Well, as some of you know, I was "laid off" the other day. And now the rest of you know, because you just read it in the last sentence.
Laid off is a funny phrase to me. Honestly, I think it's a stupid phrase. It's a lot less like getting laid, and a lot more like getting offed. So, in an attempt to find a more suitable description for what happened to me, I consulted the Wikipedia. The Wikipedia almost always has something to say, and when it comes to layoffs, it has lots to say. This was Wikipedia's explanation for the origin of the term layoff: "Originally the term "layoff" referred exclusively to a temporary interruption in work, as when factory work cyclically falls off. However, in recent times the term can also refer to the permanent elimination of a position."
Great, so in this definition they refer not only to the fact that "temporary layoffs" are outdated, they also talk about factory work...which renders thoughts of GM and Ford and the city of Detroit as a whole...thanks a lot Wikipedia.
I was unhappy with what I found in Wikipedia's first paragraph on Layoffs so (this is something that before the layoff I would have never had time for, I was very busy all the time back then) I read on. I came upon the "Further Euphemisms" section. You know how shitty left-handed pitchers are described as "crafty", or slow white point guards are referred to as "heady"? Well that is what this section does for laid off people like me. Here are some terms that Wikipedia suggests that I try: downsized, rightsized, smartsized, redeployed, workforce reduced, workforce optimized, simplification, force shaping, and reduction in force.
Again, thanks a fucking lot Wikipedia. Workforce Optimized? Really? Further down it read: "Look Bunktown, sometimes you just gotta cut off the fat. Don't be such a smelly douche about it." Well, maybe that part isn't true, but nevertheless, I am still unhappy with the term "Laid off", as well as the majority of it's euphemisms.
One euphy (that's what I am calling euphemisms now, feel free to join me in spreading the new slang, another thing I now have plenty of time for) that I actually did like though, was redeployed. I actually liked that one a lot. I like the idea of being deployed in the first place. As if I had been sent to KJR by the Army on a reconnaissance mission. Now that I had served my tour of duty under the Panzer Group that was Groz and Gas, I am being reassigned. What I like best about the term redeployed though, is what I'll be doing on my new mission. Golfing.
You see, while this truly does suck huge gorilla balls, there is a silver lining for me. It's called severance, and it's the greatest thing in the world. It makes no logical sense whatsoever, but at the same time this is the same company that paid me to watch Mariners games, so what do they know about sense. Basically, they are going to pay me my same salary for the next 9 months, and I get my health benefits for another 18 months.
Join me now for a reenactment of what I imagine was the meeting leading up to my dismissal.
My Boss: Well, we are going to have to let a few people go...you know lay them off.
My other boss: Yeah, this is really too bad. This economy really sucks.
First boss: Yeah, this is going to be so hard. Hey! I have an idea!
Second boss: Really? You have a solution?
First boss: Yeah. Why don't we redeploy Andy Bunker to the golf course.
Second boss: What? How will that help?
First boss: No, no. I'm not finished. We will send him to the golf course, but we'll still pay him his same salary, and give him health benefits.
Second boss: I don't know if that's going to solve our financial problems.
First boss: Of course it will. We'll just keep paying him not to work here anymore. And since he will still be getting paid, not to work, he can just focus all his time and energy on golf and not have to worry about getting another job. And...if he's lucky, he can apply for unemployment too, so he'll actually be making more money than we he worked here.
Second boss: You're obviously joking.
First boss: Nope. It's final. Recession over.
Alright. Now that I've had a little fun at the expense of the situation, and the people involved in making these insanely hard decisions, let's talk seriously for a little bit. This blog started because I got an internship on the David Locke Show in the Summer or 2005, and a few of my friends wanted to hear about the funny stuff that I had to do as an intern. From getting Norm Charleton Chinese food from Safeway every night (he loves their General Tso's) to being verbally and emotionally abused by Too Short. I called it Road to the BigTime to make fun of what I was dubbing "my journey to the top of the Seattle Sports Scene." The Road has encountered quite the speed bump this week. Anybody who knows me knew just how much I loved my job, and not being able to do it anymore is really going to be tough. And even though I plan to make a lot of fun of a lot of the people that I worked with at KJR, they were my family I love them for everything. Anyway, I want to say thanks to all the people who have sent me emails, or facebook messages, or bought me shots, or just hung out with me over the past few days. Everyone knows the economy is in shambles right now, and lots of things are changing, it's nice to know that friends don't rise and fall with the fate of the stock market.
Alright, enough of that sentimental BS...what is this a blog about Brett Favre or something? He wears Wranglers by the way. Let's get back that Silver Lining stuff. As I was saying earlier, I have a wealth of free time on my hands now. And along with shaving some strokes off the old handicap, I intend to get this blog back on track. You may have noticed that I am back on blogspot and no longer on Bunktown.com. There are a couple reasons for that: first, I think that whole thing was a bit ambitious, I'm not sure that I need an entire website dedicated to me calling people douche bags and lamenting about the Sonics. Second, I forgot to pay the URL dues, so they canceled my account. Se la vie, back to blogspot it is. I am not sure if I should still call it Road to the BigTime, since I am not exactly working towards anything right now. When it started I was writing for my college buddies, the economy was thriving, and we were all pretty sure we were all going to be rich and famous. Now we're all unemployed, the economy is in worse shape than Vin Baker, and we are hoping they start taking Bachelor of Arts Degrees at Safeway instead of actual money. Maybe I should rename it "Broken Down Car on the Side of the Road to the BigTime."
Anyway, I'm going to do my best to resurrect the blog. Maybe I can even guilt Gas into mentioning it on the air. Another thing that I want to try to do is get the Podcast back going. I have a few more phone numbers than I used to, so maybe we can get some funny conversations with me and some Seattle Sports Guys on tape. At the very least you can read me bashing people unfairly again.
So I didn't get laid off, I got redeployed. I hope you all like reading about how my short game is coming along.
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