www.propadatafilms.com/podcasts/andy/podcastTest.xml
The Road to the BigTime has taken a small step for man, but a giant leap for Bunktown. I hope you enjoy my first podcast, it is very bad. Next week the production value will be much higher, I promise. For now, enjoy the content, Ben is funny. Just copy and paste the url to your navigator. It will send you to the podcast. I hope you like it.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Haitian Voodoo Rattle!?!
Every once in a while an announcer will lose his mind and act like he's at home watching the game with his friends. I always appreciate this for a few reasons: it means the announcer really loves the game, it is exactly what I would do if I were an announcer, and it is always hilarious. Over the years I have seen and been told of loads of great announcer slip ups, some I've seen live, some I've YouTubed, but until yesterday I'd never seen one this ridiculous. Before I get into my frog like dissection of this call, let me share with you some of my all time favorites.
The Band is on the Field- We've all seen this one. Often referred to as "the Game". The fact that the band was on the field was indeed crazy, but the announcer went nuts. I couldn't find the long clip, but in this one you get the picture. http://youtube.com/watch?v=WgZvkB_i0xc
That's Kinda Gay- This is one of the all time greats. It's a classic case of an announcer forgetting that he isn't in his living room with his buddies. http://youtube.com/watch?v=fXm5vTTTSzk
Appalachian State vs. Michigan- This is a great example of a commentator who decided that the game was so important that he'd forget the fact that he is supposed to give an objective account of the game. The guy is a fan, you can't fault him for that, still funny though.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=q5JPeJnRi6s
Howie Long- This is one of the best kinds of announcer mistakes. Whenever you deviate from the script you are bound to throw the rest of your crew off, but sometimes you just get tired of Joe Buck. And that is exactly what Howie Long did here. The best part is when Joe Buck asks him, "What are you doing?" http://youtube.com/watch?v=bhmhK5gEtf4
Plano East vs. John Tyler Texas State Final- Until today, this was my all time favorite clip of an announcer going totally unprofessional and bat shit over a game. This clip has it all because the game is amazing. The comeback is a thing of legend, but the behavior of the hilarious Texans calling the game is even better. At one point the color commentator says that he, "wet his britches." They break every rule of broadcasting in this four minute clip. http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZHkABO0VwCg
AND NOW....THE GRAND CALL.
Watch it first. Then read my annalysis, then listen again. It only gets better with time.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=IYkdPxRwPVA
In order for a call to achieve maximum points for hilarity, it's important that the play that is being described is great. In this case, Ronaldinho delivers. This goal is absolutely amazing, and without a doubt one of the best goals I've in a long time. That said, I think the announcer may have engaged in a little unwarranted hyperbole. (Shout out to Dan) Let's go call by call, and I'll explain why I love this call so much.
Before the goal even happens, there are hints of insanity in the announcers voice. As they are passing the ball around you can tell that he is the type of announcer who over reacts to even the most common of actions. Any play caller who refers to a team as "in top form" or "sintillating" is clearly looking to over dramatize the game. If you listen carefully you can hear him gasping with excitement at every touch of the ball leading up to the goal. This is great because it means that he is real fan and that this is more than just a job to him. But that doesn't mean he isn't crazy.
What I really want to know is what he is doing for the 10 seconds following the goal, when he allows his partner to describe Ronaldinho's magic. Traditional journalism would say he was acting professionally and waiting his turn to talk, but we know that isn't true because nothing this guy does following the pause falls into the category of Journalistic professionalism. My guess is that he was changing his "wet britches", no no, his wet knickers.
Then comes the call. And quite a call it was. He starts it off with an attention getting, semi clever comparison to the shock that is caused by a dryer in a bath tub. I liked that call. Clearly he had thought of it long before hand, and it was totally contrived, but nevertheless it was pretty funny. Then he decides to play one close to the vest and call the play "breathtaking." At first listen, I was a little thrown off my such a cliche, but when you realize what he follows it up with, it becomes obvious that he was pacing himself, as not to cause massive corrolary damage. The next call is bind blowing. A perfect mix of comedy, insensitivity, political incorrectness, and down right absurdity. I don't even know what it means, but for the rest of my life a great play will be known as "putting the Haitian Voodoo Rattle" on it.
He continues to run off what seems like every call he has ever come up with for the next 30 seconds, then the call takes an even funnier turn. After he is done spewing all of his hyperbolic nonsense, the camera pans to the crown reaction. He has clearly thrown all of his common sense to the wind at this point, and when the camera fixes on a young blond kid going nuts for Ol' Ronnie, he takes a shot at the kid. "And little blondie says, 'I wanna be like him,' I doubt it very much." Why would such a great goal make you want to degrade a kid, this guy is clearly bat shit insane.
The final minute of the call is more of a calm after the storm sort of vibe. Less screaming, less words, but still the excessive descriptions and comparisons. He calls him the soccer Jesus, then recoils into a post orgasmic ball. The only thing that sucks about this is that he can never call another game. He blew his entire collection of calls in a two minute period, sprinkled in with a little kid bashing and blasphemy, and his career is over. Never the less this is my favorite call of all time. With that said, I'm putting the Haitian Voodoo Rattle on this article.
The Band is on the Field- We've all seen this one. Often referred to as "the Game". The fact that the band was on the field was indeed crazy, but the announcer went nuts. I couldn't find the long clip, but in this one you get the picture. http://youtube.com/watch?v=WgZvkB_i0xc
That's Kinda Gay- This is one of the all time greats. It's a classic case of an announcer forgetting that he isn't in his living room with his buddies. http://youtube.com/watch?v=fXm5vTTTSzk
Appalachian State vs. Michigan- This is a great example of a commentator who decided that the game was so important that he'd forget the fact that he is supposed to give an objective account of the game. The guy is a fan, you can't fault him for that, still funny though.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=q5JPeJnRi6s
Howie Long- This is one of the best kinds of announcer mistakes. Whenever you deviate from the script you are bound to throw the rest of your crew off, but sometimes you just get tired of Joe Buck. And that is exactly what Howie Long did here. The best part is when Joe Buck asks him, "What are you doing?" http://youtube.com/watch?v=bhmhK5gEtf4
Plano East vs. John Tyler Texas State Final- Until today, this was my all time favorite clip of an announcer going totally unprofessional and bat shit over a game. This clip has it all because the game is amazing. The comeback is a thing of legend, but the behavior of the hilarious Texans calling the game is even better. At one point the color commentator says that he, "wet his britches." They break every rule of broadcasting in this four minute clip. http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZHkABO0VwCg
AND NOW....THE GRAND CALL.
Watch it first. Then read my annalysis, then listen again. It only gets better with time.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=IYkdPxRwPVA
In order for a call to achieve maximum points for hilarity, it's important that the play that is being described is great. In this case, Ronaldinho delivers. This goal is absolutely amazing, and without a doubt one of the best goals I've in a long time. That said, I think the announcer may have engaged in a little unwarranted hyperbole. (Shout out to Dan) Let's go call by call, and I'll explain why I love this call so much.
Before the goal even happens, there are hints of insanity in the announcers voice. As they are passing the ball around you can tell that he is the type of announcer who over reacts to even the most common of actions. Any play caller who refers to a team as "in top form" or "sintillating" is clearly looking to over dramatize the game. If you listen carefully you can hear him gasping with excitement at every touch of the ball leading up to the goal. This is great because it means that he is real fan and that this is more than just a job to him. But that doesn't mean he isn't crazy.
What I really want to know is what he is doing for the 10 seconds following the goal, when he allows his partner to describe Ronaldinho's magic. Traditional journalism would say he was acting professionally and waiting his turn to talk, but we know that isn't true because nothing this guy does following the pause falls into the category of Journalistic professionalism. My guess is that he was changing his "wet britches", no no, his wet knickers.
Then comes the call. And quite a call it was. He starts it off with an attention getting, semi clever comparison to the shock that is caused by a dryer in a bath tub. I liked that call. Clearly he had thought of it long before hand, and it was totally contrived, but nevertheless it was pretty funny. Then he decides to play one close to the vest and call the play "breathtaking." At first listen, I was a little thrown off my such a cliche, but when you realize what he follows it up with, it becomes obvious that he was pacing himself, as not to cause massive corrolary damage. The next call is bind blowing. A perfect mix of comedy, insensitivity, political incorrectness, and down right absurdity. I don't even know what it means, but for the rest of my life a great play will be known as "putting the Haitian Voodoo Rattle" on it.
He continues to run off what seems like every call he has ever come up with for the next 30 seconds, then the call takes an even funnier turn. After he is done spewing all of his hyperbolic nonsense, the camera pans to the crown reaction. He has clearly thrown all of his common sense to the wind at this point, and when the camera fixes on a young blond kid going nuts for Ol' Ronnie, he takes a shot at the kid. "And little blondie says, 'I wanna be like him,' I doubt it very much." Why would such a great goal make you want to degrade a kid, this guy is clearly bat shit insane.
The final minute of the call is more of a calm after the storm sort of vibe. Less screaming, less words, but still the excessive descriptions and comparisons. He calls him the soccer Jesus, then recoils into a post orgasmic ball. The only thing that sucks about this is that he can never call another game. He blew his entire collection of calls in a two minute period, sprinkled in with a little kid bashing and blasphemy, and his career is over. Never the less this is my favorite call of all time. With that said, I'm putting the Haitian Voodoo Rattle on this article.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
The Athlete Pyramid
I figure that since I've been slacking so badly on my duties as a blogger, I'd better dip into my vault of failsafe blog topics to attempt to redeem myself. I promise that I haven't just been sitting on my thumbs and doing nothing, there are a number of updates in the works, I am simply attempting to make "Road to the BigTime" more exciting. While I am confidant that my witty ramblings on Seattle's sports scene are plenty to quench the thirst of my loyal readers, I feel obligated to offer more. So stay tuned for a couple of new additions to the blog. In the mean time, let's discuss a topic that I find myself in the middle of at least once a week. As I generally do when I am attempting to impress or apologize, and since this blog is dedicated to doing both, I will be creating a list. But this list will be slightly different from some of the others that I've done. The traditional Top-10 style doesn't work in this case, so I will be enlisting the Athlete Pyramid. The format will resemble the food pyramid that our 4th Grade P.E. teachers lived and died by. The bottom has the most space, 6-10 spots reserved for athletes who deserve to be mentioned as great, but not the greatest we've ever seen. The next level is the fruit and vegetable group, 4-7 spots for athletes who's athleticism maybe deserving of a top spot, but who played sports that were less physically and athletically demanding. The next level is the meat and cheese group, 3-5 spots for the athletes who are truly great and are nearly the greatest. And then there is the top level, reserved for the sweetest, greatest most amazing athletes of this generation. There are no number restrictions when it comes to the top group, but as our P.E. teachers told us a thousand times, "Make sure you use them sparingly."
A few caveats before I unveil the pyramid. First, this is a measurement of athleticism, not of leadership, or character, or championships, we'll leave all that to other lists and focus this effort on physical greatness. Second, I am only 22: I haven't seen all that many athletes. This is a list of this generation, so hold off on the "what about Jim Brown or Babe Ruth or Willie Mays" questions. And last, calling golf, tennis, soccer and cycling the "fruit group" is funny, so chill out.
The Athlete Pyramid
Grain but not Greatest:
Mike Vick- Michael very likely would have been on a higher level had he given himself the chance to evolve for a couple more seasons, but instead of juking corner backs and shaking defensive ends, he'll spend the tail end of his prime in prison watching his back and guarding his end. Too bad.
Ronaldinho- Clearly not the best soccer player of all time, and in my opinion not even the best player of his generation, Ronaldinho has still been able to balance the rare combination of over the top flair and sound fundamentals into one of the most exciting packages in sports. The best part about watching this guy is that you never know what he's going to do next. But unlike Jason "White Chocolate" Williams or other guys who choose to be excessive in their actions, he is generally successful with his tricks. And while his flashiness made him famous, his skills make him great. You don't win back to back FIFA World Player of the Year Awards for no look passes and bicycle kicks, you need some substance too, of which he has plenty. And listen to this British announcer blow him down after this great goal. Granted, it is an amazing goal, but this guy goes nuts. Listen up, I think he says Haitian Voodoo rattle. http://youtube.com/watch?v=IYkdPxRwPVA.
Barry Bonds- Barry makes the pyramid not because he hit 756, and holds nearly ever offensive record in baseball history. In fact, his last five seasons, in my opinion, may have dropped him from a higher level on the pyramid. Remember back to the 90's: Before 756, before 73, before BALCO. Back when Barry was the first 40/40 guy NOT on steroids. Remember the 10 gold gloves he won. Remember that he was the only guy even close to being in Griffey's league. That alone earns him his spot on the pyramid. The guy was great, and even though he has spent the last 6 years cheating, lying and marring baseball's record books with asterisks' and suspicion, he deserves his due. We'll reserve the bottom left corner of the pyramid for Barry and Vick, they can keep each other company.
Peyton Manning- I have a major problem putting a pocket passer on the level with all of these super athletes, but Peyton deserves his props. He may not run a 4.3 or be able to dunk, but if you throw 50 TD's in a season you have a lot of talent. All of the athleticism in his body somehow found it's way into his right arm, but that arm is enough to earn him a spot in the pyramid. Let's just say that if we were playing a giant game of capture the flag with all the guys on the pyramid, Mia Hamm and Annika Sorenstam included, I'd pick Peyton last.
Randy Moss- Straight cash homie. There is no question as to why Moss makes this list. Two time West Virginia High School basketball player of the year on a team with future NBA starter Jason "White Chocolate" Williams (how did he get two shout outs in a piece on super athletes?), as well as all of the football accolades, Randy Moss is a freak. A super-freak to be exact. If he keeps up what he did in his first game as a Patriot, he'll be on one of the top levels of the pyramid by the time he retires. And I know that is what he's shooting for.
Shawn Kemp- His sperm should be on this list too. Don't be surprised when the entire 2016 Olympic swim team is a bunch of black guys named Kemp. He was a pretty amazing basketball player too. His athleticism only gets better with time also, because everyone forgets what a specimen he was. He only had about 7 good years, all in Seattle which is considered Southern Alaska by most of the national sports media. Every time "Best Damn" has a dunk list, every one freaks out over Shawn like they didn't see him in his prime. Had he played in New York or Boston, he'd be revered as one of the most amazing athletes ever. But he didn't, so my pyramid will have to be his patsy prize.
Reggie Bush- This is a guy who should, barring injury, be on the top level of this pyramid by the end of his career. He has everything Barry Sanders had, with a little more size, a team that doesn't play on astroturf, and a much better city to play in. Any body who can do a front flip into a sommersalt from the five yard line while running faster than 99.9% of the human population is a god. The best part about Reggie is that he's 22. We get to see at least 7 years of this guy tearing it up. I'll make sure to leave some room for Reggie atop this list.
Nate Robinson- A bit of a homer pick, but I have arguments. Anybody who can play two sports at a division 1 college is a freak. Especially if you aren't playing QB and pitcher. Nate was a starting DB as a freshmen, and quit football to become the starting shooting guard as sophomore. He still holds the WA State record for 100 meter hurdles, which is impressive, but when you realize that the hurdles are more than half as tall as he is, it is down right shocking. Plus he won the NBA dunk contest. He may never be a great basketball player, but as far as athletes go, he's in a rare class.
Dieon Sanders- Another two sport star, but this time it was two professional sports. Arguably the greatest cover corner of all time, and a certain NFL hall or famer, Dieon also batted over .300 four times in his pro baseball career. Prime Time led the league in interceptions three times, and it would have been more but teams avoided throwing to his side of the field. Plus, I'm a sucker for any person who sported a jerry curl in the early 90's.
Roy Jones Jr.- The guy won championships in four different weight classes. He held seven different titles (WBC, WBA, IBF, WBF, IBO, NBA and IBA) at one time, something no one else had ever done. In my opinion he is the greatest pound for pound fighter of all time. He won a silver medal at the 1988 Olympics, and by all accounts got robbed for the gold. Plus, he is on Team Jordan, which means that he is MJ's favorite boxer, and that is good enough for me.
Fruits and Vegetables:
Tiger Woods- Arguments can be made for Tiger being one of the greatest all around athletes of all time when you take into account all the things that he's done in his career: wins, dominance, money, majors, etc. My rebuttal: He's a golfer. He could win every golf match by 100 strokes, which he almost does, and I still wouldn't put him in the highest level of athletes. That is what this level of the pyramid is reserved for, athletes that are undoubtedly great, but play sports that require less athleticism. True, Tiger maybe a great athlete, but when you play a sport where guys like Phil Mickelson and John Daly win regularly, physical dominance isn't all that impressive. That said, Tiger is looking more and more like a linebacker, and if he continues to get bigger, we may have to rethink his spot in the pyramid. For now, he's the king of the fruits.
Roger Federer- If Tiger is the King, does that make Federer queen of the fruits? If you've seen the Gilette commercials, the answer to that question maybe yes. All kidding aside, he is the greatest tennis player I've ever seen. He has already won 11 grand slams, 3 away from Sampras' record, including 5 straight Wimbledon tournaments. It's hard for me to root for a Swiss guy who spends $800 for haircuts and wears a head band, but his greatness is undeniable. Plus, he continues to kill Andy Roddick, which is enough for me to love him.
Pete Sampras- I'm just going to come right out and say it, I love Pete Sampras. I used to love spending the first few weeks of my summer vacation as a kid watching Pete dominate Wimbledon. He has the most all time grand slams wins. He led the US team to the Davis Cup in 1994. And like Federer kills Roddick, Pete used to kill Agasi. And unlike Federer, Pete is American. In some sports I could care less what nationality the athlete is, tennis is not one of those sports. I only root for American tennis players. To be more specific, I only root for American tennis players named Pete Sampras, Serena and Venus Williams, and James Blake. But, like golf, tennis isn't as athletically challenging as other sports, so while I love Pete, he belongs in the fruits and vegetables category.
Lance Armstrong- Seven straight Tour de France titles. That's all that needs to be said. I'll admit that I don't know all that much about cycling, but riding a bike is hard. Especially when it's 100 degrees outside and your at 5,500 feet, and there are about a hundred angry Frenchmen chasing you. French people hate Lance more than they hate George Bush. And any time you can piss off a bunch of punk ass Frenchies, without bombing the middle east, it's a good day.
Mia Hamm- She is the greatest female soccer player to ever live. She is the all time goal scorer in international soccer history, male or female. And, she's married to NOMAAAAAHHH. Here is an admission that I thought I'd never fess up to. Let it be said that I am only admitting this to prove how much I respect Mia Hamm. I enjoyed watching the 1999 US Women's World Cup team more than I've ever enjoyed watching any other soccer team ever. They are one of my favorite teams of all time. Mia Hamm and the rest of that team were so exciting to watch that I actually skipped a little league baseball game to watch the final game versus China. Well, now that everybody knows that I'd better start making the blog more female friendly, because I just lost my male readers.
Annika Sorenstam- Well since no guys are reading anymore, let's talk about another great female athlete. All jokes aside, Annika Sorenstam is the Tiger Woods of womens golf. Or should I say, Tiger Woods is the Annika Sorenstam of men's golf. Either way, she is great. She's the all time wins leader, the all times major championships leader, and she has even made the cut in a few mens tournaments. She is the greatest women's golfer of all time, and anybody who is the greatest of all time their sport, and is a member of my generation in sports, is going to make the pyramid.
Meat and Cheese:
Ken Griffey Jr.- Like all of the members of the fruits and vegetables group, Griffey is the best player of his generation, but unlike them he plays a top tier sport. I consider myself lucky to have been a Mariners fan in the 90's because although I had to endure year after year of pathetic losing, I got to witness first had the greatness of "The Kid". He was the youngest player to hit 300 home runs and two years later, he was the youngest to 400. He won 10 consecutive Gold Gloves, and he was elected to 14 straight all-star games. Had he not been plagued by injuries in his time with the Reds, we'd be celebrating the breaking of Hank Aaron's 755 with Griffey, instead of loathing the mere mentions of Barry Bonds. (Is he dead by the way? I haven't heard Bonds talked about once since he broke th record.)
LDT- I'm gonna let it slide that it is LDT's personal fault that I lost to Ben Steitzer in fantasy football last week, because he is the best athlete to play in the NFL since Barry Sanders. LaDanian Tomlinson throws, runs and catches at least 30 TD's a year. It's a joke. He stiff armed the Denver Broncos safety's head off last year, broke the NFL record for TD's, and said Bill Belichek is a cheater. He could eventually be considered the greatest player in NFL history, for now he's on the second highest tier.
Kobe Bryant- 81. That's all I need to say. But I'll say more. He is a freak. He reverse dunks on guys heads for no reason. He's dunked on Yao, Shaun Bradley, Dikembe Mutombo, and every other 7'+ center alive. He has that rare desire to humiliate every one he plays against, and he often does just that. Whether you love him or hate him, there is no questioning his greatness.
Zinadine Zidane- Who? Oh yeah...that head butt guy. I am pretty sure that is going to be at least 90% of the people who read the blog's response to this selection. But please, allow me to explain. Zidane is the best player of his generation, and one of the top three best soccer players of all time, and had he not head butted that Italian Materazzi arguments for his being the best ever would already have started. He made two separate World Cup finals with France. He was the FIFA world player of the year twice. And he scored this goal, http://youtube.com/watch?v=GmN8zp5QDSI&mode=related&search=, which is good enough by itself to make at least the bottom level of the pyramid.
LeBron James- It's HUGE!! And in case you haven't heard, it's growing. In the past six months he has become exactly what we all wanted him to be. The 48 point game against the Pistons. The entire Olympic qualifying tourney. The ESPY's. All gold. This guy had more hype the movie "Godzilla", and unlike that piece of crap, he has lived up to it. Although it makes me sad to do this, you have to remember that he graduated high school in the 2003. That is the same year as me. Look what he's done in the past 4 years. Although, as far as I know he doesn't have a hilarious sports blog. Booya LeBron!! Also, he could play tight end for any team in the NFL and make the Pro Bowl.
Greatest:
Michael Jordan- I'm not going to waste your time explaining this one. We've all seen and heard everything there is to see and hear. If the average athlete is "Space Jam", Michael Jordan is "The Godfather."
Barry Sanders- YouTube this guy, and then try to tell me he isn't top five of all time. He was 5'8", 185 pounds, and played on very mediocre teams his whole career. Had the Lions not screwed him out of his money, he would hold every rushing record there is. He was everything that Reggie Bush, LDT and Mike Vick are, plus he had really cool shoes. (Remember the Nike's with the strap and the blue and black stripes...hella hard)
Bo Jackson- Another two sport star, but in this case we have a guy who was hall of fame caliber in both sports. Any body who can hit a baseball 500 feet, and run Brian Bosworth smooth over on Monday Night Football with in a month of each other is an all time great. Had he not had the hip injuries he'd be a first ballot Canton selection. And speaking of great shoes. The neon orange ones with the air bubble...great. Just look at the tapes of him at Auburn if you have any doubts about this guys abilities. He was a freight train that moved like a Ferrari.
Lawrence Taylor- He revolutionized football. A player who was as fast as a safety, but as strong as a lineman, who could catch like a wide receiver and hit like a tidal wave. Just as Joe Thiesman what his hits felt like. No one had ever seen a play like LT before. And without him we don't have Ray Lewis or Shaun Merriman or Brian Urlacher. Plus, he snorted coke of a strippers boob in "Any Given Sunday." LaDanian Tomlinson is one of the greatest athletes to ever live, but the fact that Lawrence Taylor existed means you can't call him LT. There is one, and only one LT.
So there's the pyramid.
A few caveats before I unveil the pyramid. First, this is a measurement of athleticism, not of leadership, or character, or championships, we'll leave all that to other lists and focus this effort on physical greatness. Second, I am only 22: I haven't seen all that many athletes. This is a list of this generation, so hold off on the "what about Jim Brown or Babe Ruth or Willie Mays" questions. And last, calling golf, tennis, soccer and cycling the "fruit group" is funny, so chill out.
The Athlete Pyramid
Grain but not Greatest:
Mike Vick- Michael very likely would have been on a higher level had he given himself the chance to evolve for a couple more seasons, but instead of juking corner backs and shaking defensive ends, he'll spend the tail end of his prime in prison watching his back and guarding his end. Too bad.
Ronaldinho- Clearly not the best soccer player of all time, and in my opinion not even the best player of his generation, Ronaldinho has still been able to balance the rare combination of over the top flair and sound fundamentals into one of the most exciting packages in sports. The best part about watching this guy is that you never know what he's going to do next. But unlike Jason "White Chocolate" Williams or other guys who choose to be excessive in their actions, he is generally successful with his tricks. And while his flashiness made him famous, his skills make him great. You don't win back to back FIFA World Player of the Year Awards for no look passes and bicycle kicks, you need some substance too, of which he has plenty. And listen to this British announcer blow him down after this great goal. Granted, it is an amazing goal, but this guy goes nuts. Listen up, I think he says Haitian Voodoo rattle. http://youtube.com/watch?v=IYkdPxRwPVA.
Barry Bonds- Barry makes the pyramid not because he hit 756, and holds nearly ever offensive record in baseball history. In fact, his last five seasons, in my opinion, may have dropped him from a higher level on the pyramid. Remember back to the 90's: Before 756, before 73, before BALCO. Back when Barry was the first 40/40 guy NOT on steroids. Remember the 10 gold gloves he won. Remember that he was the only guy even close to being in Griffey's league. That alone earns him his spot on the pyramid. The guy was great, and even though he has spent the last 6 years cheating, lying and marring baseball's record books with asterisks' and suspicion, he deserves his due. We'll reserve the bottom left corner of the pyramid for Barry and Vick, they can keep each other company.
Peyton Manning- I have a major problem putting a pocket passer on the level with all of these super athletes, but Peyton deserves his props. He may not run a 4.3 or be able to dunk, but if you throw 50 TD's in a season you have a lot of talent. All of the athleticism in his body somehow found it's way into his right arm, but that arm is enough to earn him a spot in the pyramid. Let's just say that if we were playing a giant game of capture the flag with all the guys on the pyramid, Mia Hamm and Annika Sorenstam included, I'd pick Peyton last.
Randy Moss- Straight cash homie. There is no question as to why Moss makes this list. Two time West Virginia High School basketball player of the year on a team with future NBA starter Jason "White Chocolate" Williams (how did he get two shout outs in a piece on super athletes?), as well as all of the football accolades, Randy Moss is a freak. A super-freak to be exact. If he keeps up what he did in his first game as a Patriot, he'll be on one of the top levels of the pyramid by the time he retires. And I know that is what he's shooting for.
Shawn Kemp- His sperm should be on this list too. Don't be surprised when the entire 2016 Olympic swim team is a bunch of black guys named Kemp. He was a pretty amazing basketball player too. His athleticism only gets better with time also, because everyone forgets what a specimen he was. He only had about 7 good years, all in Seattle which is considered Southern Alaska by most of the national sports media. Every time "Best Damn" has a dunk list, every one freaks out over Shawn like they didn't see him in his prime. Had he played in New York or Boston, he'd be revered as one of the most amazing athletes ever. But he didn't, so my pyramid will have to be his patsy prize.
Reggie Bush- This is a guy who should, barring injury, be on the top level of this pyramid by the end of his career. He has everything Barry Sanders had, with a little more size, a team that doesn't play on astroturf, and a much better city to play in. Any body who can do a front flip into a sommersalt from the five yard line while running faster than 99.9% of the human population is a god. The best part about Reggie is that he's 22. We get to see at least 7 years of this guy tearing it up. I'll make sure to leave some room for Reggie atop this list.
Nate Robinson- A bit of a homer pick, but I have arguments. Anybody who can play two sports at a division 1 college is a freak. Especially if you aren't playing QB and pitcher. Nate was a starting DB as a freshmen, and quit football to become the starting shooting guard as sophomore. He still holds the WA State record for 100 meter hurdles, which is impressive, but when you realize that the hurdles are more than half as tall as he is, it is down right shocking. Plus he won the NBA dunk contest. He may never be a great basketball player, but as far as athletes go, he's in a rare class.
Dieon Sanders- Another two sport star, but this time it was two professional sports. Arguably the greatest cover corner of all time, and a certain NFL hall or famer, Dieon also batted over .300 four times in his pro baseball career. Prime Time led the league in interceptions three times, and it would have been more but teams avoided throwing to his side of the field. Plus, I'm a sucker for any person who sported a jerry curl in the early 90's.
Roy Jones Jr.- The guy won championships in four different weight classes. He held seven different titles (WBC, WBA, IBF, WBF, IBO, NBA and IBA) at one time, something no one else had ever done. In my opinion he is the greatest pound for pound fighter of all time. He won a silver medal at the 1988 Olympics, and by all accounts got robbed for the gold. Plus, he is on Team Jordan, which means that he is MJ's favorite boxer, and that is good enough for me.
Fruits and Vegetables:
Tiger Woods- Arguments can be made for Tiger being one of the greatest all around athletes of all time when you take into account all the things that he's done in his career: wins, dominance, money, majors, etc. My rebuttal: He's a golfer. He could win every golf match by 100 strokes, which he almost does, and I still wouldn't put him in the highest level of athletes. That is what this level of the pyramid is reserved for, athletes that are undoubtedly great, but play sports that require less athleticism. True, Tiger maybe a great athlete, but when you play a sport where guys like Phil Mickelson and John Daly win regularly, physical dominance isn't all that impressive. That said, Tiger is looking more and more like a linebacker, and if he continues to get bigger, we may have to rethink his spot in the pyramid. For now, he's the king of the fruits.
Roger Federer- If Tiger is the King, does that make Federer queen of the fruits? If you've seen the Gilette commercials, the answer to that question maybe yes. All kidding aside, he is the greatest tennis player I've ever seen. He has already won 11 grand slams, 3 away from Sampras' record, including 5 straight Wimbledon tournaments. It's hard for me to root for a Swiss guy who spends $800 for haircuts and wears a head band, but his greatness is undeniable. Plus, he continues to kill Andy Roddick, which is enough for me to love him.
Pete Sampras- I'm just going to come right out and say it, I love Pete Sampras. I used to love spending the first few weeks of my summer vacation as a kid watching Pete dominate Wimbledon. He has the most all time grand slams wins. He led the US team to the Davis Cup in 1994. And like Federer kills Roddick, Pete used to kill Agasi. And unlike Federer, Pete is American. In some sports I could care less what nationality the athlete is, tennis is not one of those sports. I only root for American tennis players. To be more specific, I only root for American tennis players named Pete Sampras, Serena and Venus Williams, and James Blake. But, like golf, tennis isn't as athletically challenging as other sports, so while I love Pete, he belongs in the fruits and vegetables category.
Lance Armstrong- Seven straight Tour de France titles. That's all that needs to be said. I'll admit that I don't know all that much about cycling, but riding a bike is hard. Especially when it's 100 degrees outside and your at 5,500 feet, and there are about a hundred angry Frenchmen chasing you. French people hate Lance more than they hate George Bush. And any time you can piss off a bunch of punk ass Frenchies, without bombing the middle east, it's a good day.
Mia Hamm- She is the greatest female soccer player to ever live. She is the all time goal scorer in international soccer history, male or female. And, she's married to NOMAAAAAHHH. Here is an admission that I thought I'd never fess up to. Let it be said that I am only admitting this to prove how much I respect Mia Hamm. I enjoyed watching the 1999 US Women's World Cup team more than I've ever enjoyed watching any other soccer team ever. They are one of my favorite teams of all time. Mia Hamm and the rest of that team were so exciting to watch that I actually skipped a little league baseball game to watch the final game versus China. Well, now that everybody knows that I'd better start making the blog more female friendly, because I just lost my male readers.
Annika Sorenstam- Well since no guys are reading anymore, let's talk about another great female athlete. All jokes aside, Annika Sorenstam is the Tiger Woods of womens golf. Or should I say, Tiger Woods is the Annika Sorenstam of men's golf. Either way, she is great. She's the all time wins leader, the all times major championships leader, and she has even made the cut in a few mens tournaments. She is the greatest women's golfer of all time, and anybody who is the greatest of all time their sport, and is a member of my generation in sports, is going to make the pyramid.
Meat and Cheese:
Ken Griffey Jr.- Like all of the members of the fruits and vegetables group, Griffey is the best player of his generation, but unlike them he plays a top tier sport. I consider myself lucky to have been a Mariners fan in the 90's because although I had to endure year after year of pathetic losing, I got to witness first had the greatness of "The Kid". He was the youngest player to hit 300 home runs and two years later, he was the youngest to 400. He won 10 consecutive Gold Gloves, and he was elected to 14 straight all-star games. Had he not been plagued by injuries in his time with the Reds, we'd be celebrating the breaking of Hank Aaron's 755 with Griffey, instead of loathing the mere mentions of Barry Bonds. (Is he dead by the way? I haven't heard Bonds talked about once since he broke th record.)
LDT- I'm gonna let it slide that it is LDT's personal fault that I lost to Ben Steitzer in fantasy football last week, because he is the best athlete to play in the NFL since Barry Sanders. LaDanian Tomlinson throws, runs and catches at least 30 TD's a year. It's a joke. He stiff armed the Denver Broncos safety's head off last year, broke the NFL record for TD's, and said Bill Belichek is a cheater. He could eventually be considered the greatest player in NFL history, for now he's on the second highest tier.
Kobe Bryant- 81. That's all I need to say. But I'll say more. He is a freak. He reverse dunks on guys heads for no reason. He's dunked on Yao, Shaun Bradley, Dikembe Mutombo, and every other 7'+ center alive. He has that rare desire to humiliate every one he plays against, and he often does just that. Whether you love him or hate him, there is no questioning his greatness.
Zinadine Zidane- Who? Oh yeah...that head butt guy. I am pretty sure that is going to be at least 90% of the people who read the blog's response to this selection. But please, allow me to explain. Zidane is the best player of his generation, and one of the top three best soccer players of all time, and had he not head butted that Italian Materazzi arguments for his being the best ever would already have started. He made two separate World Cup finals with France. He was the FIFA world player of the year twice. And he scored this goal, http://youtube.com/watch?v=GmN8zp5QDSI&mode=related&search=, which is good enough by itself to make at least the bottom level of the pyramid.
LeBron James- It's HUGE!! And in case you haven't heard, it's growing. In the past six months he has become exactly what we all wanted him to be. The 48 point game against the Pistons. The entire Olympic qualifying tourney. The ESPY's. All gold. This guy had more hype the movie "Godzilla", and unlike that piece of crap, he has lived up to it. Although it makes me sad to do this, you have to remember that he graduated high school in the 2003. That is the same year as me. Look what he's done in the past 4 years. Although, as far as I know he doesn't have a hilarious sports blog. Booya LeBron!! Also, he could play tight end for any team in the NFL and make the Pro Bowl.
Greatest:
Michael Jordan- I'm not going to waste your time explaining this one. We've all seen and heard everything there is to see and hear. If the average athlete is "Space Jam", Michael Jordan is "The Godfather."
Barry Sanders- YouTube this guy, and then try to tell me he isn't top five of all time. He was 5'8", 185 pounds, and played on very mediocre teams his whole career. Had the Lions not screwed him out of his money, he would hold every rushing record there is. He was everything that Reggie Bush, LDT and Mike Vick are, plus he had really cool shoes. (Remember the Nike's with the strap and the blue and black stripes...hella hard)
Bo Jackson- Another two sport star, but in this case we have a guy who was hall of fame caliber in both sports. Any body who can hit a baseball 500 feet, and run Brian Bosworth smooth over on Monday Night Football with in a month of each other is an all time great. Had he not had the hip injuries he'd be a first ballot Canton selection. And speaking of great shoes. The neon orange ones with the air bubble...great. Just look at the tapes of him at Auburn if you have any doubts about this guys abilities. He was a freight train that moved like a Ferrari.
Lawrence Taylor- He revolutionized football. A player who was as fast as a safety, but as strong as a lineman, who could catch like a wide receiver and hit like a tidal wave. Just as Joe Thiesman what his hits felt like. No one had ever seen a play like LT before. And without him we don't have Ray Lewis or Shaun Merriman or Brian Urlacher. Plus, he snorted coke of a strippers boob in "Any Given Sunday." LaDanian Tomlinson is one of the greatest athletes to ever live, but the fact that Lawrence Taylor existed means you can't call him LT. There is one, and only one LT.
So there's the pyramid.
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