Tuesday, February 26, 2008

My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes

Here it is, the triumphant return of "My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes." And I have a look alike that is my favorite so far. Did you hear what I just said?!? My favorite one!! I like it better than the Gelinas/Medvedenko duo, more than Scarpelli/Reali, even more than Emmick/Brady. So, without further ado, I give you Pau and the Pony.

Here is the newest Laker, and every ones favorite unshaven Spaniard, Pau Gasol.




And here is my buddy, The Pony, Ryan Delaney.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Trading Away W's

Did you know that until today the Sonics were tied for the league lead in W's?

That's right, we were right up there with the Golden State Warriors. With Earl Watson, Chris Wilcox, Damien Wilkins, and Dalonte West, we had the league lead in guys who's last names start with W.

When your team is as bad as ours is, keeping track of last names is a great way to forget that we lose nearly every night.

But now, we are in a 4 way tie for second, with only three W's left. Leaving CJ Watson, DaJuan Wagner, Brandon Wright, Chris Webber and the aptly named Warriors alone in first place. Congrats fellas.

Along with West, went Wally, to the Cleveland Cavaliers (who acquired two W's today in West and Ben Wallace) in exchange for a couple of pairs of Adidas and three basketballs. I'm joking of course, we got Ira Newbel, who is not nearly as valuable as any pair of Adidas...let alone two pair. Again, I am joking. I am huge fan of what we did this week in terms of trades. We had three trade worthy players, and we traded all three of them.

Here is a brief run down on the trades, and my thoughts:

-The Kurt Thomas trade-
After hearing that we traded Kurt to San Antonio for Brent Barry and Fransisco Elson, I had three knee jerk thoughs: 1. Cool, Brent Barry* is back, I always liked that guy. 2. Great, Fransisco Elson, another crappy foreign black guy that sucks at center. 3. I knew Sam Presti didn't want anyone on the team older than him...also Presti is great.

In fact, after looking at this trade, I bet Presti signed Thomas in the off season with this exact trade in mind. He used to work for the Spurs, he knew how much they were going to need a veteran rebounder for this years run, and he made a move that he knew could get us much more than we deserve. Think about it. We unloaded an aging player in Thomas, who was going to make $8 million this year, and who was most likely going to move on after the season any way since his contract will be up. We picked up two guys, who also have expiring contracts, and who earn a combined $8 million. So basically, those guys cancel each other out. But along with them, we got a first round draft pick in the 2009 draft.

Sam Presti is to draft picks, as Barack Obama is to delegates. They are racking them up.

*The Sonics bought out Barry's contract today. Sadly, there will be no glorious return for Bones.


-The Deltonte West, Wally Szczerbiak trade-
Here were my three knee jerk reactions to this trade: 1. Wow, just when I come around on Wally, we go and get rid of him...too bad. 2. Ben Steitzer is going to be pissed, he loved Delonte West. 3. Sam Presti is not scared.

Indeed, Presti is not scared. He has made more moves in his first 6 months as the Sonics GM than Wally Walker made in his whole career. Presti has a very specific idea of what he wants this team to look like, and he is doing everything that he need to do to make that happen. If you are old, or slow, or you have a big contract, you are most likely not going to be a Sonic in the next few years. He realizes that he is going to have to eat a bit of the money from the old and slow guys he inherited, but he is managing to do so while also getting loads of draft picks in the process. The Sonics have two first round draft picks in each of the next three drafts, and 13 picks in the next 3 drafts over all. Presti wants a team just like him, fresh and young.

Along with my boy Ben Steitzer, I am sad to see West go. It is always good to have a guy around who you can count on for some great quotes. Plus he is the starting 2 guard on the "All Bad Tattoo" Team, and it is sad to see that leave town too. Although we still have the starting center on that team, in Robert Swift.

It's also sad to think that young Maximus won't get to grow up here in Seattle. He, and daddy Wally, will have to learn to love Cleveland. Playing along side a player like LeBron should help a lot in that process. Not only because LeBron is a great player who undoubtedly make Wally better, but because LeBron also has a propensity for naming his children funny names. Young Maximus Szczerbiak will feel right at home with the likes of LeBron James Jr., and LeBron's second child, Bryce Maximus James. You can't make this stuff up.

The NBA, where Maximus happens.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

To the Maximus

Not that anyone really cares aside from me, Shams, Sam Kidder, Sherman Alexie, and most likely Jayda Evans, but the Supes found an even more ridiculous, and frustrating was to lose on Friday night. After playing surprisingly well against a far superior Phoenix Suns team, and down only 1 point in the final minute of the game, Worthless Wally pulled a Chris Webber, and called a time out when there were none left to be called. Both Earl Watson and P.J. Carlesimo claim that the fact that the Sonics had zero time outs was made very clear in the time out leading up to Wally's big whoops. And even if it wasn't, Wally is a 10 year veteran who should know how many time outs his team has.

Like I already said, no one really cares about this. It's likely that even if they had gotten the ball in bounds, the Suns still would have found a way to win. But I really hate Wally Szczerbiak, and I have been looking for a reason to break out a blog about what a historical failure he has been here in Seattle. I find his latest brainless, boneheaded, moronic, idiotic mistake to be the perfect inspiration my latest onslaught of Wally hate.


*******Stop the Presses*********

In the midst of my research, I stumbled upon a gem that changed my entire way of thinking. A nugget of knowledge so hilarious, that I experienced a paradigm shift in hate. During my research I unveiled a number of interesting numbers to back up my distaste for the previously titled "Worthless Wally". I found that he does indeed have a "worth", a value, in his salary...which is 12 million dollars a year. I found that this is the 36th highest salary in the NBA this season. I found that Wally is in the top 36 in only one other statistical category. Not scoring, not rebounding, not steals, or assists. He is 18th in free throw percentage. But, since he gets to the free throw line 68th most in the NBA, this stat isn't exactly flattering. I found that he makes more money than Steve Nash, Gilbert Arenas and Carlos Boozer. I found that he is the third highest paid Seattle Supersonic of all time, behind only Gary Payton and Ray Allen.

But none of this matters anymore. And here is why.

During my research, which mostly entailed googling "Wally Szczerbiak" and reading a few anger evoking Jayda Evans articles, I came across the news that Wally and his wife are pregnant. "Good for Wally," I thought. "Maybe he isn't scoring much for the Sonics, but at least he is scoring at home." But that isn't what caused the sea change. Like Chris Rock once said, "even cockroaches can have kids." What caused the sudden change in my feelings towards Wally, is what he will be naming his baby cockroach. In less than a month, the world will be graced by the presence of Maximus Szczerbiak. (Which reminds me, we need to finish the name contest.) Sometimes things can be so funny, so down right ridiculous that they can change even the most concrete of things. I would have told you that there is no way that I could ever not hate Wally, but I would have been wrong. He hit me where I am at my weakest. I live for names like this.

So, from now on, Wally is fine by me. His 4 inch verticle, his shoot first, second, and third style of offense and his ever growing lack of physical conditioning will no longer bother me. Naming your kid something as ridiculous as this clenses him of his sins.

And oh yeah, I call Maximus Szczerbiak for next years "Funniest Names in Sports" contest.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

The Wax Man Cometh



This is Henry Waxman. Chair of the House Oversight Committee, and leader of the House's investigation into the use of steroids in baseball.

Also, he is the ugliest man alive. He looks like a monster. All baseball has to do to stop steroid use from here on out, is to tell every kid on earth that if they use steroids The Wax Man is gonna eat them in their sleep.

In fact, I bet if Waxman would just eat one of Clemens' kids in front of the House tomorrow, Clemens would break down and tell the truth. Giving all of your kids names that start with K...he should get one of his kids eaten. What an asshole Clemens is.

Anyway, don't use steroids, or the Wax Man will eat your kids.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

"Fave Five" Players to Hate

I was happy to give you all a look into my favorite five guys to watch this season in college basketball. But we all know that I would much rather talk about things that bother me than things that I like. That is why this blog will be dedicated to the five guys in college basketball that I love to hate. The mere sight of these guys sends me into a profanity laden rage. I can't stand their style of play, the way they look, or the things they say. But, the older that I get, the more I realize that these are the guys that fuel my fire for sports. I find myself far more into a game if I am actively rooting against a player or a team, than if I am rooting for a player or a team. If that makes me a hater, then so be it. But I know one thing, making fun of guys is a lot funnier than praising them.

When reading about who I hate most in college basketball, you'll notice that these guys have quite a bit in common. I won't tell you what these similarities are, but let me know if you notice. Also, please accept my apology now if you are white, ugly, or a Duke Blue Devil. God save you if you're all three.

Without any further ado, here are my "Fave Five" players to hate in 2007-2008's college basketball season.



Greg Paulus, Duke-
"What? How can you hate Greg Paulus? He is great. He was an All-American in both football and basketball in high school. He had to make the choice between Duke to play basketball, and Notre Dame to play football. He has gotten better every year of college. And he is one of the hardest working guys in the country."

Here is my retort.

The fact that he considered either Duke or Notre Dame as acceptable options for his collegiate career is about as much as I need to hate a guy. In fact, anyone who would even think about going to Notre Dame is an idiot. And I'm not just mad about the ethnic insensitivity of the mascot either. There are more douche bags between Notre Dame football and Duke B-ball alumni than a Dave Mathews concert at the Gorge.

"What? I love DMB."

In conclusion. If you like Greg Paulus, Duke, Notre Dame, or DMB at the Gorge...you are a douche bag. Also, I have no real reason to hate Greg Paulus, I just do. Duke Point Guard + hard nosed honky = Hate Hate Hate Hate.


Luke Harangody, Notre Dame-
The mere thought of attending Notre Dame was enough for me to hate Greg Paulus, so you can imagine what a guy who actually goes there does to me.

Luke Harangody is basically Notre Dame's version of Jon Brockman. A 20 and 10 guy who has no chance of being any good in the NBA, who all the home fans love, but everybody else absolutely despises. A hard working Catholic boy, who has probably broken his nose more times than he's had sex. Who's only move can aptly be described as "lower your shoulder and plow."

Also, Harangody looks exactly like every meat head frat guy from every college movie that was released in the late 70's and early 80's. Tell me that this isn't an exact mix between Jon Brockman and the bully from "Revenge of the Nerds 2", http://vmedia.rivals.com/IMAGES/PROSPECT/PHOTO/LUKEHARANGODY6_7A150.JPG.


Aaron Baynes, Washington State-
Basically take everything that I said about Harangody, then add the fact that Baynes is a left handed Coug from Australia, and we have a quite a recipe for hate. He reminds me of the white guy from "Blood Sport". You know, the guy that wore he Harley Davidson bandana, and got his spine broken by Chong Li. If only Chong Li would make a trip to Pullman.


Brooke Lopez/Robin Lopez, Stanford-
As if one giant, ugly, shot blocking Stanford Cardinal wasn't enough. I hate these guys so much that I'm mad at their mom for allowing her egg to split...I think that's how twins happen isn't it. Who knows? Anyway, these two look like trolls. The only way you can tell them apart is that Brook has short hair, ad Robin has long hair. And that Brook is twice as good as Robin. It's gonna suck when Brook is in the NBA and Robin has to go back home and be the assistant coach on his high school JV team.

Lorenzo Mata-Real, UCLA-
I retract the statement that I made two days ago about Henry Waxman. He is not the ugliest man alive. That honor is undeniably held by Lorenzo Mata-Real. Although, after a comment made by an astute reader named Gabe Showalter, I am pretty sure that Henry Waxman is the father of Lorenzo Mata-Real...Which makes them the ugliest family in the world. The Lopez family is relieved.

Sixth Man:

David Pendergraft, Gonzaga-
Uh...redheaded.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

My Fave Five in College Hoops

In homage to my favorite commercial of Super Bowl Sunday, I am going to run down my own personal "Fave Five". This has been a great year in college basketball, outside of Montlake, and I think it is high time that I let everyone know who I like, and more importantly who I can't stand.

Before I do, let's talk a little about the "Fave Five" commercial. In an otherwise mediocre year for Super Bowl commercials, the Dwayne Wade and Charles Barkley spot stole the show. While I did enjoy the creepy investing baby, and the awkwardly racist JobGenie.com commercials, the T-Mobile "Fave Five" commercial was by far my fave. Barkley finally let D Wade into his five, and then proceeded to pester him at all hours of the day with phone calls. I have long known that Charles Barkley is hilarious, but I didn't know that he had this sort of scripted humor in him. He has always excelled at of the cuff, over the top, improvised jokes. His role on the NBA on TNT has been the best part of regular season basketball for the past five years. And the "Fave Five" commercials leading up to this one were good too. But this one was great. Here are a few of my fave quotes. And oh yeah, here's the link, http://youtube.com/watch?v=4Phg5SZGl8U.

"Either Play better, or call in sick."

"Do you like popsicles?"

and...

"...and that's why I don't eat shrimp."

Watch it. Laugh. And pray that Charles Barkley lives a long and healthy life, and is able to entertain us all for years to come.

Anyway, here is my College Hoops "Fave Five", and the reasons why. Keep in mind, I'm not saying these guys are the best players in college this year, they are just the guys I like watching the most.

Fave Five:

D.J. Augustine, Texas-
I knew I liked DJ when he predicted that Texas would be better this year now that Kevin Durant is gone to the NBA because quote, "Now that he's gone, I can take more shots." Predicting that your team will improve after losing the Naismith Award winner is bold, but when it actually comes true you are the man. If you need any help coming around on Augustine rewatch the Longhorn's win over UCLA in Los Angeles. He made more big shots in that game than Kevin Durant did all last year. Plus he has a clean haircut every single game. And there is a lot to be said for a clean haircut.

Derick Rose, Memphis-
I realize that this is sort of a lame pick since pretty much everybody loves this guy. He is certainly among the most over hyped freshmen in the country, along with Eric Gordan and Kevin Love, but in my opinion his hype is all the way deserved. Plus, I'm trying to sway as much good Derick Rose Karma in Seattle's direction as I can, so next Summer when we have the #2 pick again, we end up with the youngest, coolest, and most athletic 1,2,3 combo in the NBA. Imagine, if you will...Kevin Durant, Jeff Green, and Derick Rose. Sounds pretty good, huh?

Deron Washington, Virginia Tech-
This makes up for my Derick Rose pick, because I am pretty sure that if you asked anybody who there favorite 5 players in college are this year, no one outside of Blacksburg would name this guy. Here is a brief breakdown of Mr. Washington. He has dreadlocks. He has the tendency to shake them...often. And I'm pretty sure he has left a smell on Greg Paulus' face that can never be washed off. Watch, http://youtube.com/watch?v=HXNJQFi_R50. Also this dunk on the Zags, http://youtube.com/watch?v=Mq0xLwWjy5M&feature=related. Any one who dunks on Paulus and Gonzaga, I'm gonna like. Also, I am pretty sure he is a member of the J-Sky "All Djumpin Djemba" team.

Michael Beasley, Kansas State-
Another obvious pick, but with his resume of dunks, big shots, and quotes, I had no choice but to pick him. We've all seen the relentless rebounding, the amazing dunks, and the surprising left handed stroke. But that isn't enough for me to put him in my top five. What earned him his spot was the quote that he had before K-State's huge win over Kansas. He said, "I don't care where we play them. We'll beat them here, we'll beat them at their place, we'll beat them in Africa." That is an award winning quote. But the fact that they actually did beat Kansas makes the prediction even better. Especially since they hadn't beaten Kansas at home since 1983. Michael Beasley wasn't even alive in 1983.

DeAndre Thomas, Indiana-
This is another pick that excuses my Derrick Rose and Michael Beasley picks. You could ask DeAndre Thomas' parents who their top 5 are, and I bet he wouldn't be in them. This guy is the second guy off the bench for the Hoosiers, basically DJ White's backup. Their 7th man. But I love him. When he arrived at Indiana three years ago, he weighed 355 pounds. He has lost 60 pounds since then, but he still looks like he could ruin an entire Thanksgiving dinner. His only move is to catch the ball on the block, and back into the defender with his huge derier, and then quickly turn and lay it up. I saw him do this four times in a row against Kentucky. He is fat, slow, and nearly useless on the court. But in a post game interview after that same Kentucky game he was asked about his playing style. "I got a huge back side. I gotta use it. I got it from my momma." Meet DeAndre Thomas, your new favorite player.

Sixth Man:

Gerald Henderson, Duke-
I would usually never put any Duke player anywhere near my top 5, but Gerald isn't like most Duke guys. He seems like a funny guy. He dunks on lots of people. And most importantly, he broke Tyler Hansbrough's nose on purpose. Thus, he's my sixth man.


Tomorrow I'll unveil my "Fave Five" players to hate. A list of the five players that I dislike the most in college basketball this year. There will be Duke and Gonzaga representation, please believe that.

What the Hell Bunktown?

Well, with my New Year resolution in serious jeopardy after only one month, I have used 2008 to drive home one obvious point...I am extremely lazy. Well, sort of. In my own defense, I have been really busy, and really tired. Getting up at 4:45 every morning, only to go into KJR and get yelled at by Mitch for four hours is not exactly the recipe for blogging success. While I do come home with some pretty hilarious stories every day, I am usually so exhausted physically and mentally that I just watch ESPN Classic and take a nap. When I wake up from my nap at about 6:30 pm, I only have about four hours to eat, hang out, do something semi-active and then eat again, before I have to go to bed so I can be up at 4:45 again. I have essentially been in a sports induced coma for the past month and a half. A veritable "Daily Schnoz" zombie wandering the earth in search of the latest and greatest story lines in sports. And due to the fact that I've only had 3 days off in the past six weeks, my blog has been severely bogged down.

Well I have some good news. Friday is my last day as the "Assistant Producer" of the Mitch in the Morning Show. I put "Assistant Producer" in quotes because that is what they call it. It would more aptly be described as bitch, or to be more sports appropriate, towel or water boy. In fact, I run to the lunch room to get Mitch, Steve the co-host, or Matt the Producer, water at least three times a week. But if they called me the water boy, I wouldn't have nearly as much of a problem with the destitution of my restitution. In other words, they pay me less than that guy who asked you if you would like a lemon in your water last time you went out to Mexican food. At least he gets tips. I am joking of course...except about the money, they do pay me like a janitor. I truly have had a great time working in the morning though. There is a myth that is often perpetuated by the sports fans in Seattle that Mitch is a jerk. He isn't. Honestly. In fact, he is pretty hilarious. He makes fun of every body, he doesn't take crap from anybody, and he hates Phil Mickelson. And aside from the pay, the hours, the stress, the under appreciation, and the exhaustion, I am going to miss the morning show.

But what does this mean?

Honestly, I have no idea.

But worry not my faithful readers and friends, I am still on the march towards sports media superiority, still on the Road to the BigTime. The next step will most likely be the best step, I am just not really sure what it'll be. But, on the plus side, in the mean time we will have lots more blogs. So, let's not waist any more time talking about blogging, let's put the rubber to the road...to the BigTime.