Playoff Surprises

So we are one day into the Major League Baseball playoffs, and there are a number of interesting story lines, and a few hilarious sub plots. And I have to say, as pessimistic as I was 24 hours ago about what these playoffs had in store, I am feeling the exact opposite tonight. First we'll discuss the best parts of each series, and get my ever accurate predictions.

Boston vs. The Los Angeles Angels of Disneyland-

Well, after game 1, the most interesting and fulfilling story line for me as a Mariners fan is that the Sox are gonna kick the crap out of the Angels. Nothing vindicates my hatred more than seeing our most bitter rival get blown out. The things that are going to captivate the sports world are as follows: Josh Beckett is really really good, David Ortiz took a page from Shaq's "Don't Try Until the Playoffs" book, and that while Mike Scioscia may look like Bobby Knight, he can't coach worth The General's spit. Add to that the fact that the top three coolest Dominican guys are in this series - Manny, Pappi, and Vlad - and you have a series worth paying attention to. Boston in three.

New York vs. Cleveland-

I am always interested in any series where Alex Rodriguez has a chance to further cement himself as the most un-clutch player of all time. If he chokes, the Yankees are dead in the water, and he is done as a Yankee. The real excitement though, will come from Cleveland's starting rotation, which I feel is the best in the playoffs. I'll take C.C. and Fausto over Wang and Pettite any day. Throw in a solid Jake Westbrook and a decent Paul Byrd, if it goes past game 3, and the Indians are looking pretty good. Mussina officially sucks, and Clemens is getting pretty close to joining him. And, did you know CC and Fausto went a combined 8-0 with an ERA of 2.08 in September. Conversely, the Yankees beat the Indians all six times they played this season. Go figure. A-Rod will have a monster series, but Cleveland in four.

Arizona vs. Chicago-

I have a really hard time watching this series without overheating with anger due to the fact that both of the managers used to be ours, but when I get past that, this is a great series. The things that have me most excited to watch this series, are the same things that had me excited to watch the Cubs all year, Carlos Zambrano's arm, and Carlos Zambrano's bat. I love watching this guy pitch. He over powers guys with his fastball, then makes them look very very silly with his nasty curve, all the while wearing his hat tilted slightly to the east. If that weren't enough, he batted higher than any other pitcher in baseball this year (.249, 45 points higher than Richie Sexson), and has the ability to go yard big time (12 career home runs, twice as many as Willie Bloomquist). But Zambrano isn't the only reason I love this series. The Diamond Backs are by far the youngest team in the playoffs. Guys like Chris Young, and Brandon Webb are the future of baseball, and this our first chance to see them on a national level. After game 1 though, I am a bit disappointed. The Cubs lost, and although Big Z did have a double, he looked like mid season Z, not late season Z, which is too bad. On the plus side, this means we get to see him in game five. Plus, as long as they're not playing the Mariners, I will never root against any Lou Piniella managed team. Oh yeah, Cubs in five.

Colorado vs. Philadelphia-

This is my favorite first round series by far. The way both of these teams played down the stretch to even get to the playoffs is what baseball is all about. The Phills running down the Mets in the most absurd collapse in baseball history. The Rockies not only winning 12 of their last 13, but also coming from two runs down in the bottom of the 13th in the one game playoff. Crazy!! The only bad part about this series is that one of these two teams dream season run has to come to an end. Also, I love both of these managers. Remember back in the first or second week of the season when Charlie Manual flipped out and started yelling at reporters? That was hilarious. Plus, the Rockies manager's name is Clint Hurdle. Can you think of a better name for a Colorado manager? I can't. Clint, it just makes sense. Rockies in five.

Hilarious Observations:

-The funniest thing that I have noticed so far is that Tony Clark still plays professional baseball. Remember Tony the Tiger? That guy was really good...in 1997. I didn't know he still played, let alone started. And for the youngest team by average in the playoffs too. If he wasn't on the roster, I think the average age of the D-Backs would be 16.

-The NHL season started today. Canada is happy.

-TBS is trying way too hard to secure it's place as a serious sports station. They have so many poorly informed formulas for attempting to relate to the sports world. First, we love Ernie Johnson for one reason and one reason only, because Charles Barkley tells him that he is gonna "slap the hell out of him" all the time. You can't just throw Cal Ripken and Frank Thomas on screen with him and assume we'll take to that the same way we do to Charles and Kenny. It's not that easy. Second, we like stand up comics, but don't over do it. Every other commercial was for the new Frank Caliendo show. I love Caliendo, he is hilarious. But I don't need to see all of his impressions every time somebody strikes out. Talk about blowing your load. After all of those adds, what are they gonna show on the show? Baseball? This next rant requires it's own paragraph.

Third, I said we like stand up comics. Dane Cook does not meet that standard. He is not comical. But that isn't what pisses me off about those commercials. What really makes me mad is that TBS or Dane Cook or somebody assumes that we need to be convinced of how great the baseball playoffs are. That fuck bag Dane Cook and his smug cock loving smile are not doing anything to remind me of how much I love October. And I thank the baseball gods and all that is holy in Cooperstown, that the Mariners didn't make the playoffs and we were forced to watch Dane Cook tell us why we should love our team or our sport. Look at this clip about the Cubs, http://youtube.com/watch?v=6udu1QFeCwQ. If I were a Cubs fan, I would be enroute to the Cook residence with a bunch of duck tape and a mini bat.

Listen here Dane Cook. FUCK YOU!! I don't care if you had sex with Jessica Simpson or if you like to eat cashew nuts off of your own dick, or what ever. You need to stop making these commercials. You are an insult to baseball, and sports in general. You are not funny. And there is not only one October. It happens every fucking year. There have been millions of Octobers. How can you say that the Cubs have lost for 99 straight years, and then say there is only one October? That doesn't make sense Dane. It is always October for Dane Cook, because October rhymes with Cocktober, and Dane Cook loves Cock. Fuck you Dane Cook, fuck you.

Lastly, here is a new feature I plan on having every day of the baseball playoffs. The ex-Mariner Box Score. We will track how our ex-players are playing this October.

Yorvit Torrealba- 2-4, RBI
Brian Fuentes- 1 IP, 1 K, and it was a really important strike out too.
David Ortiz- 2-3, HR, 2 RBI, R, BB
Jason Veritek- 1-3


And remember, this is just one of many Octobers. Fortunately for the Mariners, there will be others. Fuck Dane Cook.