As I'm sure most of my more faithful readers remember, when this blog started it was merely a facebook wall posting that I'd use to tell tales of what was going on with my job at KJR. Back when I was interning for David Locke, pushing paper for no pay and trying my ass off too avoid Too-Short in the hall way. One of my major regrets is that I wasn't smart enough to keep a blog back then, so I could not only look back and laugh about some of the funny stuff I used to have to do, but also so I could track my writing progress and see what I do that people like, and what I do that people hate. On the plus side, I can look back and pretend that I was a lot better than I was, with no proof otherwise. Anyway, I do like to get back to my roots from time to time and talk about what is going with my job, and let every body about the progress that is being made towards my total domination of the Seattle sports scene. Yes, I'm still at KJR, and no, I haven't been berated by any famous rappers lately. Here is an update on what is going in my KJR life.
Tonight I attended the UW Football "Season Ending Dinner" at the Sheridan Hotel in downtown Seattle. For the first time in my KJR career, which is 3.4 years old, I was invited to attend a dinner. I am quickly realizing that "dinners" are to the adult world what keggers where in high school. The coolest people will be there, it is hard to get invited to your first one, and after 30 minutes every one is drunk. I've been to hundreds of keggers, this was my very first dinner.
Just like your first kegger, there are things that you want to make sure you don't do -- "party fouls". You quickly learned that trying to poor from an unpumped keg made you look like an idiot, just as I learned that your napkin is the one on the left of your plate, not the right. I was quickly informed, by Leon my coworker who was seated next to me, that I had taken his napkin. And let me be the first to tell you, trying to refold a napkin into the shape of a swan is much harder than pretending to enjoy a keg cup full of foam.
There will be three forks. What you do with each of them is very important.
After the napkin disaster, I wanted to wait at least 5 minutes until I made a complete ass of myself again, so I waited to see what Leon did with his forks before I even thought about touching mine. So there I sat. Looking hungrily at my salad. On the brink of starvation because that bastard Leon had to go the bathroom. If I would've been smart I would have just looked across the table to see what everyone else was doing with their silver wear, but I was transfixed on following the code of etiquette set forth by Leon. He had guided me through my first mistake, and I was going to be damned if he didn't get me through my next.
He finally came back after what must have been one of the biggest shits ever taken at the Downtown Sheridan, and with that thought lingering in my head, I was finally able to eat. He sat down and effortlessly grabbed the fork that was on the far left of his plate, and without batting and eye, he dug right into his cesar salad. Like I said, he is a bastard.
After we finished our salads, and the main course had been delivered, the kegger similarities which had been to this point mostly metaphorical, began to become identical. Everyone's "too cool for school" attitude was thoroughly drenched in red wine, and any and all etiquette was thrown to the wind. Napkins were being used as bibs. Forks were every where. And the only party foul that was even possibly committable was not drinking. And being one to never want to commit a said "foul", I obliged. Drunkenness ensued. And as I was standing there shouting, the entire table of hammered KJR employees listening eagerly to my drunken story, I realized that life is just one big kegger. Everyone's nervous at first, but then you figure out how to pump the keg, and after that it just flows.
The night was a huge success. We had a great time. We got far too intoxicated. And I proved myself worthy of my next dinner invitation. There is nothing like the feeling you get when you realize that you have just taken a step into a world that for so long you could see, but couldn't touch. And with both keggers and dinners alike, that feeling can accurately be described as hungover.
Other random KJR Updates.
-I am now the full time producer of the "Northwest Wild Counrty Show." Saturday mornings, 6-8 am. It's a hunting and fishing show. I don't know anything about either of the two, so needless to say it isn't my favorite thing in the world. On the plus side I am a full time producer of a KJR show. Silver lining baby.
-I sometimes produce John Clayton's Show on Saturdays, as well as Dick Fain's show. These are far more fun for me, as they talk about sports that I care about.
-Starting in January I will be co-hosting a Sunday morning sports show, from 6-9 am, on KGRG. That is Green River Community Colleges radio station. My buddy Jarrett is the sports director there, and he and I will be hosting the show.
-We will also be calling all of the Green River home basketball games on KGRG. I'll be doing color commentary, and he said I can "clown". This may end badly.
-Last, and most importantly, the "Road to the BigTime" maybe taking it's next step forward very soon. My good pal Barry informed me the other day that "my blog needs a make over." With his help we maybe moving to a real url. No more blogspot. This means more options and ability to have more content. I hope to podcast all of the KGRG shows, so those of you who can't tune in (all of you) will still have the chance to listen if you want. We will have a better format so the picture stuff will look better. Plus a whole heap of new additions and segments. Stay tuned, we hope to start the renovation ASAP.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes
This segment has been a HUGE success. People of all shapes and sizes love it. From North Seattle to Skyway, "Road to the BigTime's" newest special is sweeping the city like last weeks rain storm. Excitement in literally flooding out of every neighborhood of Seattle. Houses were destroyed. Parts of I-5 are still closed. My friends looking like athletes is the biggest thing that has ever happened. Ever.
Enough hype. Now I have to maintain the momentum and live up to the ridiculously high expectations. That's cool, we like pressure. We thrive on pressure. Here is the newest edition of, "My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes."
After endless requests from female fans, Caitlin and Avery, we have our first female look alike. I gotta say though, picking a girl look alike is hard for a few reasons. Number one, I don't watch very many female sports, so there could be a million women that look like my friends -- Sue Bird could be Annasara's twin sister for fuck's sake -- and I wouldn't know. Second, I don't want to offend any of my female readers by saying that they look like an ugly girl. I could care less about telling Sam that he looks like Slava "Super-Euro" Medvedenko, he's a big boy and good sport, but if I told some girl she looked like Calvin Booth, I'd lose a reader and probably get my ass kicked. Third, it's easy for guys to look alike. Same hair cut, same nose, you look the same. Girls have so much going on, it's hard to find similarities.
So what did I do? I looked to my favorite female team of all time. The 1999 Women's World Cup team. How did it take me this long? Like I've said before, that is one of my all time favorite teams. This was a natural. With our further ado, our first female looks alike.
My friend Sara Foster.
And 1999 World Cup Champion, Julie Foudy.
They look alike, they are both attractive, and you know who both of them are. A triple threat. The perfect look alike. I am the man.
Next, a not so attractive look alike duo. Let me take that back, the athlete is ugly, my buddy is deceptively handsome. Iain rode his bike from here to NYC, he is the man. This is what he looks like.
Chris Kamen on the other hand, not the man, not good looking, and not deceptively anything. He looks like the Fremont Troll. My appologies to Iain, but as you can see, I have a point.
Lastly, I have to extend my thanks to Sam Morton for this one. I appreciate the active participation in the blog. Any body can make suggestions. Don't let Sam be the only person to notice that one of our friends looks like an athlete, offer your assistance. Here is our buddy Sean Lawson.
And here is the softest QB in the NFL, Eli Manning. Please note, Sean is the opposite of soft. One time I ran into him, his shirt covered in blood, and I asked, "what the fuck happened to you, are you okay." To which he responded, "this isn't my blood, I just kicked this Garfield kid's ass!" Sean punctuates as he speaks. Here is Eli.
So, in closing. Sara and Julie Foudy are both cool and pretty, Iain is way better looking than his look alike, and Sean Lawson would beat up Eli Manning. And they all look alike.
Enough hype. Now I have to maintain the momentum and live up to the ridiculously high expectations. That's cool, we like pressure. We thrive on pressure. Here is the newest edition of, "My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes."
After endless requests from female fans, Caitlin and Avery, we have our first female look alike. I gotta say though, picking a girl look alike is hard for a few reasons. Number one, I don't watch very many female sports, so there could be a million women that look like my friends -- Sue Bird could be Annasara's twin sister for fuck's sake -- and I wouldn't know. Second, I don't want to offend any of my female readers by saying that they look like an ugly girl. I could care less about telling Sam that he looks like Slava "Super-Euro" Medvedenko, he's a big boy and good sport, but if I told some girl she looked like Calvin Booth, I'd lose a reader and probably get my ass kicked. Third, it's easy for guys to look alike. Same hair cut, same nose, you look the same. Girls have so much going on, it's hard to find similarities.
So what did I do? I looked to my favorite female team of all time. The 1999 Women's World Cup team. How did it take me this long? Like I've said before, that is one of my all time favorite teams. This was a natural. With our further ado, our first female looks alike.
My friend Sara Foster.
And 1999 World Cup Champion, Julie Foudy.
They look alike, they are both attractive, and you know who both of them are. A triple threat. The perfect look alike. I am the man.
Next, a not so attractive look alike duo. Let me take that back, the athlete is ugly, my buddy is deceptively handsome. Iain rode his bike from here to NYC, he is the man. This is what he looks like.
Chris Kamen on the other hand, not the man, not good looking, and not deceptively anything. He looks like the Fremont Troll. My appologies to Iain, but as you can see, I have a point.
Lastly, I have to extend my thanks to Sam Morton for this one. I appreciate the active participation in the blog. Any body can make suggestions. Don't let Sam be the only person to notice that one of our friends looks like an athlete, offer your assistance. Here is our buddy Sean Lawson.
And here is the softest QB in the NFL, Eli Manning. Please note, Sean is the opposite of soft. One time I ran into him, his shirt covered in blood, and I asked, "what the fuck happened to you, are you okay." To which he responded, "this isn't my blood, I just kicked this Garfield kid's ass!" Sean punctuates as he speaks. Here is Eli.
So, in closing. Sara and Julie Foudy are both cool and pretty, Iain is way better looking than his look alike, and Sean Lawson would beat up Eli Manning. And they all look alike.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
No Place Like Home
Last night was the night. The one night when it's acceptable to take the trip back to high school and feel totally comfortable acting like you never left. At least that's what we tell ourselves. But that's because Franklin/Garfield is more than just a high school basketball game. Honestly, you could go the gym and not watch single second of the game and still have one of the best times you'll ever have. With the Southenders and Central Districteers who treat the game like a hood fashion show, you're going to see a lot of things you don't usually see. There were more Air Force 1's per capita last night than I've ever seen before. I even broke mine out, I didn't want to look like a fool. Most peoples hair looked nice enough to go to prom, and almost everyone's outfit matched from head to toe. The pre-game music was as great as ever. A steady mix of popular rap and classic hip-hop, even songs like "I'm So Hood," that you've heard a hundred times, hold a lot more meaning when everyone in the whole gym is bobbing to the beat. The Franklin dance team was as hilarious as ever. Pop-locking and snapping to a nice mix of popular music, served as the perfect platform for them to insult Garfield. For some reason making fun of another school is always way funnier though dance. After the game was over the post game festivities were as entertaining as ever. The police standing there as awkwardly as fat seventh graders at a middle school dance, scowling at the few random youngsters who felt the need to proclaim their toughness by ripping off their shirts and yelling loudly what part of town they came from, all while cleverly avoiding any real fighting. Ah yes, the Franklin/Garfield game is always exactly what I need to rejuvinate any loss of Southend pride that I may have lost over the past year.
Somehow, in the middle of all this, they managed to fit a basketball game in. Now, the the rivalry isn't as competitive as it once was, as the Quakers have managed to run off 13 straight wins over the beleaguered Bulldogs. But please believe that both teams still hate each other, and want to win as badly as ever. There are, and always have been, great players involved in this clash of the Seattle basketball titans. And this year is no excpetion. In fact, this year we may have seen two of the best players that either school has ever seen. On the Garfield side, Anthony Wroten, a 6'5'' freshmen point guard, who is the number one recruit in the nation for his class. He was phenomenal. An overly cocky left handed player, who has so much athleticism that it is insane to believe that he was playing in middle school just 6 months ago. He scored 29 points, he probably had around 8 assists, and he let all the Quaker fans know that it's not going to be so easy to beat the Bulldogs for the next four years. And on the Franklin side, Peyton Siva, a 6'1'' junior guard, who for my money, is the best player that has played at Franklin under Jason Kerr. (other than J-Sky of course) I'm talking about Alvin Snow, Anthony Grant, Aaron Brooks, Lyndel Burleson and Venoy Overton. Peyton is better than all of those guys. He is as fast as any of them, with more stroke, better passing, and as much athleticism as you can imagine. He caught a lob last night from Sterling Carter, that I thought was going to end up going over the back board. He went up so high, with two hands, I think he might be an alien. Or simply a super Samoan. He ended up with 22 points, 11 assists, 7 steals, and 7 rebounds, and he was passing first. He probably could've had 15 assists if guys weren't missing layups, and if he'd have been shooting he'd have scored 35.
Lorenzo Romar was just one of the hundreds of people who had the privelage of watching the latest installment of the Franklin/Garfield saga. He had a great vantage point, standing on the far baseline, trying valiantly to hide any and all emotion as he watched the two teams run. But even he, the most poker faced of scouts, couldn't help but yell and drop his jaw when Peyton went and got that lob. I looked over and saw him, standing right next to Justin Dentmon (who probably came along in hopes that the Quaker greatness would rub off on him, either that or he wanted to see where all of his replacements are coming from) when Pepe went skyward, and he went as crazy as the rest of us. Let's hope Peyton follows in the footsteps of his fellow Quaker Venoy Overton, and graces the Huskies with his greatness.
The Quakers came out on top, 85-70, in what was by far the most competitive game between the two schools in the past three years. A far cry from last years 22-0 first quarter run, this year we saw that the rivalry may soon be getting back to where it belongs. As much as I love beating those bastard Bulldogs, it's a lot more fun when they have talent. Anthony Wroten is hopefully the beginning of something good at Garfield. And maybe, in couple of years they'll end our double digit winning streak. But until then FQ up, GB down. Southend! Go Quakers.
Somehow, in the middle of all this, they managed to fit a basketball game in. Now, the the rivalry isn't as competitive as it once was, as the Quakers have managed to run off 13 straight wins over the beleaguered Bulldogs. But please believe that both teams still hate each other, and want to win as badly as ever. There are, and always have been, great players involved in this clash of the Seattle basketball titans. And this year is no excpetion. In fact, this year we may have seen two of the best players that either school has ever seen. On the Garfield side, Anthony Wroten, a 6'5'' freshmen point guard, who is the number one recruit in the nation for his class. He was phenomenal. An overly cocky left handed player, who has so much athleticism that it is insane to believe that he was playing in middle school just 6 months ago. He scored 29 points, he probably had around 8 assists, and he let all the Quaker fans know that it's not going to be so easy to beat the Bulldogs for the next four years. And on the Franklin side, Peyton Siva, a 6'1'' junior guard, who for my money, is the best player that has played at Franklin under Jason Kerr. (other than J-Sky of course) I'm talking about Alvin Snow, Anthony Grant, Aaron Brooks, Lyndel Burleson and Venoy Overton. Peyton is better than all of those guys. He is as fast as any of them, with more stroke, better passing, and as much athleticism as you can imagine. He caught a lob last night from Sterling Carter, that I thought was going to end up going over the back board. He went up so high, with two hands, I think he might be an alien. Or simply a super Samoan. He ended up with 22 points, 11 assists, 7 steals, and 7 rebounds, and he was passing first. He probably could've had 15 assists if guys weren't missing layups, and if he'd have been shooting he'd have scored 35.
Lorenzo Romar was just one of the hundreds of people who had the privelage of watching the latest installment of the Franklin/Garfield saga. He had a great vantage point, standing on the far baseline, trying valiantly to hide any and all emotion as he watched the two teams run. But even he, the most poker faced of scouts, couldn't help but yell and drop his jaw when Peyton went and got that lob. I looked over and saw him, standing right next to Justin Dentmon (who probably came along in hopes that the Quaker greatness would rub off on him, either that or he wanted to see where all of his replacements are coming from) when Pepe went skyward, and he went as crazy as the rest of us. Let's hope Peyton follows in the footsteps of his fellow Quaker Venoy Overton, and graces the Huskies with his greatness.
The Quakers came out on top, 85-70, in what was by far the most competitive game between the two schools in the past three years. A far cry from last years 22-0 first quarter run, this year we saw that the rivalry may soon be getting back to where it belongs. As much as I love beating those bastard Bulldogs, it's a lot more fun when they have talent. Anthony Wroten is hopefully the beginning of something good at Garfield. And maybe, in couple of years they'll end our double digit winning streak. But until then FQ up, GB down. Southend! Go Quakers.
Best Names in Sports
I appreciate all the participation so far. I'm very happy to see that you all are interested in making "Road to the BigTime" an interactive blog. But...I asked that you send me your names via email, or at least via facebook message. Unfortunately most of you posted your whole shit on my wall. It looks like reading comprehension is a problem among my readers, this maybe a problem. So, if you haven't already disregarded my attempts to keep your names and explanations private, please send me your players over email or facebook message. If you already blew it, that's fine, but you should probably work on your reading, you may face other problems in the future if you don't step your game up.
Special thanks to Tam Johnson and Matt Emmick you actually listened and emailed me their selections. This won't give them any advantage in the contest, but when they die, on their death beds, they will receive total consciousness. So they got that going for them.
Special thanks to Tam Johnson and Matt Emmick you actually listened and emailed me their selections. This won't give them any advantage in the contest, but when they die, on their death beds, they will receive total consciousness. So they got that going for them.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Franklin v. Garfield Pre-Game and other random stuff
Tonight is my sports Christmas. For me, the Franklin v. Garfield basketball game at Franklin, is the most fun sporting event of the year. It's basically what I live for. Everything that I love about sports, boiled down into one two and half hour experience. I call it an experience because that is what it is. With the music, the hype, the tradition, the rivalry, the love, the hate, and everything else, it adds up to be the most electric atmosphere for sports that I have ever been a part of. I don't want to blow my whole load before the game even happens, but I just wanted to preview the game, and let everyone know that there will be a full recount of the game coming later tonight. I plan to blog my brains out for this one.
On a few other random notes, I want to talk a little about the Seahawks, the Monday Night game, and the new best open gym in Seattle.
- First off, the Hawks. Four in a row baby. This pass first, second and third offense is pretty effective, and now that it has succeeded against a mildly formidable opponent we can be pretty confident in it. The Eagles are pretty good, in fact they only lost to the Patriots by three. They lost to us by four. By that math, we are better than the Pats. So chew on that. It's delicious isn't it? Well, maybe we aren't exactly the Patriots, but we are looking pretty good, and that's pretty exciting especially if you think back to how we looked against the Steelers.
- Second, the Monday Night game. What an interesting plot twist the Pats season has taken. From demolishing everything and everyone in their path, to needing more luck than a leprechaun to beat the woeful Ravens. And then after the game, the Ravens players telling tales of cheating, and even potentially racist refs. It's one thing for the refs to be biased towards the team that is garnishing all the attention in the league. I don't want to say that I support the Patriots getting some calls in their direction, but I can certainly understand why they'd get the benefit of the doubt. They've been the best team all year, things are bound to bounce in their direction. But to hear about referees calling players on the Ravens, "boy". Antrell Rolle said that he was referred to as "boy" on at least 5 occasions by the refs. That is insane. I hope that more on this comes out in the next few days, and if those refs were acting like that, I hope they the boot. You can't cheat for an already superior team, and degrade the opposing players all at the same time.
- And last, the newest and greatest open gym in Seattle...will be run by me. I convinced the AD at Franklin to allow me to have "golf conditioning" four nights a week in the North gym at Franklin. What does this mean? It means that all of my volunteer "golf coaches" (you all) get to come play basketball with me, and possibly some of my team members, Monday thru Thursday 8:30-10 pm. So, get at me if you wanna come play. I have to warn you though, if you come you face the very likely chance that I will cross you over and call you a name. I pull up from 30 feet like it's nothing, and I slapped on my brother twice last week. You've been warned.
FULL FQ v. G-Field coverage coming soon. Stay tuned.
On a few other random notes, I want to talk a little about the Seahawks, the Monday Night game, and the new best open gym in Seattle.
- First off, the Hawks. Four in a row baby. This pass first, second and third offense is pretty effective, and now that it has succeeded against a mildly formidable opponent we can be pretty confident in it. The Eagles are pretty good, in fact they only lost to the Patriots by three. They lost to us by four. By that math, we are better than the Pats. So chew on that. It's delicious isn't it? Well, maybe we aren't exactly the Patriots, but we are looking pretty good, and that's pretty exciting especially if you think back to how we looked against the Steelers.
- Second, the Monday Night game. What an interesting plot twist the Pats season has taken. From demolishing everything and everyone in their path, to needing more luck than a leprechaun to beat the woeful Ravens. And then after the game, the Ravens players telling tales of cheating, and even potentially racist refs. It's one thing for the refs to be biased towards the team that is garnishing all the attention in the league. I don't want to say that I support the Patriots getting some calls in their direction, but I can certainly understand why they'd get the benefit of the doubt. They've been the best team all year, things are bound to bounce in their direction. But to hear about referees calling players on the Ravens, "boy". Antrell Rolle said that he was referred to as "boy" on at least 5 occasions by the refs. That is insane. I hope that more on this comes out in the next few days, and if those refs were acting like that, I hope they the boot. You can't cheat for an already superior team, and degrade the opposing players all at the same time.
- And last, the newest and greatest open gym in Seattle...will be run by me. I convinced the AD at Franklin to allow me to have "golf conditioning" four nights a week in the North gym at Franklin. What does this mean? It means that all of my volunteer "golf coaches" (you all) get to come play basketball with me, and possibly some of my team members, Monday thru Thursday 8:30-10 pm. So, get at me if you wanna come play. I have to warn you though, if you come you face the very likely chance that I will cross you over and call you a name. I pull up from 30 feet like it's nothing, and I slapped on my brother twice last week. You've been warned.
FULL FQ v. G-Field coverage coming soon. Stay tuned.
Friday, November 30, 2007
I Don't Wanna Hear It
I haven't had a rant in a while, and it is time. Oh boy, is it time!!
There is a lot of pretty annoying shit going on right now in the Seattle sports scene. Stuff that certainly warrants much of the complaining and belly aching that I've been hearing. Yes, we are tortured. Yes, we are pathetic. Yes, we are unlucky. But that doesn't mean that you have to give up so god damn easily. And it certainly doesn't give you the right to do any of the following: A, stop caring about your "favorite" team, B, whine like a little punk, C, root for another team.
Here is my response to many of the complaints and sentiments that I have been hearing over the past few weeks. Start acting like sports fans.
Here is one that I've been hearing a lot lately.
"Why should I root for the Sonics? They're just gonna move to Oklahoma City in year anyway."
First of all. Fuck you. Maybe they won't leave. And if they don't, all those self loathing, woe is me, sorry sap Sonics "fans" that jumped ship this year don't get to get back on the wagon when they stay in town and Kevin Durant is shaking his shit at the whole NBA for the next 15 years. Sorry ass hole. You have to root for the Blazers, because that's what you said you were gonna to do in 2007, and we don't want any fair weather, band wagon fans fucking up KD's flow.
Second of all. Fuck you again. What would Shawn Kemp and Gary Payton think if they knew that just 10 years after they were running this city, that some red neck cow boy from Oklahoma could ruin our entire fanhood just by buying the team? I'll tell you what they'd think. Gary would look at you with his head tilted, and then out of the side of his sneered mouth, he'd call you a "Punk Bitch." And then Shawn would ask you where your mom was, and if she was fertile. This team has history!!! It's the only team in our city with a championship. There is greatness in our rafters. Don't forget this.
Third of all. If they do leave, won't you feel like you let them down if you don't do everything in your power as a fan to keep them? Go to the games. Yeah, they suck. But they are fun to watch. They run. They shoot. They play zero defense, so at the very least you're gonna see the other team at it's best. There are good reasons to go and watch this team. KD is gonna be the Rookie of the Year. Delonte West is one of the biggest clowns in the league. And who knows, maybe somebody will choke PJ Carlisemo.
So, as a Sonics fan you have three choices. Go root for your team out of fanhood. Go root for your team out of debt. Or...shut the fuck up.
Another things I'm hearing a lot of is this.
"Let's keep Ty around, he brings in quality guys. Guys that do the right thing, and try, and go to class and act right."
So the fuck what? He could bring in Mother Theresa, and if we lose 8 games a year, he needs to get FIRED!! There is no question what college football, or any high level sport for that matter, is about. WINNING!
A couple of things to consider when analyzing Ty's methods.
Sure he brings in quality guys. His graduation rate is great. The players are approachable and down to earth. They are involved in the University, and they rarely get in trouble. So make him the AD. We all agree that Todd Turner is a douche anyway. If we feel like we need to keep Ty around so much, since he is so great for the program, then make him the Athletic Director.
But, who says you need "quality" guys. Some of my favorite all time Huskies would more than likely not be in this category of students. Look at what June Jones is doing in Hawaii. He is basically coaching that team by the Statue of Liberty motto. I don't mean the trick play the Boise State used to win the Aloha Bowl last January. I mean the motto "Give us your poor, your tired, your huddled masses..." June will take anybody...as long as you can play. He doesn't care if you spent 15 months in Juvie, Davone Bess. He doesn't care if you just wanna chill in the South End and smoke, Jordan Slye. He doesn't care if you get hammered and shake your dick at people, Colt Brennen. If you can play, you have a spot at Hawaii. And guess what? They are undefeated. And this Saturday - when these two schools, of students and of thought, collide - we'll see who wins.
And lastly. The Shaun Alexander debate.
"He's better than Mo Morris. If you take away the two or three big runs that Mo gets every week, he averages less than 3 yards per carry. Shaun can do that."
Wow. I know I said I was done talking about Shaun about four weeks ago, but people insist on bringing it back up. Listen when I tell you...Shaun Alexander is DONE!!! He got his money. He ran behind the best line in the past 20 years, and he GOT HIS MONEY. Now all he wants to do is pray, pretend to kiss his wife, and giggle. Nowhere in his life is there room for playing good football anymore.
Three reasons I don't wanna hear it.
1. Since Shaun went down, and we've gone with Mo and the pass first offense, we're 3-0. Undefeated with Mo. Undefeated without Shaun. Very simple.
2. "Without those two or three big runs..." Why would you discount those two or three big runs? They happen. They exist. Every week Mo busts a couple of huge plays. That's what he does. If you take away those two or three touchdowns Tom Brady throws every Sunday he probably won't break Peyton Mannings record either. But you don't, because they happen.
3. We are playing a pass first offense, and winning. Not only is Shaun Alexander one of the worst pass catching backs in the NFL, he has a broken hand. If he plays, the offense changes, and we slow down an offense that is playing better over the past three weeks than it has in over a year.
So, I hope we are clear. Stop the bitching. Or at least bitch about the right stuff. Go see Kevin Durant, if only out of respect for GP and the Reign Man. And when you do, boo Wally Szcerbiak. Not only do we still need to hate him for the 41 he put on the Dawgs in the tourney 8 years ago, but he's fat now. Boo him. Stop defending Ty, he is a loser. We don't want to be losers do we? Mora, Mora, Mora!! Start the chants, he's coming. And don't ask for Shaun. That's like crawling back to your gold digging ex-girlfriend. Mo Morris is your new girlfriend, treat him/her right.
There is a lot of pretty annoying shit going on right now in the Seattle sports scene. Stuff that certainly warrants much of the complaining and belly aching that I've been hearing. Yes, we are tortured. Yes, we are pathetic. Yes, we are unlucky. But that doesn't mean that you have to give up so god damn easily. And it certainly doesn't give you the right to do any of the following: A, stop caring about your "favorite" team, B, whine like a little punk, C, root for another team.
Here is my response to many of the complaints and sentiments that I have been hearing over the past few weeks. Start acting like sports fans.
Here is one that I've been hearing a lot lately.
"Why should I root for the Sonics? They're just gonna move to Oklahoma City in year anyway."
First of all. Fuck you. Maybe they won't leave. And if they don't, all those self loathing, woe is me, sorry sap Sonics "fans" that jumped ship this year don't get to get back on the wagon when they stay in town and Kevin Durant is shaking his shit at the whole NBA for the next 15 years. Sorry ass hole. You have to root for the Blazers, because that's what you said you were gonna to do in 2007, and we don't want any fair weather, band wagon fans fucking up KD's flow.
Second of all. Fuck you again. What would Shawn Kemp and Gary Payton think if they knew that just 10 years after they were running this city, that some red neck cow boy from Oklahoma could ruin our entire fanhood just by buying the team? I'll tell you what they'd think. Gary would look at you with his head tilted, and then out of the side of his sneered mouth, he'd call you a "Punk Bitch." And then Shawn would ask you where your mom was, and if she was fertile. This team has history!!! It's the only team in our city with a championship. There is greatness in our rafters. Don't forget this.
Third of all. If they do leave, won't you feel like you let them down if you don't do everything in your power as a fan to keep them? Go to the games. Yeah, they suck. But they are fun to watch. They run. They shoot. They play zero defense, so at the very least you're gonna see the other team at it's best. There are good reasons to go and watch this team. KD is gonna be the Rookie of the Year. Delonte West is one of the biggest clowns in the league. And who knows, maybe somebody will choke PJ Carlisemo.
So, as a Sonics fan you have three choices. Go root for your team out of fanhood. Go root for your team out of debt. Or...shut the fuck up.
Another things I'm hearing a lot of is this.
"Let's keep Ty around, he brings in quality guys. Guys that do the right thing, and try, and go to class and act right."
So the fuck what? He could bring in Mother Theresa, and if we lose 8 games a year, he needs to get FIRED!! There is no question what college football, or any high level sport for that matter, is about. WINNING!
A couple of things to consider when analyzing Ty's methods.
Sure he brings in quality guys. His graduation rate is great. The players are approachable and down to earth. They are involved in the University, and they rarely get in trouble. So make him the AD. We all agree that Todd Turner is a douche anyway. If we feel like we need to keep Ty around so much, since he is so great for the program, then make him the Athletic Director.
But, who says you need "quality" guys. Some of my favorite all time Huskies would more than likely not be in this category of students. Look at what June Jones is doing in Hawaii. He is basically coaching that team by the Statue of Liberty motto. I don't mean the trick play the Boise State used to win the Aloha Bowl last January. I mean the motto "Give us your poor, your tired, your huddled masses..." June will take anybody...as long as you can play. He doesn't care if you spent 15 months in Juvie, Davone Bess. He doesn't care if you just wanna chill in the South End and smoke, Jordan Slye. He doesn't care if you get hammered and shake your dick at people, Colt Brennen. If you can play, you have a spot at Hawaii. And guess what? They are undefeated. And this Saturday - when these two schools, of students and of thought, collide - we'll see who wins.
And lastly. The Shaun Alexander debate.
"He's better than Mo Morris. If you take away the two or three big runs that Mo gets every week, he averages less than 3 yards per carry. Shaun can do that."
Wow. I know I said I was done talking about Shaun about four weeks ago, but people insist on bringing it back up. Listen when I tell you...Shaun Alexander is DONE!!! He got his money. He ran behind the best line in the past 20 years, and he GOT HIS MONEY. Now all he wants to do is pray, pretend to kiss his wife, and giggle. Nowhere in his life is there room for playing good football anymore.
Three reasons I don't wanna hear it.
1. Since Shaun went down, and we've gone with Mo and the pass first offense, we're 3-0. Undefeated with Mo. Undefeated without Shaun. Very simple.
2. "Without those two or three big runs..." Why would you discount those two or three big runs? They happen. They exist. Every week Mo busts a couple of huge plays. That's what he does. If you take away those two or three touchdowns Tom Brady throws every Sunday he probably won't break Peyton Mannings record either. But you don't, because they happen.
3. We are playing a pass first offense, and winning. Not only is Shaun Alexander one of the worst pass catching backs in the NFL, he has a broken hand. If he plays, the offense changes, and we slow down an offense that is playing better over the past three weeks than it has in over a year.
So, I hope we are clear. Stop the bitching. Or at least bitch about the right stuff. Go see Kevin Durant, if only out of respect for GP and the Reign Man. And when you do, boo Wally Szcerbiak. Not only do we still need to hate him for the 41 he put on the Dawgs in the tourney 8 years ago, but he's fat now. Boo him. Stop defending Ty, he is a loser. We don't want to be losers do we? Mora, Mora, Mora!! Start the chants, he's coming. And don't ask for Shaun. That's like crawling back to your gold digging ex-girlfriend. Mo Morris is your new girlfriend, treat him/her right.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Best Names in Sports
This is one of my favorite topics to discuss and debate with friends, family, coworkers, or literally anyone who wants to add their two cents. The best part about this debate is that it is a sports argument, but you don't actually have to know anything about sports. All you need is a sense of humor, and the ability to notice a funny name when you hear one. It is the "Best Name in Sports" debate, and we've all had it.
There are no real ground rules for a selection, although maybe there should be. You can have any reason for liking a name, you just have to be able to justify it. Whether you like the name because it sounds like a bodily function, or malfunction, like the famous NASCAR driver Dick Trickle. Or you like the name because it is ironic, like Darko Milicic, the only white guy drafted in the top ten in the 2003 NBA draft. Or if you just think the name is goofy and it reminds you of your favorite cereal, like Coco Crisp of the Red Sox. Almost any name can be included, as long as you think it's funny.
And that is what I'm looking for; the names that YOU, my friends and loyal readers, think are funny. I could sit here and write down a list of names that I find amusing, tell you why, and try convince you that I am the end all guru of funny sports names. But the truth is, I am not. There are probably names that I have never heard of, that you know, that you would add to my list. So this is what we are going to do. We are going to have our very own "Best Names is Sports" bracket, to find out once and for all, what is the funniest name in all of sports. Here is how we will do this.
RULES
1. Everyone will pick one name by December 10th. Only one name per participant, so make sure that you pick the name that you think is the funniest. First come first serve, so if you think you might pick a name that will be popular, tell me soon, so you can be sure you get your athlete.
2. You have to have an explanation for why you think the name is funny. It can be as simple as "his name rhymes with penis, that is hilarious." Or you can get deep, and explain why your selection is funniest for some reason we might not ever have thought of. IT'S UP TO YOU.
3. Everyone who reads this has to participate. I don't care if you simply add the name Rob Simms. And justify it by saying that it's funny because it's simple. I don't care, I just want to have a field of at least 16. Tell your friends, get the names in. Email me the selection, so no one else can see it. abunker206@gmail.com.
4. **Here is the reason you will play. The winner will receive tickets to the Final Four in San Antonio, Texas. An all expenses paid trip for 10, to the Final Four. Five Star hotels, limousines, court side seats, everything you can possibly think of, it'll be yours, all you have to do is win. Simple as that.**
This will actually be pretty fun if enough people play. In closing, you should feel bad if you read this and don't respond with something. All I want is full participation. Plus, this is your chance to prove that you are the most hilarious reader of "Road to the BigTime." That would mean a lot to me.
To get the ball rolling, here is my pick and my explanation. An'Juan Wilderness. The 6 foot 6, 215 pound forward, for the UNC Charlotte 49ers. I chose An'Juan for a few reasons. First, it's important to me for the players last name to be funny, and out of the ordinary. Any body can have a funny first name, but a good last name is rare. Second, anytime you can find a name that you have never heard before you are doing a good job. Third, any name with a non-possessive apostrophe is going to be good. His mom substituted the "T" in Antione, for an apostrophe, thus allowing her to break away from the traditional usage of the "ione" suffix, and use the Spanish "Juan". Damn.
That is creative, hilarious, and in my opinion, going to be hard to beat. The ball is now in your court readers. Impress me. And better yet, impress each other.
**Sike.
There are no real ground rules for a selection, although maybe there should be. You can have any reason for liking a name, you just have to be able to justify it. Whether you like the name because it sounds like a bodily function, or malfunction, like the famous NASCAR driver Dick Trickle. Or you like the name because it is ironic, like Darko Milicic, the only white guy drafted in the top ten in the 2003 NBA draft. Or if you just think the name is goofy and it reminds you of your favorite cereal, like Coco Crisp of the Red Sox. Almost any name can be included, as long as you think it's funny.
And that is what I'm looking for; the names that YOU, my friends and loyal readers, think are funny. I could sit here and write down a list of names that I find amusing, tell you why, and try convince you that I am the end all guru of funny sports names. But the truth is, I am not. There are probably names that I have never heard of, that you know, that you would add to my list. So this is what we are going to do. We are going to have our very own "Best Names is Sports" bracket, to find out once and for all, what is the funniest name in all of sports. Here is how we will do this.
RULES
1. Everyone will pick one name by December 10th. Only one name per participant, so make sure that you pick the name that you think is the funniest. First come first serve, so if you think you might pick a name that will be popular, tell me soon, so you can be sure you get your athlete.
2. You have to have an explanation for why you think the name is funny. It can be as simple as "his name rhymes with penis, that is hilarious." Or you can get deep, and explain why your selection is funniest for some reason we might not ever have thought of. IT'S UP TO YOU.
3. Everyone who reads this has to participate. I don't care if you simply add the name Rob Simms. And justify it by saying that it's funny because it's simple. I don't care, I just want to have a field of at least 16. Tell your friends, get the names in. Email me the selection, so no one else can see it. abunker206@gmail.com.
4. **Here is the reason you will play. The winner will receive tickets to the Final Four in San Antonio, Texas. An all expenses paid trip for 10, to the Final Four. Five Star hotels, limousines, court side seats, everything you can possibly think of, it'll be yours, all you have to do is win. Simple as that.**
This will actually be pretty fun if enough people play. In closing, you should feel bad if you read this and don't respond with something. All I want is full participation. Plus, this is your chance to prove that you are the most hilarious reader of "Road to the BigTime." That would mean a lot to me.
To get the ball rolling, here is my pick and my explanation. An'Juan Wilderness. The 6 foot 6, 215 pound forward, for the UNC Charlotte 49ers. I chose An'Juan for a few reasons. First, it's important to me for the players last name to be funny, and out of the ordinary. Any body can have a funny first name, but a good last name is rare. Second, anytime you can find a name that you have never heard before you are doing a good job. Third, any name with a non-possessive apostrophe is going to be good. His mom substituted the "T" in Antione, for an apostrophe, thus allowing her to break away from the traditional usage of the "ione" suffix, and use the Spanish "Juan". Damn.
That is creative, hilarious, and in my opinion, going to be hard to beat. The ball is now in your court readers. Impress me. And better yet, impress each other.
**Sike.
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