The NASCAR Evolution

Have you ever gone into a situation with a very strict set of expectations, only to be so blown away by how wrong you were that you could hardly believe you ever felt the way you had in the first place? For example: your girlfriend is taking you to Thanksgiving to meet her family for the first time, and she warns you that her dad is a member of the NRA and her brothers are "protective", but by the end of dinner you're giving Fantasy Football advise and her dad is calling you "son". Well, that is exactly what happened to me today...so to speak. KJR had a live broadcast from the Skagit Motor Speedway today, little did I know I was in for the experience of a life time. Here is the story of how I transformed from a bonafide NASCAR hater to a member of the Number Nine Nation.

In order to understand how little I cared about NASCAR, here is a scale of interest by which to measure my apathy. I present the "Andy Bunker Scale of Intrigue". (10 being the best)

1- How many carbs are in this sandwich?
2- Are Brad and Angelina adopting again?
3- Did the Storm win?
4- Is this my drink?
5- How am I getting home?
6- Ben Steitzer getting his drivers licence
7- Barack or Hilary
8- Is Sportscenter on?
9- Friends/Family
10- Mariners in the World Series

NASCAR fell somewhere in between Brangelina and the Storm. I didn't hate it, I simply didn't care. I was amused by the side stories: Dale Jr. and his crazy step mom, every one hating Jeff Gordon, the wife on wife fist fight that broke out during a race between two drivers wives, etc. But as far as the sport itself, I'd rather have gone shopping with my girlfriend. My NASCAR interest level was firmly set at 2.5: Indifferent Non-observer.

In order to get to the Skagit Motor Speedway, you have to drive for nearly two hours north of Seattle on I-5. The outlook of the trip was pretty bright, due to the fact that we were driving up with the radio host (Ian Furness) and the Mariners game was on the radio. But an hour into the trip, the M's were down 3-1 and the mood was very sour at the prospect of being swept by the Angels at home, in the biggest series we've had in 5 years. It seemed that nothing was going to be able to pull us out of the funk that the Mariners had dropped on us. It was like a reverse "Funk Blast". Just then, a pickup truck, that was raised about three feet higher than normal, whizzed past us as the driver honked and pumped his fist. On the rear window was a Number Nine sticker (Kasey Kahne's car number) and a sign that read, "Show me your tits!" Before we were done laughing at the guy, another truck passed us, the driver looked like a carbon copy of the first, giving us a thumbs up and sporting a "TAILGATER'S BEWARE: Driver Chews Tobacco" bumper sticker. By the time we passed Everett, it was an all out drag race. Trucks left and right covered in NASCAR gear, and not so clever bumper stickers. It was clear that we were not the only ones headed to the SMSW. Based mainly on the bumper stickers my NASCAR interest level had risen ever so slightly to a 3.3: Sarcastic enthusiasm.

After an hour and forty-five minutes of driving, the M's were down 5-2 and we had reached our exit. The only sign of life off of the exit was the Skagit Valley Gas Station and a sign that read, "Skagit Motor Speedway: 2 miles". We followed the Mapquest directions along a windy road, deep into the hills of Skagit county, and just as we were beginning to wonder if we were lost we came upon a sight that I can only describe as an oasis. Just as you crest the hill, the trees break and the vast opening gives way to trailers and trucks and RVs as far as the eye can see. Full family sized campers covered in orange and black Tony Stewart logos. Peoples' cars painted and stickered to look just like Kasey Kahne's number 9 car. And more unbelievable bumper stickers than I could ever imagine. For the first time in my life I knew why John Melencamp wrote "This is Our Country". NASCAR interest level, 4.2: Skeptical Amazement.

We set up our broadcast tent behind the main grandstand. As I was pulling the tent out, getting ready to raise it to an upright position, a twangy voice shouted into my ear, "How big is that thing?" Before I could turn around to greet the shouting man, another voice chimed in with his estimation, "I bet that thing is a 10, maybe a 20...dang, I never seen a 20 before." I quickly realized they were discussing the size of our tent, and being that I am very familiar with it, I responded, "It is 10 by 15." This was earth shattering news to Jim and George, two brothers from Mt. Vernon. "I didn't know they was making 15's," Jim marveled. "We need to get us one of them. Is it sturdy?" Not five minutes into my stay at the SMSW, and I was facilitating an full on tent forum. "Yeah, it's pretty nice. This one is couple of years old, but it still works well." I couldn't tell if they were amazed by the fact that it had held up for so long, or that 15's had been out for two full years and they hadn't heard, but they were both shocked. "We got to get us one of them," George giddily chuckled, breaking the silence, and they were off to find seats. Welcome to the Skagit Motor Speedway. NASCAR interest level, still 4.2. Tent interest level, 10.

Over the past three years of working for KJR, I have become a master at creating games to pass the time while the radio host is on the air, and I have next to nothing to do. The game I came up with today was my finest ever. From our position behind the grandstand we were in direct sight of the front gates, and the line to get in had become something of a swarming heard of tank tops and jean shorts. In order to get into the seating area, everyone had to pass directly in front of our table, perfect promotional positioning, but also perfect positioning for people watching. The game was Mullets vs. Fu Man Chews. I had mullets, Brad the intern had Man Chews, we kept a running count of each, and the winner got a Coke. When Ian Furness got wind of the contest, he took it to the air waves. Giving updates at the top and bottom of every hour. Listeners were calling in asking what the count was. One guy showed up at the SMSW and told us that he and his dad were driving, and nearly drove off the road with laughter when they heard what we were counting. The final count was ,





46 mullets,









and 62 Fu Man Chews,












Brad won the Coke. But in the long run, everyone was a winner. NASCAR interest level, 5.5: Blossoming Wonder.

As the afternoon wore on, we had the chance to talk to a number different people about why they like racing so much. And to be honest the enthusiasm that these fans were showing was a lot more intense than anything I've ever seen at Safeco. There was a line as long as a football field outside of Kasey Kahne's trailer for autographs. And the gear these fans were sporting was out of this world.

Tony Stewart's number 20 car, doubling as a hilarious hat.














Number 20 ear muffs. Tony Stewart protects people from premature deafness.










NASCAR interest level, 6.5: Genuine Excitement.

At this point the broadcast was nearly over, but the mullet and fu man chew counting was no longer the only thing that was making the time pass. I could feel the buzz, and I was honestly excited for the races to get going. The Mariners had officially been swept, but I didn't care. I wanted to see Tony Stewart and Kasey Kahne race. My interest was teetering on the fence that separates what I had always believed, and a world which I was totally unfamiliar with. And when the drivers started the engines, and I felt the earth rumble, I fell off the fence and landed firmly on the NASCAR side. The deal had been sealed. I was a NASCAR fan. NASCAR interest level, 7.5: I care.

On the drive back to Seattle I came back to earth a little bit. The anger of the Mariners sweep began to sink in a little more, but the overwhelming feeling of the day was still utter amazement that I had fallen for NASCAR. I feel like I hooked up with a girl that I never found attractive, but now all I can think about is whether or not she'll call. We'll see what happens from here. I know that I'll be watching when Tony Stewart tries to catch that bastard Jeff Gordon this weekend at the NNCS at the California Speedway. From there we'll see, maybe I'll have to revise the "Scale of Intrigue" to accommodate a new priority.

Losers of the Week

I'm a little disappointed that no one has taken any shots at me for some of the predictions I made. I thought at least a couple of you guys might have taken some sort of issue with a few of the things that I said. But, I guess not. I guess we all agree that the Hawks are Super Bowl bound. And that the Mariners are a lock to hold off the Yankees. I thought you all were a little more opinionated than this, but I was wrong about that, which is apparently the only thing I've been wrong about all week. Aside from your silence, we have had a pretty eventful week. And as always, we've had our fair share of heroes, and an even greater number of losers.


Losers of the Week

Tiger Woods and Roger Federer-
These two guys have been suspect for a while now. Showing up at each others tournaments, doing interviews as a duo, and talking longingly about how much respect they have for one another. On the surface, these things could appear to be mere admiration shown by a couple of guys who are experiencing similar success. And until yesterday, that is how I chose to justify their overly friendly behavior. Then I saw the new Gilette commercial. I'm not sure if anyone else has seen it, but to summarize it's basically Tiger and Roger, shaving and shirtless, staring intensely into the camera for 30 seconds. Pretty bad. But the deal breaker comes at the end when Federer playfully pinches Tiger's cheek, and Tiger bashfully grins and giggles to himself. Enough!! The two most dominant athletes in the world right now have a schoolyard crush on each other. I'd be a little worried if I were Elin.

Rory Sabbatini-
Once again, Rory decided he'd rather choke than sack up and win a tournament. Only this time he did with out shriveling in fear of Tiger He shriveled in fear of Steve Stricker instead. Steve Stricker? Yep, the 44 year old who hadn't won a tourney since 2001. Rory seems to find new ways to fail also. This week he bogeyed three of the first four holes on the back nine, affectively killing any chance he had, all while wearing pants that were three sizes too small. He is dangerously close to joining Phil and Sergio on the "All Choke Team".


Heroes of the Week

Texas Rangers-
Scoring 30 runs in one nine inning baseball game is pretty amazing, but to put it into perspective here are some numbers.
-Before winning the game 30-3, they were actually losing 3-0 in the bottom of the third.
-They scored 30 runs in the game, but they only actually scored in four innings: 5 in the fifth, 10 in the seventh, 9 in the eighth, and 6 in the ninth.
-In the eight games prior to the 30 run game, they only scored 28 runs combined.
-In the game they beat the Baltimore Orioles. The Baltimore Ravens (NFL Team) didn't score 30 points in any game last season.
-The 30 run game was game one of a double header that day. They scored 9 in game two, totaling 39 runs for the day, breaking the previous one day scoring record by 10 runs.

Greg Nickles and the Seattle City Council-
In the wake of the comments from the new Sonics ownership, the city is taking steps to pass a law that will hold the team to their lease at the Key Arena. If the law passes the Sonics are guaranteed to be in Seattle until 2010. That should give Kevin Durant plenty of time convince a few Bellevue billionaires that a new arena is a good idea.

David Stern-
It doesn't matter now busy this guy gets, he will not miss the chance to make a buck. While he, and every PR person the NBA has ever heard of, is dealing with the Tim Donaghy fiasco, he still found the time to fine Aubrey McClendon $250K. The only negative I can possibly see coming out of this situation would be if McClendon decided to shut up. But I'm pretty sure he won't. In his crazy cowboy mind this is probably some sort of challenge. I wouldn't be surprised if he shows up at high noon with his six shooters, and tells David Stern it's time for a "showdown". This is what happens when you allow people to buy NBA franchises with gold that they hijacked from a moving train.

David Chernicoff-
Last week I wrote about Horacio Ramirez by using the mildly comical nickname, Horablio. While that name is pretty funny, David corrected me. We will no longer refer to him as either Horacio or Horablio, from now on it is Fallacio. Get it, because he sucks. Fallacio Ramirez. Excellent work Chern. You are my hero. Maybe we should shave with Gilette razors and pinch each others cheeks.

Predicaments and Predictions

As the summer sadly slips away, we need to remember that with fall comes a great time of the year for sports. Pennant races and baseball playoffs, college and pro football, I make another run at fantasy football dominance, the FedEx Cup in golf giving us another month and a half of meaningful Tiger watching, EPL soccer is back after a long summer, Team USA Basketball tries to prove it is worthy of the Olympics, and above all Franklin Boys Golf makes another run at a state championship...or at least a run at two wins. With all this fun on the horizon, what kind of sports buff would I be if I didn't attempt to tell you exactly how all of these events will turn out.

But before I get into profit mode, I have to set aside all of my loyalties and home town biases to make a fair and accurate attempt at predicting the entire Autumn in sports. Here are the main predicaments that I face:

1. Last night, as I was flipping through my collection of VHS tapes trying to find a way to spend a quiet night at home, I stumbled accross my copy of the tape "My Oh My!" The movie that tells the story of the 1995 Seattle Mariners. Let's just say it was a quiet night ruined. All the jaded skepticism that has built up over the past 15 years of being a Seattle Sports fan, was magically washed away. I felt like Will Smith came to my house in a black suit and erased all my Mariner memories with that flashy thing from "Men in Black." Before I was ten minutes into the tape, I had risen from my reclined position on my couch, and I was standing in the middle of my living room with my mit and a tennis ball playing catch against my wall, yelling "Refuse to Lose" with a rally cap on. Before the movie was over, I was already convincing myself that this years team has all the makings for a 95'esque run. So, there's my predicament. "My Oh My" has convinced me that anything is possible, and overcoming this will be a challenge when attempting to accurately predict the pennant race.

2. I listened to Elise Woodward's interview with Dick Beard on Monday night, and he convinced me that this years Huskie team, "has a lot of spunk." I don't know if you've heard Dick Beard on the air before, but I am pretty sure that his prediction record is the exact same as the Huskies record for the past 10 seasons. He never thinks they can lose. And he is always convincing. They could be playing the '77 Dolphins and he'd give some crazy reason why ,"you shouldn't count them out." Thanks to Dick Beard I am a believer.

3. I am a lot busier than I have been for the past couple of falls, so my Fantasy Football prowise maybe coming to an end. It is widely known that in order to win any fantasy football league worth its entry fee, you have to be willing to effectively shut off your social life as you know it for three months. Nobody wins a good league simpy by having a good draft, or a good pick up or two. You have to dedicate yourself to the fact that you are the biggest stats nerd in the league, and further more you have to accept that you will not be getting laid at all until the season is over. Knowing that Donald Driver has been in the top three in recieving yards in each of the past three seasons, or that Ladell Betts was in the top 10 in rushing yard last season in only nine starts, has never gotten any body laid, ever. Many a man has had to face the fact that if they want to win their league, it maybe at the expense of their relationship. I don't think I'm ready for that.

4. Franklin Boys Golf. That's the predicament. Franklin Boys Golf. In a conversation I had the other day with one of my three returning Varsity Starters, who goes to U Prep and plays for us via a weird Kingco zoning rule by the way, we realized that there are actually only two "good" golfers at Franklin. He said, "I'm good, but I go to U Prep. Aside from Edgar and Brandon, Franklin has zero goflers." So there's the problem. No need to delve any deeper. This predicament, while hurting the team, may actually help my prediction. Sad.

With all that out in the open, here are the Fall Predictions.

The Pennant Race and the Baseball Playoffs-

While I was deeply inspired by my recent viewing of "My Oh My", it is important to note some of the main differences between the '95 team and this Mariners team. Namely: Ken Griffey Jr., Edgar Martinez, Tino Martinez, Jay Buhner and Randy Johnson. But before I fall into the trap that every Seattle fan seems to fall into, you gotta to remember that the '95 team has no bearing on this years team. We don't have any of those guys anymore, nor do have to play against them, so let's stop talking about them. That said, I think we have a shot at both the division and the wild card. Here's why. Our fate is in our own hands, and so far this year we've taken advantage of that. We took two of three from the Angels last month, and we've taken four out of seven from the Yankees this year. With seven remaining games versus the Angels, three here and four there, and a huge three game series at the beginning of September in the Bronx, it's up to us to make it happen. Plus 14 of our final 21 games are at home where we are 17 games over .500, including the final seven. And we have a combined winning record against the final five teams we play. The prediction is as follows: The Angels will win the West, the Indians will win the Central, The Red Sox will win the East, and the M's will make the Wild Card.

Huskies Football-

The Dawgs are facing the hardest opening seven games in recent history. And even Dick Beard can't argue against that. It is totally possible that they could start the year 0-7, but they won't. You can't underestimate the difficulty of traveling 3000 miles to play your first game of the season. Not to mention that Syracuse has a senior Quarterback, and it's leading receiver and rusher back from last season. This game is gonna be tough. I think it will be very telling of the season as a whole. We will find out a lot about the team in this game. What do I think will happen? I think they're gonna win. I think they'll win five games this year (Syracuse, Arizona St., Arizona, Stanford, and Wazzu). Call me a pessimist, but it's a tough schedule. Six ranked teams, and eight teams that could be ranked by the end of the year. We'll be solid next year though. Sorry Dick.

Seahawks Football-

I think that getting rid of Darrel Jackson and Jeremy "How dumb are you" Stevens will be the best thing this team has done since letting Jerry Rice wear #80. Shaun Alexander has something to prove, Deion Branch will be used correctly, DJ Hackett is going to be a nice surprise and make a lot of fantasy owners very happy, and as long as the O line stays healthy, this could be our year. The O line is a big "if" though. With last years team being a veritable game of injured musical chairs, health will be the deal breaker this season. In a season where we had at least two different players start at 10 of the 11 offensive positions, and we were still one play away from the NFC Championship game, there is no reason we can't be back in the Super Bowl this year. And we will be. Here's the prediction. This is our year. Quote me, "the Seahawks will win Super Bowl 42." By the way, I have no idea who Randy Moss is, or who he plays for, so don't ask.

Fantasy Football-

This is easy. Since I got kicked out of the league I won last year, due to thorough dominance and unyielding amounts of trash talk, I've been forced to start my own league. And since it's so late in the summer, the only people who aren't in a hundred leagues already are my friends who have never played before. My prediction: in week five I'll convince Ben Steitzer to trade me Peyton Manning for a three packs of Gushers and a graphic novel, and I'll win the league by five hundred points.

FedEx Cup-

Tiger will skip the first leg of the Cup, because he can, and still win the thing by an overwhelming amount of points. Comparing Tiger to the rest of the field isn't even fun anymore. The only way to appreciate Tiger these days is to look at his ungodly stats, and just laugh. Did you know he has come in first, second or third in 48% of all the tournaments he has ever entered. The second best percentage is Jack Nicklaus at 28%. That is a joke. If Tiger's in it and matters, he's probably gonna win. FedEx Cup number one goes to Tiger.

USA Basketball-

Well, in the two games I've watched one thing has become pretty clear, Mike Krysewski looks like an angry aardvark. The fact that they have two dominating players at every position, makes this a cake walk. Plus they designed this team as just that, a team. Actual point guards and shooters and rebounders and shot blockers. Sprinkle in Kobe, Bron Bron and Melo, and you have a delicious recipe. It's called "Victory" and it smells like the Olympics.

Fraklin Golf-

Now to the most important prediction. Let me first say that all that shit I was talking last year about Coach of the Year, will never happen in a million years. I'm not saying I didn't deserve it, especially for the girls, because I did. But I found out a lot about Kingco golf last night at our annual coaches meeting. The first thing I found out is that all the other coaches, except me and the Garfield coach, are pals. They go to each others birthday parties, they go golfing and camping and they all hang out. It's like third grade, and I'm the kid who eats his boogers. In fact, more than half of them didn't even remember that I coached last year. And most of them saw me in the Spring with the girls team. I'm not saying that I'm the most memorable guy in the world, but how can you forget the one coach who isn't 45 years old, with a beer belly and a genuine hatred for life. I stand out. But not only did they not remember who I was, they took shots at me. One coach said, "I think every body is here, let's get started. Except for Franklin...of course." Hey asshole, I'm right here, in a damn Franklin T-shirt. All I could muster as a come back was, "you don't remember me, I'm the young good looking coach." That warranted a few muffled giggles from the crowd. The point is that if they don't remember me, the chances that I will win an award are pretty slim. Oh well, at least I'm not middle aged with a failing marriage, that is award enough for me. As for the prediction. Zero wins. My best golfer graduated. My new best golfer has a classic case of Quakeritis: who cares if I flunk, I wear Jordans and Dunks. My favorite golfer, and second best player, moved to Kent. And the only other kid who is any good is a U Prep kid who listens to The Fray. It's looking like a long season. Let's just hope we get a funny quote or two, and another hilarious crack head fight.

That is the Fall Prediction Edition of Road to the BigTime. If any of what I say turns out to be right, I'll be as surprised as the rest of you.

Losers of the Week

This has been a great week. The M's are hot. Pre-season football is in full swing. The Sounders are in the quarter finals of the US Open Cup. And, like every week, we were graced by a few heroes, and enraged by a few douche bags.

Douche Bags of the Week

Aubrey McClendon-
One of the many minority owners of the Sonics, was nice enough this week to tell us exactly what we already knew. That Clay Bennett (Ass Pickles) bought the team with every intention of moving them to Oklahoma City. He said Bennett didn't even care if he lost money in moving the team, which he obviously would, all they want to do is "break even." I have a few thoughts on this guy. First, you have to be really dumb to say something like this when everybody knows that David Stern's number one priority is making money. Admitting that you are willing and eager to do something that is going to cost the league money is a pretty bad move. For an ignorant red neck moron from Oklahoma, he isn't very familiar with his Jewish stereotypes. Let's put what he did into terms he can understand. Are you listening Aubrey: Telling your Jewish boss that you want to make a move that is going to cost his company money is like telling Jeff Foxworthy you want to cut off his mustache. It's not what he wants to hear. Second, I can't wait for McClendon to get tired of being called a "minority owner". The chance that some one might mistake him for a black guy is definitely keeping him up at night. In his next dumb ass statement I bet he refers to himself as the "partial owner". Or "the very very caucasian gentleman, who is one of many very very caucasian gentlemen, who all own part of the Sonics". Either way, he's not calling himself a minority for much longer.

The Bouncers at Heavens-
Bouncers, by nature, are shall we say...a bit unreasonable. But the guys working the door at Heavens Saturday night were down right ridiculous. They tried to make us pay $10 to get in, when there were flyers saying it was free before 11. Plus, we were with D Chern, who's brother was promoting the club that night. All around poor move by them. We took our business else where, opting out of the Pioneer Square scene, back to a house party in the U District. It was great for us in the long run because instead of dropping upwards of $40 each to get drunk at Heaven, we got housed for free in the U. Nice move bouncers, turning away 10 eager drunks is basically like losing $500. McClendon and the Heavens bouncers are starting an accounting firm called "No Cents".

Horablio Ramirez-
With an away ERA of over 10, and a road record of 1-4, Horablio is one bad start away from Triple A. We traded a solid, proven right handed long reliever with 95 MPH gas for this guy. Then, we spent this whole year looking for a good, proven right handed long reliever, while at the same time trying to figure out why Horablio is trash on the road. Nice move Bavasi. BUT, I just turned on the TV and we are up 9-2 in the 8th. Remember when I hated on Jeff Weaver for five straight weeks on DBOTW, then he turned into a decent pitcher after that. Maybe I have a reverse curse on M's pitchers. In that case, our whole staff is a bunch of low lifes who have zero chance of getting us to the playoffs, much less to the World Series. We should just quit right now. I hope that works.


Heroes of the Week-

Lee Elder-
One of golfs greatest pioneers. Lee Elder is basically the Jackie Robinson of professional golf. He was the first black golfer to play in the Masters in 1975, and is in the PGA hall of fame. I had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Elder at the Rumble at the Ridge golf tourney this morning. This was honestly one of the coolest and unexpected meeting of my life. I have been lucky enough to meet quite a few of my heroes over the past couple of years at KJR, but this guy takes the cake.
Beside the fact that he is on par with Tiger Woods in terms of what he has meant to racial equality in golf, he was the nicest guy I've ever met. My job at the Tourney was to hang out by our broadcast tent and grab Seahawks and NFL alumni. (Warren Moon, Steve Largent and Dave Craig to name a few) I had a list of guys that Softy wanted to talk to, and I grabbed them as they went through. At 12:45, with 15 minutes left on the show, the tournament director walked up to me and asked if we wanted to talk to Lee Elder before we left, and I just looked at him and laughed like, "yeah, bring over Tiger too." But he was serious, and I quickly said that we did want to talk to him. Three minutes later a golf cart pulled up, and a short old black guy, that sort of looked like Danny Glover from "Royal Tennenbaums" jumped out. "I ain't doin' no radio interview. I don't care who they say they are," he barked to my astonishment. About six million things went through my mind, before I timidly said, "Please?!?" He just looked at me for like five seconds before doubling over with laughter. To say that Lee Elder got me pretty good would be like saying that Tiger Woods is a pretty good golfer. As I settled into the realization that I had just been thoroughly clowned by a 65 year old civil rights pioneer, he grabbed me by the shoulders and gave me a big bear hug. "You thought you were in trouble," he laughed. "You thought you were fired." He was right. One of the six million thoughts was, "oh fuck, I just pissed off a golf legend, I need to find a new job." Visions of Happy Gilmour scaring Chubs out of the window with the gator head came to mind, and I saw Lee Travino. And he was not happy. When he stopped hugging me, he stepped into the tent and proceeded to give the best interview of the day. As he was on air, it started raining like a monsoon, and after his interview he stayed dry with us in the tent for about five minutes. Talking to him was amazing. Softy meets hundreds of athletes and famous people every year, but to watch him stand there and marvel at the presence of Lee Elder, it was like he was a kid. Men like Mr. Elder are few and far between, and I have to say that it was the honor of my life to meet him.


The Guy who called Shawn Kemp's High School Games-
This is an important Youtube clip for any Sonics fan to watch. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g36vjEI9cYg. GP and Kemp at there best. But watch and listen very closely. 41 seconds into the clip the guy who called Kemp's high school games reacts to a Kemp dunk by telling us that Kemp "wears size 16 shoes and has a 42 inch" what? I don't know what he says. It sounds like he says " a 42 inch Leroy." Which is in my opinion a great name for Kemp's piece. Size 16 shoes and a 42 inch Leroy. That explains the 20 kids. This is officially my favorite Youtube clip ever, and by far the best term I've ever coined for the unit. Manny's got 24. Kemp's got 42. Holler at your Leroy.

Up Yours Billy Crystal

Summer 1993. There was a little white kid in Spokane, sitting so close to his grandparents TV that if his hat weren't already turned around backwards, it's bill would be pressed firmly against the screen. The direction of his hat had little to do with his proximity to the television, but everything to do with who was on TV. As he sat there watching his hero launch ball after ball onto Eutaw Street at the brand new Camden Yards in Baltimore, all he could dream about was being there. And then - when Junior belted one so far that it cleared everything and hit 10 feet up on the Baltimore-Camden Train Station, with its brown bricks, reeking of baseball and a time long past - he fell in love.

Take that Billy Crystal. You aren't the only one who can wax poetic bull shit about falling for baseball. I don't know if any of you have seen the movie he made, "61", but that's all it was. Long, sappy monologues about how he wants to have sex with baseball. I'm never gonna fully turn my back on the guy, "City Slickers" is a classic, and his portrayal of Miracle Max in "The Princess Bride" is one of my all time favorite characters. But if I have to listen to him recite another one of his flowery baseball poems over footage of the Mets World Series run this fall, I may shoot myself.

Wow. What a tangent. Let's get back on track.

As I'm sure you guessed, that little white kid in Spokane was me. (If Griffey could have collected royalties on the number of white kids wearing Mariners hats backwards from 1993-2000, he'd own the western hemisphere.) The reason I am reliving my viewing of the 1993 All-Star game is because last week I got to fulfill a dream I've had since that game, 14 years ago. I got to visit Camden Yards. I got to see Eutaw Street. And most importantly, I got to see the plaque they put on the train station in the exact spot were Griffey's home run struck the wall.

For a baseball fan such as myself, obsessed with the game since a very young age, there are a list of dreams that you need to live out in order to fulfill your baseball fantasy to the fullest. Places you need to see, cathedrals of the game. Events you need to witness. Players who you have to see in person to actually grasp how great they are. A list of dreams you check off one by one, until you are satisfied with your baseball journey. I've been lucky enough to check off a couple of mine so far, (Saw an M's playoff game in person. Saw Griffey, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, and a number of other greats of my generation in person. Set foot on Safeco Field. Met Ken Griffey Jr. Saw Lou Piniella get tossed from a game. Watched a great brawl in person. Took my Dad to game on Fathers Day, to pay him back for all the games he took me to.) and on my trip to Camden I was able to check off a couple more.

My Current Top 5 dreams are as follows:
1.) See the Mariners win a World Series.
2.) See Stadiums: Yankee Stadium, Fenway, Wrigley, Camden Yards, Dodger Stadium, and Busch Stadium.
3.) Visit the Hall of Fame.
4.) Take a baseball road trip.
5.) Catch a home run ball, and throw it back.

Further on down the list I have a number of baseball specific events that I think every baseball fanatic should see, including a Wrigley Field 7th Inning Stretch, a bases loaded intentional walk, an 18 inning game that starts on Wednesday and ends on Thursday, a suicide squeeze, and a rain delay. How ironic that I have lived my entire life in Seattle and gone to hundreds of baseball games, and I had to go all the way to Baltimore to see my first rain delay. I honestly think I was the only person in the stadium happy to see the grounds crew pulling out the tarp. I was actually cheering the rain. I may need professional help.

But that is what it is like for fans like me. We live to see these things that for years and years we've only dreamt about, or seen on TV. Walking into Camden Yards I was 9 years old again. And ideally when you finally get to act out one of your baseball dreams, you are with the right people. Luckily I was. I went to the game with Sam Gelinas, a life long friend, who's love for baseball is costing him $29.95 a month to watch the M's play on the internet. And Annasara Purcell, who if I have anything to say about it will have her own list of baseball dreams soon. As my good friend Juventude the Profit once wrote, "money ain't shit, if you don't have the right people to spend it with." The same is true of baseball. Billy Crystal just came.

Barry Bonds

Baseball has always had a very interesting way of reflecting, if not predicting, what is happening in America. From the mafia fixed world series of 1919, to Jackie Robinson spearheading the Civil Rights movement, baseball has continued to be a perfect microcosm of American life. Whether it is art imitating life, or vice versa, baseball is America. Which is why I find it so hilarious that any one would either argue against, or be surprised by, Barry Bonds cheating. Baseball is America. Barry Bonds is America.

Let me take a step back and explain. In 1919 when the Chicago Black Sox fixed the world series, they were merely a product of their place in history. It was Chicago during prohibition. Organized crime was everywhere. The thought that crime wouldn’t find its way into sports was ridiculous. Similarly, cocaine in the 1980’s, and yes, steroids in the 1990’s and 2000’s.

My argument is not that baseball reflects only the negative aspects of America. I didn’t say baseball is drugs, or gambling, or cheating. I said baseball is America. Ted Williams might have had 4,000 hits and 700 home runs, but he missed 4 years of his prime due to a tour of duty in World War II. He got drafted, just like thousands of other Americans, and when he was done fighting, he came home and went back to work.

In 1947, seven years before Brown vs. The Board of Education, and nearly twenty years before schools were actually desegregated, Jackie Robinson became the first black player in the Major Leagues. Opening the door for players like Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, and yes, Barry Bonds. Branch Rickie and the Brooklyn Dodgers were years ahead of the civil rights curve.

Baseball has always been a reflection of our idea of the “American Dream”: That through hard work, courage and determination one could achieve prosperity. There is no better example of this than Hank Aaron. He came to work every day, and worked hard. He wasn’t as gifted as Willie Mays, or as powerful as Babe Ruth, but by being steady and consistent he become the all time home run leader. He did it the right way, and in his day and age, the American way.

But the American way has changed. That is what everyone, including baseball, needs to understand. Hard work, courage and determination will get you pretty far these days, but not to the top. Just look who’s on top, and you’ll understand. These are no longer the days of “mom and pop” corner stores, its Wal-Mart. It’s not gas stations, it’s Exxon. And Enron, and Microsoft, and Starbuck’s. Shit, Martha Stewart went to jail for illegal insider trading, and she’s the picture of American. Hard work, courage and determination gets you Ken Griffey Jr., Bonds is just keeping up with the times. In order to achieve the “American Dream” in 2007 you need hard work, determination, flexible morals, no courage, and the ability to lie to yourself like a drunk frat guy.

The fact is that baseball will always reflect America. And as we change, for better or worse, so will baseball. It’s actually pretty fitting that Barry Bonds is breaking the most hallowed record in all of sports at this point in history. The way most of us feel about Bonds is the way most of the rest of the world is starting to feel about us. As Walt Whitman once said, "I see great things in baseball. It's our game, the American game. It will repair our losses and be a blessing to us." Let's hope ol' Walt was right.

Losers of the Week

It has been over a week since my last post, and for that I am extremely sorry. I know how hard it is for all of you tredge through your day to day lives without the comic therapy of Road to the BigTime. I've been globe trotting. And as a easy as I thought it would be to take a couple of hours during my trip to write a blog or two, it has been anything but. And in a week where a so much has happened - Barry Bonds breaking the record, Tiger's 13th, David Beckham continuing to get paid to wear warm-ups and sign autographs, me going to Camden Yards - I have been completely MIA. With that said, I will make up for my week of absence with a couple of promises and "Douche Bags of the Week." First I promise that I have two seperate updates to come in the next few days dealing with some of the events of last week, one dedicated to Barry, one dedicated to my trip to Camden Yards. Secondly, the list:

Douche Bags of the Week-

Stephen Ames-
I guess you can't blame him. He only did what every one else who has ever been in his place has done. And he only did exactly what we all knew he would do. But still, a 76 on Sunday of a major. He was down by 2 going into the round, and he lost by 10. This is the same guy that questioned Tiger's ability to hit fairways a couple of years ago before a match play tournament, then got devoured by Tiger 9 and 8. That is one of those things that doesn't go away quickly, compound that with playing in the final round of a major with Tiger, and what do you get? A warm puddle of something.

Jeremy Schaap-
I'm not sure if anybody has seen these "special" stories that Jeremy Schaap (who was once called a spineless Jew snake by Bobby Fischer) has been doing every month or so on Sportscenter. I have been annoyed by this man and his pointless self important stories for years, but last nights "special" on a team of US mountain climbing spies took the entire cake and the ice creme too. What the hell is wrong with Jeremy Schaap? The entire story was more or less a conspiracy theory about how these US and Indian mountain climbers carried a bunch of plutonium to the top of a mountain to help power a machine that was used to spy on the Chinese. Described that way, it sounds amazing actually. But it wasn't. Jeremy Schaap managed to inject as much of his whiney, choir boy voice as possible. Used really lame camera shots of the White house or of the Capital building every time they made reference to the US government. And conducted totally useless interviews with 65 year old guys that blame all of their health problems on the plutonium. Maybe you guys are 65 and you have arthritis because you are old. Jeremy Shaap sucks.

Me-
For going 10 days with out an update. My appologies to Tam, I hope this gets you through your day. And to Jonah because I promised my Bonds thoughts 5 days ago, they're coming soon. They, and my description of my day at Camden Yards, will both be long and funny and above all, culturally relivant.


Heroes of the Week-

Boo Weekly-
He not only played really well in the PGA Championship, while smoking, chewing tabacco, speaking in only Southern slang, and while most likely hung over, he also had the kindness to rid us of Sergio on Sunday. He and Sergio aka "la excusa", played together on Saturday. It is the duty of the playing partner to record the score of the guy he is playing with on every hole. He put a 4 down for Sergio on hole 7, while in reality La Excusa got a 5. Sergio didn't notice, signed the card, and was DQed for signing an incorrect card. Sergio's response, "It just continues." Yes it does Sergio. And I hope it never stops.

Nina Lang-
I realize that this happened about a week and a half ago, but she needs to get some props for this. Any time some body who I am friends with meets one of my all time favorite athletes (Griffey, GP, Manny, Pappi, etc.) I will inevitably be pretty jealous. But Nina took it to another level. She ran into both Manny and Pappi at a club in Belltown, and she actually hung out with them twice. She drank merlot with Manny, and David Ortiz even asked if he could grab her butt. So, a big salute to Nina, her appreciation for good wine, and her butt.

Kevin Cremin-
Kevin is the dad of a friend of mine from high school, Colleen, and he is also the producer/engineer of the Mariners radio broadcast. I called him the day before I left for DC to see if I could get some tickets to the game in Baltimore, and he came through big time. Two free seats, 20 rows up, right behind home plate. $40 seats like it was nothing. Thanks Mr. Cremin.

Fever Pitch

Every time the Red Sox come to town I know three things for sure: Safeco will be sold out, Manny and Pappi will be spotted partying in Belltown, and I will be angry all weekend at the sight of thousands and thousands of Red Sox "fans".

Seeing as how 45,000+ saw the M's prove themselves worthy competition for the Red Sox once again last night (9-0 in our last nine home games vs. Boston), assuming that Safeco will be full again tonight is more than fair.

And Nina Lang's freshly squeezed ass can attest to the night life of Manny and Pappi. (She saw them in Belltown, partied with them, made friends, and then David Ortiz asked if he could feel her butt. She politely obliged, and the rest is history. She will undoubtedly be a "Hero of the Week," along with Manny and Pappi.)

With the first two things taken care of and out of the way, I can talk about the third thing that always happens when the Red Sox come to town, I enter full on hater mode. Let me first say that I don't hate the Red Sox. Two of my top 10 favorite baseball players of all time are on the current roster, and Boston is for all intensive purposes one of the best sports cities in the world. That being said, allow me to tell you who I do hate. I hate the thousands and thousands of 18-26 year old girls who come to Safeco six times per year, every time Boston is in town, and I hate their chin-strap sporting, Puka shell wearing boyfriends too. When did Abercrombie and Fitch start selling Red Sox gear? And where the fuck did all these "baseball fans" come from? The Mariners average home attendance this year is 32,000. When the Sox are in town it's 44+. And unless every Boston fan either owns a charter jet, or has a summer home on Mercer Island, there is some serious serious band wagonning going on. My guess is that they neither have jets, nor live on MI for the summer, which leads me to my question. What the hell?

In order to get to the bottom of this I hit the streets. I figured the best way to find out why these dumb ass holes like the Red Sox was to ask them. I was a bit weary since a crazy person doesn't know he's crazy, just as a Red Sox fan doesn't know he's a dumb ass hole, never the less this is what I found. (By the way, these interviews are all on my digital recorder, and I will try as hard as I can to allow you to hear them. Important note: THIS STUFF ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!)

Sox Fan #1: Kerri, 17, Bellevue

Me: "Why are you a Red Sox fan?"
Kerri: "Well, I started liking them because Johnny Damon is really cute, and I liked his hair. Then when he, like, moved to the Yankees, I started liking them. But I didn't want to buy all new stuff, so I switched back to the Red Sox."
Me: "Awesome."


Sox Fans #'s 2 and 3: Jesse and Allison, 22 and 21, Kirkland

Me: "Why are you guys Red Sox fans?"
Jesse: "My uncle lives in Boston, and I went to my first game ever at Fenway. Since then I've just loved them, even though it was rough. You gotta stick with your team."
Allison: "He basically made me like them. I used to like the Mariners, but now we watch all the Red Sox games when they come to town. "
Me: "You gotta hold strong, you can't change teams."
Allison: "I don't really care that much. He likes the Red Sox way more than I liked the Mariners, so it was okay."


Sox Fan #4: Britany, 24, Burien

Me: "Why do you like the Sox and not the Mariners?"
Britany: "I just always root for the underdog. And if you hate the Yankees like I do, you just automatically love the Red Sox."
Me: "But they broke the curse."
Britany: "I know but the Yankees still win way more."


Sox Fans #'s 5 and 6: Lindsay and Ben, 25 and 25, Seattle

Me: "Why do you two like the Sox?"
Lindsay: "Ben has always loved baseball. Our first date was a Mariners game like six years ago. Then we saw "Fever Pitch" and it was about us. The characters in the movie are Lindsay and Ben, isn't that weird? And Ben loves baseball."
Ben: "Yeah, it was too perfect. Since then we have loved the Red Sox."


That was about all I could take. I talked to about 15 different people in Red Sox gear, and this was the majority of the stuff that I heard. I need about three minutes to decompress, or else I will kill every person that ever says Red Sox again.

***************Three minutes of deep breaths later*********************

I'd like to say that this is extactly what I thought was going to happen, but if I did I'd be lying. We joke about fair weather fans, but I had no idea. They are worse than fair weather fans, they are retractable roof fans. These are the same people who tell both of their parents they love the other one more, in the hopes of landing better Christmas presents.

The funny part is the reasons they chose the Red Sox over any other team. If you disect their ignorant reasoning, you could prove to them that the Mariners have all the same stuff they like about the Red Sox. Hey Britany, you like underdogs? We've never won anything. The Red Sox won the World Series in 2004, and they have the second highest payroll in baseball history. I repeat, we have never won anything. We are the underdogs. Plus, look at the line in the paper for every Red Sox v. Mariners game. Guess who is picked to lose. Here's a hint. They don't have Sox in their name. And you say you hate the Yankees, huh? I wonder why. Could your hatered have started in 1995? Or perhaps 2000 or 2001 when they knocked us out of the playoff in back to back years. That's right, we hate them too. A lot. Everybody does, not just the Sox.

And as for you Allison. What happens in three months when your Red Sox boyfriend cheats on you? What do you do then? Switch back? We'll see if we take you back.

Johnny Damon? That is your reason for liking an entire team of players, that he's no longer a part of. You like him so much that you spend your hard earned money to see a team that he used to play for? The answer to that is no. You spend your parents hard earned money, Kerri from Bellevue.

The one thing we can't account for is the Fallon Factor. No one can. He is the man. By looking at the camera, telling squirely, awkward jokes, and being slightly cute he had millions of American girls staying up way past their bed times to watch SNL. And when you team that up with the incomperable Drew Barrymore, you have a duo as deadly as Manny and Pappi in Belletown. Honestly though, if you liked that movie you aren't a baseball fan. Jimmy Fallon sucks and it was awful. But so is everything that these people stand for. And we cannot combat that kind of fire power.

As I sit here in the press box at Safeco, listening to the chants of "Dice-K, Dice-K" drown any semblance of cheers for Ichiro, I can't help but wonder what we can do. I don't want to gain these peoples love by continuing to be the underdog, losing sucks. I don't want to date all of them, and then force them to love my team as Jesse did to Allison. I don't want Johnny or Jimmy. What do I want? I want loyal fans. I want fans who won't let our home stadium be filled by Red Sox. I want fans who hate the Red Sox, and the Yankees, and everybody but us. I want fans who instead of politely booing when the Red Sox fans chant "Let's go Red Sox", will over power them with chants and cheers and jokes about Manny's hair, and Julio Lugo's inability to go three seconds with out grabbing his crotch. I don't want friendly observers, I want fans!!

The Deadline

With everything that happens in sports, and life, you can choose to look at things in a multitude of ways. With the passing of the recent trading deadline, the Mariners did as they have done in five of the last seven years, they did nothing. Choosing instead to fight for the fall with the bunch that has gotten them this far. I feel very strongly about their decision to do this, but instead of using this entire blog to air my feelings on the inaction, I am going get schizophrenic and tap into all of the various sports fans that live inside my head. If anyone has ever watched a sporting event with me, you know what I am talking about. I have more mood swings in a nine inning game than a pregnant woman has in nine months. So instead of getting one angle on the Mariners deadline flat-line, I'm getting a bunch.

Eternal Pessimist-
If you want to make a splash in the division, and actually make it look like you are interested in winning, you make a god damn trade. Every summer the same teams make trades: the Yankees, the Red Sox, the Cardinals and the Braves. And every fall the same teams are in the playoffs: the Yankees, the Red Sox, the Cardinals and the Braves. This is just further proof that we are a second tier team. If you want to win, you make a trade, and it is blatantly clear that we have no interest in winning.

Traditional Optimist-
Everything is going to be fine. We didn't need to make a trade. We have everything we need right here in our own back yard. Our main needs were a left handed bat, a starting pitcher and some speed and power off of the bench. Well look at what already have. Replace Richie Sexson with Ben Broussard, and there's your lefty. Jeff Weaver is a different pitcher than he was two months ago, so in a way he is the starting pitcher that we needed just by turning his season around. And as far as speed and power off of the bench, Adam Jones is leading the PCL in home runs and he's lightning quick. Send Sexson to Tacoma, bring up Jones, and theres the trifecta, all three problems solved, and we didn't have to lose any prospects in the process.

Average Seattle Fan:
What we should have done is gotten Griffey back. He said he wanted to be here. He said it in his own words to all 46,000 of us while we stood and clapped and cried when he came home in June. Trade who ever it takes to get him. Adam Jones, Wladamir Balentine, anybody. Who cares if he's 37, and is in a contract year next year. Who cares if he makes 15 million dollars a season. Who cares if he said he didn't want to DH. Who cares? All we need is Griffey. Remember 1995? Yeah, that was awesome. Refuse to Lose.

Adam Jones-
Thank god those stupid ass holes didn't trade me. Cuz I'm gonna be sick. I have 24 home runs in triple A. What they should do is bring me the fuck up, because this league is a joke. I go 2-4 with two RBI every damn night. I'm better right now, than Richie Sexson ever was. Plus I'm down right dreamy, and Andy Bunker would date me if he or I were gay.

Feminist-
The Mariners did make a move at the trading deadline, and it was the best move they could have made. They traded that shit head wife beater, Julio Mateo, and unloaded his unusually large contract in the process. Who cares that he is a fantastic relief pitcher, and all they got was a descent short stop prospect, it was a victory for social justice. They immediately suspended him when he was arrested, they didn't let him back on the major league team ever, and then they dealt him proving that the Seattle Mariners franchise says no to domestic violence. Thumbs up M's, great move.

Clay Bennett-
I'm a stupid butt fuck. I don't care if the Mariners traded anybody or not. All I care about is sticking cucumbers up my ass. That's what we do in Oklahoma City. It's or own little secret for pickle making. And let me tell you, ass pickles are delicious. I love ass pickles. Remember that, when you think about Clay Bennett, think ass pickles.

Frog-
Ribbit.

My actual Thoughts-
I am actually whole heartedly happy that we didn't make a trade. Because honestly there wasn't anything out there that we needed. I'm not saying that we couldn't have used some things to improve our team, but the things that we needed were not out there. The biggest names on the market were Mark Tiexiera and Eric Gagne, and we already have solid guys at both of their positions, assuming we immediately replace Richie Sexson with Ben Broussard. What is the point of making a trade just for the sake of making a trade. That is stupid. That is just the stupid deer in the headlights move that Bill Bevasi usually makes, so actually us doing nothing makes me incredibly happy because it makes me think that Bevasi may not have downs syndrome after all. Trading Adam Jones would have been the dumbest move we've made since trading David Ortiz for Dave Hollins. We really would have regretted that. Adam Jones is amazing, and he is going to be a star. Plus he has the same name as "Pac Man" and that is really cool. We need to think of a video game nick name for him, similar to pac man, but different and better. My vote is tetris. Both a cool old game, and a reference to the fact that Adam Jones is going to fit perfectly into our team. Oh yeah....Clay Bennett. Ass pickles.