Believe it or not, this is not actually Barry Bonds. This is Ben Steitzer's Halloween costume. I realize that there a lot of questions that will come to most of your minds when you see this photo. Some of them maybe: Why did Ben choose Barry Bonds as a costume? Where did he find all the gear? Why did Andy decide to take pictures of Ben dressed as Barry Bonds? Was this actually a Halloween costume, or were Ben and Andy just goofing around the house? How did Ben's legs look in baseball pants?
All of these questions and more are simply explained in the story that you are about to read. I present to you, Ben and Andy's Halloween Party.
Since Ben has been going to college in Bellingham, and I decided to stay in Seattle and go to UW, I have gotten very used to the sad fact that I don't get to see my buddy all that often. Especially during the school year. So, when Ben called me up on Halloween, which was a Wednesday night, and told me that he was in town, I was elated. My excitement, though, quickly turned to panic, as I realized that I had just invited Ben over to my house with absolutely no Halloween night plans whatsoever.
You see, Ben usually comes home every other weekend, and with this set schedule I am able to pre-plan an itinerary of fun filled activities for us to embark on during these said alternate weekends. These weekends usually consist of us doing, in this order: nothing, watching shitty Jimmy Fallon movies, drinking left over champagne from my New Years party last year, and prank calling the Gelinas parents. But with no warning of his arrival, I had no itinerary of fun.
So, I did what I do every time I need a quick fix solution for fun, I called my life long friends, Cam and Clay Bell. These two guys, if you don't know them, are basically the picture of a good time. Twins, who are equally hilarious and interested in making sure your time with them is spent getting made fun of, and discussing the obvious dangers of growing up on the mean streets of Seward Park.(Easily the most Jewish and friendly neighborhood in all of South Seattle, where they, Ben and I all live.)
I got a hold of Cam, and after about three minutes of being chastised for the "whiteness" of saying "hey, man" when I answered the phone, we got down to business. They were planning on going to a night club called "Sugar". There was apparently a great Halloween party happening there, and if we got there before 11 we could get in free. Halelouya, I thought. The night was saved, and more importantly I was still the King of Fun in Ben's eyes. I was so happy with myself for creating a plan so quickly, that I nearly didn't hear Cam drop the bomb that decimated my self satisfaction.
"Oh yeah, to get in free you gotta have a costume. I'm going as Prince, Clay is gonna be Superman......"
I didn't hear anything after that. I couldn't hear after that. Not over the crashing airplane that was my reputation. "Costumes!?! How the hell am I gonna do that?" I frantically thought to myself.
"So, you guys in?" Cam excitedly asked.
This is a problem that has plagued me for my whole life. In an attempt to impress for even the most ridiculous of reasons, I'll pretend to have it "all under control." When there is clearly not a chance in hell that it's under control at all.
"Of course," I said as coolly as possible.
"What are you guys gonna be?"
For fuck's sake Cam, what the fuck are you, the KBG. Stop putting the screws to me. I thought we were friends. "What are you guys gonna be?" Who the fuck does Cam think he is. I don't have to impress him, we've been friends for years. So why after all this time is he now showing his true sadistic and malicious intentions. To expose me for the fraud that I am.
"Oh, you'll see. You're gonna laugh your ass off." What a sad, pathetic man I am.
It was 10:15. Ben was on his way. Cam and Clay expected us to be at their house soon enough to get into "Sugar" before 11. And there I was, in my laundry room, frantically ravaging through our old costume closet. The closet was full of costumes from my, and my brothers, childhood. Cool old homemade clown suits, and vampire capes, and Ninja Turtles headbands. This would have been the mother load, if I where 4'10" and weighed 90 pounds. And, unfortunately the new female manifesto that nothing is too small to wear on Halloween, doesn't exactly work for the opposite and far hairier sex.
So there I was, trying on my clown suit from third grade, Ben seconds away from my house expecting the night of his life, Cam most likely telling Clay to expect comic gold from our costumes, and I was picking a polka dotted wedgie from my ass. Not exactly the picture of composure that I tried to portray on the phone.
When Ben got there, I spilled the beans. I told him all about how I didn't have a plan, how I told Cam and Clay that we had great costumes, how they were probably expecting greatness and that I had nothing. It was teetering on the verge of an episode of Dr. Phil when Ben spotted my Barry Bonds jersey hanging in my closet. This jersey, that I had gotten for $7 from Value Village the summer before, that I wore at times during his chase of Hand Aaron to provoke arguments of steroids and cheating, was exactly what we needed. There is nothing funnier than skinny white guys dressed as big strong athletes. Ben and Barry Bonds were a match made in heaven. The funniest part of the whole costume, in my opinion, is that he simply dressed up like Barry Bonds: the jersey, the hat, baseball pants, and that was it. No statement whatsoever. I bet he wasn't the only guy dressed as Barry Bonds this Halloween, but I bet he was the only one that didn't make an obvious steroids joke, or some meaningless, bull shit, Skip Bayless attempt at proving that Barry Bonds is a bad guy. Ben just dressed as Barry Bonds, and that is funny.
As for me, I remembered that I had a full Adidas running suit, which a great base for a Run DMC costume. I threw on a bucket hat, and an Africa chain, and the two of us were ready to party.
In the end Cam and Clay were thoroughly amused, which was the ultimate goal in the first place. "Sugar" didn't care if you had a costume on or not, if you had a penis it was $10 to get in. And we had a great night.
As for Ben's legs in the baseball pants, I think this will answer that question.
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