I haven't had a rant in a while, and it is time. Oh boy, is it time!!
There is a lot of pretty annoying shit going on right now in the Seattle sports scene. Stuff that certainly warrants much of the complaining and belly aching that I've been hearing. Yes, we are tortured. Yes, we are pathetic. Yes, we are unlucky. But that doesn't mean that you have to give up so god damn easily. And it certainly doesn't give you the right to do any of the following: A, stop caring about your "favorite" team, B, whine like a little punk, C, root for another team.
Here is my response to many of the complaints and sentiments that I have been hearing over the past few weeks. Start acting like sports fans.
Here is one that I've been hearing a lot lately.
"Why should I root for the Sonics? They're just gonna move to Oklahoma City in year anyway."
First of all. Fuck you. Maybe they won't leave. And if they don't, all those self loathing, woe is me, sorry sap Sonics "fans" that jumped ship this year don't get to get back on the wagon when they stay in town and Kevin Durant is shaking his shit at the whole NBA for the next 15 years. Sorry ass hole. You have to root for the Blazers, because that's what you said you were gonna to do in 2007, and we don't want any fair weather, band wagon fans fucking up KD's flow.
Second of all. Fuck you again. What would Shawn Kemp and Gary Payton think if they knew that just 10 years after they were running this city, that some red neck cow boy from Oklahoma could ruin our entire fanhood just by buying the team? I'll tell you what they'd think. Gary would look at you with his head tilted, and then out of the side of his sneered mouth, he'd call you a "Punk Bitch." And then Shawn would ask you where your mom was, and if she was fertile. This team has history!!! It's the only team in our city with a championship. There is greatness in our rafters. Don't forget this.
Third of all. If they do leave, won't you feel like you let them down if you don't do everything in your power as a fan to keep them? Go to the games. Yeah, they suck. But they are fun to watch. They run. They shoot. They play zero defense, so at the very least you're gonna see the other team at it's best. There are good reasons to go and watch this team. KD is gonna be the Rookie of the Year. Delonte West is one of the biggest clowns in the league. And who knows, maybe somebody will choke PJ Carlisemo.
So, as a Sonics fan you have three choices. Go root for your team out of fanhood. Go root for your team out of debt. Or...shut the fuck up.
Another things I'm hearing a lot of is this.
"Let's keep Ty around, he brings in quality guys. Guys that do the right thing, and try, and go to class and act right."
So the fuck what? He could bring in Mother Theresa, and if we lose 8 games a year, he needs to get FIRED!! There is no question what college football, or any high level sport for that matter, is about. WINNING!
A couple of things to consider when analyzing Ty's methods.
Sure he brings in quality guys. His graduation rate is great. The players are approachable and down to earth. They are involved in the University, and they rarely get in trouble. So make him the AD. We all agree that Todd Turner is a douche anyway. If we feel like we need to keep Ty around so much, since he is so great for the program, then make him the Athletic Director.
But, who says you need "quality" guys. Some of my favorite all time Huskies would more than likely not be in this category of students. Look at what June Jones is doing in Hawaii. He is basically coaching that team by the Statue of Liberty motto. I don't mean the trick play the Boise State used to win the Aloha Bowl last January. I mean the motto "Give us your poor, your tired, your huddled masses..." June will take anybody...as long as you can play. He doesn't care if you spent 15 months in Juvie, Davone Bess. He doesn't care if you just wanna chill in the South End and smoke, Jordan Slye. He doesn't care if you get hammered and shake your dick at people, Colt Brennen. If you can play, you have a spot at Hawaii. And guess what? They are undefeated. And this Saturday - when these two schools, of students and of thought, collide - we'll see who wins.
And lastly. The Shaun Alexander debate.
"He's better than Mo Morris. If you take away the two or three big runs that Mo gets every week, he averages less than 3 yards per carry. Shaun can do that."
Wow. I know I said I was done talking about Shaun about four weeks ago, but people insist on bringing it back up. Listen when I tell you...Shaun Alexander is DONE!!! He got his money. He ran behind the best line in the past 20 years, and he GOT HIS MONEY. Now all he wants to do is pray, pretend to kiss his wife, and giggle. Nowhere in his life is there room for playing good football anymore.
Three reasons I don't wanna hear it.
1. Since Shaun went down, and we've gone with Mo and the pass first offense, we're 3-0. Undefeated with Mo. Undefeated without Shaun. Very simple.
2. "Without those two or three big runs..." Why would you discount those two or three big runs? They happen. They exist. Every week Mo busts a couple of huge plays. That's what he does. If you take away those two or three touchdowns Tom Brady throws every Sunday he probably won't break Peyton Mannings record either. But you don't, because they happen.
3. We are playing a pass first offense, and winning. Not only is Shaun Alexander one of the worst pass catching backs in the NFL, he has a broken hand. If he plays, the offense changes, and we slow down an offense that is playing better over the past three weeks than it has in over a year.
So, I hope we are clear. Stop the bitching. Or at least bitch about the right stuff. Go see Kevin Durant, if only out of respect for GP and the Reign Man. And when you do, boo Wally Szcerbiak. Not only do we still need to hate him for the 41 he put on the Dawgs in the tourney 8 years ago, but he's fat now. Boo him. Stop defending Ty, he is a loser. We don't want to be losers do we? Mora, Mora, Mora!! Start the chants, he's coming. And don't ask for Shaun. That's like crawling back to your gold digging ex-girlfriend. Mo Morris is your new girlfriend, treat him/her right.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Best Names in Sports
This is one of my favorite topics to discuss and debate with friends, family, coworkers, or literally anyone who wants to add their two cents. The best part about this debate is that it is a sports argument, but you don't actually have to know anything about sports. All you need is a sense of humor, and the ability to notice a funny name when you hear one. It is the "Best Name in Sports" debate, and we've all had it.
There are no real ground rules for a selection, although maybe there should be. You can have any reason for liking a name, you just have to be able to justify it. Whether you like the name because it sounds like a bodily function, or malfunction, like the famous NASCAR driver Dick Trickle. Or you like the name because it is ironic, like Darko Milicic, the only white guy drafted in the top ten in the 2003 NBA draft. Or if you just think the name is goofy and it reminds you of your favorite cereal, like Coco Crisp of the Red Sox. Almost any name can be included, as long as you think it's funny.
And that is what I'm looking for; the names that YOU, my friends and loyal readers, think are funny. I could sit here and write down a list of names that I find amusing, tell you why, and try convince you that I am the end all guru of funny sports names. But the truth is, I am not. There are probably names that I have never heard of, that you know, that you would add to my list. So this is what we are going to do. We are going to have our very own "Best Names is Sports" bracket, to find out once and for all, what is the funniest name in all of sports. Here is how we will do this.
RULES
1. Everyone will pick one name by December 10th. Only one name per participant, so make sure that you pick the name that you think is the funniest. First come first serve, so if you think you might pick a name that will be popular, tell me soon, so you can be sure you get your athlete.
2. You have to have an explanation for why you think the name is funny. It can be as simple as "his name rhymes with penis, that is hilarious." Or you can get deep, and explain why your selection is funniest for some reason we might not ever have thought of. IT'S UP TO YOU.
3. Everyone who reads this has to participate. I don't care if you simply add the name Rob Simms. And justify it by saying that it's funny because it's simple. I don't care, I just want to have a field of at least 16. Tell your friends, get the names in. Email me the selection, so no one else can see it. abunker206@gmail.com.
4. **Here is the reason you will play. The winner will receive tickets to the Final Four in San Antonio, Texas. An all expenses paid trip for 10, to the Final Four. Five Star hotels, limousines, court side seats, everything you can possibly think of, it'll be yours, all you have to do is win. Simple as that.**
This will actually be pretty fun if enough people play. In closing, you should feel bad if you read this and don't respond with something. All I want is full participation. Plus, this is your chance to prove that you are the most hilarious reader of "Road to the BigTime." That would mean a lot to me.
To get the ball rolling, here is my pick and my explanation. An'Juan Wilderness. The 6 foot 6, 215 pound forward, for the UNC Charlotte 49ers. I chose An'Juan for a few reasons. First, it's important to me for the players last name to be funny, and out of the ordinary. Any body can have a funny first name, but a good last name is rare. Second, anytime you can find a name that you have never heard before you are doing a good job. Third, any name with a non-possessive apostrophe is going to be good. His mom substituted the "T" in Antione, for an apostrophe, thus allowing her to break away from the traditional usage of the "ione" suffix, and use the Spanish "Juan". Damn.
That is creative, hilarious, and in my opinion, going to be hard to beat. The ball is now in your court readers. Impress me. And better yet, impress each other.
**Sike.
There are no real ground rules for a selection, although maybe there should be. You can have any reason for liking a name, you just have to be able to justify it. Whether you like the name because it sounds like a bodily function, or malfunction, like the famous NASCAR driver Dick Trickle. Or you like the name because it is ironic, like Darko Milicic, the only white guy drafted in the top ten in the 2003 NBA draft. Or if you just think the name is goofy and it reminds you of your favorite cereal, like Coco Crisp of the Red Sox. Almost any name can be included, as long as you think it's funny.
And that is what I'm looking for; the names that YOU, my friends and loyal readers, think are funny. I could sit here and write down a list of names that I find amusing, tell you why, and try convince you that I am the end all guru of funny sports names. But the truth is, I am not. There are probably names that I have never heard of, that you know, that you would add to my list. So this is what we are going to do. We are going to have our very own "Best Names is Sports" bracket, to find out once and for all, what is the funniest name in all of sports. Here is how we will do this.
RULES
1. Everyone will pick one name by December 10th. Only one name per participant, so make sure that you pick the name that you think is the funniest. First come first serve, so if you think you might pick a name that will be popular, tell me soon, so you can be sure you get your athlete.
2. You have to have an explanation for why you think the name is funny. It can be as simple as "his name rhymes with penis, that is hilarious." Or you can get deep, and explain why your selection is funniest for some reason we might not ever have thought of. IT'S UP TO YOU.
3. Everyone who reads this has to participate. I don't care if you simply add the name Rob Simms. And justify it by saying that it's funny because it's simple. I don't care, I just want to have a field of at least 16. Tell your friends, get the names in. Email me the selection, so no one else can see it. abunker206@gmail.com.
4. **Here is the reason you will play. The winner will receive tickets to the Final Four in San Antonio, Texas. An all expenses paid trip for 10, to the Final Four. Five Star hotels, limousines, court side seats, everything you can possibly think of, it'll be yours, all you have to do is win. Simple as that.**
This will actually be pretty fun if enough people play. In closing, you should feel bad if you read this and don't respond with something. All I want is full participation. Plus, this is your chance to prove that you are the most hilarious reader of "Road to the BigTime." That would mean a lot to me.
To get the ball rolling, here is my pick and my explanation. An'Juan Wilderness. The 6 foot 6, 215 pound forward, for the UNC Charlotte 49ers. I chose An'Juan for a few reasons. First, it's important to me for the players last name to be funny, and out of the ordinary. Any body can have a funny first name, but a good last name is rare. Second, anytime you can find a name that you have never heard before you are doing a good job. Third, any name with a non-possessive apostrophe is going to be good. His mom substituted the "T" in Antione, for an apostrophe, thus allowing her to break away from the traditional usage of the "ione" suffix, and use the Spanish "Juan". Damn.
That is creative, hilarious, and in my opinion, going to be hard to beat. The ball is now in your court readers. Impress me. And better yet, impress each other.
**Sike.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Funny Picture of the Week
We always see people at the games we attend trying pathetically to attain free tickets. But once every blue moon, somebody does something clever and funny, and earns the free ticket that they asked for. I didn't have it in me this past Saturday to work any harder than a few emails and text messages to try and land a couple of Apple Cup tickets. Needless to say, I watched the game from the Duchess. Now, had I had the guile and creativity that my good buddy Barry showed, I may have had the misfortune of watching the debachle from the stands. In hind sight, I'm glad I wasn't there, for my poor Husky heart may not have been able to take that sort of pain in person. But Barry was, and here is why.
Barry is a clever guy, and for his spoils he was granted the gift of watching the Huskies lose the most painful game I can remember. I spent $80 on high quality liquor to entertain friends after the game, but I was so sad/mad/stunned/heart broken, that I had to cancel the party so I could regroup. Man was that game painful. At least Barry gave us some funny pictures to show for it.
Barry is a clever guy, and for his spoils he was granted the gift of watching the Huskies lose the most painful game I can remember. I spent $80 on high quality liquor to entertain friends after the game, but I was so sad/mad/stunned/heart broken, that I had to cancel the party so I could regroup. Man was that game painful. At least Barry gave us some funny pictures to show for it.
Davone Bess for Hiesman
I hope that you have had the chance to watch Hawaii's football team at some point this season. June Jones is an offensive genius, and his teams are among the most fun to watch year in and year out. This season is no different. Colt Brennen is a front runner for Hiesman, the Rainbow Warriors are undefeated and ranked 12th in the nation, and that game last Friday against Boise State was prime time action. But these are all things that you already know, and if you don't you will after they dismantle our beleaguered Huskies this Saturday in Honolulu. What you don't already know is the amazing tale of Davone Bess. Here at "Road to the BigTime" we often celebrate things in sports that are less than smiled upon by the mainstream sports media: Manny's posing, Randy Moss and T.O., sucker punching, etc. Well, Davone Bess is right up our alley. Not that he isn't a great guy, or a wonderful athlete. His story is simply unique, and appealing to my type of sports fan. Here is an ode to a "Road to the BigTime" all-star.
While his 15 catch, 181 yard, 2 touchdown game against Boise State was very impressive, what's more impressive to me is how he ended up in Hawaii. Bess was a three sport star in high school in Oakland, and was all set to attend Oregon State University on a full football scholarship, when he was locked up in a juvenile detention center for 15 months less than three weeks after his high school graduation. Oregon State quickly rescinded its scholarship, and there he was in juvie, all alone, athletic freak that he was, with no future in sports. So he did what any hood star would do. He convinced one of the activities coordinators at the detention center to start taping the 7 on 7 football scrimmages that they had during "exercise period". Eventually they had enough footage to compile a hi-lite tape, and they sent it to Hawaii. They liked it, and when he got out of jail, they extended him a scholarship, and the rest is history.
He got a college scholarship for a 7 on 7 jailyard hi-lite tape!! That is hard. Not only that, but he is one of the most athletic receivers in college football this year. He shakes guys like Steve Slaton, he does front flips into the end zone like Reggie Bush, and he has really funny bleached dread locks like T-Pain. So, if you get the chance to watch the Huskies game this Saturday, please do so for your own enjoyment. God knows that after the Apple Cup we all need a game to sit back, relax, and watch those good for nothing bastards get killed. I'll be rooting for Davone Bess, and if the dread locks and freakish athleticism have anything to say about it, you will be too.
While his 15 catch, 181 yard, 2 touchdown game against Boise State was very impressive, what's more impressive to me is how he ended up in Hawaii. Bess was a three sport star in high school in Oakland, and was all set to attend Oregon State University on a full football scholarship, when he was locked up in a juvenile detention center for 15 months less than three weeks after his high school graduation. Oregon State quickly rescinded its scholarship, and there he was in juvie, all alone, athletic freak that he was, with no future in sports. So he did what any hood star would do. He convinced one of the activities coordinators at the detention center to start taping the 7 on 7 football scrimmages that they had during "exercise period". Eventually they had enough footage to compile a hi-lite tape, and they sent it to Hawaii. They liked it, and when he got out of jail, they extended him a scholarship, and the rest is history.
He got a college scholarship for a 7 on 7 jailyard hi-lite tape!! That is hard. Not only that, but he is one of the most athletic receivers in college football this year. He shakes guys like Steve Slaton, he does front flips into the end zone like Reggie Bush, and he has really funny bleached dread locks like T-Pain. So, if you get the chance to watch the Huskies game this Saturday, please do so for your own enjoyment. God knows that after the Apple Cup we all need a game to sit back, relax, and watch those good for nothing bastards get killed. I'll be rooting for Davone Bess, and if the dread locks and freakish athleticism have anything to say about it, you will be too.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes
Welcome to another addition of "My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes." On our last visit we saw that Matt Emmick is a lucky ass hole, Jonah Golan resembles Rex, and that Sam Gelinas and Slava Medvedenko may have been separated at birth. Let's see if I can lose a couple more friends. But first, let's see what my angry friends said that I look like.
Unfortunately I was unable to find a picture of a "bucket of Too-Short's cum", so we'll just have to imagine what that looks like. What I did find was a picture of Brett Favre (Jonah said I looked like him) that looks a bit like me. Here it is.
And in case you forgot, this is what I look like.
Pretty similar I guess. Sorry about the Getty Images writing on Brett's face. Those ass holes at Getty Images really don't want anybody using their shit. I think they need to chill out.
That said, here are some more of my friends and their look a likes.
John Kitna
And your boy J-Sky. I have a feeling Skyward isn't gonna be too happy about this one. Sorry man, it's true.
Here is Eric Byrnes.
And my partner in play by play at Green River Community College, Jarret Tomalin.
This one is my favorite. Here is Red Sox pitcher, Dice-K Matsuzaka.
And my brother's roommate, and life long friend, Taylor Matsui.
I hope everybody enjoyed this edition. Until next time. Oh yeah, and feel free to fire back with who you think I look like. Brett Favre isn't exactly an insult since he's my favorite football player ever, and he's is the handsome spokesman of Wrangler Jeans.
Unfortunately I was unable to find a picture of a "bucket of Too-Short's cum", so we'll just have to imagine what that looks like. What I did find was a picture of Brett Favre (Jonah said I looked like him) that looks a bit like me. Here it is.
And in case you forgot, this is what I look like.
Pretty similar I guess. Sorry about the Getty Images writing on Brett's face. Those ass holes at Getty Images really don't want anybody using their shit. I think they need to chill out.
That said, here are some more of my friends and their look a likes.
John Kitna
And your boy J-Sky. I have a feeling Skyward isn't gonna be too happy about this one. Sorry man, it's true.
Here is Eric Byrnes.
And my partner in play by play at Green River Community College, Jarret Tomalin.
This one is my favorite. Here is Red Sox pitcher, Dice-K Matsuzaka.
And my brother's roommate, and life long friend, Taylor Matsui.
I hope everybody enjoyed this edition. Until next time. Oh yeah, and feel free to fire back with who you think I look like. Brett Favre isn't exactly an insult since he's my favorite football player ever, and he's is the handsome spokesman of Wrangler Jeans.
Funny Picture of the Week
Here is our second installment of "funny picture of the week." I got a few suggestions from you all, all of which were hilarious and much appreciated, but I think I have one to top them all. And, not only is it funny, but I took it, so I am even more excited to present it to you. I will first present to you the photo, then explain it in an attempt to save a little bit of face.
Believe it or not, this is not actually Barry Bonds. This is Ben Steitzer's Halloween costume. I realize that there a lot of questions that will come to most of your minds when you see this photo. Some of them maybe: Why did Ben choose Barry Bonds as a costume? Where did he find all the gear? Why did Andy decide to take pictures of Ben dressed as Barry Bonds? Was this actually a Halloween costume, or were Ben and Andy just goofing around the house? How did Ben's legs look in baseball pants?
All of these questions and more are simply explained in the story that you are about to read. I present to you, Ben and Andy's Halloween Party.
Since Ben has been going to college in Bellingham, and I decided to stay in Seattle and go to UW, I have gotten very used to the sad fact that I don't get to see my buddy all that often. Especially during the school year. So, when Ben called me up on Halloween, which was a Wednesday night, and told me that he was in town, I was elated. My excitement, though, quickly turned to panic, as I realized that I had just invited Ben over to my house with absolutely no Halloween night plans whatsoever.
You see, Ben usually comes home every other weekend, and with this set schedule I am able to pre-plan an itinerary of fun filled activities for us to embark on during these said alternate weekends. These weekends usually consist of us doing, in this order: nothing, watching shitty Jimmy Fallon movies, drinking left over champagne from my New Years party last year, and prank calling the Gelinas parents. But with no warning of his arrival, I had no itinerary of fun.
So, I did what I do every time I need a quick fix solution for fun, I called my life long friends, Cam and Clay Bell. These two guys, if you don't know them, are basically the picture of a good time. Twins, who are equally hilarious and interested in making sure your time with them is spent getting made fun of, and discussing the obvious dangers of growing up on the mean streets of Seward Park.(Easily the most Jewish and friendly neighborhood in all of South Seattle, where they, Ben and I all live.)
I got a hold of Cam, and after about three minutes of being chastised for the "whiteness" of saying "hey, man" when I answered the phone, we got down to business. They were planning on going to a night club called "Sugar". There was apparently a great Halloween party happening there, and if we got there before 11 we could get in free. Halelouya, I thought. The night was saved, and more importantly I was still the King of Fun in Ben's eyes. I was so happy with myself for creating a plan so quickly, that I nearly didn't hear Cam drop the bomb that decimated my self satisfaction.
"Oh yeah, to get in free you gotta have a costume. I'm going as Prince, Clay is gonna be Superman......"
I didn't hear anything after that. I couldn't hear after that. Not over the crashing airplane that was my reputation. "Costumes!?! How the hell am I gonna do that?" I frantically thought to myself.
"So, you guys in?" Cam excitedly asked.
This is a problem that has plagued me for my whole life. In an attempt to impress for even the most ridiculous of reasons, I'll pretend to have it "all under control." When there is clearly not a chance in hell that it's under control at all.
"Of course," I said as coolly as possible.
"What are you guys gonna be?"
For fuck's sake Cam, what the fuck are you, the KBG. Stop putting the screws to me. I thought we were friends. "What are you guys gonna be?" Who the fuck does Cam think he is. I don't have to impress him, we've been friends for years. So why after all this time is he now showing his true sadistic and malicious intentions. To expose me for the fraud that I am.
"Oh, you'll see. You're gonna laugh your ass off." What a sad, pathetic man I am.
It was 10:15. Ben was on his way. Cam and Clay expected us to be at their house soon enough to get into "Sugar" before 11. And there I was, in my laundry room, frantically ravaging through our old costume closet. The closet was full of costumes from my, and my brothers, childhood. Cool old homemade clown suits, and vampire capes, and Ninja Turtles headbands. This would have been the mother load, if I where 4'10" and weighed 90 pounds. And, unfortunately the new female manifesto that nothing is too small to wear on Halloween, doesn't exactly work for the opposite and far hairier sex.
So there I was, trying on my clown suit from third grade, Ben seconds away from my house expecting the night of his life, Cam most likely telling Clay to expect comic gold from our costumes, and I was picking a polka dotted wedgie from my ass. Not exactly the picture of composure that I tried to portray on the phone.
When Ben got there, I spilled the beans. I told him all about how I didn't have a plan, how I told Cam and Clay that we had great costumes, how they were probably expecting greatness and that I had nothing. It was teetering on the verge of an episode of Dr. Phil when Ben spotted my Barry Bonds jersey hanging in my closet. This jersey, that I had gotten for $7 from Value Village the summer before, that I wore at times during his chase of Hand Aaron to provoke arguments of steroids and cheating, was exactly what we needed. There is nothing funnier than skinny white guys dressed as big strong athletes. Ben and Barry Bonds were a match made in heaven. The funniest part of the whole costume, in my opinion, is that he simply dressed up like Barry Bonds: the jersey, the hat, baseball pants, and that was it. No statement whatsoever. I bet he wasn't the only guy dressed as Barry Bonds this Halloween, but I bet he was the only one that didn't make an obvious steroids joke, or some meaningless, bull shit, Skip Bayless attempt at proving that Barry Bonds is a bad guy. Ben just dressed as Barry Bonds, and that is funny.
As for me, I remembered that I had a full Adidas running suit, which a great base for a Run DMC costume. I threw on a bucket hat, and an Africa chain, and the two of us were ready to party.
In the end Cam and Clay were thoroughly amused, which was the ultimate goal in the first place. "Sugar" didn't care if you had a costume on or not, if you had a penis it was $10 to get in. And we had a great night.
As for Ben's legs in the baseball pants, I think this will answer that question.
Believe it or not, this is not actually Barry Bonds. This is Ben Steitzer's Halloween costume. I realize that there a lot of questions that will come to most of your minds when you see this photo. Some of them maybe: Why did Ben choose Barry Bonds as a costume? Where did he find all the gear? Why did Andy decide to take pictures of Ben dressed as Barry Bonds? Was this actually a Halloween costume, or were Ben and Andy just goofing around the house? How did Ben's legs look in baseball pants?
All of these questions and more are simply explained in the story that you are about to read. I present to you, Ben and Andy's Halloween Party.
Since Ben has been going to college in Bellingham, and I decided to stay in Seattle and go to UW, I have gotten very used to the sad fact that I don't get to see my buddy all that often. Especially during the school year. So, when Ben called me up on Halloween, which was a Wednesday night, and told me that he was in town, I was elated. My excitement, though, quickly turned to panic, as I realized that I had just invited Ben over to my house with absolutely no Halloween night plans whatsoever.
You see, Ben usually comes home every other weekend, and with this set schedule I am able to pre-plan an itinerary of fun filled activities for us to embark on during these said alternate weekends. These weekends usually consist of us doing, in this order: nothing, watching shitty Jimmy Fallon movies, drinking left over champagne from my New Years party last year, and prank calling the Gelinas parents. But with no warning of his arrival, I had no itinerary of fun.
So, I did what I do every time I need a quick fix solution for fun, I called my life long friends, Cam and Clay Bell. These two guys, if you don't know them, are basically the picture of a good time. Twins, who are equally hilarious and interested in making sure your time with them is spent getting made fun of, and discussing the obvious dangers of growing up on the mean streets of Seward Park.(Easily the most Jewish and friendly neighborhood in all of South Seattle, where they, Ben and I all live.)
I got a hold of Cam, and after about three minutes of being chastised for the "whiteness" of saying "hey, man" when I answered the phone, we got down to business. They were planning on going to a night club called "Sugar". There was apparently a great Halloween party happening there, and if we got there before 11 we could get in free. Halelouya, I thought. The night was saved, and more importantly I was still the King of Fun in Ben's eyes. I was so happy with myself for creating a plan so quickly, that I nearly didn't hear Cam drop the bomb that decimated my self satisfaction.
"Oh yeah, to get in free you gotta have a costume. I'm going as Prince, Clay is gonna be Superman......"
I didn't hear anything after that. I couldn't hear after that. Not over the crashing airplane that was my reputation. "Costumes!?! How the hell am I gonna do that?" I frantically thought to myself.
"So, you guys in?" Cam excitedly asked.
This is a problem that has plagued me for my whole life. In an attempt to impress for even the most ridiculous of reasons, I'll pretend to have it "all under control." When there is clearly not a chance in hell that it's under control at all.
"Of course," I said as coolly as possible.
"What are you guys gonna be?"
For fuck's sake Cam, what the fuck are you, the KBG. Stop putting the screws to me. I thought we were friends. "What are you guys gonna be?" Who the fuck does Cam think he is. I don't have to impress him, we've been friends for years. So why after all this time is he now showing his true sadistic and malicious intentions. To expose me for the fraud that I am.
"Oh, you'll see. You're gonna laugh your ass off." What a sad, pathetic man I am.
It was 10:15. Ben was on his way. Cam and Clay expected us to be at their house soon enough to get into "Sugar" before 11. And there I was, in my laundry room, frantically ravaging through our old costume closet. The closet was full of costumes from my, and my brothers, childhood. Cool old homemade clown suits, and vampire capes, and Ninja Turtles headbands. This would have been the mother load, if I where 4'10" and weighed 90 pounds. And, unfortunately the new female manifesto that nothing is too small to wear on Halloween, doesn't exactly work for the opposite and far hairier sex.
So there I was, trying on my clown suit from third grade, Ben seconds away from my house expecting the night of his life, Cam most likely telling Clay to expect comic gold from our costumes, and I was picking a polka dotted wedgie from my ass. Not exactly the picture of composure that I tried to portray on the phone.
When Ben got there, I spilled the beans. I told him all about how I didn't have a plan, how I told Cam and Clay that we had great costumes, how they were probably expecting greatness and that I had nothing. It was teetering on the verge of an episode of Dr. Phil when Ben spotted my Barry Bonds jersey hanging in my closet. This jersey, that I had gotten for $7 from Value Village the summer before, that I wore at times during his chase of Hand Aaron to provoke arguments of steroids and cheating, was exactly what we needed. There is nothing funnier than skinny white guys dressed as big strong athletes. Ben and Barry Bonds were a match made in heaven. The funniest part of the whole costume, in my opinion, is that he simply dressed up like Barry Bonds: the jersey, the hat, baseball pants, and that was it. No statement whatsoever. I bet he wasn't the only guy dressed as Barry Bonds this Halloween, but I bet he was the only one that didn't make an obvious steroids joke, or some meaningless, bull shit, Skip Bayless attempt at proving that Barry Bonds is a bad guy. Ben just dressed as Barry Bonds, and that is funny.
As for me, I remembered that I had a full Adidas running suit, which a great base for a Run DMC costume. I threw on a bucket hat, and an Africa chain, and the two of us were ready to party.
In the end Cam and Clay were thoroughly amused, which was the ultimate goal in the first place. "Sugar" didn't care if you had a costume on or not, if you had a penis it was $10 to get in. And we had a great night.
As for Ben's legs in the baseball pants, I think this will answer that question.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Funny Picture of the Week
Now that I have discovered the ability to put pictures up on the blog, there are going to be a lot more visual jokes, hence the "My Friends Look like Famous Athletes" blog. (Which was a surprisingly big hit with all of you. I'm glad everyone enjoyed it so much. Although I have yet to hear from Sam G. It is possible that our friendship hinged on the argument that he did or didn't look like Slava Medvedenko. And now that I have proved beyond a reasonable doubt that he is Slava's long lost brother, our friendship maybe over. I hope not. I have been getting lots of suggestions for look alikes, so rest assured there is another one coming soon.) I am lazy, so my goal for this blog is to come up with enough special "once a week" regulars, that I don't have to do anything creative anymore, and I can simply rest on my laurels. Unfortunately, in order for that to be possible, I have to think of these regulars first. So until I get there I'll keep up the random blog topics. But, here is one of my hopeful regulars. There are always hilarious pictures taken during sporting events that I see and want to share with friends, and I would be remiss if I didn't use this blog to show my findings. So, here is the newest member of the family: Funny Picture of the Week.
I truly believe that this is the most perfect picture to start this segment off with. I have seen lots of sports, and lots of pictures, but some how Yao Ming continues to be the victim of funny photography more often than any other athlete. Whether he is falling over in the wake of Starbury cross over, tripping over his warm up pants, or getting a mouth full of Kobe Bryant, Yao's ability to be in the wrong place at the right time is unrivaled. And now, he has a partner. Here's to Chinese basketball players, and the funny pictures that they inspire.
I truly believe that this is the most perfect picture to start this segment off with. I have seen lots of sports, and lots of pictures, but some how Yao Ming continues to be the victim of funny photography more often than any other athlete. Whether he is falling over in the wake of Starbury cross over, tripping over his warm up pants, or getting a mouth full of Kobe Bryant, Yao's ability to be in the wrong place at the right time is unrivaled. And now, he has a partner. Here's to Chinese basketball players, and the funny pictures that they inspire.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
The Game of the Millenium
Maybe it will be the greatest football game ever played. It has certainly gotten more coverage than any other regular season game I can think of. And rightfully so. Both teams are undefeated. Both teams are led by arguably the greatest quarterback of this generation, and they have combined to win 4 of the last 6 Super Bowls. And today, their already marvelous rivalry could potentially take it's place next to some of the greatest sports rivalries of all time. If today's game lives up to the hype, Colts-Pats will be along side the likes of the Lakers-Celtics of the 80's, the Yankees-Red Sox and Duke-North Carolina. If only Tom Brady and Peyton Manning hated eachother, we might have the greatest rivalry ever. Unfortunately they're both nice guys, so until now, this match up has seen some great games, but no extra drama. That will all change today. While Tom Brady maybe a gentlemen, his best reciever is a clown, and his coach is an ass hole. This is what has me so excited about the game. No matter how great the play will be, and it will be great, the addition of Randy Moss and the huge chip that Belichek has on his shoulder this year are going to add a new dimension to this rivalry. Feathers, that were previously neatly arranged, will be ruffled. Feelings, that were previously respected, will be hurt. And this rivalry, that was previously good, will now be great.
PREGAME PREDICTION: Pats by 10, 34-24. They're too good.
PREGAME PREDICTION: Pats by 10, 34-24. They're too good.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Hey Boston, can you spare some change?
This is a plea to any and all of the good fortune that the city of Boston, and ALL of it's sports teams are currently experiencing. I am the homeless guy that is standing outside of the bar on Saturday night begging for money, and Boston is the drunk basketball player who just got hammered for free and is about to go home and have sex with the flexible cheerleader. Boston, I beg you, please spare some change. Boston fans would like you to believe that they are only experiencing the karmatic results of decades of devout suffering, but don't believe that for a second. True, the Red Sox didn't win a World Series for over 80 years, the Patriots struggled in the 80's and most of the 90's, and the Celtics haven't been good for 20 years, but you have to realize that most of these things didn't over lap. While the Sox were on the schnide for 8 straight decades, the Celtics were busy winning 17 NBA Championships. When the Celtics got bad, the Patriots stepped up and won three Super Bowls in four years. When the Pats seemed like they were gonna cool off, the Sox finally got their World Series. And at any given time, if any of the big three were struggling, those chowder heads could always turn to the Bruins who have won 5 Stanley Cups, or any of there college teams that are always good at something. My point is that it has always been easy to be a sports fan in Boston, because even when one of your teams was struggling, you had another one to turn to. But now, it has gotten ridiculous. While we are at one of our lowest points as a sports city, Boston is getting as lucky as Shaun Alexander in a dick tree. Let's take a sport by sport look at Boston's blessings and Seattle's suckiness.
Baseball-
Although I am pretty happy with the off season coaching additions that the M's have made so far, Larry Bowa, Mel Stoudelmire, etc., Boston is coming off of it's second world series in four years. No more complaining about the "curse". Let's talk about our curse, the curse of existing. We are one of four teams that have never played in the world series, along with Tampa Bay, Milwaukee, and Washington. We've only been around for 32 years, and I know 32 is less than 86, but never is more than 86. We have 1995 and 2001 and that's it. Baseball misery: advantage Seattle.
Pro Football-
The Patriots are the best team in football, possibly the best team ever assembled, they might go undefeated, they have the coolest receiver, the best looking and most bad ass QB, and a coach that has a taste for blood. We are pretty mediocre. We kicked 6 field goals against St. Louis, who is the worst team in football. We have a bunch of number 2 receivers, a bald quarter back, a running back that...isn't good*, and a coach that has a taste for donuts. Just as in baseball, our city has zero championships in this sport. Football misery: advantage Seattle.
*I am no longer going to spend my time, or yours, writing about Shaun Alexander. He is awful. We all know it. 2005 was a great year, but a lot of that credit goes to the O-Line, possibly the best ever. Now Walt is old, and Hutch is making another running back very very happy - Adrian Peterson. Alexander is a waste of time, money, and space, and I am done with him. I hope he builds a tree house in that dick tree we talked about earlier, and leaves all of us alone.
Basketball-
What can I say. The Celts have our best player from last year, and he is the third best player on their team. I hope everybody watched the Celtics play on Friday night, because they are for real. KG is great. We already knew that, but now that he is in a great sports city, with great players, he is on another level. As for us, we have been pretty exciting. "Wonderboy" Durant has been totally amazing, and "Young Nasty Man" Green has been pretty good too. But that's not the point. Clay Bennett officially filed his relocation papers on Friday, and made it public (as if we didn't already know) that he plans on moving the team to Oklahoma City. David Stern said we "have no heart" as a basketball city. I'll have a blog dedicated to this whole cluster in couple of days, as for now, it's pretty fair to say that we are more miserable than any other basketball city in the country. Save our Sonics. Advantage no one.
So, like I said, I am the homeless guy in the rain, and Boston is sipping champagne in the penthouse sweet with it's hot girlfriend. Are we doomed to a life of Richard's Wild Irish Rose and masturbating in a card board box, thinking about Super Bowl rings and World Series'? None of my favorite pro teams have won a championship in my lifetime. To make matters worse, the only titles we have in the past 30 years are bunch of Sounders A-League Championships, and the Storm. That's not a consolation, it's paint balls filled with salt, being shot at our already painful wounds. Cleveland feels our pain, so does Philadelphia. Come on Boston, don't be a dick, spare some change.
Baseball-
Although I am pretty happy with the off season coaching additions that the M's have made so far, Larry Bowa, Mel Stoudelmire, etc., Boston is coming off of it's second world series in four years. No more complaining about the "curse". Let's talk about our curse, the curse of existing. We are one of four teams that have never played in the world series, along with Tampa Bay, Milwaukee, and Washington. We've only been around for 32 years, and I know 32 is less than 86, but never is more than 86. We have 1995 and 2001 and that's it. Baseball misery: advantage Seattle.
Pro Football-
The Patriots are the best team in football, possibly the best team ever assembled, they might go undefeated, they have the coolest receiver, the best looking and most bad ass QB, and a coach that has a taste for blood. We are pretty mediocre. We kicked 6 field goals against St. Louis, who is the worst team in football. We have a bunch of number 2 receivers, a bald quarter back, a running back that...isn't good*, and a coach that has a taste for donuts. Just as in baseball, our city has zero championships in this sport. Football misery: advantage Seattle.
*I am no longer going to spend my time, or yours, writing about Shaun Alexander. He is awful. We all know it. 2005 was a great year, but a lot of that credit goes to the O-Line, possibly the best ever. Now Walt is old, and Hutch is making another running back very very happy - Adrian Peterson. Alexander is a waste of time, money, and space, and I am done with him. I hope he builds a tree house in that dick tree we talked about earlier, and leaves all of us alone.
Basketball-
What can I say. The Celts have our best player from last year, and he is the third best player on their team. I hope everybody watched the Celtics play on Friday night, because they are for real. KG is great. We already knew that, but now that he is in a great sports city, with great players, he is on another level. As for us, we have been pretty exciting. "Wonderboy" Durant has been totally amazing, and "Young Nasty Man" Green has been pretty good too. But that's not the point. Clay Bennett officially filed his relocation papers on Friday, and made it public (as if we didn't already know) that he plans on moving the team to Oklahoma City. David Stern said we "have no heart" as a basketball city. I'll have a blog dedicated to this whole cluster in couple of days, as for now, it's pretty fair to say that we are more miserable than any other basketball city in the country. Save our Sonics. Advantage no one.
So, like I said, I am the homeless guy in the rain, and Boston is sipping champagne in the penthouse sweet with it's hot girlfriend. Are we doomed to a life of Richard's Wild Irish Rose and masturbating in a card board box, thinking about Super Bowl rings and World Series'? None of my favorite pro teams have won a championship in my lifetime. To make matters worse, the only titles we have in the past 30 years are bunch of Sounders A-League Championships, and the Storm. That's not a consolation, it's paint balls filled with salt, being shot at our already painful wounds. Cleveland feels our pain, so does Philadelphia. Come on Boston, don't be a dick, spare some change.
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