Start with a Bang, or a Sucker Punch

Welcome to the wonderful world of Bunktown the blogger!! William Hung has a blog, why shouldn't I? I have to be honest with you though, I am pretty nervous about this. The thought that the things that I am writing are going to be accessible to everyone, and saved forever is both great and scary. In 50 years we will no longer get to gather the grandkids around the dinner table to tell stories of our youth, they'll just google our blogs and read about how we used to get blacked out at "mug club" (Irish Emmigrant, Tuesday nights...holla) and play "Fight Night" until 4am. That being said, I want to make it clear that nothing will change as far as content goes. I will still make clear my assumptions about the size of Manny and Bron Bron's pieces, respectively. I will not stop trying to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Shaun Alexander is the John Amechi of the NFL. I will definitely not stop referencing things that only one or two people will understand, even if it makes my joke or my story less funny. It's funny to me, and Jaxin. I won't be any nicer to or more accepting of: A) White basketball players, B) the San Antonio Spurs, or as I like to call them, the UN, or C) sports writers with terrible comb overs. That brings me to the topic of my first "real" blog.

I am long over due for a list, plus I wanted to start this thing off with a bang, so I am seizing this occasion to start an annual tradition. It was about this time last year that I released my list of the "Top 10 Famous People I'd like to Sucker Punch." I got this idea from my buddy Jonah, and I love it because unlike when people talk about wanting to fight athletes or celebrities, who they probably couldn't win a fight against, this is list of guys I want to cheap shot. A sucker punch is way more disrespectful, plus even though I probably can't beat up any professional athletes, I could sucker punch anybody.

Like I said, I did this last year. And now that I have an official blog, I am going to start my first annual special. This is the type of list that needs to be updated yearly because year to year the people that I hate are different. Here's an example. Last year Willie Bloomquist was number three on my list, but now he's batting .290 with an OPS of nearly 100 and not upsetting me nearly as much. As of right now, I have no desire to sucker punch Willie Bloomquist. If that isn't the perfect intro to this year's list then Mike Vick is the new president of the Westminster Kennel Club.

So, without further ado, the 2007 list:

"The Top 10 Famous People I'd Like to Sucker Punch"

Honorable Mentions- Phil Mikelson, Jeremy Schapp, Roger Clemens, Greg Nickels, Mike Vick

10. Howard Schultz- Just another in the long line of lame Seattle icons. The faces of our city are all nerdy white guys. I might not even sucker punch ol' Howard. I'd probably just walk right up to him, smack his Chai iced latte out of his hand, and square up. But I'm not mad at him because he lamely represents our city, you don't see Bill Gates or Paul Allen on this list, no no, I hate Howard Schultz because he doesn't give a flying fuck about the city. As heroic as he looked five years ago when he bought the Sonics, he looks a hundred times as bad today. Let's look at the stats: Owned the team for five years, and only made the playoffs once. He bought the team knowing he had the worst arena deal in the league, then immediately began to hold the city hostage, threatening to sell the team if he didn't get a new arena. Then, after five years of whining, he claimed losses, and got the NBA's approval to sell. When in fact he, and the other four investors that bought the team, doubled their money. If that was the end, he'd be okay. But no, he sold the team to a guy that so obviously wanted to move the team that he showed up for his first day of ownership in a U-Haul van. How can you sell out your own city like that?

9. Jeremy Stevens- I almost feel bad sucker punching this guy, since he has so successfully punched himself into submission over the past year, but I'll suck it up. How STUPID do you have to be to get a DUI when you are a free agent in the prime of your career, in a year where the market is at an all time high for tight ends? Jeremy Stevens stupid, that's how stupid. Maybe I'm still a little mad about the Super Blow (not a typo), but I was ready to forgive. We all were. We were all ready to forget about the DUI in college where he crashed his car into an old folks home. We were ready to forget about the rape allegations senior year at UW. We were ready to forget about the fight he got into with a teammate as a rookie. And yes, we were ready to forget and forgive about the Super Bowl. But at the most important moment of his life, he blew it. I bet he tears it up in the CFL though.

8. Skip Bayless- If you don't know him, he is a sports writer, who works for ESPN and co-hosts the show "First and Ten". I'm going to get away from the factual arguments and reasons I used to explain sucker punches 9 and 10, and get back to what makes "Road to the BigTime" so fun...the unfounded hate. Skip Bayless looks like a pissed off skeleton. You know when people never smile for their whole life, and the wrinkles on their face are in a permanent frown? Yeah, that's Skip. Basically he is the leader of the sports writers witch hunt that is the Barry Bonds story. You'd think Barry got both Skip's wife and daughter pregnant, then aborted the babies by hitting them into McCovey Cove. I don't know if Skip can smile, or laugh, or even love. And who needs people like that. Thus, I want to punch him while he isn't looking.

7. Tony Parker- Rarely will I hate on a guy if he has a summer as good as Tony's. Won his second ring, married one of the hottest women in Hollywood, and dropped a rap album. If it where anybody else, ANYBODY, I'd be on his jock. But it isn't anybody else, it's Tony Parker. The flopping, French fuck, who makes Kobe Bryant's rap CD look like "All Eye's on Me." Now, I know that a lot of my disdain for him is compounded by the fact that he is the President of the UN, you know what I mean, but I am pretty sure I'd still hate him even if he was a Sonic. Do you remember that skit on "All That" where Keenen Thompson played Pierre Escargo, and ended every sentence with that loud French laugh? In my mind that is how Tony Parker talks. I maybe a little jealous of him...just a little though.

6. Tom Donaghy- I guess me punching him in the face won't really do a whole lot of good at this point, since he's more than likely gonna be swimming with the fishes after he gives up the name of the guys that he was in debt to, but I'd probably do it anyway. It is a sad sad day when the NBA looks like a bad episode of the Sopranos. I can't wait until Tony Cornheiser and Mike Wilbon spend 5 Good Minutes with Pauly Walnuts. What a disaster. With quality of play slipping and playoff ratings going down faster than Paris Hilton, an "integrity of the game" scandal was the last thing the NBA needed. Maybe we should be sucker punching the guys on the NBA referee hiring committee for over looking this guys history of gambling debt, and money problems. What will he do now, assuming he somehow avoids a shallow grave somewhere outside of Vegas? Actually who cares.

5. T-Pain/Akon/Neo- All three of these fucks. Rap in 2007 is essentially rock in 1982. Let me explain. All the pioneers of Rap are either retired, dead, or still around making really crappy songs like "You and Dat Booty." They have been negatively influenced by trying evolve and keep up with the new age of hip-hop, which for some reason is heavily synthesized, much like rock of the early 80's, and now everything sucks. Remember when Led Zepplin made the song "All of my Love", yeah it's pretty much like that. And I blame T-Pain, Akon, and Neo. All their shitty synthesized choruses and crappy generic beats. Akon used to be cool too. A synthesized sucker punch to all three of them.

4. Chris Angel- I hope that you guys have seen this jerk. The newest of the reality magic magicians. All black clothes, dread locks, bad chains, and a Zen-like self satisfied annoyance that rivals Mathew McConaughey. I didn't think I would ever take David Blane's side in any fight ever. But I'm with him on this one. I wanted to make some sort of mildly clever play on his title, "Mindfreak", but before I could I inexplicably punched myself in the face. I believe my mind is officially freaked.

3. Lindsay Lohan- Another person that has been sucker punching the shit out of themselves lately. Hey Lindsay, I know who killed you too. You did. Look at it like this. She got a DUI (her second) the other day, and cocaine possession. It cost her $25,000 to post bail. If anyone who is reading this has any way of showing this to Lindsay please do so. Lindsay, pay me $20,000 and I'll drive you anywhere you want, all year. You save $5,000, end the risk of more DUI's, and gain a friend...me. It's that easy baby. Either that or keep getting sucker punched.

2. Sergio Garcia- I have always hated Serge. But he took it to a whole new level last weekend at the British. Phil Mikelson was without a doubt, my number one least favorite golfer, there wasn't even anybody in the building besides Phil. But now Phil has a roommate. A soft Spanish roommate named Sergio. It's one thing to crumble under the pressure of a major tournament, hell he's done that every time he's had the chance. We knew he was gonna crumble. But it was what he did after that that pissed me off.
Quote 1: "It is pretty hard to hit a shot when you have to wait 15 minutes in the fairway on 18." What's that Sergio? Was that an excuse. Oh, no. This...this is an excuse.
Quote 2: "I've seen people hit the pin. But when they do it, the ball either stops close to the hole, or goes in. For me it bounces 20 feet away. These things always happen to me." WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAA!!!! What a fucking pussy. Take your lumps you poor poor fuck. Maybe you lost because you putted like shit on Sunday. Or maybe because you only hit 10 fairways. Or maybe, just maybe, you choked like you always do. The universe is not conspiring against you. The golf gods are not all sitting around plotting to make sure you never with a major. You are simply not clutch. In fact you are the anti-clutch. You, your roommate Phil, A-Rod, Tony Romo, and Greg Norman, are the anti-clutch team. The ACT. And you pray to your god, Jean Van de Velde every night.

1. Clay Bennett- I most likely shouldn't be writing this, and I will definitely be regretting it when the lawyer for the Bennett family is reading it to me as I sit pathetically perched on the stand, the judge looking at me in disgust, Mrs. Bennett and the Bennett children collectively crying at the sight of the young man who killed their dad, but as I always say, you gotta blog what you gotta blog. Here is how it's gonna go. Clay Bennett is going to buy out of his lease at the Key Arena after we go 28-54, and load up that U-Haul van - next stop Oklahoma. I'm gonna forgo the urge to sucker punch him, because I flew past that emotion like a 16 year old boy in his dad's new Porshe. And when he is found, right next to Tom Donaghy, in the Nevada desert, don't go talk to Pauly Walnuts, holler at your boy.