To the Maximus

Not that anyone really cares aside from me, Shams, Sam Kidder, Sherman Alexie, and most likely Jayda Evans, but the Supes found an even more ridiculous, and frustrating was to lose on Friday night. After playing surprisingly well against a far superior Phoenix Suns team, and down only 1 point in the final minute of the game, Worthless Wally pulled a Chris Webber, and called a time out when there were none left to be called. Both Earl Watson and P.J. Carlesimo claim that the fact that the Sonics had zero time outs was made very clear in the time out leading up to Wally's big whoops. And even if it wasn't, Wally is a 10 year veteran who should know how many time outs his team has.

Like I already said, no one really cares about this. It's likely that even if they had gotten the ball in bounds, the Suns still would have found a way to win. But I really hate Wally Szczerbiak, and I have been looking for a reason to break out a blog about what a historical failure he has been here in Seattle. I find his latest brainless, boneheaded, moronic, idiotic mistake to be the perfect inspiration my latest onslaught of Wally hate.


*******Stop the Presses*********

In the midst of my research, I stumbled upon a gem that changed my entire way of thinking. A nugget of knowledge so hilarious, that I experienced a paradigm shift in hate. During my research I unveiled a number of interesting numbers to back up my distaste for the previously titled "Worthless Wally". I found that he does indeed have a "worth", a value, in his salary...which is 12 million dollars a year. I found that this is the 36th highest salary in the NBA this season. I found that Wally is in the top 36 in only one other statistical category. Not scoring, not rebounding, not steals, or assists. He is 18th in free throw percentage. But, since he gets to the free throw line 68th most in the NBA, this stat isn't exactly flattering. I found that he makes more money than Steve Nash, Gilbert Arenas and Carlos Boozer. I found that he is the third highest paid Seattle Supersonic of all time, behind only Gary Payton and Ray Allen.

But none of this matters anymore. And here is why.

During my research, which mostly entailed googling "Wally Szczerbiak" and reading a few anger evoking Jayda Evans articles, I came across the news that Wally and his wife are pregnant. "Good for Wally," I thought. "Maybe he isn't scoring much for the Sonics, but at least he is scoring at home." But that isn't what caused the sea change. Like Chris Rock once said, "even cockroaches can have kids." What caused the sudden change in my feelings towards Wally, is what he will be naming his baby cockroach. In less than a month, the world will be graced by the presence of Maximus Szczerbiak. (Which reminds me, we need to finish the name contest.) Sometimes things can be so funny, so down right ridiculous that they can change even the most concrete of things. I would have told you that there is no way that I could ever not hate Wally, but I would have been wrong. He hit me where I am at my weakest. I live for names like this.

So, from now on, Wally is fine by me. His 4 inch verticle, his shoot first, second, and third style of offense and his ever growing lack of physical conditioning will no longer bother me. Naming your kid something as ridiculous as this clenses him of his sins.

And oh yeah, I call Maximus Szczerbiak for next years "Funniest Names in Sports" contest.