It was a great first week of freedom. I slept in, I golfed, I drank to excess and I spent hours upon hours watching old World Series games on MLB Network (which is the greatest specialty network yet...blows NBA and NFL out of the water). Oh yeah, I also went to Palo Alto...where I golfed, drank to excess and partied with a bunch of law students who had just finished their finals. If you thought you partied in college after finals, you were having a tea party compared to these recently freed law students. They flat out get after it, and anyone who knows me knows I'm into that. Anyway it was a great week for me, and I have a few thoughts on what was a busy sports week, and some tales from what happens when you don't have a job.
Let's start with Manny. Anyone who has read this blog before is probably at least a little familiar with my feeling about Mr. Ramirez...and his anatomy. This whole thing is all very easy to explain when you apply my theory of Manny-tivity. Let's break this thing down a little bit.
Why does Manny wear baggy pants? Why does Manny fall down all the time? Why did he used to wear the number 24? Why does he stand in the batters box and watch his own home runs like an art critic in the Louvre?
All of those questions have the same answer. His is 4 times bigger than yours. Which explains why he was taking a women's fertility drug, that some men take to reduce testosterone. MOST men that take the drug human chorionic gonadotropin (HGC) are doing so to reduce testosterone levels after coming off of a steroid cycle. But as we all know, Manny is not MOST men. Manny is you, your dad, your brother and your neighbor. He is your entire carpool. It's only natural that he would have four times the normal male testosterone level.
I plan to submit this case to the MLBPA tomorrow, so worry not Dodger fans, Manny should be back by the weekend.
Alright, moving on to other non-male genitalia related stories, I want to talk about beer pong. Everyone knows what beer pong is, everyone plays it, and everyone loves it. Before my trip to Palo Alto I was guilty of the first two statements in the last sentence, but I never really loved it. Maybe it was due to the fact that I was overexposed to shirtless douche bags listening to Sublime while playing beer pong in college. Maybe it was due to the fact that most guys that are good at beer pong are good at little else, and I hate losing at physical activities to people with next to no physical gifts. Or maybe it was due to my tendency to try to reject certain aspects of the college culture in my post college days. Whatever the reasons may have been, I was dead wrong. Beer pong is awesome. I am sorry for any people that I may have offended over the years in avoiding the game, or denying it's play on my ping pong table. Later this week I'll tell the story of why I now love the game so much.
My trip to Palo Alto wasn't all golf and beer pong though. I actually did make one potentially productive step towards my future. Last Friday I was lucky enough set up a meeting with the Program Director of KNBR, the sports radio station in San Francisco. KNBR has such a strong signal that you can get it here in Seattle (it's 680 on your AM dial) and it's the home of the Giants and Warriors. I suggest you give it a listen, because their hosts are badass.
Anyway, the Program Director's name is Lee Hammer. So if I wasn't nervous enough about just meeting the big boss of one of the biggest sports radio stations in the country, I had to deal with the fact that his name is Mr. Hammer. It's a 45 minute drive from Palo Alto to Downtown San Francisco, and the whole drive I was imagining my meeting with Lee Hammer, the 6'5'' monster that would literally hammer my skull if he didn't like what I had to say. I pictured this huge hulk of a man hurling San Francisco sports trivia at me, just hoping I'd slip up so he could smash me. By the time I finally got to the station I was pretty sure I just drove 30 miles to get my ass kicked.
I was further tortured when I arrived 10 minutes early for my meeting, only to receive notice that Lee was running 15 minutes late, so I had an extra 25 minutes to think of ways that I could get "Hammered" by the Big Boss. After an excruciating half hour in the lobby, I was finally called into the office...to be murdered I was pretty sure. But what I was greeted by was not even close to what I had imagined. Lee Hammer wasn't 6'5''. He wasn't even 6 feet. He was about an inch shorter than me, bald, and the only thing that could have been read as intimidating was his all black outfit. Black slacks, with black Giants polo shirt. My fears had all but melted away, and we were headlong into a full fledged job interview.
"Your resume is strong. And if all the stuff you have on here is true, there is more than likely a place for you here at KNBR," said the unintimidating radio boss.
So, I'm moving to San Francisco.
No, no. I'm joking. But it was nice to hear that I may have that option if I want. I wasn't going into the meeting with the hope of getting a job, I just wanted Lee Hammer to know who I am when I apply for a job there in 10 years or whatever. I guess it worked out a little better than that. At the very least, I am no longer afraid of Lee Hammer, so that's good.
Now, on the to the most prevalent part of my trip to California, and my recent vacation in general. As you all know, I've been on vacation for 2 weeks now. And my major vow was to golf as much as possible, and blog here and there. While the blogging has been infrequent, the golfing has been anything but.
I got the chance to play the Stanford Golf Course while I was in Palo Alto, and more importantly I was lucky enough to play with a professional caddy named Juan Ramos. He has caddied for a couple guys on the Senior PGA Tour, and is currently bag jocking for a high school kid who is trying to qualify for the US Open. The difference that a pro caddy can make is amazing. After 3 holes, he knew pretty much what to tell me, and everything he said helped. I played great, I putted well, and I even made an eagle. It was on the par 5 7th, 498 yards which dog legged to the left. I cleared the corner with huge drive, and had about 173 yards to a back pin placement. I pured a 6 iron to about 45 feet, and drained the uphill putt for a clean 3.
As a matter of fact, I am playing quite well these days. I guess you would be too if you had played 13 of the last 14 days like I have, but I just want to relay how pleased I am with my game currently. I have a tournament this Sunday, I plan to relay the results to all of you via blog. Let's hope I play well, and if not let's hope I play hilariously bad.
Back to my trip. The whole point of the trip was to help my lady pack up her things after her first year of law school, and drive back up here in her car. She drives a 1994 Ford Taurus. It sucked. The company could not have been better, and the trip went very smoothly. But nonetheless, driving 1000 miles sucks. Further proof that NASCAR is crazy. Although had we been going 200 MPH it would have more fun...especially through the Siskiyous.
All in all it was a great trip. I hope to make more trips throughout the summer since as we all know, I have nothing but time on my hands. I plan to visit some pals in DC, and maybe try to see some ball parks on the West Coast. I will be sure to blog about anything that seems interesting.
I am about to watch Aaron Brooks and HIS Rockets play the Lakers in game 5. I hope he goes off again for a lot of reasons, but mostly just so Magic Johnson can freak out again on national TV. He was "embarrassed" by the way the Lakers played in game 4. And he knows a thing or two about being embarrassed...as you may recall he contracted HIV while cheating on his wife, boy was his face red. You know what's really embarrassing? Grown men who can't describe the game that they once thrived in. Magic Johnson is inarguably one of the greatest NBA players of all time. At the same time he can't form three consecutive sentences without sounding like a moron. He's terrible. He is a starter on the All Terrible Ex-Player Announcer Team (I know, a very clever name for the team). It consists of Eric Snow at the 1, Craig Ehlo at the 2, Magic at the 3, Chris Webber at the 4, and playing center is Todd McCullough. Sorry Todd, I love ya, but it's not pinball. Anyway, I hope Brooks busts the Lakers asses again so Magic can lecture them on national TV.
Until next time, try not to contract HIV while cheating on your wife, it's unbecoming.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
And Stay Out...
Well, as some of you know, I was "laid off" the other day. And now the rest of you know, because you just read it in the last sentence.
Laid off is a funny phrase to me. Honestly, I think it's a stupid phrase. It's a lot less like getting laid, and a lot more like getting offed. So, in an attempt to find a more suitable description for what happened to me, I consulted the Wikipedia. The Wikipedia almost always has something to say, and when it comes to layoffs, it has lots to say. This was Wikipedia's explanation for the origin of the term layoff: "Originally the term "layoff" referred exclusively to a temporary interruption in work, as when factory work cyclically falls off. However, in recent times the term can also refer to the permanent elimination of a position."
Great, so in this definition they refer not only to the fact that "temporary layoffs" are outdated, they also talk about factory work...which renders thoughts of GM and Ford and the city of Detroit as a whole...thanks a lot Wikipedia.
I was unhappy with what I found in Wikipedia's first paragraph on Layoffs so (this is something that before the layoff I would have never had time for, I was very busy all the time back then) I read on. I came upon the "Further Euphemisms" section. You know how shitty left-handed pitchers are described as "crafty", or slow white point guards are referred to as "heady"? Well that is what this section does for laid off people like me. Here are some terms that Wikipedia suggests that I try: downsized, rightsized, smartsized, redeployed, workforce reduced, workforce optimized, simplification, force shaping, and reduction in force.
Again, thanks a fucking lot Wikipedia. Workforce Optimized? Really? Further down it read: "Look Bunktown, sometimes you just gotta cut off the fat. Don't be such a smelly douche about it." Well, maybe that part isn't true, but nevertheless, I am still unhappy with the term "Laid off", as well as the majority of it's euphemisms.
One euphy (that's what I am calling euphemisms now, feel free to join me in spreading the new slang, another thing I now have plenty of time for) that I actually did like though, was redeployed. I actually liked that one a lot. I like the idea of being deployed in the first place. As if I had been sent to KJR by the Army on a reconnaissance mission. Now that I had served my tour of duty under the Panzer Group that was Groz and Gas, I am being reassigned. What I like best about the term redeployed though, is what I'll be doing on my new mission. Golfing.
You see, while this truly does suck huge gorilla balls, there is a silver lining for me. It's called severance, and it's the greatest thing in the world. It makes no logical sense whatsoever, but at the same time this is the same company that paid me to watch Mariners games, so what do they know about sense. Basically, they are going to pay me my same salary for the next 9 months, and I get my health benefits for another 18 months.
Join me now for a reenactment of what I imagine was the meeting leading up to my dismissal.
My Boss: Well, we are going to have to let a few people go...you know lay them off.
My other boss: Yeah, this is really too bad. This economy really sucks.
First boss: Yeah, this is going to be so hard. Hey! I have an idea!
Second boss: Really? You have a solution?
First boss: Yeah. Why don't we redeploy Andy Bunker to the golf course.
Second boss: What? How will that help?
First boss: No, no. I'm not finished. We will send him to the golf course, but we'll still pay him his same salary, and give him health benefits.
Second boss: I don't know if that's going to solve our financial problems.
First boss: Of course it will. We'll just keep paying him not to work here anymore. And since he will still be getting paid, not to work, he can just focus all his time and energy on golf and not have to worry about getting another job. And...if he's lucky, he can apply for unemployment too, so he'll actually be making more money than we he worked here.
Second boss: You're obviously joking.
First boss: Nope. It's final. Recession over.
Alright. Now that I've had a little fun at the expense of the situation, and the people involved in making these insanely hard decisions, let's talk seriously for a little bit. This blog started because I got an internship on the David Locke Show in the Summer or 2005, and a few of my friends wanted to hear about the funny stuff that I had to do as an intern. From getting Norm Charleton Chinese food from Safeway every night (he loves their General Tso's) to being verbally and emotionally abused by Too Short. I called it Road to the BigTime to make fun of what I was dubbing "my journey to the top of the Seattle Sports Scene." The Road has encountered quite the speed bump this week. Anybody who knows me knew just how much I loved my job, and not being able to do it anymore is really going to be tough. And even though I plan to make a lot of fun of a lot of the people that I worked with at KJR, they were my family I love them for everything. Anyway, I want to say thanks to all the people who have sent me emails, or facebook messages, or bought me shots, or just hung out with me over the past few days. Everyone knows the economy is in shambles right now, and lots of things are changing, it's nice to know that friends don't rise and fall with the fate of the stock market.
Alright, enough of that sentimental BS...what is this a blog about Brett Favre or something? He wears Wranglers by the way. Let's get back that Silver Lining stuff. As I was saying earlier, I have a wealth of free time on my hands now. And along with shaving some strokes off the old handicap, I intend to get this blog back on track. You may have noticed that I am back on blogspot and no longer on Bunktown.com. There are a couple reasons for that: first, I think that whole thing was a bit ambitious, I'm not sure that I need an entire website dedicated to me calling people douche bags and lamenting about the Sonics. Second, I forgot to pay the URL dues, so they canceled my account. Se la vie, back to blogspot it is. I am not sure if I should still call it Road to the BigTime, since I am not exactly working towards anything right now. When it started I was writing for my college buddies, the economy was thriving, and we were all pretty sure we were all going to be rich and famous. Now we're all unemployed, the economy is in worse shape than Vin Baker, and we are hoping they start taking Bachelor of Arts Degrees at Safeway instead of actual money. Maybe I should rename it "Broken Down Car on the Side of the Road to the BigTime."
Anyway, I'm going to do my best to resurrect the blog. Maybe I can even guilt Gas into mentioning it on the air. Another thing that I want to try to do is get the Podcast back going. I have a few more phone numbers than I used to, so maybe we can get some funny conversations with me and some Seattle Sports Guys on tape. At the very least you can read me bashing people unfairly again.
So I didn't get laid off, I got redeployed. I hope you all like reading about how my short game is coming along.
Laid off is a funny phrase to me. Honestly, I think it's a stupid phrase. It's a lot less like getting laid, and a lot more like getting offed. So, in an attempt to find a more suitable description for what happened to me, I consulted the Wikipedia. The Wikipedia almost always has something to say, and when it comes to layoffs, it has lots to say. This was Wikipedia's explanation for the origin of the term layoff: "Originally the term "layoff" referred exclusively to a temporary interruption in work, as when factory work cyclically falls off. However, in recent times the term can also refer to the permanent elimination of a position."
Great, so in this definition they refer not only to the fact that "temporary layoffs" are outdated, they also talk about factory work...which renders thoughts of GM and Ford and the city of Detroit as a whole...thanks a lot Wikipedia.
I was unhappy with what I found in Wikipedia's first paragraph on Layoffs so (this is something that before the layoff I would have never had time for, I was very busy all the time back then) I read on. I came upon the "Further Euphemisms" section. You know how shitty left-handed pitchers are described as "crafty", or slow white point guards are referred to as "heady"? Well that is what this section does for laid off people like me. Here are some terms that Wikipedia suggests that I try: downsized, rightsized, smartsized, redeployed, workforce reduced, workforce optimized, simplification, force shaping, and reduction in force.
Again, thanks a fucking lot Wikipedia. Workforce Optimized? Really? Further down it read: "Look Bunktown, sometimes you just gotta cut off the fat. Don't be such a smelly douche about it." Well, maybe that part isn't true, but nevertheless, I am still unhappy with the term "Laid off", as well as the majority of it's euphemisms.
One euphy (that's what I am calling euphemisms now, feel free to join me in spreading the new slang, another thing I now have plenty of time for) that I actually did like though, was redeployed. I actually liked that one a lot. I like the idea of being deployed in the first place. As if I had been sent to KJR by the Army on a reconnaissance mission. Now that I had served my tour of duty under the Panzer Group that was Groz and Gas, I am being reassigned. What I like best about the term redeployed though, is what I'll be doing on my new mission. Golfing.
You see, while this truly does suck huge gorilla balls, there is a silver lining for me. It's called severance, and it's the greatest thing in the world. It makes no logical sense whatsoever, but at the same time this is the same company that paid me to watch Mariners games, so what do they know about sense. Basically, they are going to pay me my same salary for the next 9 months, and I get my health benefits for another 18 months.
Join me now for a reenactment of what I imagine was the meeting leading up to my dismissal.
My Boss: Well, we are going to have to let a few people go...you know lay them off.
My other boss: Yeah, this is really too bad. This economy really sucks.
First boss: Yeah, this is going to be so hard. Hey! I have an idea!
Second boss: Really? You have a solution?
First boss: Yeah. Why don't we redeploy Andy Bunker to the golf course.
Second boss: What? How will that help?
First boss: No, no. I'm not finished. We will send him to the golf course, but we'll still pay him his same salary, and give him health benefits.
Second boss: I don't know if that's going to solve our financial problems.
First boss: Of course it will. We'll just keep paying him not to work here anymore. And since he will still be getting paid, not to work, he can just focus all his time and energy on golf and not have to worry about getting another job. And...if he's lucky, he can apply for unemployment too, so he'll actually be making more money than we he worked here.
Second boss: You're obviously joking.
First boss: Nope. It's final. Recession over.
Alright. Now that I've had a little fun at the expense of the situation, and the people involved in making these insanely hard decisions, let's talk seriously for a little bit. This blog started because I got an internship on the David Locke Show in the Summer or 2005, and a few of my friends wanted to hear about the funny stuff that I had to do as an intern. From getting Norm Charleton Chinese food from Safeway every night (he loves their General Tso's) to being verbally and emotionally abused by Too Short. I called it Road to the BigTime to make fun of what I was dubbing "my journey to the top of the Seattle Sports Scene." The Road has encountered quite the speed bump this week. Anybody who knows me knew just how much I loved my job, and not being able to do it anymore is really going to be tough. And even though I plan to make a lot of fun of a lot of the people that I worked with at KJR, they were my family I love them for everything. Anyway, I want to say thanks to all the people who have sent me emails, or facebook messages, or bought me shots, or just hung out with me over the past few days. Everyone knows the economy is in shambles right now, and lots of things are changing, it's nice to know that friends don't rise and fall with the fate of the stock market.
Alright, enough of that sentimental BS...what is this a blog about Brett Favre or something? He wears Wranglers by the way. Let's get back that Silver Lining stuff. As I was saying earlier, I have a wealth of free time on my hands now. And along with shaving some strokes off the old handicap, I intend to get this blog back on track. You may have noticed that I am back on blogspot and no longer on Bunktown.com. There are a couple reasons for that: first, I think that whole thing was a bit ambitious, I'm not sure that I need an entire website dedicated to me calling people douche bags and lamenting about the Sonics. Second, I forgot to pay the URL dues, so they canceled my account. Se la vie, back to blogspot it is. I am not sure if I should still call it Road to the BigTime, since I am not exactly working towards anything right now. When it started I was writing for my college buddies, the economy was thriving, and we were all pretty sure we were all going to be rich and famous. Now we're all unemployed, the economy is in worse shape than Vin Baker, and we are hoping they start taking Bachelor of Arts Degrees at Safeway instead of actual money. Maybe I should rename it "Broken Down Car on the Side of the Road to the BigTime."
Anyway, I'm going to do my best to resurrect the blog. Maybe I can even guilt Gas into mentioning it on the air. Another thing that I want to try to do is get the Podcast back going. I have a few more phone numbers than I used to, so maybe we can get some funny conversations with me and some Seattle Sports Guys on tape. At the very least you can read me bashing people unfairly again.
So I didn't get laid off, I got redeployed. I hope you all like reading about how my short game is coming along.
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