Monday, March 10, 2008

Douche Bag of the Week

This weeks biggest douche bag has been on our list before, and will most likely be on it again. Only next time he'll probably either be unemployed or play for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. Yes, this weeks biggest DB is the soon to be ex-Seahawk RB, Shaun Alexander. In a week where the Hawks went out and signed two running backs that are both younger, and have smaller contracts, Shaun Alexander appears to be on his way out of town. I don't know about you, but I couldn't take another year of dodging contact, missed blocks, and excuses. And as many memories as 37 has provided, the last two years have been increasingly frustrating. And while I do feel a little bit bad for the guy, I felt like one last Douche Bag of the Week award was the best way for Road to the Big Time to send him out.

Since most of the current Seahawks fans have only been fans since 2005, it is probably going to be pretty hard for them to imagine the Seahawks without Shaun. Let me be the first to tell you that it is going to be okay. Life will go on. You will love again. The first time Julius Jones runs for 100 yards and does the sprinkler dance you'll all forget about old Shaun What's His Name anyway. If you don't believe me, here is a story that might help you quantify the loss you are about to feel.

Growing up, many of us had dogs as pets. I had a small white retriever named Squirt. I got Squirt when I was seven, and he and I were best friends. He was fast, agile, great at fetch, and pretty good at sitting and rolling over too. But as Squirt got older, he became less and less able to do the every day dog activities that I was used to. Fetch went from an hour of fun and exercise, to one or two throws followed by lots of water and panting. And as hard as it was to admit that Squirt wasn't a puppy any more, my family and I came to grips with the fact that we may have to some day replace Squirt with a new puppy who could fetch.

The day my dad came home with Rover was a very strange day. Squirt was washing one of his arthritis pills down with about a gallon of water, when his entire world changed. One minute he was the center of our domestic world; Hours of petting, monthly trips to the vet, even the expensive food from the can. Who was this new dog? So young. So agile. Squirt didn't know exactly what was happening, but he was pretty sure that his run at the top maybe soon coming to an end.

Running backs are like dogs. Families, like football franchises, last for decades. Dogs, like running backs, last about 10 years. One day you are eating a milk bone in the den while getting your tummy rubbed, the next day you are in the back seat of the Le Baron on the way to the vet for a "shot".

Shaun Alexander is on his way to the vet...so to speak.

He was the first MVP in franchise history, he led us to our first ever Super Bowl appearance, we aren't going to forget him. But for the good of everyone involved, Shaun Alexander included, it is time to move forward. So whether you are sad to see him go, or you have waiting for this day for two years like me, pay the guy your respect. And hey, at least we aren't injecting him with an overdose of an anesthetic solution. Sorry Squirt.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Save Our Sonics, Call Your Legislator

PLEASE call your legislators if you have not already done so. The number is:

1-800-562-600

These calls really do have a huge impact. The fate of the Sonics may be decided in the next three days. I am sure you have read about the proposed Key Arena remodel. This deal is an absolute no-brainer and must be approved during the current legislative session. Please call your legislators and voice your approval. Here are some key talking points:

1) This is extremely time sensitive: Must be done before the NBA owners meeting (mid-April) to be effective

2) This is an unprecedented offer of private money that will support the Key Arena and Seattle Center as a whole

3) Even Critics of Arena spending are finding this to be a GOOD DEAL. This bill actually puts MORE money towards public programs in the long term because it finds specific revenue streams to make needed debt paydown and improvements to the Key Arena. If the Sonics leave these items will still need to be done and with no specific revenue streams allocated for them the improvement will have to come from the general fund.

4) The state CAN do this if they so choose. They will have to make an exception to the rule but have the ability if they want.

5) City funds will be collected via a user fee and NO state funds are required. The state is ONLY being asked to authorize King County to collect the funds from existing sources.


If you really want to make a difference the time is now. The reality is that Sonics can be saved, and sports fans like us are the key to getting this done. Save Our Sonics.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Funny Picture of the Week



I was at work a few Saturdays ago, when I got a frantic call from my estranged roommate. Barry had been gone on his snowboarding sojourn for over three weeks, and aside from a few facebook wall posts, and late night drunken text messages, I hadn't heard from Barry at all. So needless to say, I was excited. But before I could utter a single word, Barry staring rattling off some crazy line of questions about a former Utah Jazz basketball player.

Now, as I do know a little bit about sports, I am used to calls like this from friends. Whether it be call from a Sonics game from a friend who can't remember the name of that tall left handed guy, who used to shoot all those three's back in the mid 90's (Sam Perkins), or an angry and confused buddy who wants to know why the Mariners would pay $40 million for some fat guy from Minnesota (Carlos Silva), I am pretty used to answering random questions. But I wanted to talk to my buddy Barry.

Here is a script of our conversation:

Me: "Hey, whattup Barry?" I answered excitedly.
Barry: "What is the name of that big tall guy that used to play for the Jazz?"
Me: "What? Where are you?"
Barry: "Utah...what is that guys name?"
Me: "Uh...what? Tall guy? Utah? Uh...when did you get to Utah?"
Barry: "I can't talk long dude, what is that really tall guys name?"
Me: "Tall guy from Utah? I don't know, is he white?"
Barry: "Yeah, he's white and really really tall...like 7 foot 5."
Me: "Oh, that's Mark Eaton...that guy is a huge freak."
Barry: "Mark Eaton...cool dude, thanks. Gotta run."
Me: "What?....."
"Click"

This is how Barry operates. I guess it is impossible not to run at 100 miles per hour when you are constantly high on Skittles and Starbursts. I remained confused about this whole interaction until I received the picture posted above in an email two days later. Barry explained that the pointedness of his call was necessary because they had to chase big Mark down and ask for the picture...but they didn't feel comfortable asking him if they didn't know his name. Even before I knew the extent of the story, I was proud of my quick pull on Eaton's name, but when I found out that the picture wouldn't have happened had my mental rolodex of sports knowledge not been so astute, I was downright proud. It isn't every day that I can apply my sports geekiness in any sort of practical fashion, and it makes me very happy any time I can.

Other funny notes on this picture:
1. Barry is 6'6'', and he looks like a little kid next that giant freak.
2. The skier in the background has a full body, turquoise jump suit.
3. Barry has a moustache.
4. How is it possible that Mark Eaton could play a full NBA career, be that tall, and still be able to ski? That is unbelievable. How can his knees handle it? He is a freak.
5. Can you think of anything funnier than seeing Mark Eaton hit a huge jump? No you can't, it'd be hilarious.

Mark Eaton's career stats:

Games: 875, Games Started: 815, Minutes: 25169, Field Goals Made: 2072,
Field Goals Attempted: 4526, FG Percentage: .458, 3-pointers made: 0,
3-pointers attempted: 2, Total Rebounds: 6939, Assists: 840, Steals: 368,
Blocks: 3064, Points: 5216

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Love vs. Haters

I try my hardest to avoid writing serious blogs. I know that this is a place that you all come to laugh...or at least I hope it is. But there are some things that I cannot avoid talking about, as they strike a chord so deeply rooted in my love for sports that I have no choice but to write about them.

There are reasons that we all love sports specific to our own personalities. Some people love hard work. Some people love athleticism. Some love tradition, or trash talkers, or underdogs. There are as many reasons to love sports as there are sports, or teams, or athletes. But there is one thing in sports that is simply universal. Something that everyone that is truly a sports fan understands. It's what made you jump up and scream with delight, and hug your best friend as you danced around your living room when the Seahawks crushed the Panthers. It's what made you kick a hole in your mom's wall when Richard Hamilton made that last second fade away. It's what made Griffey smile from here to Cooperstown on the bottom of the pile at home plate. It's what made Joey Cora cry in the dugout, and it's what made Alex Rodriguez console him.

It's what made Brett Favre tick.

It's love. The love of the game.

I know a lot of ridiculous, corny, romantic, and possibly even unnecessary things have been written about Brett Favre. And this blog maybe one of them. But for once, in a sports world that completely blows everything out of proportion, I am going to buy into it. And for once, on a blogsite that usually makes fun of the "feel good" story, I am going to try to make you feel good.

Brett Favre announced today that he will call it quits after 17 years of record setting football; that part you already know. What you don't know is how this, whether you loved Favre or not, directly effects you the sports fan. Because as sports fans we are war with haters. People who do not, and will not, love sports. The Nick LaCottas of the world, who feel that sports have no cultural value. The high brows who scoff when you turn the game on or laugh at you if you ask them if they know the final score of the Mariners game. Call them what you want. But for the purposes of this blog, we will simply call them Haters.

You maybe asking what Brett Favre has to do with our fight, Haters don't care about football. Haters only like Emo and coffee. You're right, Haters don't care about football. You could sit there and tell a Hater every single record that Favre has broken. Tell them that he passed for more yards, or touchdowns than anybody else in history. Tell them that he played in 275 games in a row. Tell them that he won more games than anyone else who ever played. You could tell a Hater what ever you wanted to about Brett Favre's football stats, if they turned their Zune off for long enough to listen, and they would never ever care. But that isn't why we love him, and that isn't how he is going to help us.

The next time a Hater gives you that steely-eyed glare, that every fan knows so well, as you open the paper and go straight for the sports page, ask them this. What do you love? But before they can rattle off some condescending response like "art", finish the question. What do you love, as much as I love sports? If they don't have anything that they can admit that they love, then you have already won the argument. But chances are, they will have some sort of answer, whether it actually be art, or music, or politics, or law or whatever, as long as they have an answer then you are playing ball. Excuse the pun. This is where Brett Favre can be used to your advantage. Because whether you like Favre or not, he the embodiment of love in sports. The way he wore his emotions, and played with his heart. The improvisation that he played with. His unconventional style. The joy that he evoked and invoked. His passion. His love.

Spell it out to a Hater like that, and even if they don't like sports, they will see Favre as the icon that they love. Favre is Picasso. He is the Rolling Stones. He is the reason that sports are great. It is lame, and difficult to give one man that much responsibility, or even that much credit, but it's true. I'm not saying that there should be pictures of Favre in the Louvre, or that he should be on the Supreme Court. But in the context of sports, he is what we love. And while it maybe difficult for some to find value in sports, only Haters can't find value in love.

By the way...he will come out of retirement in June or July.

Monday, March 3, 2008

My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes

Here it is, the triumphant return of "My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes." And I have a look alike that is my favorite so far. Did you hear what I just said?!? My favorite one!! I like it better than the Gelinas/Medvedenko duo, more than Scarpelli/Reali, even more than Emmick/Brady. So, without further ado, I give you Pau and the Pony.

Here is the newest Laker, and every ones favorite unshaven Spaniard, Pau Gasol.




And here is my buddy, The Pony, Ryan Delaney.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Fave 5 Players to Hate

I was happy to give you all a look into my favorite five guys to watch this season in college basketball. But we all know that I would much rather talk about things that bother me than things that I like. That is why this blog will be dedicated to the five guys in college basketball that I love to hate. The mere sight of these guys sends me into a profanity laden rage. I can't stand their style of play, the way they look, or the things they say. But, the older that I get, the more I realize that these are the guys that fuel my fire for sports. I find myself far more into a game if I am actively rooting against a player or a team, than if I am rooting for a player or a team. If that makes me a hater, then so be it. But I know one thing, making fun of guys is a lot funnier than praising them.

When reading about who I hate most in college basketball, you'll notice that these guys have quite a bit in common. I won't tell you what these similarities are, but let me know if you notice. Also, please accept my apology now if you are white, ugly, or a Duke Blue Devil. God save you if you're all three.

Without any further ado, here are my "Fave Five" players to hate in 2007-2008's college basketball season.



Greg Paulus, Duke-
"What? How can you hate Greg Paulus? He is great. He was an All-American in both football and basketball in high school. He had to make the choice between Duke to play basketball, and Notre Dame to play football. He has gotten better every year of college. And he is one of the hardest working guys in the country."

Here is my retort.

The fact that he considered either Duke or Notre Dame as acceptable options for his collegiate career is about as much as I need to hate a guy. In fact, anyone who would even think about going to Notre Dame is an idiot. And I'm not just mad about the ethnic insensitivity of the mascot either. There are more douche bags between Notre Dame football and Duke B-ball alumni than a Dave Mathews concert at the Gorge.

"What? I love DMB."

In conclusion. If you like Greg Paulus, Duke, Notre Dame, or DMB at the Gorge...you are a douche bag. Also, I have no real reason to hate Greg Paulus, I just do. Duke Point Guard + hard nosed honky = Hate Hate Hate Hate.


Luke Harangody, Notre Dame-
The mere thought of attending Notre Dame was enough for me to hate Greg Paulus, so you can imagine what a guy who actually goes there does to me.

Luke Harangody is basically Notre Dame's version of Jon Brockman. A 20 and 10 guy who has no chance of being any good in the NBA, who all the home fans love, but everybody else absolutely despises. A hard working Catholic boy, who has probably broken his nose more times than he's had sex. Who's only move can aptly be described as "lower your shoulder and plow."

Also, Harangody looks exactly like every meat head frat guy from every college movie that was released in the late 70's and early 80's. Tell me that this isn't an exact mix between Jon Brockman and the bully from "Revenge of the Nerds 2", http://vmedia.rivals.com/IMAGES/PROSPECT/PHOTO/LUKEHARANGODY6_7A150.JPG.


Aaron Baynes, Washington State-
Basically take everything that I said about Harangody, then add the fact that Baynes is a left handed Coug from Australia, and we have a quite a recipe for hate. He reminds me of the white guy from "Blood Sport". You know, the guy that wore he Harley Davidson bandana, and got his spine broken by Chong Li. If only Chong Li would make a trip to Pullman.


Brooke Lopez/Robin Lopez, Stanford-
As if one giant, ugly, shot blocking Stanford Cardinal wasn't enough. I hate these guys so much that I'm mad at their mom for allowing her egg to split...I think that's how twins happen isn't it. Who knows? Anyway, these two look like trolls. The only way you can tell them apart is that Brook has short hair, ad Robin has long hair. And that Brook is twice as good as Robin. It's gonna suck when Brook is in the NBA and Robin has to go back home and be the assistant coach on his high school JV team.

Lorenzo Mata-Real, UCLA-
I retract the statement that I made two days ago about Henry Waxman. He is not the ugliest man alive. That honor is undeniably held by Lorenzo Mata-Real. Although, after a comment made by an astute reader named Gabe Showalter, I am pretty sure that Henry Waxman is the father of Lorenzo Mata-Real...Which makes them the ugliest family in the world. The Lopez family is relieved.

Sixth Man:

David Pendergraft, Gonzaga-
Uh...redheaded.