www.propadatafilms.com/podcasts/andy/podcastTest.xml
The Road to the BigTime has taken a small step for man, but a giant leap for Bunktown. I hope you enjoy my first podcast, it is very bad. Next week the production value will be much higher, I promise. For now, enjoy the content, Ben is funny. Just copy and paste the url to your navigator. It will send you to the podcast. I hope you like it.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Haitian Voodoo Rattle!?!
Every once in a while an announcer will lose his mind and act like he's at home watching the game with his friends. I always appreciate this for a few reasons: it means the announcer really loves the game, it is exactly what I would do if I were an announcer, and it is always hilarious. Over the years I have seen and been told of loads of great announcer slip ups, some I've seen live, some I've YouTubed, but until yesterday I'd never seen one this ridiculous. Before I get into my frog like dissection of this call, let me share with you some of my all time favorites.
The Band is on the Field- We've all seen this one. Often referred to as "the Game". The fact that the band was on the field was indeed crazy, but the announcer went nuts. I couldn't find the long clip, but in this one you get the picture. http://youtube.com/watch?v=WgZvkB_i0xc
That's Kinda Gay- This is one of the all time greats. It's a classic case of an announcer forgetting that he isn't in his living room with his buddies. http://youtube.com/watch?v=fXm5vTTTSzk
Appalachian State vs. Michigan- This is a great example of a commentator who decided that the game was so important that he'd forget the fact that he is supposed to give an objective account of the game. The guy is a fan, you can't fault him for that, still funny though.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=q5JPeJnRi6s
Howie Long- This is one of the best kinds of announcer mistakes. Whenever you deviate from the script you are bound to throw the rest of your crew off, but sometimes you just get tired of Joe Buck. And that is exactly what Howie Long did here. The best part is when Joe Buck asks him, "What are you doing?" http://youtube.com/watch?v=bhmhK5gEtf4
Plano East vs. John Tyler Texas State Final- Until today, this was my all time favorite clip of an announcer going totally unprofessional and bat shit over a game. This clip has it all because the game is amazing. The comeback is a thing of legend, but the behavior of the hilarious Texans calling the game is even better. At one point the color commentator says that he, "wet his britches." They break every rule of broadcasting in this four minute clip. http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZHkABO0VwCg
AND NOW....THE GRAND CALL.
Watch it first. Then read my annalysis, then listen again. It only gets better with time.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=IYkdPxRwPVA
In order for a call to achieve maximum points for hilarity, it's important that the play that is being described is great. In this case, Ronaldinho delivers. This goal is absolutely amazing, and without a doubt one of the best goals I've in a long time. That said, I think the announcer may have engaged in a little unwarranted hyperbole. (Shout out to Dan) Let's go call by call, and I'll explain why I love this call so much.
Before the goal even happens, there are hints of insanity in the announcers voice. As they are passing the ball around you can tell that he is the type of announcer who over reacts to even the most common of actions. Any play caller who refers to a team as "in top form" or "sintillating" is clearly looking to over dramatize the game. If you listen carefully you can hear him gasping with excitement at every touch of the ball leading up to the goal. This is great because it means that he is real fan and that this is more than just a job to him. But that doesn't mean he isn't crazy.
What I really want to know is what he is doing for the 10 seconds following the goal, when he allows his partner to describe Ronaldinho's magic. Traditional journalism would say he was acting professionally and waiting his turn to talk, but we know that isn't true because nothing this guy does following the pause falls into the category of Journalistic professionalism. My guess is that he was changing his "wet britches", no no, his wet knickers.
Then comes the call. And quite a call it was. He starts it off with an attention getting, semi clever comparison to the shock that is caused by a dryer in a bath tub. I liked that call. Clearly he had thought of it long before hand, and it was totally contrived, but nevertheless it was pretty funny. Then he decides to play one close to the vest and call the play "breathtaking." At first listen, I was a little thrown off my such a cliche, but when you realize what he follows it up with, it becomes obvious that he was pacing himself, as not to cause massive corrolary damage. The next call is bind blowing. A perfect mix of comedy, insensitivity, political incorrectness, and down right absurdity. I don't even know what it means, but for the rest of my life a great play will be known as "putting the Haitian Voodoo Rattle" on it.
He continues to run off what seems like every call he has ever come up with for the next 30 seconds, then the call takes an even funnier turn. After he is done spewing all of his hyperbolic nonsense, the camera pans to the crown reaction. He has clearly thrown all of his common sense to the wind at this point, and when the camera fixes on a young blond kid going nuts for Ol' Ronnie, he takes a shot at the kid. "And little blondie says, 'I wanna be like him,' I doubt it very much." Why would such a great goal make you want to degrade a kid, this guy is clearly bat shit insane.
The final minute of the call is more of a calm after the storm sort of vibe. Less screaming, less words, but still the excessive descriptions and comparisons. He calls him the soccer Jesus, then recoils into a post orgasmic ball. The only thing that sucks about this is that he can never call another game. He blew his entire collection of calls in a two minute period, sprinkled in with a little kid bashing and blasphemy, and his career is over. Never the less this is my favorite call of all time. With that said, I'm putting the Haitian Voodoo Rattle on this article.
The Band is on the Field- We've all seen this one. Often referred to as "the Game". The fact that the band was on the field was indeed crazy, but the announcer went nuts. I couldn't find the long clip, but in this one you get the picture. http://youtube.com/watch?v=WgZvkB_i0xc
That's Kinda Gay- This is one of the all time greats. It's a classic case of an announcer forgetting that he isn't in his living room with his buddies. http://youtube.com/watch?v=fXm5vTTTSzk
Appalachian State vs. Michigan- This is a great example of a commentator who decided that the game was so important that he'd forget the fact that he is supposed to give an objective account of the game. The guy is a fan, you can't fault him for that, still funny though.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=q5JPeJnRi6s
Howie Long- This is one of the best kinds of announcer mistakes. Whenever you deviate from the script you are bound to throw the rest of your crew off, but sometimes you just get tired of Joe Buck. And that is exactly what Howie Long did here. The best part is when Joe Buck asks him, "What are you doing?" http://youtube.com/watch?v=bhmhK5gEtf4
Plano East vs. John Tyler Texas State Final- Until today, this was my all time favorite clip of an announcer going totally unprofessional and bat shit over a game. This clip has it all because the game is amazing. The comeback is a thing of legend, but the behavior of the hilarious Texans calling the game is even better. At one point the color commentator says that he, "wet his britches." They break every rule of broadcasting in this four minute clip. http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZHkABO0VwCg
AND NOW....THE GRAND CALL.
Watch it first. Then read my annalysis, then listen again. It only gets better with time.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=IYkdPxRwPVA
In order for a call to achieve maximum points for hilarity, it's important that the play that is being described is great. In this case, Ronaldinho delivers. This goal is absolutely amazing, and without a doubt one of the best goals I've in a long time. That said, I think the announcer may have engaged in a little unwarranted hyperbole. (Shout out to Dan) Let's go call by call, and I'll explain why I love this call so much.
Before the goal even happens, there are hints of insanity in the announcers voice. As they are passing the ball around you can tell that he is the type of announcer who over reacts to even the most common of actions. Any play caller who refers to a team as "in top form" or "sintillating" is clearly looking to over dramatize the game. If you listen carefully you can hear him gasping with excitement at every touch of the ball leading up to the goal. This is great because it means that he is real fan and that this is more than just a job to him. But that doesn't mean he isn't crazy.
What I really want to know is what he is doing for the 10 seconds following the goal, when he allows his partner to describe Ronaldinho's magic. Traditional journalism would say he was acting professionally and waiting his turn to talk, but we know that isn't true because nothing this guy does following the pause falls into the category of Journalistic professionalism. My guess is that he was changing his "wet britches", no no, his wet knickers.
Then comes the call. And quite a call it was. He starts it off with an attention getting, semi clever comparison to the shock that is caused by a dryer in a bath tub. I liked that call. Clearly he had thought of it long before hand, and it was totally contrived, but nevertheless it was pretty funny. Then he decides to play one close to the vest and call the play "breathtaking." At first listen, I was a little thrown off my such a cliche, but when you realize what he follows it up with, it becomes obvious that he was pacing himself, as not to cause massive corrolary damage. The next call is bind blowing. A perfect mix of comedy, insensitivity, political incorrectness, and down right absurdity. I don't even know what it means, but for the rest of my life a great play will be known as "putting the Haitian Voodoo Rattle" on it.
He continues to run off what seems like every call he has ever come up with for the next 30 seconds, then the call takes an even funnier turn. After he is done spewing all of his hyperbolic nonsense, the camera pans to the crown reaction. He has clearly thrown all of his common sense to the wind at this point, and when the camera fixes on a young blond kid going nuts for Ol' Ronnie, he takes a shot at the kid. "And little blondie says, 'I wanna be like him,' I doubt it very much." Why would such a great goal make you want to degrade a kid, this guy is clearly bat shit insane.
The final minute of the call is more of a calm after the storm sort of vibe. Less screaming, less words, but still the excessive descriptions and comparisons. He calls him the soccer Jesus, then recoils into a post orgasmic ball. The only thing that sucks about this is that he can never call another game. He blew his entire collection of calls in a two minute period, sprinkled in with a little kid bashing and blasphemy, and his career is over. Never the less this is my favorite call of all time. With that said, I'm putting the Haitian Voodoo Rattle on this article.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
The Athlete Pyramid
I figure that since I've been slacking so badly on my duties as a blogger, I'd better dip into my vault of failsafe blog topics to attempt to redeem myself. I promise that I haven't just been sitting on my thumbs and doing nothing, there are a number of updates in the works, I am simply attempting to make "Road to the BigTime" more exciting. While I am confidant that my witty ramblings on Seattle's sports scene are plenty to quench the thirst of my loyal readers, I feel obligated to offer more. So stay tuned for a couple of new additions to the blog. In the mean time, let's discuss a topic that I find myself in the middle of at least once a week. As I generally do when I am attempting to impress or apologize, and since this blog is dedicated to doing both, I will be creating a list. But this list will be slightly different from some of the others that I've done. The traditional Top-10 style doesn't work in this case, so I will be enlisting the Athlete Pyramid. The format will resemble the food pyramid that our 4th Grade P.E. teachers lived and died by. The bottom has the most space, 6-10 spots reserved for athletes who deserve to be mentioned as great, but not the greatest we've ever seen. The next level is the fruit and vegetable group, 4-7 spots for athletes who's athleticism maybe deserving of a top spot, but who played sports that were less physically and athletically demanding. The next level is the meat and cheese group, 3-5 spots for the athletes who are truly great and are nearly the greatest. And then there is the top level, reserved for the sweetest, greatest most amazing athletes of this generation. There are no number restrictions when it comes to the top group, but as our P.E. teachers told us a thousand times, "Make sure you use them sparingly."
A few caveats before I unveil the pyramid. First, this is a measurement of athleticism, not of leadership, or character, or championships, we'll leave all that to other lists and focus this effort on physical greatness. Second, I am only 22: I haven't seen all that many athletes. This is a list of this generation, so hold off on the "what about Jim Brown or Babe Ruth or Willie Mays" questions. And last, calling golf, tennis, soccer and cycling the "fruit group" is funny, so chill out.
The Athlete Pyramid
Grain but not Greatest:
Mike Vick- Michael very likely would have been on a higher level had he given himself the chance to evolve for a couple more seasons, but instead of juking corner backs and shaking defensive ends, he'll spend the tail end of his prime in prison watching his back and guarding his end. Too bad.
Ronaldinho- Clearly not the best soccer player of all time, and in my opinion not even the best player of his generation, Ronaldinho has still been able to balance the rare combination of over the top flair and sound fundamentals into one of the most exciting packages in sports. The best part about watching this guy is that you never know what he's going to do next. But unlike Jason "White Chocolate" Williams or other guys who choose to be excessive in their actions, he is generally successful with his tricks. And while his flashiness made him famous, his skills make him great. You don't win back to back FIFA World Player of the Year Awards for no look passes and bicycle kicks, you need some substance too, of which he has plenty. And listen to this British announcer blow him down after this great goal. Granted, it is an amazing goal, but this guy goes nuts. Listen up, I think he says Haitian Voodoo rattle. http://youtube.com/watch?v=IYkdPxRwPVA.
Barry Bonds- Barry makes the pyramid not because he hit 756, and holds nearly ever offensive record in baseball history. In fact, his last five seasons, in my opinion, may have dropped him from a higher level on the pyramid. Remember back to the 90's: Before 756, before 73, before BALCO. Back when Barry was the first 40/40 guy NOT on steroids. Remember the 10 gold gloves he won. Remember that he was the only guy even close to being in Griffey's league. That alone earns him his spot on the pyramid. The guy was great, and even though he has spent the last 6 years cheating, lying and marring baseball's record books with asterisks' and suspicion, he deserves his due. We'll reserve the bottom left corner of the pyramid for Barry and Vick, they can keep each other company.
Peyton Manning- I have a major problem putting a pocket passer on the level with all of these super athletes, but Peyton deserves his props. He may not run a 4.3 or be able to dunk, but if you throw 50 TD's in a season you have a lot of talent. All of the athleticism in his body somehow found it's way into his right arm, but that arm is enough to earn him a spot in the pyramid. Let's just say that if we were playing a giant game of capture the flag with all the guys on the pyramid, Mia Hamm and Annika Sorenstam included, I'd pick Peyton last.
Randy Moss- Straight cash homie. There is no question as to why Moss makes this list. Two time West Virginia High School basketball player of the year on a team with future NBA starter Jason "White Chocolate" Williams (how did he get two shout outs in a piece on super athletes?), as well as all of the football accolades, Randy Moss is a freak. A super-freak to be exact. If he keeps up what he did in his first game as a Patriot, he'll be on one of the top levels of the pyramid by the time he retires. And I know that is what he's shooting for.
Shawn Kemp- His sperm should be on this list too. Don't be surprised when the entire 2016 Olympic swim team is a bunch of black guys named Kemp. He was a pretty amazing basketball player too. His athleticism only gets better with time also, because everyone forgets what a specimen he was. He only had about 7 good years, all in Seattle which is considered Southern Alaska by most of the national sports media. Every time "Best Damn" has a dunk list, every one freaks out over Shawn like they didn't see him in his prime. Had he played in New York or Boston, he'd be revered as one of the most amazing athletes ever. But he didn't, so my pyramid will have to be his patsy prize.
Reggie Bush- This is a guy who should, barring injury, be on the top level of this pyramid by the end of his career. He has everything Barry Sanders had, with a little more size, a team that doesn't play on astroturf, and a much better city to play in. Any body who can do a front flip into a sommersalt from the five yard line while running faster than 99.9% of the human population is a god. The best part about Reggie is that he's 22. We get to see at least 7 years of this guy tearing it up. I'll make sure to leave some room for Reggie atop this list.
Nate Robinson- A bit of a homer pick, but I have arguments. Anybody who can play two sports at a division 1 college is a freak. Especially if you aren't playing QB and pitcher. Nate was a starting DB as a freshmen, and quit football to become the starting shooting guard as sophomore. He still holds the WA State record for 100 meter hurdles, which is impressive, but when you realize that the hurdles are more than half as tall as he is, it is down right shocking. Plus he won the NBA dunk contest. He may never be a great basketball player, but as far as athletes go, he's in a rare class.
Dieon Sanders- Another two sport star, but this time it was two professional sports. Arguably the greatest cover corner of all time, and a certain NFL hall or famer, Dieon also batted over .300 four times in his pro baseball career. Prime Time led the league in interceptions three times, and it would have been more but teams avoided throwing to his side of the field. Plus, I'm a sucker for any person who sported a jerry curl in the early 90's.
Roy Jones Jr.- The guy won championships in four different weight classes. He held seven different titles (WBC, WBA, IBF, WBF, IBO, NBA and IBA) at one time, something no one else had ever done. In my opinion he is the greatest pound for pound fighter of all time. He won a silver medal at the 1988 Olympics, and by all accounts got robbed for the gold. Plus, he is on Team Jordan, which means that he is MJ's favorite boxer, and that is good enough for me.
Fruits and Vegetables:
Tiger Woods- Arguments can be made for Tiger being one of the greatest all around athletes of all time when you take into account all the things that he's done in his career: wins, dominance, money, majors, etc. My rebuttal: He's a golfer. He could win every golf match by 100 strokes, which he almost does, and I still wouldn't put him in the highest level of athletes. That is what this level of the pyramid is reserved for, athletes that are undoubtedly great, but play sports that require less athleticism. True, Tiger maybe a great athlete, but when you play a sport where guys like Phil Mickelson and John Daly win regularly, physical dominance isn't all that impressive. That said, Tiger is looking more and more like a linebacker, and if he continues to get bigger, we may have to rethink his spot in the pyramid. For now, he's the king of the fruits.
Roger Federer- If Tiger is the King, does that make Federer queen of the fruits? If you've seen the Gilette commercials, the answer to that question maybe yes. All kidding aside, he is the greatest tennis player I've ever seen. He has already won 11 grand slams, 3 away from Sampras' record, including 5 straight Wimbledon tournaments. It's hard for me to root for a Swiss guy who spends $800 for haircuts and wears a head band, but his greatness is undeniable. Plus, he continues to kill Andy Roddick, which is enough for me to love him.
Pete Sampras- I'm just going to come right out and say it, I love Pete Sampras. I used to love spending the first few weeks of my summer vacation as a kid watching Pete dominate Wimbledon. He has the most all time grand slams wins. He led the US team to the Davis Cup in 1994. And like Federer kills Roddick, Pete used to kill Agasi. And unlike Federer, Pete is American. In some sports I could care less what nationality the athlete is, tennis is not one of those sports. I only root for American tennis players. To be more specific, I only root for American tennis players named Pete Sampras, Serena and Venus Williams, and James Blake. But, like golf, tennis isn't as athletically challenging as other sports, so while I love Pete, he belongs in the fruits and vegetables category.
Lance Armstrong- Seven straight Tour de France titles. That's all that needs to be said. I'll admit that I don't know all that much about cycling, but riding a bike is hard. Especially when it's 100 degrees outside and your at 5,500 feet, and there are about a hundred angry Frenchmen chasing you. French people hate Lance more than they hate George Bush. And any time you can piss off a bunch of punk ass Frenchies, without bombing the middle east, it's a good day.
Mia Hamm- She is the greatest female soccer player to ever live. She is the all time goal scorer in international soccer history, male or female. And, she's married to NOMAAAAAHHH. Here is an admission that I thought I'd never fess up to. Let it be said that I am only admitting this to prove how much I respect Mia Hamm. I enjoyed watching the 1999 US Women's World Cup team more than I've ever enjoyed watching any other soccer team ever. They are one of my favorite teams of all time. Mia Hamm and the rest of that team were so exciting to watch that I actually skipped a little league baseball game to watch the final game versus China. Well, now that everybody knows that I'd better start making the blog more female friendly, because I just lost my male readers.
Annika Sorenstam- Well since no guys are reading anymore, let's talk about another great female athlete. All jokes aside, Annika Sorenstam is the Tiger Woods of womens golf. Or should I say, Tiger Woods is the Annika Sorenstam of men's golf. Either way, she is great. She's the all time wins leader, the all times major championships leader, and she has even made the cut in a few mens tournaments. She is the greatest women's golfer of all time, and anybody who is the greatest of all time their sport, and is a member of my generation in sports, is going to make the pyramid.
Meat and Cheese:
Ken Griffey Jr.- Like all of the members of the fruits and vegetables group, Griffey is the best player of his generation, but unlike them he plays a top tier sport. I consider myself lucky to have been a Mariners fan in the 90's because although I had to endure year after year of pathetic losing, I got to witness first had the greatness of "The Kid". He was the youngest player to hit 300 home runs and two years later, he was the youngest to 400. He won 10 consecutive Gold Gloves, and he was elected to 14 straight all-star games. Had he not been plagued by injuries in his time with the Reds, we'd be celebrating the breaking of Hank Aaron's 755 with Griffey, instead of loathing the mere mentions of Barry Bonds. (Is he dead by the way? I haven't heard Bonds talked about once since he broke th record.)
LDT- I'm gonna let it slide that it is LDT's personal fault that I lost to Ben Steitzer in fantasy football last week, because he is the best athlete to play in the NFL since Barry Sanders. LaDanian Tomlinson throws, runs and catches at least 30 TD's a year. It's a joke. He stiff armed the Denver Broncos safety's head off last year, broke the NFL record for TD's, and said Bill Belichek is a cheater. He could eventually be considered the greatest player in NFL history, for now he's on the second highest tier.
Kobe Bryant- 81. That's all I need to say. But I'll say more. He is a freak. He reverse dunks on guys heads for no reason. He's dunked on Yao, Shaun Bradley, Dikembe Mutombo, and every other 7'+ center alive. He has that rare desire to humiliate every one he plays against, and he often does just that. Whether you love him or hate him, there is no questioning his greatness.
Zinadine Zidane- Who? Oh yeah...that head butt guy. I am pretty sure that is going to be at least 90% of the people who read the blog's response to this selection. But please, allow me to explain. Zidane is the best player of his generation, and one of the top three best soccer players of all time, and had he not head butted that Italian Materazzi arguments for his being the best ever would already have started. He made two separate World Cup finals with France. He was the FIFA world player of the year twice. And he scored this goal, http://youtube.com/watch?v=GmN8zp5QDSI&mode=related&search=, which is good enough by itself to make at least the bottom level of the pyramid.
LeBron James- It's HUGE!! And in case you haven't heard, it's growing. In the past six months he has become exactly what we all wanted him to be. The 48 point game against the Pistons. The entire Olympic qualifying tourney. The ESPY's. All gold. This guy had more hype the movie "Godzilla", and unlike that piece of crap, he has lived up to it. Although it makes me sad to do this, you have to remember that he graduated high school in the 2003. That is the same year as me. Look what he's done in the past 4 years. Although, as far as I know he doesn't have a hilarious sports blog. Booya LeBron!! Also, he could play tight end for any team in the NFL and make the Pro Bowl.
Greatest:
Michael Jordan- I'm not going to waste your time explaining this one. We've all seen and heard everything there is to see and hear. If the average athlete is "Space Jam", Michael Jordan is "The Godfather."
Barry Sanders- YouTube this guy, and then try to tell me he isn't top five of all time. He was 5'8", 185 pounds, and played on very mediocre teams his whole career. Had the Lions not screwed him out of his money, he would hold every rushing record there is. He was everything that Reggie Bush, LDT and Mike Vick are, plus he had really cool shoes. (Remember the Nike's with the strap and the blue and black stripes...hella hard)
Bo Jackson- Another two sport star, but in this case we have a guy who was hall of fame caliber in both sports. Any body who can hit a baseball 500 feet, and run Brian Bosworth smooth over on Monday Night Football with in a month of each other is an all time great. Had he not had the hip injuries he'd be a first ballot Canton selection. And speaking of great shoes. The neon orange ones with the air bubble...great. Just look at the tapes of him at Auburn if you have any doubts about this guys abilities. He was a freight train that moved like a Ferrari.
Lawrence Taylor- He revolutionized football. A player who was as fast as a safety, but as strong as a lineman, who could catch like a wide receiver and hit like a tidal wave. Just as Joe Thiesman what his hits felt like. No one had ever seen a play like LT before. And without him we don't have Ray Lewis or Shaun Merriman or Brian Urlacher. Plus, he snorted coke of a strippers boob in "Any Given Sunday." LaDanian Tomlinson is one of the greatest athletes to ever live, but the fact that Lawrence Taylor existed means you can't call him LT. There is one, and only one LT.
So there's the pyramid.
A few caveats before I unveil the pyramid. First, this is a measurement of athleticism, not of leadership, or character, or championships, we'll leave all that to other lists and focus this effort on physical greatness. Second, I am only 22: I haven't seen all that many athletes. This is a list of this generation, so hold off on the "what about Jim Brown or Babe Ruth or Willie Mays" questions. And last, calling golf, tennis, soccer and cycling the "fruit group" is funny, so chill out.
The Athlete Pyramid
Grain but not Greatest:
Mike Vick- Michael very likely would have been on a higher level had he given himself the chance to evolve for a couple more seasons, but instead of juking corner backs and shaking defensive ends, he'll spend the tail end of his prime in prison watching his back and guarding his end. Too bad.
Ronaldinho- Clearly not the best soccer player of all time, and in my opinion not even the best player of his generation, Ronaldinho has still been able to balance the rare combination of over the top flair and sound fundamentals into one of the most exciting packages in sports. The best part about watching this guy is that you never know what he's going to do next. But unlike Jason "White Chocolate" Williams or other guys who choose to be excessive in their actions, he is generally successful with his tricks. And while his flashiness made him famous, his skills make him great. You don't win back to back FIFA World Player of the Year Awards for no look passes and bicycle kicks, you need some substance too, of which he has plenty. And listen to this British announcer blow him down after this great goal. Granted, it is an amazing goal, but this guy goes nuts. Listen up, I think he says Haitian Voodoo rattle. http://youtube.com/watch?v=IYkdPxRwPVA.
Barry Bonds- Barry makes the pyramid not because he hit 756, and holds nearly ever offensive record in baseball history. In fact, his last five seasons, in my opinion, may have dropped him from a higher level on the pyramid. Remember back to the 90's: Before 756, before 73, before BALCO. Back when Barry was the first 40/40 guy NOT on steroids. Remember the 10 gold gloves he won. Remember that he was the only guy even close to being in Griffey's league. That alone earns him his spot on the pyramid. The guy was great, and even though he has spent the last 6 years cheating, lying and marring baseball's record books with asterisks' and suspicion, he deserves his due. We'll reserve the bottom left corner of the pyramid for Barry and Vick, they can keep each other company.
Peyton Manning- I have a major problem putting a pocket passer on the level with all of these super athletes, but Peyton deserves his props. He may not run a 4.3 or be able to dunk, but if you throw 50 TD's in a season you have a lot of talent. All of the athleticism in his body somehow found it's way into his right arm, but that arm is enough to earn him a spot in the pyramid. Let's just say that if we were playing a giant game of capture the flag with all the guys on the pyramid, Mia Hamm and Annika Sorenstam included, I'd pick Peyton last.
Randy Moss- Straight cash homie. There is no question as to why Moss makes this list. Two time West Virginia High School basketball player of the year on a team with future NBA starter Jason "White Chocolate" Williams (how did he get two shout outs in a piece on super athletes?), as well as all of the football accolades, Randy Moss is a freak. A super-freak to be exact. If he keeps up what he did in his first game as a Patriot, he'll be on one of the top levels of the pyramid by the time he retires. And I know that is what he's shooting for.
Shawn Kemp- His sperm should be on this list too. Don't be surprised when the entire 2016 Olympic swim team is a bunch of black guys named Kemp. He was a pretty amazing basketball player too. His athleticism only gets better with time also, because everyone forgets what a specimen he was. He only had about 7 good years, all in Seattle which is considered Southern Alaska by most of the national sports media. Every time "Best Damn" has a dunk list, every one freaks out over Shawn like they didn't see him in his prime. Had he played in New York or Boston, he'd be revered as one of the most amazing athletes ever. But he didn't, so my pyramid will have to be his patsy prize.
Reggie Bush- This is a guy who should, barring injury, be on the top level of this pyramid by the end of his career. He has everything Barry Sanders had, with a little more size, a team that doesn't play on astroturf, and a much better city to play in. Any body who can do a front flip into a sommersalt from the five yard line while running faster than 99.9% of the human population is a god. The best part about Reggie is that he's 22. We get to see at least 7 years of this guy tearing it up. I'll make sure to leave some room for Reggie atop this list.
Nate Robinson- A bit of a homer pick, but I have arguments. Anybody who can play two sports at a division 1 college is a freak. Especially if you aren't playing QB and pitcher. Nate was a starting DB as a freshmen, and quit football to become the starting shooting guard as sophomore. He still holds the WA State record for 100 meter hurdles, which is impressive, but when you realize that the hurdles are more than half as tall as he is, it is down right shocking. Plus he won the NBA dunk contest. He may never be a great basketball player, but as far as athletes go, he's in a rare class.
Dieon Sanders- Another two sport star, but this time it was two professional sports. Arguably the greatest cover corner of all time, and a certain NFL hall or famer, Dieon also batted over .300 four times in his pro baseball career. Prime Time led the league in interceptions three times, and it would have been more but teams avoided throwing to his side of the field. Plus, I'm a sucker for any person who sported a jerry curl in the early 90's.
Roy Jones Jr.- The guy won championships in four different weight classes. He held seven different titles (WBC, WBA, IBF, WBF, IBO, NBA and IBA) at one time, something no one else had ever done. In my opinion he is the greatest pound for pound fighter of all time. He won a silver medal at the 1988 Olympics, and by all accounts got robbed for the gold. Plus, he is on Team Jordan, which means that he is MJ's favorite boxer, and that is good enough for me.
Fruits and Vegetables:
Tiger Woods- Arguments can be made for Tiger being one of the greatest all around athletes of all time when you take into account all the things that he's done in his career: wins, dominance, money, majors, etc. My rebuttal: He's a golfer. He could win every golf match by 100 strokes, which he almost does, and I still wouldn't put him in the highest level of athletes. That is what this level of the pyramid is reserved for, athletes that are undoubtedly great, but play sports that require less athleticism. True, Tiger maybe a great athlete, but when you play a sport where guys like Phil Mickelson and John Daly win regularly, physical dominance isn't all that impressive. That said, Tiger is looking more and more like a linebacker, and if he continues to get bigger, we may have to rethink his spot in the pyramid. For now, he's the king of the fruits.
Roger Federer- If Tiger is the King, does that make Federer queen of the fruits? If you've seen the Gilette commercials, the answer to that question maybe yes. All kidding aside, he is the greatest tennis player I've ever seen. He has already won 11 grand slams, 3 away from Sampras' record, including 5 straight Wimbledon tournaments. It's hard for me to root for a Swiss guy who spends $800 for haircuts and wears a head band, but his greatness is undeniable. Plus, he continues to kill Andy Roddick, which is enough for me to love him.
Pete Sampras- I'm just going to come right out and say it, I love Pete Sampras. I used to love spending the first few weeks of my summer vacation as a kid watching Pete dominate Wimbledon. He has the most all time grand slams wins. He led the US team to the Davis Cup in 1994. And like Federer kills Roddick, Pete used to kill Agasi. And unlike Federer, Pete is American. In some sports I could care less what nationality the athlete is, tennis is not one of those sports. I only root for American tennis players. To be more specific, I only root for American tennis players named Pete Sampras, Serena and Venus Williams, and James Blake. But, like golf, tennis isn't as athletically challenging as other sports, so while I love Pete, he belongs in the fruits and vegetables category.
Lance Armstrong- Seven straight Tour de France titles. That's all that needs to be said. I'll admit that I don't know all that much about cycling, but riding a bike is hard. Especially when it's 100 degrees outside and your at 5,500 feet, and there are about a hundred angry Frenchmen chasing you. French people hate Lance more than they hate George Bush. And any time you can piss off a bunch of punk ass Frenchies, without bombing the middle east, it's a good day.
Mia Hamm- She is the greatest female soccer player to ever live. She is the all time goal scorer in international soccer history, male or female. And, she's married to NOMAAAAAHHH. Here is an admission that I thought I'd never fess up to. Let it be said that I am only admitting this to prove how much I respect Mia Hamm. I enjoyed watching the 1999 US Women's World Cup team more than I've ever enjoyed watching any other soccer team ever. They are one of my favorite teams of all time. Mia Hamm and the rest of that team were so exciting to watch that I actually skipped a little league baseball game to watch the final game versus China. Well, now that everybody knows that I'd better start making the blog more female friendly, because I just lost my male readers.
Annika Sorenstam- Well since no guys are reading anymore, let's talk about another great female athlete. All jokes aside, Annika Sorenstam is the Tiger Woods of womens golf. Or should I say, Tiger Woods is the Annika Sorenstam of men's golf. Either way, she is great. She's the all time wins leader, the all times major championships leader, and she has even made the cut in a few mens tournaments. She is the greatest women's golfer of all time, and anybody who is the greatest of all time their sport, and is a member of my generation in sports, is going to make the pyramid.
Meat and Cheese:
Ken Griffey Jr.- Like all of the members of the fruits and vegetables group, Griffey is the best player of his generation, but unlike them he plays a top tier sport. I consider myself lucky to have been a Mariners fan in the 90's because although I had to endure year after year of pathetic losing, I got to witness first had the greatness of "The Kid". He was the youngest player to hit 300 home runs and two years later, he was the youngest to 400. He won 10 consecutive Gold Gloves, and he was elected to 14 straight all-star games. Had he not been plagued by injuries in his time with the Reds, we'd be celebrating the breaking of Hank Aaron's 755 with Griffey, instead of loathing the mere mentions of Barry Bonds. (Is he dead by the way? I haven't heard Bonds talked about once since he broke th record.)
LDT- I'm gonna let it slide that it is LDT's personal fault that I lost to Ben Steitzer in fantasy football last week, because he is the best athlete to play in the NFL since Barry Sanders. LaDanian Tomlinson throws, runs and catches at least 30 TD's a year. It's a joke. He stiff armed the Denver Broncos safety's head off last year, broke the NFL record for TD's, and said Bill Belichek is a cheater. He could eventually be considered the greatest player in NFL history, for now he's on the second highest tier.
Kobe Bryant- 81. That's all I need to say. But I'll say more. He is a freak. He reverse dunks on guys heads for no reason. He's dunked on Yao, Shaun Bradley, Dikembe Mutombo, and every other 7'+ center alive. He has that rare desire to humiliate every one he plays against, and he often does just that. Whether you love him or hate him, there is no questioning his greatness.
Zinadine Zidane- Who? Oh yeah...that head butt guy. I am pretty sure that is going to be at least 90% of the people who read the blog's response to this selection. But please, allow me to explain. Zidane is the best player of his generation, and one of the top three best soccer players of all time, and had he not head butted that Italian Materazzi arguments for his being the best ever would already have started. He made two separate World Cup finals with France. He was the FIFA world player of the year twice. And he scored this goal, http://youtube.com/watch?v=GmN8zp5QDSI&mode=related&search=, which is good enough by itself to make at least the bottom level of the pyramid.
LeBron James- It's HUGE!! And in case you haven't heard, it's growing. In the past six months he has become exactly what we all wanted him to be. The 48 point game against the Pistons. The entire Olympic qualifying tourney. The ESPY's. All gold. This guy had more hype the movie "Godzilla", and unlike that piece of crap, he has lived up to it. Although it makes me sad to do this, you have to remember that he graduated high school in the 2003. That is the same year as me. Look what he's done in the past 4 years. Although, as far as I know he doesn't have a hilarious sports blog. Booya LeBron!! Also, he could play tight end for any team in the NFL and make the Pro Bowl.
Greatest:
Michael Jordan- I'm not going to waste your time explaining this one. We've all seen and heard everything there is to see and hear. If the average athlete is "Space Jam", Michael Jordan is "The Godfather."
Barry Sanders- YouTube this guy, and then try to tell me he isn't top five of all time. He was 5'8", 185 pounds, and played on very mediocre teams his whole career. Had the Lions not screwed him out of his money, he would hold every rushing record there is. He was everything that Reggie Bush, LDT and Mike Vick are, plus he had really cool shoes. (Remember the Nike's with the strap and the blue and black stripes...hella hard)
Bo Jackson- Another two sport star, but in this case we have a guy who was hall of fame caliber in both sports. Any body who can hit a baseball 500 feet, and run Brian Bosworth smooth over on Monday Night Football with in a month of each other is an all time great. Had he not had the hip injuries he'd be a first ballot Canton selection. And speaking of great shoes. The neon orange ones with the air bubble...great. Just look at the tapes of him at Auburn if you have any doubts about this guys abilities. He was a freight train that moved like a Ferrari.
Lawrence Taylor- He revolutionized football. A player who was as fast as a safety, but as strong as a lineman, who could catch like a wide receiver and hit like a tidal wave. Just as Joe Thiesman what his hits felt like. No one had ever seen a play like LT before. And without him we don't have Ray Lewis or Shaun Merriman or Brian Urlacher. Plus, he snorted coke of a strippers boob in "Any Given Sunday." LaDanian Tomlinson is one of the greatest athletes to ever live, but the fact that Lawrence Taylor existed means you can't call him LT. There is one, and only one LT.
So there's the pyramid.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
The NASCAR Evolution
Have you ever gone into a situation with a very strict set of expectations, only to be so blown away by how wrong you were that you could hardly believe you ever felt the way you had in the first place? For example: your girlfriend is taking you to Thanksgiving to meet her family for the first time, and she warns you that her dad is a member of the NRA and her brothers are "protective", but by the end of dinner you're giving Fantasy Football advise and her dad is calling you "son". Well, that is exactly what happened to me today...so to speak. KJR had a live broadcast from the Skagit Motor Speedway today, little did I know I was in for the experience of a life time. Here is the story of how I transformed from a bonafide NASCAR hater to a member of the Number Nine Nation.
In order to understand how little I cared about NASCAR, here is a scale of interest by which to measure my apathy. I present the "Andy Bunker Scale of Intrigue". (10 being the best)
1- How many carbs are in this sandwich?
2- Are Brad and Angelina adopting again?
3- Did the Storm win?
4- Is this my drink?
5- How am I getting home?
6- Ben Steitzer getting his drivers licence
7- Barack or Hilary
8- Is Sportscenter on?
9- Friends/Family
10- Mariners in the World Series
NASCAR fell somewhere in between Brangelina and the Storm. I didn't hate it, I simply didn't care. I was amused by the side stories: Dale Jr. and his crazy step mom, every one hating Jeff Gordon, the wife on wife fist fight that broke out during a race between two drivers wives, etc. But as far as the sport itself, I'd rather have gone shopping with my girlfriend. My NASCAR interest level was firmly set at 2.5: Indifferent Non-observer.
In order to get to the Skagit Motor Speedway, you have to drive for nearly two hours north of Seattle on I-5. The outlook of the trip was pretty bright, due to the fact that we were driving up with the radio host (Ian Furness) and the Mariners game was on the radio. But an hour into the trip, the M's were down 3-1 and the mood was very sour at the prospect of being swept by the Angels at home, in the biggest series we've had in 5 years. It seemed that nothing was going to be able to pull us out of the funk that the Mariners had dropped on us. It was like a reverse "Funk Blast". Just then, a pickup truck, that was raised about three feet higher than normal, whizzed past us as the driver honked and pumped his fist. On the rear window was a Number Nine sticker (Kasey Kahne's car number) and a sign that read, "Show me your tits!" Before we were done laughing at the guy, another truck passed us, the driver looked like a carbon copy of the first, giving us a thumbs up and sporting a "TAILGATER'S BEWARE: Driver Chews Tobacco" bumper sticker. By the time we passed Everett, it was an all out drag race. Trucks left and right covered in NASCAR gear, and not so clever bumper stickers. It was clear that we were not the only ones headed to the SMSW. Based mainly on the bumper stickers my NASCAR interest level had risen ever so slightly to a 3.3: Sarcastic enthusiasm.
After an hour and forty-five minutes of driving, the M's were down 5-2 and we had reached our exit. The only sign of life off of the exit was the Skagit Valley Gas Station and a sign that read, "Skagit Motor Speedway: 2 miles". We followed the Mapquest directions along a windy road, deep into the hills of Skagit county, and just as we were beginning to wonder if we were lost we came upon a sight that I can only describe as an oasis. Just as you crest the hill, the trees break and the vast opening gives way to trailers and trucks and RVs as far as the eye can see. Full family sized campers covered in orange and black Tony Stewart logos. Peoples' cars painted and stickered to look just like Kasey Kahne's number 9 car. And more unbelievable bumper stickers than I could ever imagine. For the first time in my life I knew why John Melencamp wrote "This is Our Country". NASCAR interest level, 4.2: Skeptical Amazement.
We set up our broadcast tent behind the main grandstand. As I was pulling the tent out, getting ready to raise it to an upright position, a twangy voice shouted into my ear, "How big is that thing?" Before I could turn around to greet the shouting man, another voice chimed in with his estimation, "I bet that thing is a 10, maybe a 20...dang, I never seen a 20 before." I quickly realized they were discussing the size of our tent, and being that I am very familiar with it, I responded, "It is 10 by 15." This was earth shattering news to Jim and George, two brothers from Mt. Vernon. "I didn't know they was making 15's," Jim marveled. "We need to get us one of them. Is it sturdy?" Not five minutes into my stay at the SMSW, and I was facilitating an full on tent forum. "Yeah, it's pretty nice. This one is couple of years old, but it still works well." I couldn't tell if they were amazed by the fact that it had held up for so long, or that 15's had been out for two full years and they hadn't heard, but they were both shocked. "We got to get us one of them," George giddily chuckled, breaking the silence, and they were off to find seats. Welcome to the Skagit Motor Speedway. NASCAR interest level, still 4.2. Tent interest level, 10.
Over the past three years of working for KJR, I have become a master at creating games to pass the time while the radio host is on the air, and I have next to nothing to do. The game I came up with today was my finest ever. From our position behind the grandstand we were in direct sight of the front gates, and the line to get in had become something of a swarming heard of tank tops and jean shorts. In order to get into the seating area, everyone had to pass directly in front of our table, perfect promotional positioning, but also perfect positioning for people watching. The game was Mullets vs. Fu Man Chews. I had mullets, Brad the intern had Man Chews, we kept a running count of each, and the winner got a Coke. When Ian Furness got wind of the contest, he took it to the air waves. Giving updates at the top and bottom of every hour. Listeners were calling in asking what the count was. One guy showed up at the SMSW and told us that he and his dad were driving, and nearly drove off the road with laughter when they heard what we were counting. The final count was
,
46 mullets,
and 62 Fu Man Chews,
Brad won the Coke. But in the long run, everyone was a winner. NASCAR interest level, 5.5: Blossoming Wonder.
As the afternoon wore on, we had the chance to talk to a number different people about why they like racing so much. And to be honest the enthusiasm that these fans were showing was a lot more intense than anything I've ever seen at Safeco. There was a line as long as a football field outside of Kasey Kahne's trailer for autographs. And the gear these fans were sporting was out of this world.
Tony Stewart's number 20 car, doubling as a hilarious hat.
Number 20 ear muffs. Tony Stewart protects people from premature deafness.
NASCAR interest level, 6.5: Genuine Excitement.
At this point the broadcast was nearly over, but the mullet and fu man chew counting was no longer the only thing that was making the time pass. I could feel the buzz, and I was honestly excited for the races to get going. The Mariners had officially been swept, but I didn't care. I wanted to see Tony Stewart and Kasey Kahne race. My interest was teetering on the fence that separates what I had always believed, and a world which I was totally unfamiliar with. And when the drivers started the engines, and I felt the earth rumble, I fell off the fence and landed firmly on the NASCAR side. The deal had been sealed. I was a NASCAR fan. NASCAR interest level, 7.5: I care.
On the drive back to Seattle I came back to earth a little bit. The anger of the Mariners sweep began to sink in a little more, but the overwhelming feeling of the day was still utter amazement that I had fallen for NASCAR. I feel like I hooked up with a girl that I never found attractive, but now all I can think about is whether or not she'll call. We'll see what happens from here. I know that I'll be watching when Tony Stewart tries to catch that bastard Jeff Gordon this weekend at the NNCS at the California Speedway. From there we'll see, maybe I'll have to revise the "Scale of Intrigue" to accommodate a new priority.
In order to understand how little I cared about NASCAR, here is a scale of interest by which to measure my apathy. I present the "Andy Bunker Scale of Intrigue". (10 being the best)
1- How many carbs are in this sandwich?
2- Are Brad and Angelina adopting again?
3- Did the Storm win?
4- Is this my drink?
5- How am I getting home?
6- Ben Steitzer getting his drivers licence
7- Barack or Hilary
8- Is Sportscenter on?
9- Friends/Family
10- Mariners in the World Series
NASCAR fell somewhere in between Brangelina and the Storm. I didn't hate it, I simply didn't care. I was amused by the side stories: Dale Jr. and his crazy step mom, every one hating Jeff Gordon, the wife on wife fist fight that broke out during a race between two drivers wives, etc. But as far as the sport itself, I'd rather have gone shopping with my girlfriend. My NASCAR interest level was firmly set at 2.5: Indifferent Non-observer.
In order to get to the Skagit Motor Speedway, you have to drive for nearly two hours north of Seattle on I-5. The outlook of the trip was pretty bright, due to the fact that we were driving up with the radio host (Ian Furness) and the Mariners game was on the radio. But an hour into the trip, the M's were down 3-1 and the mood was very sour at the prospect of being swept by the Angels at home, in the biggest series we've had in 5 years. It seemed that nothing was going to be able to pull us out of the funk that the Mariners had dropped on us. It was like a reverse "Funk Blast". Just then, a pickup truck, that was raised about three feet higher than normal, whizzed past us as the driver honked and pumped his fist. On the rear window was a Number Nine sticker (Kasey Kahne's car number) and a sign that read, "Show me your tits!" Before we were done laughing at the guy, another truck passed us, the driver looked like a carbon copy of the first, giving us a thumbs up and sporting a "TAILGATER'S BEWARE: Driver Chews Tobacco" bumper sticker. By the time we passed Everett, it was an all out drag race. Trucks left and right covered in NASCAR gear, and not so clever bumper stickers. It was clear that we were not the only ones headed to the SMSW. Based mainly on the bumper stickers my NASCAR interest level had risen ever so slightly to a 3.3: Sarcastic enthusiasm.
After an hour and forty-five minutes of driving, the M's were down 5-2 and we had reached our exit. The only sign of life off of the exit was the Skagit Valley Gas Station and a sign that read, "Skagit Motor Speedway: 2 miles". We followed the Mapquest directions along a windy road, deep into the hills of Skagit county, and just as we were beginning to wonder if we were lost we came upon a sight that I can only describe as an oasis. Just as you crest the hill, the trees break and the vast opening gives way to trailers and trucks and RVs as far as the eye can see. Full family sized campers covered in orange and black Tony Stewart logos. Peoples' cars painted and stickered to look just like Kasey Kahne's number 9 car. And more unbelievable bumper stickers than I could ever imagine. For the first time in my life I knew why John Melencamp wrote "This is Our Country". NASCAR interest level, 4.2: Skeptical Amazement.
We set up our broadcast tent behind the main grandstand. As I was pulling the tent out, getting ready to raise it to an upright position, a twangy voice shouted into my ear, "How big is that thing?" Before I could turn around to greet the shouting man, another voice chimed in with his estimation, "I bet that thing is a 10, maybe a 20...dang, I never seen a 20 before." I quickly realized they were discussing the size of our tent, and being that I am very familiar with it, I responded, "It is 10 by 15." This was earth shattering news to Jim and George, two brothers from Mt. Vernon. "I didn't know they was making 15's," Jim marveled. "We need to get us one of them. Is it sturdy?" Not five minutes into my stay at the SMSW, and I was facilitating an full on tent forum. "Yeah, it's pretty nice. This one is couple of years old, but it still works well." I couldn't tell if they were amazed by the fact that it had held up for so long, or that 15's had been out for two full years and they hadn't heard, but they were both shocked. "We got to get us one of them," George giddily chuckled, breaking the silence, and they were off to find seats. Welcome to the Skagit Motor Speedway. NASCAR interest level, still 4.2. Tent interest level, 10.
Over the past three years of working for KJR, I have become a master at creating games to pass the time while the radio host is on the air, and I have next to nothing to do. The game I came up with today was my finest ever. From our position behind the grandstand we were in direct sight of the front gates, and the line to get in had become something of a swarming heard of tank tops and jean shorts. In order to get into the seating area, everyone had to pass directly in front of our table, perfect promotional positioning, but also perfect positioning for people watching. The game was Mullets vs. Fu Man Chews. I had mullets, Brad the intern had Man Chews, we kept a running count of each, and the winner got a Coke. When Ian Furness got wind of the contest, he took it to the air waves. Giving updates at the top and bottom of every hour. Listeners were calling in asking what the count was. One guy showed up at the SMSW and told us that he and his dad were driving, and nearly drove off the road with laughter when they heard what we were counting. The final count was
, 46 mullets,
and 62 Fu Man Chews,
Brad won the Coke. But in the long run, everyone was a winner. NASCAR interest level, 5.5: Blossoming Wonder.
As the afternoon wore on, we had the chance to talk to a number different people about why they like racing so much. And to be honest the enthusiasm that these fans were showing was a lot more intense than anything I've ever seen at Safeco. There was a line as long as a football field outside of Kasey Kahne's trailer for autographs. And the gear these fans were sporting was out of this world.
Tony Stewart's number 20 car, doubling as a hilarious hat. 
Number 20 ear muffs. Tony Stewart protects people from premature deafness.
NASCAR interest level, 6.5: Genuine Excitement.
At this point the broadcast was nearly over, but the mullet and fu man chew counting was no longer the only thing that was making the time pass. I could feel the buzz, and I was honestly excited for the races to get going. The Mariners had officially been swept, but I didn't care. I wanted to see Tony Stewart and Kasey Kahne race. My interest was teetering on the fence that separates what I had always believed, and a world which I was totally unfamiliar with. And when the drivers started the engines, and I felt the earth rumble, I fell off the fence and landed firmly on the NASCAR side. The deal had been sealed. I was a NASCAR fan. NASCAR interest level, 7.5: I care.
On the drive back to Seattle I came back to earth a little bit. The anger of the Mariners sweep began to sink in a little more, but the overwhelming feeling of the day was still utter amazement that I had fallen for NASCAR. I feel like I hooked up with a girl that I never found attractive, but now all I can think about is whether or not she'll call. We'll see what happens from here. I know that I'll be watching when Tony Stewart tries to catch that bastard Jeff Gordon this weekend at the NNCS at the California Speedway. From there we'll see, maybe I'll have to revise the "Scale of Intrigue" to accommodate a new priority.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Losers of the Week
I'm a little disappointed that no one has taken any shots at me for some of the predictions I made. I thought at least a couple of you guys might have taken some sort of issue with a few of the things that I said. But, I guess not. I guess we all agree that the Hawks are Super Bowl bound. And that the Mariners are a lock to hold off the Yankees. I thought you all were a little more opinionated than this, but I was wrong about that, which is apparently the only thing I've been wrong about all week. Aside from your silence, we have had a pretty eventful week. And as always, we've had our fair share of heroes, and an even greater number of losers.
Losers of the Week
Tiger Woods and Roger Federer-
These two guys have been suspect for a while now. Showing up at each others tournaments, doing interviews as a duo, and talking longingly about how much respect they have for one another. On the surface, these things could appear to be mere admiration shown by a couple of guys who are experiencing similar success. And until yesterday, that is how I chose to justify their overly friendly behavior. Then I saw the new Gilette commercial. I'm not sure if anyone else has seen it, but to summarize it's basically Tiger and Roger, shaving and shirtless, staring intensely into the camera for 30 seconds. Pretty bad. But the deal breaker comes at the end when Federer playfully pinches Tiger's cheek, and Tiger bashfully grins and giggles to himself. Enough!! The two most dominant athletes in the world right now have a schoolyard crush on each other. I'd be a little worried if I were Elin.
Rory Sabbatini-
Once again, Rory decided he'd rather choke than sack up and win a tournament. Only this time he did with out shriveling in fear of Tiger He shriveled in fear of Steve Stricker instead. Steve Stricker? Yep, the 44 year old who hadn't won a tourney since 2001. Rory seems to find new ways to fail also. This week he bogeyed three of the first four holes on the back nine, affectively killing any chance he had, all while wearing pants that were three sizes too small. He is dangerously close to joining Phil and Sergio on the "All Choke Team".
Heroes of the Week
Texas Rangers-
Scoring 30 runs in one nine inning baseball game is pretty amazing, but to put it into perspective here are some numbers.
-Before winning the game 30-3, they were actually losing 3-0 in the bottom of the third.
-They scored 30 runs in the game, but they only actually scored in four innings: 5 in the fifth, 10 in the seventh, 9 in the eighth, and 6 in the ninth.
-In the eight games prior to the 30 run game, they only scored 28 runs combined.
-In the game they beat the Baltimore Orioles. The Baltimore Ravens (NFL Team) didn't score 30 points in any game last season.
-The 30 run game was game one of a double header that day. They scored 9 in game two, totaling 39 runs for the day, breaking the previous one day scoring record by 10 runs.
Greg Nickles and the Seattle City Council-
In the wake of the comments from the new Sonics ownership, the city is taking steps to pass a law that will hold the team to their lease at the Key Arena. If the law passes the Sonics are guaranteed to be in Seattle until 2010. That should give Kevin Durant plenty of time convince a few Bellevue billionaires that a new arena is a good idea.
David Stern-
It doesn't matter now busy this guy gets, he will not miss the chance to make a buck. While he, and every PR person the NBA has ever heard of, is dealing with the Tim Donaghy fiasco, he still found the time to fine Aubrey McClendon $250K. The only negative I can possibly see coming out of this situation would be if McClendon decided to shut up. But I'm pretty sure he won't. In his crazy cowboy mind this is probably some sort of challenge. I wouldn't be surprised if he shows up at high noon with his six shooters, and tells David Stern it's time for a "showdown". This is what happens when you allow people to buy NBA franchises with gold that they hijacked from a moving train.
David Chernicoff-
Last week I wrote about Horacio Ramirez by using the mildly comical nickname, Horablio. While that name is pretty funny, David corrected me. We will no longer refer to him as either Horacio or Horablio, from now on it is Fallacio. Get it, because he sucks. Fallacio Ramirez. Excellent work Chern. You are my hero. Maybe we should shave with Gilette razors and pinch each others cheeks.
Losers of the Week
Tiger Woods and Roger Federer-
These two guys have been suspect for a while now. Showing up at each others tournaments, doing interviews as a duo, and talking longingly about how much respect they have for one another. On the surface, these things could appear to be mere admiration shown by a couple of guys who are experiencing similar success. And until yesterday, that is how I chose to justify their overly friendly behavior. Then I saw the new Gilette commercial. I'm not sure if anyone else has seen it, but to summarize it's basically Tiger and Roger, shaving and shirtless, staring intensely into the camera for 30 seconds. Pretty bad. But the deal breaker comes at the end when Federer playfully pinches Tiger's cheek, and Tiger bashfully grins and giggles to himself. Enough!! The two most dominant athletes in the world right now have a schoolyard crush on each other. I'd be a little worried if I were Elin.
Rory Sabbatini-
Once again, Rory decided he'd rather choke than sack up and win a tournament. Only this time he did with out shriveling in fear of Tiger He shriveled in fear of Steve Stricker instead. Steve Stricker? Yep, the 44 year old who hadn't won a tourney since 2001. Rory seems to find new ways to fail also. This week he bogeyed three of the first four holes on the back nine, affectively killing any chance he had, all while wearing pants that were three sizes too small. He is dangerously close to joining Phil and Sergio on the "All Choke Team".
Heroes of the Week
Texas Rangers-
Scoring 30 runs in one nine inning baseball game is pretty amazing, but to put it into perspective here are some numbers.
-Before winning the game 30-3, they were actually losing 3-0 in the bottom of the third.
-They scored 30 runs in the game, but they only actually scored in four innings: 5 in the fifth, 10 in the seventh, 9 in the eighth, and 6 in the ninth.
-In the eight games prior to the 30 run game, they only scored 28 runs combined.
-In the game they beat the Baltimore Orioles. The Baltimore Ravens (NFL Team) didn't score 30 points in any game last season.
-The 30 run game was game one of a double header that day. They scored 9 in game two, totaling 39 runs for the day, breaking the previous one day scoring record by 10 runs.
Greg Nickles and the Seattle City Council-
In the wake of the comments from the new Sonics ownership, the city is taking steps to pass a law that will hold the team to their lease at the Key Arena. If the law passes the Sonics are guaranteed to be in Seattle until 2010. That should give Kevin Durant plenty of time convince a few Bellevue billionaires that a new arena is a good idea.
David Stern-
It doesn't matter now busy this guy gets, he will not miss the chance to make a buck. While he, and every PR person the NBA has ever heard of, is dealing with the Tim Donaghy fiasco, he still found the time to fine Aubrey McClendon $250K. The only negative I can possibly see coming out of this situation would be if McClendon decided to shut up. But I'm pretty sure he won't. In his crazy cowboy mind this is probably some sort of challenge. I wouldn't be surprised if he shows up at high noon with his six shooters, and tells David Stern it's time for a "showdown". This is what happens when you allow people to buy NBA franchises with gold that they hijacked from a moving train.
David Chernicoff-
Last week I wrote about Horacio Ramirez by using the mildly comical nickname, Horablio. While that name is pretty funny, David corrected me. We will no longer refer to him as either Horacio or Horablio, from now on it is Fallacio. Get it, because he sucks. Fallacio Ramirez. Excellent work Chern. You are my hero. Maybe we should shave with Gilette razors and pinch each others cheeks.
Predicaments and Predictions
As the summer sadly slips away, we need to remember that with fall comes a great time of the year for sports. Pennant races and baseball playoffs, college and pro football, I make another run at fantasy football dominance, the FedEx Cup in golf giving us another month and a half of meaningful Tiger watching, EPL soccer is back after a long summer, Team USA Basketball tries to prove it is worthy of the Olympics, and above all Franklin Boys Golf makes another run at a state championship...or at least a run at two wins. With all this fun on the horizon, what kind of sports buff would I be if I didn't attempt to tell you exactly how all of these events will turn out.
But before I get into profit mode, I have to set aside all of my loyalties and home town biases to make a fair and accurate attempt at predicting the entire Autumn in sports. Here are the main predicaments that I face:
1. Last night, as I was flipping through my collection of VHS tapes trying to find a way to spend a quiet night at home, I stumbled accross my copy of the tape "My Oh My!" The movie that tells the story of the 1995 Seattle Mariners. Let's just say it was a quiet night ruined. All the jaded skepticism that has built up over the past 15 years of being a Seattle Sports fan, was magically washed away. I felt like Will Smith came to my house in a black suit and erased all my Mariner memories with that flashy thing from "Men in Black." Before I was ten minutes into the tape, I had risen from my reclined position on my couch, and I was standing in the middle of my living room with my mit and a tennis ball playing catch against my wall, yelling "Refuse to Lose" with a rally cap on. Before the movie was over, I was already convincing myself that this years team has all the makings for a 95'esque run. So, there's my predicament. "My Oh My" has convinced me that anything is possible, and overcoming this will be a challenge when attempting to accurately predict the pennant race.
2. I listened to Elise Woodward's interview with Dick Beard on Monday night, and he convinced me that this years Huskie team, "has a lot of spunk." I don't know if you've heard Dick Beard on the air before, but I am pretty sure that his prediction record is the exact same as the Huskies record for the past 10 seasons. He never thinks they can lose. And he is always convincing. They could be playing the '77 Dolphins and he'd give some crazy reason why ,"you shouldn't count them out." Thanks to Dick Beard I am a believer.
3. I am a lot busier than I have been for the past couple of falls, so my Fantasy Football prowise maybe coming to an end. It is widely known that in order to win any fantasy football league worth its entry fee, you have to be willing to effectively shut off your social life as you know it for three months. Nobody wins a good league simpy by having a good draft, or a good pick up or two. You have to dedicate yourself to the fact that you are the biggest stats nerd in the league, and further more you have to accept that you will not be getting laid at all until the season is over. Knowing that Donald Driver has been in the top three in recieving yards in each of the past three seasons, or that Ladell Betts was in the top 10 in rushing yard last season in only nine starts, has never gotten any body laid, ever. Many a man has had to face the fact that if they want to win their league, it maybe at the expense of their relationship. I don't think I'm ready for that.
4. Franklin Boys Golf. That's the predicament. Franklin Boys Golf. In a conversation I had the other day with one of my three returning Varsity Starters, who goes to U Prep and plays for us via a weird Kingco zoning rule by the way, we realized that there are actually only two "good" golfers at Franklin. He said, "I'm good, but I go to U Prep. Aside from Edgar and Brandon, Franklin has zero goflers." So there's the problem. No need to delve any deeper. This predicament, while hurting the team, may actually help my prediction. Sad.
With all that out in the open, here are the Fall Predictions.
The Pennant Race and the Baseball Playoffs-
While I was deeply inspired by my recent viewing of "My Oh My", it is important to note some of the main differences between the '95 team and this Mariners team. Namely: Ken Griffey Jr., Edgar Martinez, Tino Martinez, Jay Buhner and Randy Johnson. But before I fall into the trap that every Seattle fan seems to fall into, you gotta to remember that the '95 team has no bearing on this years team. We don't have any of those guys anymore, nor do have to play against them, so let's stop talking about them. That said, I think we have a shot at both the division and the wild card. Here's why. Our fate is in our own hands, and so far this year we've taken advantage of that. We took two of three from the Angels last month, and we've taken four out of seven from the Yankees this year. With seven remaining games versus the Angels, three here and four there, and a huge three game series at the beginning of September in the Bronx, it's up to us to make it happen. Plus 14 of our final 21 games are at home where we are 17 games over .500, including the final seven. And we have a combined winning record against the final five teams we play. The prediction is as follows: The Angels will win the West, the Indians will win the Central, The Red Sox will win the East, and the M's will make the Wild Card.
Huskies Football-
The Dawgs are facing the hardest opening seven games in recent history. And even Dick Beard can't argue against that. It is totally possible that they could start the year 0-7, but they won't. You can't underestimate the difficulty of traveling 3000 miles to play your first game of the season. Not to mention that Syracuse has a senior Quarterback, and it's leading receiver and rusher back from last season. This game is gonna be tough. I think it will be very telling of the season as a whole. We will find out a lot about the team in this game. What do I think will happen? I think they're gonna win. I think they'll win five games this year (Syracuse, Arizona St., Arizona, Stanford, and Wazzu). Call me a pessimist, but it's a tough schedule. Six ranked teams, and eight teams that could be ranked by the end of the year. We'll be solid next year though. Sorry Dick.
Seahawks Football-
I think that getting rid of Darrel Jackson and Jeremy "How dumb are you" Stevens will be the best thing this team has done since letting Jerry Rice wear #80. Shaun Alexander has something to prove, Deion Branch will be used correctly, DJ Hackett is going to be a nice surprise and make a lot of fantasy owners very happy, and as long as the O line stays healthy, this could be our year. The O line is a big "if" though. With last years team being a veritable game of injured musical chairs, health will be the deal breaker this season. In a season where we had at least two different players start at 10 of the 11 offensive positions, and we were still one play away from the NFC Championship game, there is no reason we can't be back in the Super Bowl this year. And we will be. Here's the prediction. This is our year. Quote me, "the Seahawks will win Super Bowl 42." By the way, I have no idea who Randy Moss is, or who he plays for, so don't ask.
Fantasy Football-
This is easy. Since I got kicked out of the league I won last year, due to thorough dominance and unyielding amounts of trash talk, I've been forced to start my own league. And since it's so late in the summer, the only people who aren't in a hundred leagues already are my friends who have never played before. My prediction: in week five I'll convince Ben Steitzer to trade me Peyton Manning for a three packs of Gushers and a graphic novel, and I'll win the league by five hundred points.
FedEx Cup-
Tiger will skip the first leg of the Cup, because he can, and still win the thing by an overwhelming amount of points. Comparing Tiger to the rest of the field isn't even fun anymore. The only way to appreciate Tiger these days is to look at his ungodly stats, and just laugh. Did you know he has come in first, second or third in 48% of all the tournaments he has ever entered. The second best percentage is Jack Nicklaus at 28%. That is a joke. If Tiger's in it and matters, he's probably gonna win. FedEx Cup number one goes to Tiger.
USA Basketball-
Well, in the two games I've watched one thing has become pretty clear, Mike Krysewski looks like an angry aardvark. The fact that they have two dominating players at every position, makes this a cake walk. Plus they designed this team as just that, a team. Actual point guards and shooters and rebounders and shot blockers. Sprinkle in Kobe, Bron Bron and Melo, and you have a delicious recipe. It's called "Victory" and it smells like the Olympics.
Fraklin Golf-
Now to the most important prediction. Let me first say that all that shit I was talking last year about Coach of the Year, will never happen in a million years. I'm not saying I didn't deserve it, especially for the girls, because I did. But I found out a lot about Kingco golf last night at our annual coaches meeting. The first thing I found out is that all the other coaches, except me and the Garfield coach, are pals. They go to each others birthday parties, they go golfing and camping and they all hang out. It's like third grade, and I'm the kid who eats his boogers. In fact, more than half of them didn't even remember that I coached last year. And most of them saw me in the Spring with the girls team. I'm not saying that I'm the most memorable guy in the world, but how can you forget the one coach who isn't 45 years old, with a beer belly and a genuine hatred for life. I stand out. But not only did they not remember who I was, they took shots at me. One coach said, "I think every body is here, let's get started. Except for Franklin...of course." Hey asshole, I'm right here, in a damn Franklin T-shirt. All I could muster as a come back was, "you don't remember me, I'm the young good looking coach." That warranted a few muffled giggles from the crowd. The point is that if they don't remember me, the chances that I will win an award are pretty slim. Oh well, at least I'm not middle aged with a failing marriage, that is award enough for me. As for the prediction. Zero wins. My best golfer graduated. My new best golfer has a classic case of Quakeritis: who cares if I flunk, I wear Jordans and Dunks. My favorite golfer, and second best player, moved to Kent. And the only other kid who is any good is a U Prep kid who listens to The Fray. It's looking like a long season. Let's just hope we get a funny quote or two, and another hilarious crack head fight.
That is the Fall Prediction Edition of Road to the BigTime. If any of what I say turns out to be right, I'll be as surprised as the rest of you.
But before I get into profit mode, I have to set aside all of my loyalties and home town biases to make a fair and accurate attempt at predicting the entire Autumn in sports. Here are the main predicaments that I face:
1. Last night, as I was flipping through my collection of VHS tapes trying to find a way to spend a quiet night at home, I stumbled accross my copy of the tape "My Oh My!" The movie that tells the story of the 1995 Seattle Mariners. Let's just say it was a quiet night ruined. All the jaded skepticism that has built up over the past 15 years of being a Seattle Sports fan, was magically washed away. I felt like Will Smith came to my house in a black suit and erased all my Mariner memories with that flashy thing from "Men in Black." Before I was ten minutes into the tape, I had risen from my reclined position on my couch, and I was standing in the middle of my living room with my mit and a tennis ball playing catch against my wall, yelling "Refuse to Lose" with a rally cap on. Before the movie was over, I was already convincing myself that this years team has all the makings for a 95'esque run. So, there's my predicament. "My Oh My" has convinced me that anything is possible, and overcoming this will be a challenge when attempting to accurately predict the pennant race.
2. I listened to Elise Woodward's interview with Dick Beard on Monday night, and he convinced me that this years Huskie team, "has a lot of spunk." I don't know if you've heard Dick Beard on the air before, but I am pretty sure that his prediction record is the exact same as the Huskies record for the past 10 seasons. He never thinks they can lose. And he is always convincing. They could be playing the '77 Dolphins and he'd give some crazy reason why ,"you shouldn't count them out." Thanks to Dick Beard I am a believer.
3. I am a lot busier than I have been for the past couple of falls, so my Fantasy Football prowise maybe coming to an end. It is widely known that in order to win any fantasy football league worth its entry fee, you have to be willing to effectively shut off your social life as you know it for three months. Nobody wins a good league simpy by having a good draft, or a good pick up or two. You have to dedicate yourself to the fact that you are the biggest stats nerd in the league, and further more you have to accept that you will not be getting laid at all until the season is over. Knowing that Donald Driver has been in the top three in recieving yards in each of the past three seasons, or that Ladell Betts was in the top 10 in rushing yard last season in only nine starts, has never gotten any body laid, ever. Many a man has had to face the fact that if they want to win their league, it maybe at the expense of their relationship. I don't think I'm ready for that.
4. Franklin Boys Golf. That's the predicament. Franklin Boys Golf. In a conversation I had the other day with one of my three returning Varsity Starters, who goes to U Prep and plays for us via a weird Kingco zoning rule by the way, we realized that there are actually only two "good" golfers at Franklin. He said, "I'm good, but I go to U Prep. Aside from Edgar and Brandon, Franklin has zero goflers." So there's the problem. No need to delve any deeper. This predicament, while hurting the team, may actually help my prediction. Sad.
With all that out in the open, here are the Fall Predictions.
The Pennant Race and the Baseball Playoffs-
While I was deeply inspired by my recent viewing of "My Oh My", it is important to note some of the main differences between the '95 team and this Mariners team. Namely: Ken Griffey Jr., Edgar Martinez, Tino Martinez, Jay Buhner and Randy Johnson. But before I fall into the trap that every Seattle fan seems to fall into, you gotta to remember that the '95 team has no bearing on this years team. We don't have any of those guys anymore, nor do have to play against them, so let's stop talking about them. That said, I think we have a shot at both the division and the wild card. Here's why. Our fate is in our own hands, and so far this year we've taken advantage of that. We took two of three from the Angels last month, and we've taken four out of seven from the Yankees this year. With seven remaining games versus the Angels, three here and four there, and a huge three game series at the beginning of September in the Bronx, it's up to us to make it happen. Plus 14 of our final 21 games are at home where we are 17 games over .500, including the final seven. And we have a combined winning record against the final five teams we play. The prediction is as follows: The Angels will win the West, the Indians will win the Central, The Red Sox will win the East, and the M's will make the Wild Card.
Huskies Football-
The Dawgs are facing the hardest opening seven games in recent history. And even Dick Beard can't argue against that. It is totally possible that they could start the year 0-7, but they won't. You can't underestimate the difficulty of traveling 3000 miles to play your first game of the season. Not to mention that Syracuse has a senior Quarterback, and it's leading receiver and rusher back from last season. This game is gonna be tough. I think it will be very telling of the season as a whole. We will find out a lot about the team in this game. What do I think will happen? I think they're gonna win. I think they'll win five games this year (Syracuse, Arizona St., Arizona, Stanford, and Wazzu). Call me a pessimist, but it's a tough schedule. Six ranked teams, and eight teams that could be ranked by the end of the year. We'll be solid next year though. Sorry Dick.
Seahawks Football-
I think that getting rid of Darrel Jackson and Jeremy "How dumb are you" Stevens will be the best thing this team has done since letting Jerry Rice wear #80. Shaun Alexander has something to prove, Deion Branch will be used correctly, DJ Hackett is going to be a nice surprise and make a lot of fantasy owners very happy, and as long as the O line stays healthy, this could be our year. The O line is a big "if" though. With last years team being a veritable game of injured musical chairs, health will be the deal breaker this season. In a season where we had at least two different players start at 10 of the 11 offensive positions, and we were still one play away from the NFC Championship game, there is no reason we can't be back in the Super Bowl this year. And we will be. Here's the prediction. This is our year. Quote me, "the Seahawks will win Super Bowl 42." By the way, I have no idea who Randy Moss is, or who he plays for, so don't ask.
Fantasy Football-
This is easy. Since I got kicked out of the league I won last year, due to thorough dominance and unyielding amounts of trash talk, I've been forced to start my own league. And since it's so late in the summer, the only people who aren't in a hundred leagues already are my friends who have never played before. My prediction: in week five I'll convince Ben Steitzer to trade me Peyton Manning for a three packs of Gushers and a graphic novel, and I'll win the league by five hundred points.
FedEx Cup-
Tiger will skip the first leg of the Cup, because he can, and still win the thing by an overwhelming amount of points. Comparing Tiger to the rest of the field isn't even fun anymore. The only way to appreciate Tiger these days is to look at his ungodly stats, and just laugh. Did you know he has come in first, second or third in 48% of all the tournaments he has ever entered. The second best percentage is Jack Nicklaus at 28%. That is a joke. If Tiger's in it and matters, he's probably gonna win. FedEx Cup number one goes to Tiger.
USA Basketball-
Well, in the two games I've watched one thing has become pretty clear, Mike Krysewski looks like an angry aardvark. The fact that they have two dominating players at every position, makes this a cake walk. Plus they designed this team as just that, a team. Actual point guards and shooters and rebounders and shot blockers. Sprinkle in Kobe, Bron Bron and Melo, and you have a delicious recipe. It's called "Victory" and it smells like the Olympics.
Fraklin Golf-
Now to the most important prediction. Let me first say that all that shit I was talking last year about Coach of the Year, will never happen in a million years. I'm not saying I didn't deserve it, especially for the girls, because I did. But I found out a lot about Kingco golf last night at our annual coaches meeting. The first thing I found out is that all the other coaches, except me and the Garfield coach, are pals. They go to each others birthday parties, they go golfing and camping and they all hang out. It's like third grade, and I'm the kid who eats his boogers. In fact, more than half of them didn't even remember that I coached last year. And most of them saw me in the Spring with the girls team. I'm not saying that I'm the most memorable guy in the world, but how can you forget the one coach who isn't 45 years old, with a beer belly and a genuine hatred for life. I stand out. But not only did they not remember who I was, they took shots at me. One coach said, "I think every body is here, let's get started. Except for Franklin...of course." Hey asshole, I'm right here, in a damn Franklin T-shirt. All I could muster as a come back was, "you don't remember me, I'm the young good looking coach." That warranted a few muffled giggles from the crowd. The point is that if they don't remember me, the chances that I will win an award are pretty slim. Oh well, at least I'm not middle aged with a failing marriage, that is award enough for me. As for the prediction. Zero wins. My best golfer graduated. My new best golfer has a classic case of Quakeritis: who cares if I flunk, I wear Jordans and Dunks. My favorite golfer, and second best player, moved to Kent. And the only other kid who is any good is a U Prep kid who listens to The Fray. It's looking like a long season. Let's just hope we get a funny quote or two, and another hilarious crack head fight.
That is the Fall Prediction Edition of Road to the BigTime. If any of what I say turns out to be right, I'll be as surprised as the rest of you.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Losers of the Week
This has been a great week. The M's are hot. Pre-season football is in full swing. The Sounders are in the quarter finals of the US Open Cup. And, like every week, we were graced by a few heroes, and enraged by a few douche bags.
Douche Bags of the Week
Aubrey McClendon-
One of the many minority owners of the Sonics, was nice enough this week to tell us exactly what we already knew. That Clay Bennett (Ass Pickles) bought the team with every intention of moving them to Oklahoma City. He said Bennett didn't even care if he lost money in moving the team, which he obviously would, all they want to do is "break even." I have a few thoughts on this guy. First, you have to be really dumb to say something like this when everybody knows that David Stern's number one priority is making money. Admitting that you are willing and eager to do something that is going to cost the league money is a pretty bad move. For an ignorant red neck moron from Oklahoma, he isn't very familiar with his Jewish stereotypes. Let's put what he did into terms he can understand. Are you listening Aubrey: Telling your Jewish boss that you want to make a move that is going to cost his company money is like telling Jeff Foxworthy you want to cut off his mustache. It's not what he wants to hear. Second, I can't wait for McClendon to get tired of being called a "minority owner". The chance that some one might mistake him for a black guy is definitely keeping him up at night. In his next dumb ass statement I bet he refers to himself as the "partial owner". Or "the very very caucasian gentleman, who is one of many very very caucasian gentlemen, who all own part of the Sonics". Either way, he's not calling himself a minority for much longer.
The Bouncers at Heavens-
Bouncers, by nature, are shall we say...a bit unreasonable. But the guys working the door at Heavens Saturday night were down right ridiculous. They tried to make us pay $10 to get in, when there were flyers saying it was free before 11. Plus, we were with D Chern, who's brother was promoting the club that night. All around poor move by them. We took our business else where, opting out of the Pioneer Square scene, back to a house party in the U District. It was great for us in the long run because instead of dropping upwards of $40 each to get drunk at Heaven, we got housed for free in the U. Nice move bouncers, turning away 10 eager drunks is basically like losing $500. McClendon and the Heavens bouncers are starting an accounting firm called "No Cents".
Horablio Ramirez-
With an away ERA of over 10, and a road record of 1-4, Horablio is one bad start away from Triple A. We traded a solid, proven right handed long reliever with 95 MPH gas for this guy. Then, we spent this whole year looking for a good, proven right handed long reliever, while at the same time trying to figure out why Horablio is trash on the road. Nice move Bavasi. BUT, I just turned on the TV and we are up 9-2 in the 8th. Remember when I hated on Jeff Weaver for five straight weeks on DBOTW, then he turned into a decent pitcher after that. Maybe I have a reverse curse on M's pitchers. In that case, our whole staff is a bunch of low lifes who have zero chance of getting us to the playoffs, much less to the World Series. We should just quit right now. I hope that works.
Heroes of the Week-
Lee Elder-
One of golfs greatest pioneers. Lee Elder is basically the Jackie Robinson of professional golf. He was the first black golfer to play in the Masters in 1975, and is in the PGA hall of fame. I had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Elder at the Rumble at the Ridge golf tourney this morning. This was honestly one of the coolest and unexpected meeting of my life. I have been lucky enough to meet quite a few of my heroes over the past couple of years at KJR, but this guy takes the cake.
Beside the fact that he is on par with Tiger Woods in terms of what he has meant to racial equality in golf, he was the nicest guy I've ever met. My job at the Tourney was to hang out by our broadcast tent and grab Seahawks and NFL alumni. (Warren Moon, Steve Largent and Dave Craig to name a few) I had a list of guys that Softy wanted to talk to, and I grabbed them as they went through. At 12:45, with 15 minutes left on the show, the tournament director walked up to me and asked if we wanted to talk to Lee Elder before we left, and I just looked at him and laughed like, "yeah, bring over Tiger too." But he was serious, and I quickly said that we did want to talk to him. Three minutes later a golf cart pulled up, and a short old black guy, that sort of looked like Danny Glover from "Royal Tennenbaums" jumped out. "I ain't doin' no radio interview. I don't care who they say they are," he barked to my astonishment. About six million things went through my mind, before I timidly said, "Please?!?" He just looked at me for like five seconds before doubling over with laughter. To say that Lee Elder got me pretty good would be like saying that Tiger Woods is a pretty good golfer. As I settled into the realization that I had just been thoroughly clowned by a 65 year old civil rights pioneer, he grabbed me by the shoulders and gave me a big bear hug. "You thought you were in trouble," he laughed. "You thought you were fired." He was right. One of the six million thoughts was, "oh fuck, I just pissed off a golf legend, I need to find a new job." Visions of Happy Gilmour scaring Chubs out of the window with the gator head came to mind, and I saw Lee Travino. And he was not happy. When he stopped hugging me, he stepped into the tent and proceeded to give the best interview of the day. As he was on air, it started raining like a monsoon, and after his interview he stayed dry with us in the tent for about five minutes. Talking to him was amazing. Softy meets hundreds of athletes and famous people every year, but to watch him stand there and marvel at the presence of Lee Elder, it was like he was a kid. Men like Mr. Elder are few and far between, and I have to say that it was the honor of my life to meet him.
The Guy who called Shawn Kemp's High School Games-
This is an important Youtube clip for any Sonics fan to watch. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g36vjEI9cYg. GP and Kemp at there best. But watch and listen very closely. 41 seconds into the clip the guy who called Kemp's high school games reacts to a Kemp dunk by telling us that Kemp "wears size 16 shoes and has a 42 inch" what? I don't know what he says. It sounds like he says " a 42 inch Leroy." Which is in my opinion a great name for Kemp's piece. Size 16 shoes and a 42 inch Leroy. That explains the 20 kids. This is officially my favorite Youtube clip ever, and by far the best term I've ever coined for the unit. Manny's got 24. Kemp's got 42. Holler at your Leroy.
Douche Bags of the Week
Aubrey McClendon-
One of the many minority owners of the Sonics, was nice enough this week to tell us exactly what we already knew. That Clay Bennett (Ass Pickles) bought the team with every intention of moving them to Oklahoma City. He said Bennett didn't even care if he lost money in moving the team, which he obviously would, all they want to do is "break even." I have a few thoughts on this guy. First, you have to be really dumb to say something like this when everybody knows that David Stern's number one priority is making money. Admitting that you are willing and eager to do something that is going to cost the league money is a pretty bad move. For an ignorant red neck moron from Oklahoma, he isn't very familiar with his Jewish stereotypes. Let's put what he did into terms he can understand. Are you listening Aubrey: Telling your Jewish boss that you want to make a move that is going to cost his company money is like telling Jeff Foxworthy you want to cut off his mustache. It's not what he wants to hear. Second, I can't wait for McClendon to get tired of being called a "minority owner". The chance that some one might mistake him for a black guy is definitely keeping him up at night. In his next dumb ass statement I bet he refers to himself as the "partial owner". Or "the very very caucasian gentleman, who is one of many very very caucasian gentlemen, who all own part of the Sonics". Either way, he's not calling himself a minority for much longer.
The Bouncers at Heavens-
Bouncers, by nature, are shall we say...a bit unreasonable. But the guys working the door at Heavens Saturday night were down right ridiculous. They tried to make us pay $10 to get in, when there were flyers saying it was free before 11. Plus, we were with D Chern, who's brother was promoting the club that night. All around poor move by them. We took our business else where, opting out of the Pioneer Square scene, back to a house party in the U District. It was great for us in the long run because instead of dropping upwards of $40 each to get drunk at Heaven, we got housed for free in the U. Nice move bouncers, turning away 10 eager drunks is basically like losing $500. McClendon and the Heavens bouncers are starting an accounting firm called "No Cents".
Horablio Ramirez-
With an away ERA of over 10, and a road record of 1-4, Horablio is one bad start away from Triple A. We traded a solid, proven right handed long reliever with 95 MPH gas for this guy. Then, we spent this whole year looking for a good, proven right handed long reliever, while at the same time trying to figure out why Horablio is trash on the road. Nice move Bavasi. BUT, I just turned on the TV and we are up 9-2 in the 8th. Remember when I hated on Jeff Weaver for five straight weeks on DBOTW, then he turned into a decent pitcher after that. Maybe I have a reverse curse on M's pitchers. In that case, our whole staff is a bunch of low lifes who have zero chance of getting us to the playoffs, much less to the World Series. We should just quit right now. I hope that works.
Heroes of the Week-
Lee Elder-
One of golfs greatest pioneers. Lee Elder is basically the Jackie Robinson of professional golf. He was the first black golfer to play in the Masters in 1975, and is in the PGA hall of fame. I had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Elder at the Rumble at the Ridge golf tourney this morning. This was honestly one of the coolest and unexpected meeting of my life. I have been lucky enough to meet quite a few of my heroes over the past couple of years at KJR, but this guy takes the cake.
Beside the fact that he is on par with Tiger Woods in terms of what he has meant to racial equality in golf, he was the nicest guy I've ever met. My job at the Tourney was to hang out by our broadcast tent and grab Seahawks and NFL alumni. (Warren Moon, Steve Largent and Dave Craig to name a few) I had a list of guys that Softy wanted to talk to, and I grabbed them as they went through. At 12:45, with 15 minutes left on the show, the tournament director walked up to me and asked if we wanted to talk to Lee Elder before we left, and I just looked at him and laughed like, "yeah, bring over Tiger too." But he was serious, and I quickly said that we did want to talk to him. Three minutes later a golf cart pulled up, and a short old black guy, that sort of looked like Danny Glover from "Royal Tennenbaums" jumped out. "I ain't doin' no radio interview. I don't care who they say they are," he barked to my astonishment. About six million things went through my mind, before I timidly said, "Please?!?" He just looked at me for like five seconds before doubling over with laughter. To say that Lee Elder got me pretty good would be like saying that Tiger Woods is a pretty good golfer. As I settled into the realization that I had just been thoroughly clowned by a 65 year old civil rights pioneer, he grabbed me by the shoulders and gave me a big bear hug. "You thought you were in trouble," he laughed. "You thought you were fired." He was right. One of the six million thoughts was, "oh fuck, I just pissed off a golf legend, I need to find a new job." Visions of Happy Gilmour scaring Chubs out of the window with the gator head came to mind, and I saw Lee Travino. And he was not happy. When he stopped hugging me, he stepped into the tent and proceeded to give the best interview of the day. As he was on air, it started raining like a monsoon, and after his interview he stayed dry with us in the tent for about five minutes. Talking to him was amazing. Softy meets hundreds of athletes and famous people every year, but to watch him stand there and marvel at the presence of Lee Elder, it was like he was a kid. Men like Mr. Elder are few and far between, and I have to say that it was the honor of my life to meet him.
The Guy who called Shawn Kemp's High School Games-
This is an important Youtube clip for any Sonics fan to watch. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g36vjEI9cYg. GP and Kemp at there best. But watch and listen very closely. 41 seconds into the clip the guy who called Kemp's high school games reacts to a Kemp dunk by telling us that Kemp "wears size 16 shoes and has a 42 inch" what? I don't know what he says. It sounds like he says " a 42 inch Leroy." Which is in my opinion a great name for Kemp's piece. Size 16 shoes and a 42 inch Leroy. That explains the 20 kids. This is officially my favorite Youtube clip ever, and by far the best term I've ever coined for the unit. Manny's got 24. Kemp's got 42. Holler at your Leroy.
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