New Years Resolutions

I don't know about you, but I tend to make a few resolutions every new year. Some sort of lame promise that I make to myself that I inevitably break by about January 15th. I'm sure you've all made them: eat healthier, drink less, spend less money on dumb stuff, work harder, join a gym, etc., etc. But we all know that this is worthless, getting drunk and buying over priced Nikes is going to just as much fun in 2008 as it was in 2007. So what I'm going to do is make resolutions that will be monitored by you, the readers of "Road to the BigTime". In fact, the main resolution I am going to make will directly impact all of you. As well as a few other minor resolutions that are less important, but still worth noting. So, without further ado, Road to the BigTime's 2008 Resolutions.

First and foremost, the resolution that will most directly impact the readers of this blog. I resolve to write at least 100 blogs next year. That comes out to about a blog every four days. The main complaint that I get from the people who read my blog is that I don't write enough. That will not be an issue in 2008. And here is why. I am moving into an apartment with my good friend Barry, as well as Tam Johnson, and Barry going to help me turn bunktown.blogspot.com into bunktow.com. The new site will be a much more reader friendly, and entertaining site. I know I've talked about it before, but with the three of us set to move in in two days, Bunktown.com is clearly on the horizon. Blogs, podcasts, better pictures, videos, guest bloggers, and much much more. I resolve to be a better blogger in 2008, and now that I've set the expectations this high, I have to make it happen. I dare you to put your plans to jog four times a week in print. I dare you.

Aside from the blog plans, I also plan to improve my fanhood in 2008. I have been doing this for a while now, but I will continue to only wear clothing from teams that I root for. That means jerseys, T-shirts, sweatshirts, shorts, hats, pants, sweats, socks, underwear, etc. The teams that I root for are as follows: Sonics, Seahawks, Mariners, Huskies, Quakers, Sounders, Thunderbirds, Rainiers, Aqua Sox, Seattle U, and Manchester United. If anybody sees me breaking this rule, and wearing any article of clothing of any team other than one of the ones I listed, feel free to kick me in the nuts.

Also, I am going to try to like more of the players on my favorite teams. Over the 2007 year, I am pretty sure that I claimed to hate every Mariner, Husky, Sonic and Seahawk. I have always made the argument that I only hate because I love, but I am going to try to do more loving and less hating in 2008. We'll see how long this lasts. See me after Shaun Alexander rushes for 17 yards on 13 carries against the Redskins, and we lose by 4.

One more, much more short term, but hopefully not that short, resolution. I won't shave until the Seahawks lose in the playoffs or win the Super Bowl. I hope to have a full beard by the time I get to shave on February 7th.

Other than all of that stuff, I plan to have a year very similar to the one I had to 2007. I'll root whole heartedly for the teams that I love, and I'll most likely have my heart broken by each and every one of them. I'll unconditionally love Kevin Durant and Jake Locker. I'll make fun of Shaun Alexander and Ichiro. I'll buy dumb stuff, I'll drink too much, I'll stay up late. And as long as I make sure to do all of these things, 2008 should be great.

Happy New Year everybody, 2008's gonna be a big year.

My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes

Here we go. Another edition of "My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes." I am quickly running out of ideas for athletes, so in this edition I have to first send out a thank you to David Chernicoff for sending along a suggestion. I open the invitation to all of you. If anybody thinks that they have a funny look alike, let me know. I'll put it up. Also, one of our look alikes on this edition isn't exactly a famous athlete, but he is on ESPN all the time, so I am going to allow it.

First up, David's suggestion. Our good buddy Matt Dobie aka "Snacks". This is what Mr. Dobie looks like, for those of you who don't already know.



And here is Jamal Lewis. The running back of the Cleveland Browns, who held the record for most rushing yard in one game until Adrian Peterson broke it this year, and who spent half of the 2005 season in prison for orchestrating a drug deal. Needless to say, he is a big favorite here at "Road to the BigTime".



I probably wouldn't fuck with either one of those guys.

Onto the next look alike. Once again we have a pair who somehow look similar while one of them is undoubtedly better looking than the other. I don't mean to disrespect my pal Kelly Lewis with this comparison, but he looks a lot like this guy. I know Kelly would be flattered to be compared to this guy in terms of skills on the soccer field, I wonder how he'll feel being compared to him in looks. Here's Kelly.



And here is Ronadlihno.



Kelly can do flip throw-ins.

And here is our last pair. While I realize that this guy isn't exactly an athlete, I think this is one of the funniest duo's that we've had so far. Here first, is every body's favorite Guido. Wop's up Gabe.



And here is Gabe's twin, PTI's co-host Tony Reali.



Not right now chief, I'm in the fucking zone. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JMOh-cul6M. I wonder if Gabe and Tony like lasagna?

Like I said, if you have any suggestions, let me have them. And as always, if you have any funny people you think I look like, tell me. I want some hate filled feed back.

Four of the Elite 8 are Settled

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know I am a lazy bastard. I promised to have the voting done by the 26th, and here it is the 30th and I am just now doing it. Sorry. Let's just do this quickly so we can move onto the next match-ups and keep this thing going.

God Shamgodd and Majestic Mapp move on to face each other in the next round. This weeks match-ups are Houston Nutt vs. Dick Trickle, and Tshimanga Biakabatuka vs. Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala. Vote soon, the sooner I am happy with the number of votes, the sooner we will move onto the next round. (Do you see what I'm doing here, I'm deflecting the blame from myself and placing it on you...very mature move on my part)

Here is the updated bracket.

Round 1 Continued

I know I told everyone that we would end the voting on Tuesday night at 8, but due to a long list of factors including my newly busy schedule, my life long laziness, and the craziness of the holliday season, we are tabulating the scores today. I am pleased to announce that we have our first two winners, as well as our first "Elite 8" match-up. In a dominant first round performance, Eric Djemba-Djamba advances to the final 8. I won't reveal how many votes he won by, but I will predict that his margin of victory will be larger than any one elses. May it be noted that Jaxin did his home work and provided us all with good reason to support his name. As for the other match-up, Popeye Jones won in a much closer game. I think the fact that Popeye is one of the top 10 ugliest guys in NBA history probably adds to the hilarity of his name. So in the next round, we will have Djemba-Djemba vs. Popeye Jones.

Here is an updated version of the the bracket.






And now, on to the next first round match-up. Out of the "South End Region," we have God Shamgodd vs. James Milner, and Majestic Mapp vs. Magic Johnson.

--Match-up Preview--

In what appears to be a one sided match-up, our version of a 1-16 game, we have God Shamgodd vs. James Milner. The only advantage that Milner may have had was the hilarious post that Mark Wetzler made on his behalf. But Tam's post on God Shamgodd was also hilarious, and very well researched, and it effectively nullified any edge Mark may have had. Thanks to both of them for playing, even bigger thanks to both of them for providing us with the entertainment of reading their reasons.

In the second half of the "South End Region" we have a magical match-up. I know this game makes this a little hard to believe, but I drew all of the match-ups out of a hat. I actually didn't even notice that Majestic Mapp vs. Magic Johnson was funny until Ben told me I was a douche for matching them up. They are both pretty funny though. One for it's sheer absurdity, the other for it's irony, either would be a fine choice. (Irony- his name is Magic Johnson and he got HIV, fuck you Alanis Morisett) Thanks to both David Chernicoff and Jake Morton for their contributions.

So, you have until Wednesday December, 26, the day after Christmas to make your pick. I promise to choose the winners that day, and have the next match-ups and previews up that night.

God Shamgodd vs. James Milner.

Majestic Mapp vs. Magic Johnson.

Deadline, Dec. 26, 2007.

My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes

I don't want to distract any attention at all from the "Best Names" contest, but I have had the past 6 hours at work to do nothing, so I found some more pictures of athletes that my buddies look like. Please enjoy the newest edition of "My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes," while still taking the time to think about, and vote for your favorite names. Without any further reminders, here are the pictures.

This is our Pro Basketball edition. We have local stars, international imports, and even a mascot for the kids. Enjoy.

We have our second in the long line of people that Sam Gelinas looks like. As I'm sure you remember, Sam and Slava Medvedenko were revealed as long lost twins. Here we have another professional basketball player that is lucky enough to look like Sam. I present Spencer Hawes.



And in case you forgot what Sam looks like, here again is another stunning still of my good pal Sam.



One for the kids. Here is a character we all know and love. The Seattle Supersonics beloved mascot, Squatch.



And my good pal, Mark. Not only do Squatch and Mark share facial hair styles, but they both often growl at people and sleep in the woods. The similarities are eerie.



If I keep this up, I am not going to have any friends. But, as I always say, feel free to fire back with people...or mascots...that I look like. Here's a hint, cartoon characters.

Further Explanations

Since I posted the contest rules and regulations and the name reasoning, I have been swamped with requests, and even a late explanation. It seems that most of you think that I should list the names of every contestant, even if you didn't write an explanation. And although I want to reward those who did what I asked, I also aim to please every single person who takes the time to read the blog. So, before you cast your vote take what I am adding here into account.

Late Explanation:

James Milner, by Mark Wetzler-
Dear Road to the Bigtime,
My name is Mark Wetzler. I am 17 years old and I have been a big fan of "Road to the Bigtime" since I moved here when I was 8. I really like your contest, it is really clever and I think people that have funny names are funny. I know it is pretty late, but I was wondering if I could submit an explanation for my choice, James Milner. I know most of you probably don't think it is a funny name, but I think James Milner is one of the funniest people in sports. Here is a picture demonstrating why I think he is funny:



just go to that link. i hope you think his snarl is funny. i did. i love you all,
Your 3rd biggest fan,
Mark Wetzler

p.s. enclosed is a self-addressed stamped envelope with one of your tops finest cards from 2004. if you have time, please sign it and mail it back. thanks!


There you go Mark, I hope that wins you some points. And, here are the names of the contestants along side their favorite name.

1. An’Juan Wilderness- Andy Bunker
2. Eric Djemba-Djemba- Jaxin Skyward
3. Eugene Kingsale- Ben Steitzer
4. Dick Butkus- Sam Gelinas
5. Boo Weekly- Barry
6. James Milner- Mark Wetzler
7. God Shamgodd- Tam Johnson
8. Popeye Jones- Troy Tsuchikawa
9. Quinten McCracken- Matt Emmick
10. Magic Johnson- Jake Morton
11. Houston Nutt- Jonah Golan
12. Milton Bradley- Ryan Skaggs
13. Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala- Neal Benyak
14. Majestic Mapp- David Chernicoff
15. Dick Trickle- Stan Chernicoff
16. Tshimanga Biakabutuka- Mike Thompson

Best Names in Sports

Thanks to the participation of Stan "the Man" Chernicoff, we have our Sweet-16. Sixteen submissions of what we all believe to be the "Best Names in Sports". I have to commend you all for the participation. Here is how it's gonna work. I put all 16 of your names into a hat, and the order in which I drew them out will be our rankings. I was going to rank them in order of funniest to least funny, but I thought that would potentially sway the voting, so I did it this way to be more fair. So without further ado, here is the bracket.




It has shaped up to be quite a fun bracket. I have been paining over just exactly how this contest is going to work, and I think I have come to a decision. In the spirit of my recent involvment with the "Mitch in the Morning Show," I think using the judging format that is used by "The Bigger Dance" is the only right way to decide. If you don't know what that means, here are the rules and the format.

You, the reader, will decide who the winners are. We will go one region at a time, and you will have two days to vote. Either send me an e-mail, or write on my facebook wall, or text me, or just tell me when you see me. We will start with the "Bunktown Region" which consists of Eric Djemba-Djemba vs. Milton Bradley, and Eugene Kingsale vs. Popeye Jones. The next region is the "South End Region" which consists of God Shamgodd vs. James Milner, and Majestic Mapp vs. Magic Johnson. The third region is the "Quaker Region", consisting of my favorite first round match-up Tshimanga Biakabatuka vs. Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala, and Houston Nutt vs. Dick Trickle. The final region is the "Husky Region", which includes Boo Weekly vs. An'Juan Wilderness, and Quinten McCracken vs. Dick Butkus.

Before we get started, I asked everyone who participated to not only tell me what their favorite name was, but to also include an explaination. Now, not everyone offered their reasoning, but a few people did, and I hope the voters will take this into consideration. The following is the explainations provided by you, if you actually took the time to write something. Here are the names, and their testimonies.

***Disclaimer- I didn't have anything to do with Jaxin's explaination.***

Eric Djemba-Djemba, by Jaxin Skyward- Eric Djemba-Djemba. A midfielder who played for manchester united in 2003. he now plays for Qatar FC. He is originally from Cameroon and plays for their national soccer team. His last name is the same word twice, separted by a hyphen and often laughter. Djembas is also a recently adopted, highly acceptable synonym for blacks. "did you see that djemba?", "look at that stinky djemba.", "i'd suck on that djemba's pussy.", etc. In cameroon, Djemba translates into the word drum. I've heard of people playing the drums but never a drum drum. Eric, as a first name for a guy who has a very tribal last name leads me to believe he was a slave. Eric is clearly Mr. drums slave name. Poor Djemba.

Houston Nutt/Southern Names in General, by Jonah Golan- As for the name contest, I'm gonna go with a Southern theme:
Houston Nutt, Captain Maroney, Major Applewhite, and Champ/ Boss Baily are a tie.....anyone who would give their offspring any of the preceeding first names are most likely from Texas and if not from somewhere else in the South....May god have mercy on their souls.

Quinten McCracken, by Matt Emmick-



The Mariner’s jerseys I most wish I had, other than Bobby Ayala of course, would number one be Junior followed by Quinton McCracken. He gets my recommendation as the best name in pro athletics. I will say, though, that I agonized over the decision to place him atop my list over other such notable names as Jaxin Skyward and Deng Cow but with a last name similar to a slang term for something that is really great, “crackin,” I had to go with him.

Quinton Antoine McCracken was born in Wilmington, N.C. in 1970 and graduated from Duke University in 1992. He is a switch hitter who throws right. He was drafted by the Rockies in 1995 and has since played on numerous teams including the D Rays, Twins, Diamondbacks, M’s, and the Reds.

The M’s acquired him in 2004 for Greg Colbrunn from the D-Backs. While he was in Seattle he hit a solid .150 in twenty ABs. Over his career he has hit .274 with a .374 slugging percentage and has twenty-one HRs. His nicknames include “Q,” “Cou Cou,” and “Crack.” Which I must say it is pretty hard to have one of your nicknames be a drug reference, right Trees?

The McCracken surname is Northern Irish and Scottish in origin and is an Anglicized form from Gaelic. My question is how a black guy ended up with an Irish name? I was under the impression that Micks were too drunk and unintelligent to have owned slaves, seeing as how they were a loathed social pariah.

So why pick Quinton? The logic is fairly simple. In filling out a March Madness bracket it is always wise to pick a twelve seed over a five seed so I am going to pick a bit of an underdog. I am putting my money on the name of an African American athlete rather than on some ugly foreigner whose name has some sexual connotation attached to it, Wally Szcerbiac comes to mind. My other rational lies in the fact that his last name sounds like it could be the best McDonalds sandwich ever. I can only imagine it to be comparable to a McChicken with fries and BBQ sauce on it or Cherny’s patented Double Cheese with shredded lettuce. I would expect this type of heat to be on their breakfast menu (see Matthew Dobie).

I just wish that his name had a randomly placed apostrophe, say Quin’ton, but if you can’t be perfect then why not have the hardest jersey in the MLB.


God Shamgodd, by Tam Johnson-

1. well, obviously being named "God" is totally ridiculous, i mean a
LOT of people are named jesus because that is an actual name, but god
really isn't, as far as i know. also, it's an obvious upgrade from
jesus, being his father and all... this brings up the jesus
shuttlesworth tie-in, which is also a great name, but totally
fictional. the fact that he is named 'god' not 'jesus', AND that it is
actually his true, non-fictional birth name is amazing.

2. as you pointed out in your post, having a unique last name is
pretty important, because really anyone can just get high or whatever
and name their kid anything they want, but it takes the convergence of
multi-generational destiny to get such an excellent first / last
combo. the repitition 'god shammgod' has an almost lyrical quality.
say it slowly, "the name is God, Shammgod." now say it in the voice of
sean connery as james bond. i think you see what i mean. there are
lots of weird names out there, but not many that so well integrate the
first and last. also, it is impossible to hear the "shamm" prefix
without being drawn into seriously profound spiritual introspection:
"is god a sham? am i worshipping a false idol?? should i just give up
hope and instead spend my time internet-researching obscure former
professional basketball players???"

3. he played high school ball with ron artest.

4. according to wikipedia, he is named after his father, which means
that he may more accurately god shammgod II, or Jr. People who name
their children after them are awesome (see: all of george foreman's
children), and people with unusual names who do this are even more
awesome. (look out for "Tamaso the second"!)



Those are all the explaiations I recievered. All of them were a pleasure to read and undeniably hilarious. And we got through them with only two slavery references, which in reality is pretty good. Huge thanks to all of you. I hope the voters read and heed the words you have written.


The first match-ups, out of the "Bunktown Region" are Eric Djemba-Djemba vs. Milton Bradley, and Popeye Jones vs. Eugene Kingsale. You have until Tuesday at 8:00 pm to vote. Vote, vote, vote. Oh yeah, only one vote per reader. But feel free to use bribes or physical violence to influence other readers votes. Here we go...Let's get ready to rumble.

Funny Picture of the Week

There are only three things I hate about this years Sonics team. First, the sad fact that no one cares and that they may leave. Two, Earl "the Hurl" Watson. And third, "Worthless" Wally Szczerbiak.

In our "Funny Picture of the Week," Gary Payton does what he has been doing for the past 20 years, and represents the feelings of Sonics fans every where. I have always wished that Gary had worn a microphone during his playing days, and this picture is the perfect example of why. Can you imagine the trash that he is talking to Worthless Wally. Even funnier, would be to hear the pathetic comeback that Wally would attempt to give. "Leave me alone Gary. I wear hair gel during NBA basketball games. I'm a virgin." I think it would sound something like that. My favorite part of this picture, though, is that crazy ass Latrell Sprewell is the one trying to separate the two. Latrell's crazy engine is powered by irony.

I went to the Sonics game last Friday versus the Bucks. This was the second game I've been to this season, and I have to say, this team is fun to watch. Sure, they can't defend anybody. Okay, they don't have a real point guard. Fine, they may leave town, and break all of our hearts. But once you get past that, they are a really exciting team. Another reason last Friday's game was so fun was because I got to take Ben Steitzer to his first NBA game. They always tell you that if you are not enjoying sports the way you used to, to take a kid to a game and watch how much fun they have. Well, that is sort of like what I did. Except my love for sports has never been stronger, and Ben isn't a little kid. The results, however, were phenomenal.

NBA games are by far the most fan friendly of all pro sporting events. They eliminate most of the problems that people have with other sporting events, and add much more to the table. The games are inside, so you can't complain about the weather. The action almost never stops, so you are always engaged. And when it does stop, they have break dancing, and dunking ushers, and free give aways, and music, and all sorts of other ADD friendly activities. Try to take a non-sports fan to a baseball game and see what happens...they'll hate it. Take Ben to a basketball game and now he loves Kevin Durant and wants to go again. Thanks to me, and KD, the Sonics have a new fan, and one more reason not to leave town. If Ben Steitzer likes it, it is good. (see: fruit snacks, pizza, Carlo Rossi, Cohen Brothers movies, and now Sonics Basketball)

Speaking of Kevin Durant, every time I go to a game this year, he scores 35 and we win. Honestly, I have been to two games this year, and he has dropped 35 both times, and we have recorded 2 of our 3 home victories. More importantly, he is 19! Please, allow me to repeat that. HE IS 19!!! I realize that we are all jaded to the thought of a teenager killing the league, due to the man-child LeBron James. But there are things about Kevin Durant that make what he is doing very different from what LBJ did at 19. First of all, Durant isn't a man-child. In fact, he isn't strong at all. Remember when he couldn't lift 180 pounds at the pre-draft camp? And how certain moronic sports writers, Skip Bayless, thought that would effect his pro game and drop his draft stock. Well he's still killing almost everybody. And unlike LeBron at 19, who was so strong that he couldn't really get any stronger, Kevin Durant is only going to grow into his lanky body. The only guys that give him any trouble right now are guys like Stephen Jackson, who can kill Durant's length by bodying him and pushing him around. Imagine him three years from now, when he has put on 25 pounds of muscle. He's going to be the longest, strongest, fastest, craftiest scorer in the league. Plus he has the drive and will to win of Kevin Garnett. I am visibly giddy right now. I am grinning.

Let's get back to the "Funny Picture". Wally, Wally, Wally. Oh how I hate you. Granted, I was gonna hate Wally World whether he came here and played well or not, but I didn't expect this sort of performance from the ex-All-Star. As we all recall, he scored a career high 43 points against the Huskies in the NCAA tourney back in 1999, and effectively killed our season. I have not forgetten about this, so unless he came here and averaged 20 points a game and hit a bunch of game winners, I was going to hate him. He is averaging 11 points per game, and he hasn't hit a single game winner. Thus...hatred. Here are the Top 10 problems I have with Dubya, besides the historical hatred.

10. He wears hair gel during games.
9. The first four letters of his last name are, S-Z-C-Z. Can I buy a vowel?
8. He looks like Steve Stiffler.
7. He once complained about getting more shots while on the same team as Kevin Garnett.
6. His first name is Wally.
5. His vertical leap is 7 inches.
4. He has gained 35 pounds in the past year.
3. He wears number 3 for the Sonics, and he is not named Dale Ellis.
2. He got in Gary Payton's face. (see above photo)
1. He actually pumped his fist after a made free throw during the third quarter of last Friday's game, while in the midst of an 0-7 shooting streak. He missed the first free throw, then rattled home the second, and celebrated with an emotional fist pump as he trudged back down court.

Other than him and Earl "the Hurl", I love this team. I beg you to go and support these guys. It is worth your time. In fact, if anybody wants to go see a game over the holiday, holler at your boy. I always have tickets, and it is important to me that I personally convince any nay sayers. For the first time in my life, I ask you to follow in the sports fan footsteps of Ben Steitzer. One down, a whole city to go.

They're Wining and Dining Me

As I'm sure most of my more faithful readers remember, when this blog started it was merely a facebook wall posting that I'd use to tell tales of what was going on with my job at KJR. Back when I was interning for David Locke, pushing paper for no pay and trying my ass off too avoid Too-Short in the hall way. One of my major regrets is that I wasn't smart enough to keep a blog back then, so I could not only look back and laugh about some of the funny stuff I used to have to do, but also so I could track my writing progress and see what I do that people like, and what I do that people hate. On the plus side, I can look back and pretend that I was a lot better than I was, with no proof otherwise. Anyway, I do like to get back to my roots from time to time and talk about what is going with my job, and let every body about the progress that is being made towards my total domination of the Seattle sports scene. Yes, I'm still at KJR, and no, I haven't been berated by any famous rappers lately. Here is an update on what is going in my KJR life.

Tonight I attended the UW Football "Season Ending Dinner" at the Sheridan Hotel in downtown Seattle. For the first time in my KJR career, which is 3.4 years old, I was invited to attend a dinner. I am quickly realizing that "dinners" are to the adult world what keggers where in high school. The coolest people will be there, it is hard to get invited to your first one, and after 30 minutes every one is drunk. I've been to hundreds of keggers, this was my very first dinner.

Just like your first kegger, there are things that you want to make sure you don't do -- "party fouls". You quickly learned that trying to poor from an unpumped keg made you look like an idiot, just as I learned that your napkin is the one on the left of your plate, not the right. I was quickly informed, by Leon my coworker who was seated next to me, that I had taken his napkin. And let me be the first to tell you, trying to refold a napkin into the shape of a swan is much harder than pretending to enjoy a keg cup full of foam.

There will be three forks. What you do with each of them is very important.

After the napkin disaster, I wanted to wait at least 5 minutes until I made a complete ass of myself again, so I waited to see what Leon did with his forks before I even thought about touching mine. So there I sat. Looking hungrily at my salad. On the brink of starvation because that bastard Leon had to go the bathroom. If I would've been smart I would have just looked across the table to see what everyone else was doing with their silver wear, but I was transfixed on following the code of etiquette set forth by Leon. He had guided me through my first mistake, and I was going to be damned if he didn't get me through my next.

He finally came back after what must have been one of the biggest shits ever taken at the Downtown Sheridan, and with that thought lingering in my head, I was finally able to eat. He sat down and effortlessly grabbed the fork that was on the far left of his plate, and without batting and eye, he dug right into his cesar salad. Like I said, he is a bastard.

After we finished our salads, and the main course had been delivered, the kegger similarities which had been to this point mostly metaphorical, began to become identical. Everyone's "too cool for school" attitude was thoroughly drenched in red wine, and any and all etiquette was thrown to the wind. Napkins were being used as bibs. Forks were every where. And the only party foul that was even possibly committable was not drinking. And being one to never want to commit a said "foul", I obliged. Drunkenness ensued. And as I was standing there shouting, the entire table of hammered KJR employees listening eagerly to my drunken story, I realized that life is just one big kegger. Everyone's nervous at first, but then you figure out how to pump the keg, and after that it just flows.

The night was a huge success. We had a great time. We got far too intoxicated. And I proved myself worthy of my next dinner invitation. There is nothing like the feeling you get when you realize that you have just taken a step into a world that for so long you could see, but couldn't touch. And with both keggers and dinners alike, that feeling can accurately be described as hungover.

Other random KJR Updates.

-I am now the full time producer of the "Northwest Wild Counrty Show." Saturday mornings, 6-8 am. It's a hunting and fishing show. I don't know anything about either of the two, so needless to say it isn't my favorite thing in the world. On the plus side I am a full time producer of a KJR show. Silver lining baby.

-I sometimes produce John Clayton's Show on Saturdays, as well as Dick Fain's show. These are far more fun for me, as they talk about sports that I care about.

-Starting in January I will be co-hosting a Sunday morning sports show, from 6-9 am, on KGRG. That is Green River Community Colleges radio station. My buddy Jarrett is the sports director there, and he and I will be hosting the show.

-We will also be calling all of the Green River home basketball games on KGRG. I'll be doing color commentary, and he said I can "clown". This may end badly.

-Last, and most importantly, the "Road to the BigTime" maybe taking it's next step forward very soon. My good pal Barry informed me the other day that "my blog needs a make over." With his help we maybe moving to a real url. No more blogspot. This means more options and ability to have more content. I hope to podcast all of the KGRG shows, so those of you who can't tune in (all of you) will still have the chance to listen if you want. We will have a better format so the picture stuff will look better. Plus a whole heap of new additions and segments. Stay tuned, we hope to start the renovation ASAP.

My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes

This segment has been a HUGE success. People of all shapes and sizes love it. From North Seattle to Skyway, "Road to the BigTime's" newest special is sweeping the city like last weeks rain storm. Excitement in literally flooding out of every neighborhood of Seattle. Houses were destroyed. Parts of I-5 are still closed. My friends looking like athletes is the biggest thing that has ever happened. Ever.

Enough hype. Now I have to maintain the momentum and live up to the ridiculously high expectations. That's cool, we like pressure. We thrive on pressure. Here is the newest edition of, "My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes."

After endless requests from female fans, Caitlin and Avery, we have our first female look alike. I gotta say though, picking a girl look alike is hard for a few reasons. Number one, I don't watch very many female sports, so there could be a million women that look like my friends -- Sue Bird could be Annasara's twin sister for fuck's sake -- and I wouldn't know. Second, I don't want to offend any of my female readers by saying that they look like an ugly girl. I could care less about telling Sam that he looks like Slava "Super-Euro" Medvedenko, he's a big boy and good sport, but if I told some girl she looked like Calvin Booth, I'd lose a reader and probably get my ass kicked. Third, it's easy for guys to look alike. Same hair cut, same nose, you look the same. Girls have so much going on, it's hard to find similarities.

So what did I do? I looked to my favorite female team of all time. The 1999 Women's World Cup team. How did it take me this long? Like I've said before, that is one of my all time favorite teams. This was a natural. With our further ado, our first female looks alike.

My friend Sara Foster.



And 1999 World Cup Champion, Julie Foudy.



They look alike, they are both attractive, and you know who both of them are. A triple threat. The perfect look alike. I am the man.

Next, a not so attractive look alike duo. Let me take that back, the athlete is ugly, my buddy is deceptively handsome. Iain rode his bike from here to NYC, he is the man. This is what he looks like.



Chris Kamen on the other hand, not the man, not good looking, and not deceptively anything. He looks like the Fremont Troll. My appologies to Iain, but as you can see, I have a point.



Lastly, I have to extend my thanks to Sam Morton for this one. I appreciate the active participation in the blog. Any body can make suggestions. Don't let Sam be the only person to notice that one of our friends looks like an athlete, offer your assistance. Here is our buddy Sean Lawson.



And here is the softest QB in the NFL, Eli Manning. Please note, Sean is the opposite of soft. One time I ran into him, his shirt covered in blood, and I asked, "what the fuck happened to you, are you okay." To which he responded, "this isn't my blood, I just kicked this Garfield kid's ass!" Sean punctuates as he speaks. Here is Eli.



So, in closing. Sara and Julie Foudy are both cool and pretty, Iain is way better looking than his look alike, and Sean Lawson would beat up Eli Manning. And they all look alike.

No Place Like Home

Last night was the night. The one night when it's acceptable to take the trip back to high school and feel totally comfortable acting like you never left. At least that's what we tell ourselves. But that's because Franklin/Garfield is more than just a high school basketball game. Honestly, you could go the gym and not watch single second of the game and still have one of the best times you'll ever have. With the Southenders and Central Districteers who treat the game like a hood fashion show, you're going to see a lot of things you don't usually see. There were more Air Force 1's per capita last night than I've ever seen before. I even broke mine out, I didn't want to look like a fool. Most peoples hair looked nice enough to go to prom, and almost everyone's outfit matched from head to toe. The pre-game music was as great as ever. A steady mix of popular rap and classic hip-hop, even songs like "I'm So Hood," that you've heard a hundred times, hold a lot more meaning when everyone in the whole gym is bobbing to the beat. The Franklin dance team was as hilarious as ever. Pop-locking and snapping to a nice mix of popular music, served as the perfect platform for them to insult Garfield. For some reason making fun of another school is always way funnier though dance. After the game was over the post game festivities were as entertaining as ever. The police standing there as awkwardly as fat seventh graders at a middle school dance, scowling at the few random youngsters who felt the need to proclaim their toughness by ripping off their shirts and yelling loudly what part of town they came from, all while cleverly avoiding any real fighting. Ah yes, the Franklin/Garfield game is always exactly what I need to rejuvinate any loss of Southend pride that I may have lost over the past year.

Somehow, in the middle of all this, they managed to fit a basketball game in. Now, the the rivalry isn't as competitive as it once was, as the Quakers have managed to run off 13 straight wins over the beleaguered Bulldogs. But please believe that both teams still hate each other, and want to win as badly as ever. There are, and always have been, great players involved in this clash of the Seattle basketball titans. And this year is no excpetion. In fact, this year we may have seen two of the best players that either school has ever seen. On the Garfield side, Anthony Wroten, a 6'5'' freshmen point guard, who is the number one recruit in the nation for his class. He was phenomenal. An overly cocky left handed player, who has so much athleticism that it is insane to believe that he was playing in middle school just 6 months ago. He scored 29 points, he probably had around 8 assists, and he let all the Quaker fans know that it's not going to be so easy to beat the Bulldogs for the next four years. And on the Franklin side, Peyton Siva, a 6'1'' junior guard, who for my money, is the best player that has played at Franklin under Jason Kerr. (other than J-Sky of course) I'm talking about Alvin Snow, Anthony Grant, Aaron Brooks, Lyndel Burleson and Venoy Overton. Peyton is better than all of those guys. He is as fast as any of them, with more stroke, better passing, and as much athleticism as you can imagine. He caught a lob last night from Sterling Carter, that I thought was going to end up going over the back board. He went up so high, with two hands, I think he might be an alien. Or simply a super Samoan. He ended up with 22 points, 11 assists, 7 steals, and 7 rebounds, and he was passing first. He probably could've had 15 assists if guys weren't missing layups, and if he'd have been shooting he'd have scored 35.

Lorenzo Romar was just one of the hundreds of people who had the privelage of watching the latest installment of the Franklin/Garfield saga. He had a great vantage point, standing on the far baseline, trying valiantly to hide any and all emotion as he watched the two teams run. But even he, the most poker faced of scouts, couldn't help but yell and drop his jaw when Peyton went and got that lob. I looked over and saw him, standing right next to Justin Dentmon (who probably came along in hopes that the Quaker greatness would rub off on him, either that or he wanted to see where all of his replacements are coming from) when Pepe went skyward, and he went as crazy as the rest of us. Let's hope Peyton follows in the footsteps of his fellow Quaker Venoy Overton, and graces the Huskies with his greatness.

The Quakers came out on top, 85-70, in what was by far the most competitive game between the two schools in the past three years. A far cry from last years 22-0 first quarter run, this year we saw that the rivalry may soon be getting back to where it belongs. As much as I love beating those bastard Bulldogs, it's a lot more fun when they have talent. Anthony Wroten is hopefully the beginning of something good at Garfield. And maybe, in couple of years they'll end our double digit winning streak. But until then FQ up, GB down. Southend! Go Quakers.

Best Names in Sports

I appreciate all the participation so far. I'm very happy to see that you all are interested in making "Road to the BigTime" an interactive blog. But...I asked that you send me your names via email, or at least via facebook message. Unfortunately most of you posted your whole shit on my wall. It looks like reading comprehension is a problem among my readers, this maybe a problem. So, if you haven't already disregarded my attempts to keep your names and explanations private, please send me your players over email or facebook message. If you already blew it, that's fine, but you should probably work on your reading, you may face other problems in the future if you don't step your game up.

Special thanks to Tam Johnson and Matt Emmick you actually listened and emailed me their selections. This won't give them any advantage in the contest, but when they die, on their death beds, they will receive total consciousness. So they got that going for them.

Franklin v. Garfield Pre-Game and other random stuff

Tonight is my sports Christmas. For me, the Franklin v. Garfield basketball game at Franklin, is the most fun sporting event of the year. It's basically what I live for. Everything that I love about sports, boiled down into one two and half hour experience. I call it an experience because that is what it is. With the music, the hype, the tradition, the rivalry, the love, the hate, and everything else, it adds up to be the most electric atmosphere for sports that I have ever been a part of. I don't want to blow my whole load before the game even happens, but I just wanted to preview the game, and let everyone know that there will be a full recount of the game coming later tonight. I plan to blog my brains out for this one.

On a few other random notes, I want to talk a little about the Seahawks, the Monday Night game, and the new best open gym in Seattle.

- First off, the Hawks. Four in a row baby. This pass first, second and third offense is pretty effective, and now that it has succeeded against a mildly formidable opponent we can be pretty confident in it. The Eagles are pretty good, in fact they only lost to the Patriots by three. They lost to us by four. By that math, we are better than the Pats. So chew on that. It's delicious isn't it? Well, maybe we aren't exactly the Patriots, but we are looking pretty good, and that's pretty exciting especially if you think back to how we looked against the Steelers.

- Second, the Monday Night game. What an interesting plot twist the Pats season has taken. From demolishing everything and everyone in their path, to needing more luck than a leprechaun to beat the woeful Ravens. And then after the game, the Ravens players telling tales of cheating, and even potentially racist refs. It's one thing for the refs to be biased towards the team that is garnishing all the attention in the league. I don't want to say that I support the Patriots getting some calls in their direction, but I can certainly understand why they'd get the benefit of the doubt. They've been the best team all year, things are bound to bounce in their direction. But to hear about referees calling players on the Ravens, "boy". Antrell Rolle said that he was referred to as "boy" on at least 5 occasions by the refs. That is insane. I hope that more on this comes out in the next few days, and if those refs were acting like that, I hope they the boot. You can't cheat for an already superior team, and degrade the opposing players all at the same time.

- And last, the newest and greatest open gym in Seattle...will be run by me. I convinced the AD at Franklin to allow me to have "golf conditioning" four nights a week in the North gym at Franklin. What does this mean? It means that all of my volunteer "golf coaches" (you all) get to come play basketball with me, and possibly some of my team members, Monday thru Thursday 8:30-10 pm. So, get at me if you wanna come play. I have to warn you though, if you come you face the very likely chance that I will cross you over and call you a name. I pull up from 30 feet like it's nothing, and I slapped on my brother twice last week. You've been warned.

FULL FQ v. G-Field coverage coming soon. Stay tuned.

I Don't Wanna Hear It

I haven't had a rant in a while, and it is time. Oh boy, is it time!!

There is a lot of pretty annoying shit going on right now in the Seattle sports scene. Stuff that certainly warrants much of the complaining and belly aching that I've been hearing. Yes, we are tortured. Yes, we are pathetic. Yes, we are unlucky. But that doesn't mean that you have to give up so god damn easily. And it certainly doesn't give you the right to do any of the following: A, stop caring about your "favorite" team, B, whine like a little punk, C, root for another team.

Here is my response to many of the complaints and sentiments that I have been hearing over the past few weeks. Start acting like sports fans.

Here is one that I've been hearing a lot lately.

"Why should I root for the Sonics? They're just gonna move to Oklahoma City in year anyway."

First of all. Fuck you. Maybe they won't leave. And if they don't, all those self loathing, woe is me, sorry sap Sonics "fans" that jumped ship this year don't get to get back on the wagon when they stay in town and Kevin Durant is shaking his shit at the whole NBA for the next 15 years. Sorry ass hole. You have to root for the Blazers, because that's what you said you were gonna to do in 2007, and we don't want any fair weather, band wagon fans fucking up KD's flow.

Second of all. Fuck you again. What would Shawn Kemp and Gary Payton think if they knew that just 10 years after they were running this city, that some red neck cow boy from Oklahoma could ruin our entire fanhood just by buying the team? I'll tell you what they'd think. Gary would look at you with his head tilted, and then out of the side of his sneered mouth, he'd call you a "Punk Bitch." And then Shawn would ask you where your mom was, and if she was fertile. This team has history!!! It's the only team in our city with a championship. There is greatness in our rafters. Don't forget this.

Third of all. If they do leave, won't you feel like you let them down if you don't do everything in your power as a fan to keep them? Go to the games. Yeah, they suck. But they are fun to watch. They run. They shoot. They play zero defense, so at the very least you're gonna see the other team at it's best. There are good reasons to go and watch this team. KD is gonna be the Rookie of the Year. Delonte West is one of the biggest clowns in the league. And who knows, maybe somebody will choke PJ Carlisemo.

So, as a Sonics fan you have three choices. Go root for your team out of fanhood. Go root for your team out of debt. Or...shut the fuck up.


Another things I'm hearing a lot of is this.

"Let's keep Ty around, he brings in quality guys. Guys that do the right thing, and try, and go to class and act right."

So the fuck what? He could bring in Mother Theresa, and if we lose 8 games a year, he needs to get FIRED!! There is no question what college football, or any high level sport for that matter, is about. WINNING!

A couple of things to consider when analyzing Ty's methods.

Sure he brings in quality guys. His graduation rate is great. The players are approachable and down to earth. They are involved in the University, and they rarely get in trouble. So make him the AD. We all agree that Todd Turner is a douche anyway. If we feel like we need to keep Ty around so much, since he is so great for the program, then make him the Athletic Director.

But, who says you need "quality" guys. Some of my favorite all time Huskies would more than likely not be in this category of students. Look at what June Jones is doing in Hawaii. He is basically coaching that team by the Statue of Liberty motto. I don't mean the trick play the Boise State used to win the Aloha Bowl last January. I mean the motto "Give us your poor, your tired, your huddled masses..." June will take anybody...as long as you can play. He doesn't care if you spent 15 months in Juvie, Davone Bess. He doesn't care if you just wanna chill in the South End and smoke, Jordan Slye. He doesn't care if you get hammered and shake your dick at people, Colt Brennen. If you can play, you have a spot at Hawaii. And guess what? They are undefeated. And this Saturday - when these two schools, of students and of thought, collide - we'll see who wins.


And lastly. The Shaun Alexander debate.

"He's better than Mo Morris. If you take away the two or three big runs that Mo gets every week, he averages less than 3 yards per carry. Shaun can do that."

Wow. I know I said I was done talking about Shaun about four weeks ago, but people insist on bringing it back up. Listen when I tell you...Shaun Alexander is DONE!!! He got his money. He ran behind the best line in the past 20 years, and he GOT HIS MONEY. Now all he wants to do is pray, pretend to kiss his wife, and giggle. Nowhere in his life is there room for playing good football anymore.

Three reasons I don't wanna hear it.

1. Since Shaun went down, and we've gone with Mo and the pass first offense, we're 3-0. Undefeated with Mo. Undefeated without Shaun. Very simple.

2. "Without those two or three big runs..." Why would you discount those two or three big runs? They happen. They exist. Every week Mo busts a couple of huge plays. That's what he does. If you take away those two or three touchdowns Tom Brady throws every Sunday he probably won't break Peyton Mannings record either. But you don't, because they happen.

3. We are playing a pass first offense, and winning. Not only is Shaun Alexander one of the worst pass catching backs in the NFL, he has a broken hand. If he plays, the offense changes, and we slow down an offense that is playing better over the past three weeks than it has in over a year.


So, I hope we are clear. Stop the bitching. Or at least bitch about the right stuff. Go see Kevin Durant, if only out of respect for GP and the Reign Man. And when you do, boo Wally Szcerbiak. Not only do we still need to hate him for the 41 he put on the Dawgs in the tourney 8 years ago, but he's fat now. Boo him. Stop defending Ty, he is a loser. We don't want to be losers do we? Mora, Mora, Mora!! Start the chants, he's coming. And don't ask for Shaun. That's like crawling back to your gold digging ex-girlfriend. Mo Morris is your new girlfriend, treat him/her right.

Best Names in Sports

This is one of my favorite topics to discuss and debate with friends, family, coworkers, or literally anyone who wants to add their two cents. The best part about this debate is that it is a sports argument, but you don't actually have to know anything about sports. All you need is a sense of humor, and the ability to notice a funny name when you hear one. It is the "Best Name in Sports" debate, and we've all had it.

There are no real ground rules for a selection, although maybe there should be. You can have any reason for liking a name, you just have to be able to justify it. Whether you like the name because it sounds like a bodily function, or malfunction, like the famous NASCAR driver Dick Trickle. Or you like the name because it is ironic, like Darko Milicic, the only white guy drafted in the top ten in the 2003 NBA draft. Or if you just think the name is goofy and it reminds you of your favorite cereal, like Coco Crisp of the Red Sox. Almost any name can be included, as long as you think it's funny.

And that is what I'm looking for; the names that YOU, my friends and loyal readers, think are funny. I could sit here and write down a list of names that I find amusing, tell you why, and try convince you that I am the end all guru of funny sports names. But the truth is, I am not. There are probably names that I have never heard of, that you know, that you would add to my list. So this is what we are going to do. We are going to have our very own "Best Names is Sports" bracket, to find out once and for all, what is the funniest name in all of sports. Here is how we will do this.

RULES

1. Everyone will pick one name by December 10th. Only one name per participant, so make sure that you pick the name that you think is the funniest. First come first serve, so if you think you might pick a name that will be popular, tell me soon, so you can be sure you get your athlete.

2. You have to have an explanation for why you think the name is funny. It can be as simple as "his name rhymes with penis, that is hilarious." Or you can get deep, and explain why your selection is funniest for some reason we might not ever have thought of. IT'S UP TO YOU.

3. Everyone who reads this has to participate. I don't care if you simply add the name Rob Simms. And justify it by saying that it's funny because it's simple. I don't care, I just want to have a field of at least 16. Tell your friends, get the names in. Email me the selection, so no one else can see it. abunker206@gmail.com.

4. **Here is the reason you will play. The winner will receive tickets to the Final Four in San Antonio, Texas. An all expenses paid trip for 10, to the Final Four. Five Star hotels, limousines, court side seats, everything you can possibly think of, it'll be yours, all you have to do is win. Simple as that.**


This will actually be pretty fun if enough people play. In closing, you should feel bad if you read this and don't respond with something. All I want is full participation. Plus, this is your chance to prove that you are the most hilarious reader of "Road to the BigTime." That would mean a lot to me.

To get the ball rolling, here is my pick and my explanation. An'Juan Wilderness. The 6 foot 6, 215 pound forward, for the UNC Charlotte 49ers. I chose An'Juan for a few reasons. First, it's important to me for the players last name to be funny, and out of the ordinary. Any body can have a funny first name, but a good last name is rare. Second, anytime you can find a name that you have never heard before you are doing a good job. Third, any name with a non-possessive apostrophe is going to be good. His mom substituted the "T" in Antione, for an apostrophe, thus allowing her to break away from the traditional usage of the "ione" suffix, and use the Spanish "Juan". Damn.

That is creative, hilarious, and in my opinion, going to be hard to beat. The ball is now in your court readers. Impress me. And better yet, impress each other.



**Sike.

Funny Picture of the Week

We always see people at the games we attend trying pathetically to attain free tickets. But once every blue moon, somebody does something clever and funny, and earns the free ticket that they asked for. I didn't have it in me this past Saturday to work any harder than a few emails and text messages to try and land a couple of Apple Cup tickets. Needless to say, I watched the game from the Duchess. Now, had I had the guile and creativity that my good buddy Barry showed, I may have had the misfortune of watching the debachle from the stands. In hind sight, I'm glad I wasn't there, for my poor Husky heart may not have been able to take that sort of pain in person. But Barry was, and here is why.









Barry is a clever guy, and for his spoils he was granted the gift of watching the Huskies lose the most painful game I can remember. I spent $80 on high quality liquor to entertain friends after the game, but I was so sad/mad/stunned/heart broken, that I had to cancel the party so I could regroup. Man was that game painful. At least Barry gave us some funny pictures to show for it.

Davone Bess for Hiesman

I hope that you have had the chance to watch Hawaii's football team at some point this season. June Jones is an offensive genius, and his teams are among the most fun to watch year in and year out. This season is no different. Colt Brennen is a front runner for Hiesman, the Rainbow Warriors are undefeated and ranked 12th in the nation, and that game last Friday against Boise State was prime time action. But these are all things that you already know, and if you don't you will after they dismantle our beleaguered Huskies this Saturday in Honolulu. What you don't already know is the amazing tale of Davone Bess. Here at "Road to the BigTime" we often celebrate things in sports that are less than smiled upon by the mainstream sports media: Manny's posing, Randy Moss and T.O., sucker punching, etc. Well, Davone Bess is right up our alley. Not that he isn't a great guy, or a wonderful athlete. His story is simply unique, and appealing to my type of sports fan. Here is an ode to a "Road to the BigTime" all-star.

While his 15 catch, 181 yard, 2 touchdown game against Boise State was very impressive, what's more impressive to me is how he ended up in Hawaii. Bess was a three sport star in high school in Oakland, and was all set to attend Oregon State University on a full football scholarship, when he was locked up in a juvenile detention center for 15 months less than three weeks after his high school graduation. Oregon State quickly rescinded its scholarship, and there he was in juvie, all alone, athletic freak that he was, with no future in sports. So he did what any hood star would do. He convinced one of the activities coordinators at the detention center to start taping the 7 on 7 football scrimmages that they had during "exercise period". Eventually they had enough footage to compile a hi-lite tape, and they sent it to Hawaii. They liked it, and when he got out of jail, they extended him a scholarship, and the rest is history.

He got a college scholarship for a 7 on 7 jailyard hi-lite tape!! That is hard. Not only that, but he is one of the most athletic receivers in college football this year. He shakes guys like Steve Slaton, he does front flips into the end zone like Reggie Bush, and he has really funny bleached dread locks like T-Pain. So, if you get the chance to watch the Huskies game this Saturday, please do so for your own enjoyment. God knows that after the Apple Cup we all need a game to sit back, relax, and watch those good for nothing bastards get killed. I'll be rooting for Davone Bess, and if the dread locks and freakish athleticism have anything to say about it, you will be too.

My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes

Welcome to another addition of "My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes." On our last visit we saw that Matt Emmick is a lucky ass hole, Jonah Golan resembles Rex, and that Sam Gelinas and Slava Medvedenko may have been separated at birth. Let's see if I can lose a couple more friends. But first, let's see what my angry friends said that I look like.

Unfortunately I was unable to find a picture of a "bucket of Too-Short's cum", so we'll just have to imagine what that looks like. What I did find was a picture of Brett Favre (Jonah said I looked like him) that looks a bit like me. Here it is.



And in case you forgot, this is what I look like.



Pretty similar I guess. Sorry about the Getty Images writing on Brett's face. Those ass holes at Getty Images really don't want anybody using their shit. I think they need to chill out.

That said, here are some more of my friends and their look a likes.

John Kitna



And your boy J-Sky. I have a feeling Skyward isn't gonna be too happy about this one. Sorry man, it's true.



Here is Eric Byrnes.



And my partner in play by play at Green River Community College, Jarret Tomalin.



This one is my favorite. Here is Red Sox pitcher, Dice-K Matsuzaka.



And my brother's roommate, and life long friend, Taylor Matsui.



I hope everybody enjoyed this edition. Until next time. Oh yeah, and feel free to fire back with who you think I look like. Brett Favre isn't exactly an insult since he's my favorite football player ever, and he's is the handsome spokesman of Wrangler Jeans.

Funny Picture of the Week

Here is our second installment of "funny picture of the week." I got a few suggestions from you all, all of which were hilarious and much appreciated, but I think I have one to top them all. And, not only is it funny, but I took it, so I am even more excited to present it to you. I will first present to you the photo, then explain it in an attempt to save a little bit of face.



Believe it or not, this is not actually Barry Bonds. This is Ben Steitzer's Halloween costume. I realize that there a lot of questions that will come to most of your minds when you see this photo. Some of them maybe: Why did Ben choose Barry Bonds as a costume? Where did he find all the gear? Why did Andy decide to take pictures of Ben dressed as Barry Bonds? Was this actually a Halloween costume, or were Ben and Andy just goofing around the house? How did Ben's legs look in baseball pants?

All of these questions and more are simply explained in the story that you are about to read. I present to you, Ben and Andy's Halloween Party.

Since Ben has been going to college in Bellingham, and I decided to stay in Seattle and go to UW, I have gotten very used to the sad fact that I don't get to see my buddy all that often. Especially during the school year. So, when Ben called me up on Halloween, which was a Wednesday night, and told me that he was in town, I was elated. My excitement, though, quickly turned to panic, as I realized that I had just invited Ben over to my house with absolutely no Halloween night plans whatsoever.

You see, Ben usually comes home every other weekend, and with this set schedule I am able to pre-plan an itinerary of fun filled activities for us to embark on during these said alternate weekends. These weekends usually consist of us doing, in this order: nothing, watching shitty Jimmy Fallon movies, drinking left over champagne from my New Years party last year, and prank calling the Gelinas parents. But with no warning of his arrival, I had no itinerary of fun.

So, I did what I do every time I need a quick fix solution for fun, I called my life long friends, Cam and Clay Bell. These two guys, if you don't know them, are basically the picture of a good time. Twins, who are equally hilarious and interested in making sure your time with them is spent getting made fun of, and discussing the obvious dangers of growing up on the mean streets of Seward Park.(Easily the most Jewish and friendly neighborhood in all of South Seattle, where they, Ben and I all live.)

I got a hold of Cam, and after about three minutes of being chastised for the "whiteness" of saying "hey, man" when I answered the phone, we got down to business. They were planning on going to a night club called "Sugar". There was apparently a great Halloween party happening there, and if we got there before 11 we could get in free. Halelouya, I thought. The night was saved, and more importantly I was still the King of Fun in Ben's eyes. I was so happy with myself for creating a plan so quickly, that I nearly didn't hear Cam drop the bomb that decimated my self satisfaction.

"Oh yeah, to get in free you gotta have a costume. I'm going as Prince, Clay is gonna be Superman......"

I didn't hear anything after that. I couldn't hear after that. Not over the crashing airplane that was my reputation. "Costumes!?! How the hell am I gonna do that?" I frantically thought to myself.

"So, you guys in?" Cam excitedly asked.

This is a problem that has plagued me for my whole life. In an attempt to impress for even the most ridiculous of reasons, I'll pretend to have it "all under control." When there is clearly not a chance in hell that it's under control at all.

"Of course," I said as coolly as possible.

"What are you guys gonna be?"

For fuck's sake Cam, what the fuck are you, the KBG. Stop putting the screws to me. I thought we were friends. "What are you guys gonna be?" Who the fuck does Cam think he is. I don't have to impress him, we've been friends for years. So why after all this time is he now showing his true sadistic and malicious intentions. To expose me for the fraud that I am.

"Oh, you'll see. You're gonna laugh your ass off." What a sad, pathetic man I am.

It was 10:15. Ben was on his way. Cam and Clay expected us to be at their house soon enough to get into "Sugar" before 11. And there I was, in my laundry room, frantically ravaging through our old costume closet. The closet was full of costumes from my, and my brothers, childhood. Cool old homemade clown suits, and vampire capes, and Ninja Turtles headbands. This would have been the mother load, if I where 4'10" and weighed 90 pounds. And, unfortunately the new female manifesto that nothing is too small to wear on Halloween, doesn't exactly work for the opposite and far hairier sex.

So there I was, trying on my clown suit from third grade, Ben seconds away from my house expecting the night of his life, Cam most likely telling Clay to expect comic gold from our costumes, and I was picking a polka dotted wedgie from my ass. Not exactly the picture of composure that I tried to portray on the phone.

When Ben got there, I spilled the beans. I told him all about how I didn't have a plan, how I told Cam and Clay that we had great costumes, how they were probably expecting greatness and that I had nothing. It was teetering on the verge of an episode of Dr. Phil when Ben spotted my Barry Bonds jersey hanging in my closet. This jersey, that I had gotten for $7 from Value Village the summer before, that I wore at times during his chase of Hand Aaron to provoke arguments of steroids and cheating, was exactly what we needed. There is nothing funnier than skinny white guys dressed as big strong athletes. Ben and Barry Bonds were a match made in heaven. The funniest part of the whole costume, in my opinion, is that he simply dressed up like Barry Bonds: the jersey, the hat, baseball pants, and that was it. No statement whatsoever. I bet he wasn't the only guy dressed as Barry Bonds this Halloween, but I bet he was the only one that didn't make an obvious steroids joke, or some meaningless, bull shit, Skip Bayless attempt at proving that Barry Bonds is a bad guy. Ben just dressed as Barry Bonds, and that is funny.

As for me, I remembered that I had a full Adidas running suit, which a great base for a Run DMC costume. I threw on a bucket hat, and an Africa chain, and the two of us were ready to party.

In the end Cam and Clay were thoroughly amused, which was the ultimate goal in the first place. "Sugar" didn't care if you had a costume on or not, if you had a penis it was $10 to get in. And we had a great night.

As for Ben's legs in the baseball pants, I think this will answer that question.

Funny Picture of the Week

Now that I have discovered the ability to put pictures up on the blog, there are going to be a lot more visual jokes, hence the "My Friends Look like Famous Athletes" blog. (Which was a surprisingly big hit with all of you. I'm glad everyone enjoyed it so much. Although I have yet to hear from Sam G. It is possible that our friendship hinged on the argument that he did or didn't look like Slava Medvedenko. And now that I have proved beyond a reasonable doubt that he is Slava's long lost brother, our friendship maybe over. I hope not. I have been getting lots of suggestions for look alikes, so rest assured there is another one coming soon.) I am lazy, so my goal for this blog is to come up with enough special "once a week" regulars, that I don't have to do anything creative anymore, and I can simply rest on my laurels. Unfortunately, in order for that to be possible, I have to think of these regulars first. So until I get there I'll keep up the random blog topics. But, here is one of my hopeful regulars. There are always hilarious pictures taken during sporting events that I see and want to share with friends, and I would be remiss if I didn't use this blog to show my findings. So, here is the newest member of the family: Funny Picture of the Week.




I truly believe that this is the most perfect picture to start this segment off with. I have seen lots of sports, and lots of pictures, but some how Yao Ming continues to be the victim of funny photography more often than any other athlete. Whether he is falling over in the wake of Starbury cross over, tripping over his warm up pants, or getting a mouth full of Kobe Bryant, Yao's ability to be in the wrong place at the right time is unrivaled. And now, he has a partner. Here's to Chinese basketball players, and the funny pictures that they inspire.

The Game of the Millenium

Maybe it will be the greatest football game ever played. It has certainly gotten more coverage than any other regular season game I can think of. And rightfully so. Both teams are undefeated. Both teams are led by arguably the greatest quarterback of this generation, and they have combined to win 4 of the last 6 Super Bowls. And today, their already marvelous rivalry could potentially take it's place next to some of the greatest sports rivalries of all time. If today's game lives up to the hype, Colts-Pats will be along side the likes of the Lakers-Celtics of the 80's, the Yankees-Red Sox and Duke-North Carolina. If only Tom Brady and Peyton Manning hated eachother, we might have the greatest rivalry ever. Unfortunately they're both nice guys, so until now, this match up has seen some great games, but no extra drama. That will all change today. While Tom Brady maybe a gentlemen, his best reciever is a clown, and his coach is an ass hole. This is what has me so excited about the game. No matter how great the play will be, and it will be great, the addition of Randy Moss and the huge chip that Belichek has on his shoulder this year are going to add a new dimension to this rivalry. Feathers, that were previously neatly arranged, will be ruffled. Feelings, that were previously respected, will be hurt. And this rivalry, that was previously good, will now be great.


PREGAME PREDICTION: Pats by 10, 34-24. They're too good.

Hey Boston, can you spare some change?

This is a plea to any and all of the good fortune that the city of Boston, and ALL of it's sports teams are currently experiencing. I am the homeless guy that is standing outside of the bar on Saturday night begging for money, and Boston is the drunk basketball player who just got hammered for free and is about to go home and have sex with the flexible cheerleader. Boston, I beg you, please spare some change. Boston fans would like you to believe that they are only experiencing the karmatic results of decades of devout suffering, but don't believe that for a second. True, the Red Sox didn't win a World Series for over 80 years, the Patriots struggled in the 80's and most of the 90's, and the Celtics haven't been good for 20 years, but you have to realize that most of these things didn't over lap. While the Sox were on the schnide for 8 straight decades, the Celtics were busy winning 17 NBA Championships. When the Celtics got bad, the Patriots stepped up and won three Super Bowls in four years. When the Pats seemed like they were gonna cool off, the Sox finally got their World Series. And at any given time, if any of the big three were struggling, those chowder heads could always turn to the Bruins who have won 5 Stanley Cups, or any of there college teams that are always good at something. My point is that it has always been easy to be a sports fan in Boston, because even when one of your teams was struggling, you had another one to turn to. But now, it has gotten ridiculous. While we are at one of our lowest points as a sports city, Boston is getting as lucky as Shaun Alexander in a dick tree. Let's take a sport by sport look at Boston's blessings and Seattle's suckiness.

Baseball-
Although I am pretty happy with the off season coaching additions that the M's have made so far, Larry Bowa, Mel Stoudelmire, etc., Boston is coming off of it's second world series in four years. No more complaining about the "curse". Let's talk about our curse, the curse of existing. We are one of four teams that have never played in the world series, along with Tampa Bay, Milwaukee, and Washington. We've only been around for 32 years, and I know 32 is less than 86, but never is more than 86. We have 1995 and 2001 and that's it. Baseball misery: advantage Seattle.

Pro Football-
The Patriots are the best team in football, possibly the best team ever assembled, they might go undefeated, they have the coolest receiver, the best looking and most bad ass QB, and a coach that has a taste for blood. We are pretty mediocre. We kicked 6 field goals against St. Louis, who is the worst team in football. We have a bunch of number 2 receivers, a bald quarter back, a running back that...isn't good*, and a coach that has a taste for donuts. Just as in baseball, our city has zero championships in this sport. Football misery: advantage Seattle.

*I am no longer going to spend my time, or yours, writing about Shaun Alexander. He is awful. We all know it. 2005 was a great year, but a lot of that credit goes to the O-Line, possibly the best ever. Now Walt is old, and Hutch is making another running back very very happy - Adrian Peterson. Alexander is a waste of time, money, and space, and I am done with him. I hope he builds a tree house in that dick tree we talked about earlier, and leaves all of us alone.

Basketball-
What can I say. The Celts have our best player from last year, and he is the third best player on their team. I hope everybody watched the Celtics play on Friday night, because they are for real. KG is great. We already knew that, but now that he is in a great sports city, with great players, he is on another level. As for us, we have been pretty exciting. "Wonderboy" Durant has been totally amazing, and "Young Nasty Man" Green has been pretty good too. But that's not the point. Clay Bennett officially filed his relocation papers on Friday, and made it public (as if we didn't already know) that he plans on moving the team to Oklahoma City. David Stern said we "have no heart" as a basketball city. I'll have a blog dedicated to this whole cluster in couple of days, as for now, it's pretty fair to say that we are more miserable than any other basketball city in the country. Save our Sonics. Advantage no one.

So, like I said, I am the homeless guy in the rain, and Boston is sipping champagne in the penthouse sweet with it's hot girlfriend. Are we doomed to a life of Richard's Wild Irish Rose and masturbating in a card board box, thinking about Super Bowl rings and World Series'? None of my favorite pro teams have won a championship in my lifetime. To make matters worse, the only titles we have in the past 30 years are bunch of Sounders A-League Championships, and the Storm. That's not a consolation, it's paint balls filled with salt, being shot at our already painful wounds. Cleveland feels our pain, so does Philadelphia. Come on Boston, don't be a dick, spare some change.