Road to the BigTime

A Week of Stories and Thoughts

2009-05-10T22:34:00.000-07:00

It was a great first week of freedom. I slept in, I golfed, I drank to excess and I spent hours upon hours watching old World Series games on MLB Network (which is the greatest specialty network yet...blows NBA and NFL out of the water). Oh yeah, I also went to Palo Alto...where I golfed, drank to excess and partied with a bunch of law students who had just finished their finals. If you thought you partied in college after finals, you were having a tea party compared to these recently freed law students. They flat out get after it, and anyone who knows me knows I'm into that. Anyway it was a great week for me, and I have a few thoughts on what was a busy sports week, and some tales from what happens when you don't have a job.

Let's start with Manny. Anyone who has read this blog before is probably at least a little familiar with my feeling about Mr. Ramirez...and his anatomy. This whole thing is all very easy to explain when you apply my theory of Manny-tivity. Let's break this thing down a little bit.

Why does Manny wear baggy pants? Why does Manny fall down all the time? Why did he used to wear the number 24? Why does he stand in the batters box and watch his own home runs like an art critic in the Louvre?

All of those questions have the same answer. His is 4 times bigger than yours. Which explains why he was taking a women's fertility drug, that some men take to reduce testosterone. MOST men that take the drug human chorionic gonadotropin (HGC) are doing so to reduce testosterone levels after coming off of a steroid cycle. But as we all know, Manny is not MOST men. Manny is you, your dad, your brother and your neighbor. He is your entire carpool. It's only natural that he would have four times the normal male testosterone level.

I plan to submit this case to the MLBPA tomorrow, so worry not Dodger fans, Manny should be back by the weekend.

Alright, moving on to other non-male genitalia related stories, I want to talk about beer pong. Everyone knows what beer pong is, everyone plays it, and everyone loves it. Before my trip to Palo Alto I was guilty of the first two statements in the last sentence, but I never really loved it. Maybe it was due to the fact that I was overexposed to shirtless douche bags listening to Sublime while playing beer pong in college. Maybe it was due to the fact that most guys that are good at beer pong are good at little else, and I hate losing at physical activities to people with next to no physical gifts. Or maybe it was due to my tendency to try to reject certain aspects of the college culture in my post college days. Whatever the reasons may have been, I was dead wrong. Beer pong is awesome. I am sorry for any people that I may have offended over the years in avoiding the game, or denying it's play on my ping pong table. Later this week I'll tell the story of why I now love the game so much.

My trip to Palo Alto wasn't all golf and beer pong though. I actually did make one potentially productive step towards my future. Last Friday I was lucky enough set up a meeting with the Program Director of KNBR, the sports radio station in San Francisco. KNBR has such a strong signal that you can get it here in Seattle (it's 680 on your AM dial) and it's the home of the Giants and Warriors. I suggest you give it a listen, because their hosts are badass.

Anyway, the Program Director's name is Lee Hammer. So if I wasn't nervous enough about just meeting the big boss of one of the biggest sports radio stations in the country, I had to deal with the fact that his name is Mr. Hammer. It's a 45 minute drive from Palo Alto to Downtown San Francisco, and the whole drive I was imagining my meeting with Lee Hammer, the 6'5'' monster that would literally hammer my skull if he didn't like what I had to say. I pictured this huge hulk of a man hurling San Francisco sports trivia at me, just hoping I'd slip up so he could smash me. By the time I finally got to the station I was pretty sure I just drove 30 miles to get my ass kicked.

I was further tortured when I arrived 10 minutes early for my meeting, only to receive notice that Lee was running 15 minutes late, so I had an extra 25 minutes to think of ways that I could get "Hammered" by the Big Boss. After an excruciating half hour in the lobby, I was finally called into the office...to be murdered I was pretty sure. But what I was greeted by was not even close to what I had imagined. Lee Hammer wasn't 6'5''. He wasn't even 6 feet. He was about an inch shorter than me, bald, and the only thing that could have been read as intimidating was his all black outfit. Black slacks, with black Giants polo shirt. My fears had all but melted away, and we were headlong into a full fledged job interview.

"Your resume is strong. And if all the stuff you have on here is true, there is more than likely a place for you here at KNBR," said the unintimidating radio boss.

So, I'm moving to San Francisco.

No, no. I'm joking. But it was nice to hear that I may have that option if I want. I wasn't going into the meeting with the hope of getting a job, I just wanted Lee Hammer to know who I am when I apply for a job there in 10 years or whatever. I guess it worked out a little better than that. At the very least, I am no longer afraid of Lee Hammer, so that's good.

Now, on the to the most prevalent part of my trip to California, and my recent vacation in general. As you all know, I've been on vacation for 2 weeks now. And my major vow was to golf as much as possible, and blog here and there. While the blogging has been infrequent, the golfing has been anything but.

I got the chance to play the Stanford Golf Course while I was in Palo Alto, and more importantly I was lucky enough to play with a professional caddy named Juan Ramos. He has caddied for a couple guys on the Senior PGA Tour, and is currently bag jocking for a high school kid who is trying to qualify for the US Open. The difference that a pro caddy can make is amazing. After 3 holes, he knew pretty much what to tell me, and everything he said helped. I played great, I putted well, and I even made an eagle. It was on the par 5 7th, 498 yards which dog legged to the left. I cleared the corner with huge drive, and had about 173 yards to a back pin placement. I pured a 6 iron to about 45 feet, and drained the uphill putt for a clean 3.

As a matter of fact, I am playing quite well these days. I guess you would be too if you had played 13 of the last 14 days like I have, but I just want to relay how pleased I am with my game currently. I have a tournament this Sunday, I plan to relay the results to all of you via blog. Let's hope I play well, and if not let's hope I play hilariously bad.

Back to my trip. The whole point of the trip was to help my lady pack up her things after her first year of law school, and drive back up here in her car. She drives a 1994 Ford Taurus. It sucked. The company could not have been better, and the trip went very smoothly. But nonetheless, driving 1000 miles sucks. Further proof that NASCAR is crazy. Although had we been going 200 MPH it would have more fun...especially through the Siskiyous.

All in all it was a great trip. I hope to make more trips throughout the summer since as we all know, I have nothing but time on my hands. I plan to visit some pals in DC, and maybe try to see some ball parks on the West Coast. I will be sure to blog about anything that seems interesting.

I am about to watch Aaron Brooks and HIS Rockets play the Lakers in game 5. I hope he goes off again for a lot of reasons, but mostly just so Magic Johnson can freak out again on national TV. He was "embarrassed" by the way the Lakers played in game 4. And he knows a thing or two about being embarrassed...as you may recall he contracted HIV while cheating on his wife, boy was his face red. You know what's really embarrassing? Grown men who can't describe the game that they once thrived in. Magic Johnson is inarguably one of the greatest NBA players of all time. At the same time he can't form three consecutive sentences without sounding like a moron. He's terrible. He is a starter on the All Terrible Ex-Player Announcer Team (I know, a very clever name for the team). It consists of Eric Snow at the 1, Craig Ehlo at the 2, Magic at the 3, Chris Webber at the 4, and playing center is Todd McCullough. Sorry Todd, I love ya, but it's not pinball. Anyway, I hope Brooks busts the Lakers asses again so Magic can lecture them on national TV.

Until next time, try not to contract HIV while cheating on your wife, it's unbecoming.

And Stay Out...

2009-05-03T23:26:00.000-07:00

Well, as some of you know, I was "laid off" the other day. And now the rest of you know, because you just read it in the last sentence.

Laid off is a funny phrase to me. Honestly, I think it's a stupid phrase. It's a lot less like getting laid, and a lot more like getting offed. So, in an attempt to find a more suitable description for what happened to me, I consulted the Wikipedia. The Wikipedia almost always has something to say, and when it comes to layoffs, it has lots to say. This was Wikipedia's explanation for the origin of the term layoff: "Originally the term "layoff" referred exclusively to a temporary interruption in work, as when factory work cyclically falls off. However, in recent times the term can also refer to the permanent elimination of a position."

Great, so in this definition they refer not only to the fact that "temporary layoffs" are outdated, they also talk about factory work...which renders thoughts of GM and Ford and the city of Detroit as a whole...thanks a lot Wikipedia.

I was unhappy with what I found in Wikipedia's first paragraph on Layoffs so (this is something that before the layoff I would have never had time for, I was very busy all the time back then) I read on. I came upon the "Further Euphemisms" section. You know how shitty left-handed pitchers are described as "crafty", or slow white point guards are referred to as "heady"? Well that is what this section does for laid off people like me. Here are some terms that Wikipedia suggests that I try: downsized, rightsized, smartsized, redeployed, workforce reduced, workforce optimized, simplification, force shaping, and reduction in force.

Again, thanks a fucking lot Wikipedia. Workforce Optimized? Really? Further down it read: "Look Bunktown, sometimes you just gotta cut off the fat. Don't be such a smelly douche about it." Well, maybe that part isn't true, but nevertheless, I am still unhappy with the term "Laid off", as well as the majority of it's euphemisms.

One euphy (that's what I am calling euphemisms now, feel free to join me in spreading the new slang, another thing I now have plenty of time for) that I actually did like though, was redeployed. I actually liked that one a lot. I like the idea of being deployed in the first place. As if I had been sent to KJR by the Army on a reconnaissance mission. Now that I had served my tour of duty under the Panzer Group that was Groz and Gas, I am being reassigned. What I like best about the term redeployed though, is what I'll be doing on my new mission. Golfing.

You see, while this truly does suck huge gorilla balls, there is a silver lining for me. It's called severance, and it's the greatest thing in the world. It makes no logical sense whatsoever, but at the same time this is the same company that paid me to watch Mariners games, so what do they know about sense. Basically, they are going to pay me my same salary for the next 9 months, and I get my health benefits for another 18 months.

Join me now for a reenactment of what I imagine was the meeting leading up to my dismissal.

My Boss: Well, we are going to have to let a few people go...you know lay them off.

My other boss: Yeah, this is really too bad. This economy really sucks.

First boss: Yeah, this is going to be so hard. Hey! I have an idea!

Second boss: Really? You have a solution?

First boss: Yeah. Why don't we redeploy Andy Bunker to the golf course.

Second boss: What? How will that help?

First boss: No, no. I'm not finished. We will send him to the golf course, but we'll still pay him his same salary, and give him health benefits.

Second boss: I don't know if that's going to solve our financial problems.

First boss: Of course it will. We'll just keep paying him not to work here anymore. And since he will still be getting paid, not to work, he can just focus all his time and energy on golf and not have to worry about getting another job. And...if he's lucky, he can apply for unemployment too, so he'll actually be making more money than we he worked here.

Second boss: You're obviously joking.

First boss: Nope. It's final. Recession over.

Alright. Now that I've had a little fun at the expense of the situation, and the people involved in making these insanely hard decisions, let's talk seriously for a little bit. This blog started because I got an internship on the David Locke Show in the Summer or 2005, and a few of my friends wanted to hear about the funny stuff that I had to do as an intern. From getting Norm Charleton Chinese food from Safeway every night (he loves their General Tso's) to being verbally and emotionally abused by Too Short. I called it Road to the BigTime to make fun of what I was dubbing "my journey to the top of the Seattle Sports Scene." The Road has encountered quite the speed bump this week. Anybody who knows me knew just how much I loved my job, and not being able to do it anymore is really going to be tough. And even though I plan to make a lot of fun of a lot of the people that I worked with at KJR, they were my family I love them for everything. Anyway, I want to say thanks to all the people who have sent me emails, or facebook messages, or bought me shots, or just hung out with me over the past few days. Everyone knows the economy is in shambles right now, and lots of things are changing, it's nice to know that friends don't rise and fall with the fate of the stock market.

Alright, enough of that sentimental BS...what is this a blog about Brett Favre or something? He wears Wranglers by the way. Let's get back that Silver Lining stuff. As I was saying earlier, I have a wealth of free time on my hands now. And along with shaving some strokes off the old handicap, I intend to get this blog back on track. You may have noticed that I am back on blogspot and no longer on Bunktown.com. There are a couple reasons for that: first, I think that whole thing was a bit ambitious, I'm not sure that I need an entire website dedicated to me calling people douche bags and lamenting about the Sonics. Second, I forgot to pay the URL dues, so they canceled my account. Se la vie, back to blogspot it is. I am not sure if I should still call it Road to the BigTime, since I am not exactly working towards anything right now. When it started I was writing for my college buddies, the economy was thriving, and we were all pretty sure we were all going to be rich and famous. Now we're all unemployed, the economy is in worse shape than Vin Baker, and we are hoping they start taking Bachelor of Arts Degrees at Safeway instead of actual money. Maybe I should rename it "Broken Down Car on the Side of the Road to the BigTime."

Anyway, I'm going to do my best to resurrect the blog. Maybe I can even guilt Gas into mentioning it on the air. Another thing that I want to try to do is get the Podcast back going. I have a few more phone numbers than I used to, so maybe we can get some funny conversations with me and some Seattle Sports Guys on tape. At the very least you can read me bashing people unfairly again.

So I didn't get laid off, I got redeployed. I hope you all like reading about how my short game is coming along.

Douche Bag of the Week

2008-03-10T17:53:00.000-07:00

This weeks biggest douche bag has been on our list before, and will most likely be on it again. Only next time he'll probably either be unemployed or play for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. Yes, this weeks biggest DB is the soon to be ex-Seahawk RB, Shaun Alexander. In a week where the Hawks went out and signed two running backs that are both younger, and have smaller contracts, Shaun Alexander appears to be on his way out of town. I don't know about you, but I couldn't take another year of dodging contact, missed blocks, and excuses. And as many memories as 37 has provided, the last two years have been increasingly frustrating. And while I do feel a little bit bad for the guy, I felt like one last Douche Bag of the Week award was the best way for Road to the Big Time to send him out.

Since most of the current Seahawks fans have only been fans since 2005, it is probably going to be pretty hard for them to imagine the Seahawks without Shaun. Let me be the first to tell you that it is going to be okay. Life will go on. You will love again. The first time Julius Jones runs for 100 yards and does the sprinkler dance you'll all forget about old Shaun What's His Name anyway. If you don't believe me, here is a story that might help you quantify the loss you are about to feel.

Growing up, many of us had dogs as pets. I had a small white retriever named Squirt. I got Squirt when I was seven, and he and I were best friends. He was fast, agile, great at fetch, and pretty good at sitting and rolling over too. But as Squirt got older, he became less and less able to do the every day dog activities that I was used to. Fetch went from an hour of fun and exercise, to one or two throws followed by lots of water and panting. And as hard as it was to admit that Squirt wasn't a puppy any more, my family and I came to grips with the fact that we may have to some day replace Squirt with a new puppy who could fetch.

The day my dad came home with Rover was a very strange day. Squirt was washing one of his arthritis pills down with about a gallon of water, when his entire world changed. One minute he was the center of our domestic world; Hours of petting, monthly trips to the vet, even the expensive food from the can. Who was this new dog? So young. So agile. Squirt didn't know exactly what was happening, but he was pretty sure that his run at the top maybe soon coming to an end.

Running backs are like dogs. Families, like football franchises, last for decades. Dogs, like running backs, last about 10 years. One day you are eating a milk bone in the den while getting your tummy rubbed, the next day you are in the back seat of the Le Baron on the way to the vet for a "shot".

Shaun Alexander is on his way to the vet...so to speak.

He was the first MVP in franchise history, he led us to our first ever Super Bowl appearance, we aren't going to forget him. But for the good of everyone involved, Shaun Alexander included, it is time to move forward. So whether you are sad to see him go, or you have waiting for this day for two years like me, pay the guy your respect. And hey, at least we aren't injecting him with an overdose of an anesthetic solution. Sorry Squirt.

Save Our Sonics, Call Your Legislator

2008-03-09T23:23:00.000-07:00

PLEASE call your legislators if you have not already done so. The number is:

1-800-562-600

These calls really do have a huge impact. The fate of the Sonics may be decided in the next three days. I am sure you have read about the proposed Key Arena remodel. This deal is an absolute no-brainer and must be approved during the current legislative session. Please call your legislators and voice your approval. Here are some key talking points:

1) This is extremely time sensitive: Must be done before the NBA owners meeting (mid-April) to be effective

2) This is an unprecedented offer of private money that will support the Key Arena and Seattle Center as a whole

3) Even Critics of Arena spending are finding this to be a GOOD DEAL. This bill actually puts MORE money towards public programs in the long term because it finds specific revenue streams to make needed debt paydown and improvements to the Key Arena. If the Sonics leave these items will still need to be done and with no specific revenue streams allocated for them the improvement will have to come from the general fund.

4) The state CAN do this if they so choose. They will have to make an exception to the rule but have the ability if they want.

5) City funds will be collected via a user fee and NO state funds are required. The state is ONLY being asked to authorize King County to collect the funds from existing sources.

If you really want to make a difference the time is now. The reality is that Sonics can be saved, and sports fans like us are the key to getting this done. Save Our Sonics.

Funny Picture of the Week

2008-03-05T19:26:00.001-08:00

I was at work a few Saturdays ago, when I got a frantic call from my estranged roommate. Barry had been gone on his snowboarding sojourn for over three weeks, and aside from a few facebook wall posts, and late night drunken text messages, I hadn't heard from Barry at all. So needless to say, I was excited. But before I could utter a single word, Barry staring rattling off some crazy line of questions about a former Utah Jazz basketball player.

Now, as I do know a little bit about sports, I am used to calls like this from friends. Whether it be call from a Sonics game from a friend who can't remember the name of that tall left handed guy, who used to shoot all those three's back in the mid 90's (Sam Perkins), or an angry and confused buddy who wants to know why the Mariners would pay $40 million for some fat guy from Minnesota (Carlos Silva), I am pretty used to answering random questions. But I wanted to talk to my buddy Barry.

Here is a script of our conversation:

Me: "Hey, whattup Barry?" I answered excitedly.
Barry: "What is the name of that big tall guy that used to play for the Jazz?"
Me: "What? Where are you?"
Barry: "Utah...what is that guys name?"
Me: "Uh...what? Tall guy? Utah? Uh...when did you get to Utah?"
Barry: "I can't talk long dude, what is that really tall guys name?"
Me: "Tall guy from Utah? I don't know, is he white?"
Barry: "Yeah, he's white and really really tall...like 7 foot 5."
Me: "Oh, that's Mark Eaton...that guy is a huge freak."
Barry: "Mark Eaton...cool dude, thanks. Gotta run."
Me: "What?....."
"Click"

This is how Barry operates. I guess it is impossible not to run at 100 miles per hour when you are constantly high on Skittles and Starbursts. I remained confused about this whole interaction until I received the picture posted above in an email two days later. Barry explained that the pointedness of his call was necessary because they had to chase big Mark down and ask for the picture...but they didn't feel comfortable asking him if they didn't know his name. Even before I knew the extent of the story, I was proud of my quick pull on Eaton's name, but when I found out that the picture wouldn't have happened had my mental rolodex of sports knowledge not been so astute, I was downright proud. It isn't every day that I can apply my sports geekiness in any sort of practical fashion, and it makes me very happy any time I can.

Other funny notes on this picture:
1. Barry is 6'6'', and he looks like a little kid next that giant freak.
2. The skier in the background has a full body, turquoise jump suit.
3. Barry has a moustache.
4. How is it possible that Mark Eaton could play a full NBA career, be that tall, and still be able to ski? That is unbelievable. How can his knees handle it? He is a freak.
5. Can you think of anything funnier than seeing Mark Eaton hit a huge jump? No you can't, it'd be hilarious.

Mark Eaton's career stats:

Games: 875, Games Started: 815, Minutes: 25169, Field Goals Made: 2072,
Field Goals Attempted: 4526, FG Percentage: .458, 3-pointers made: 0,
3-pointers attempted: 2, Total Rebounds: 6939, Assists: 840, Steals: 368,
Blocks: 3064, Points: 5216

Love vs. Haters

2008-03-04T22:54:00.000-08:00

I try my hardest to avoid writing serious blogs. I know that this is a place that you all come to laugh...or at least I hope it is. But there are some things that I cannot avoid talking about, as they strike a chord so deeply rooted in my love for sports that I have no choice but to write about them.

There are reasons that we all love sports specific to our own personalities. Some people love hard work. Some people love athleticism. Some love tradition, or trash talkers, or underdogs. There are as many reasons to love sports as there are sports, or teams, or athletes. But there is one thing in sports that is simply universal. Something that everyone that is truly a sports fan understands. It's what made you jump up and scream with delight, and hug your best friend as you danced around your living room when the Seahawks crushed the Panthers. It's what made you kick a hole in your mom's wall when Richard Hamilton made that last second fade away. It's what made Griffey smile from here to Cooperstown on the bottom of the pile at home plate. It's what made Joey Cora cry in the dugout, and it's what made Alex Rodriguez console him.

It's what made Brett Favre tick.

It's love. The love of the game.

I know a lot of ridiculous, corny, romantic, and possibly even unnecessary things have been written about Brett Favre. And this blog maybe one of them. But for once, in a sports world that completely blows everything out of proportion, I am going to buy into it. And for once, on a blogsite that usually makes fun of the "feel good" story, I am going to try to make you feel good.

Brett Favre announced today that he will call it quits after 17 years of record setting football; that part you already know. What you don't know is how this, whether you loved Favre or not, directly effects you the sports fan. Because as sports fans we are war with haters. People who do not, and will not, love sports. The Nick LaCottas of the world, who feel that sports have no cultural value. The high brows who scoff when you turn the game on or laugh at you if you ask them if they know the final score of the Mariners game. Call them what you want. But for the purposes of this blog, we will simply call them Haters.

You maybe asking what Brett Favre has to do with our fight, Haters don't care about football. Haters only like Emo and coffee. You're right, Haters don't care about football. You could sit there and tell a Hater every single record that Favre has broken. Tell them that he passed for more yards, or touchdowns than anybody else in history. Tell them that he played in 275 games in a row. Tell them that he won more games than anyone else who ever played. You could tell a Hater what ever you wanted to about Brett Favre's football stats, if they turned their Zune off for long enough to listen, and they would never ever care. But that isn't why we love him, and that isn't how he is going to help us.

The next time a Hater gives you that steely-eyed glare, that every fan knows so well, as you open the paper and go straight for the sports page, ask them this. What do you love? But before they can rattle off some condescending response like "art", finish the question. What do you love, as much as I love sports? If they don't have anything that they can admit that they love, then you have already won the argument. But chances are, they will have some sort of answer, whether it actually be art, or music, or politics, or law or whatever, as long as they have an answer then you are playing ball. Excuse the pun. This is where Brett Favre can be used to your advantage. Because whether you like Favre or not, he the embodiment of love in sports. The way he wore his emotions, and played with his heart. The improvisation that he played with. His unconventional style. The joy that he evoked and invoked. His passion. His love.

Spell it out to a Hater like that, and even if they don't like sports, they will see Favre as the icon that they love. Favre is Picasso. He is the Rolling Stones. He is the reason that sports are great. It is lame, and difficult to give one man that much responsibility, or even that much credit, but it's true. I'm not saying that there should be pictures of Favre in the Louvre, or that he should be on the Supreme Court. But in the context of sports, he is what we love. And while it maybe difficult for some to find value in sports, only Haters can't find value in love.

By the way...he will come out of retirement in June or July.

My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes

2008-03-03T17:34:00.001-08:00

Here it is, the triumphant return of "My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes." And I have a look alike that is my favorite so far. Did you hear what I just said?!? My favorite one!! I like it better than the Gelinas/Medvedenko duo, more than Scarpelli/Reali, even more than Emmick/Brady. So, without further ado, I give you Pau and the Pony.

Here is the newest Laker, and every ones favorite unshaven Spaniard, Pau Gasol.

And here is my buddy, The Pony, Ryan Delaney.

Fave 5 Players to Hate

2008-03-02T19:35:00.001-08:00

I was happy to give you all a look into my favorite five guys to watch this season in college basketball. But we all know that I would much rather talk about things that bother me than things that I like. That is why this blog will be dedicated to the five guys in college basketball that I love to hate. The mere sight of these guys sends me into a profanity laden rage. I can't stand their style of play, the way they look, or the things they say. But, the older that I get, the more I realize that these are the guys that fuel my fire for sports. I find myself far more into a game if I am actively rooting against a player or a team, than if I am rooting for a player or a team. If that makes me a hater, then so be it. But I know one thing, making fun of guys is a lot funnier than praising them.

When reading about who I hate most in college basketball, you'll notice that these guys have quite a bit in common. I won't tell you what these similarities are, but let me know if you notice. Also, please accept my apology now if you are white, ugly, or a Duke Blue Devil. God save you if you're all three.

Without any further ado, here are my "Fave Five" players to hate in 2007-2008's college basketball season.

Greg Paulus, Duke-
"What? How can you hate Greg Paulus? He is great. He was an All-American in both football and basketball in high school. He had to make the choice between Duke to play basketball, and Notre Dame to play football. He has gotten better every year of college. And he is one of the hardest working guys in the country."

Here is my retort.

The fact that he considered either Duke or Notre Dame as acceptable options for his collegiate career is about as much as I need to hate a guy. In fact, anyone who would even think about going to Notre Dame is an idiot. And I'm not just mad about the ethnic insensitivity of the mascot either. There are more douche bags between Notre Dame football and Duke B-ball alumni than a Dave Mathews concert at the Gorge.

"What? I love DMB."

In conclusion. If you like Greg Paulus, Duke, Notre Dame, or DMB at the Gorge...you are a douche bag. Also, I have no real reason to hate Greg Paulus, I just do. Duke Point Guard + hard nosed honky = Hate Hate Hate Hate.

Luke Harangody, Notre Dame-
The mere thought of attending Notre Dame was enough for me to hate Greg Paulus, so you can imagine what a guy who actually goes there does to me.

Luke Harangody is basically Notre Dame's version of Jon Brockman. A 20 and 10 guy who has no chance of being any good in the NBA, who all the home fans love, but everybody else absolutely despises. A hard working Catholic boy, who has probably broken his nose more times than he's had sex. Who's only move can aptly be described as "lower your shoulder and plow."

Also, Harangody looks exactly like every meat head frat guy from every college movie that was released in the late 70's and early 80's. Tell me that this isn't an exact mix between Jon Brockman and the bully from "Revenge of the Nerds 2", http://vmedia.rivals.com/IMAGES/PROSPECT/PHOTO/LUKEHARANGODY6_7A150.JPG.

Aaron Baynes, Washington State-
Basically take everything that I said about Harangody, then add the fact that Baynes is a left handed Coug from Australia, and we have a quite a recipe for hate. He reminds me of the white guy from "Blood Sport". You know, the guy that wore he Harley Davidson bandana, and got his spine broken by Chong Li. If only Chong Li would make a trip to Pullman.

Brooke Lopez/Robin Lopez, Stanford-
As if one giant, ugly, shot blocking Stanford Cardinal wasn't enough. I hate these guys so much that I'm mad at their mom for allowing her egg to split...I think that's how twins happen isn't it. Who knows? Anyway, these two look like trolls. The only way you can tell them apart is that Brook has short hair, ad Robin has long hair. And that Brook is twice as good as Robin. It's gonna suck when Brook is in the NBA and Robin has to go back home and be the assistant coach on his high school JV team.

Lorenzo Mata-Real, UCLA-
I retract the statement that I made two days ago about Henry Waxman. He is not the ugliest man alive. That honor is undeniably held by Lorenzo Mata-Real. Although, after a comment made by an astute reader named Gabe Showalter, I am pretty sure that Henry Waxman is the father of Lorenzo Mata-Real...Which makes them the ugliest family in the world. The Lopez family is relieved.

Sixth Man:

David Pendergraft, Gonzaga-
Uh...redheaded.

My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes

2008-02-26T22:43:00.001-08:00

Trading Away W's

2008-02-22T01:03:00.000-08:00

Did you know that until today the Sonics were tied for the league lead in W's?

That's right, we were right up there with the Golden State Warriors. With Earl Watson, Chris Wilcox, Damien Wilkins, and Dalonte West, we had the league lead in guys who's last names start with W.

When your team is as bad as ours is, keeping track of last names is a great way to forget that we lose nearly every night.

But now, we are in a 4 way tie for second, with only three W's left. Leaving CJ Watson, DaJuan Wagner, Brandon Wright, Chris Webber and the aptly named Warriors alone in first place. Congrats fellas.

Along with West, went Wally, to the Cleveland Cavaliers (who acquired two W's today in West and Ben Wallace) in exchange for a couple of pairs of Adidas and three basketballs. I'm joking of course, we got Ira Newbel, who is not nearly as valuable as any pair of Adidas...let alone two pair. Again, I am joking. I am huge fan of what we did this week in terms of trades. We had three trade worthy players, and we traded all three of them.

Here is a brief run down on the trades, and my thoughts:

-The Kurt Thomas trade-
After hearing that we traded Kurt to San Antonio for Brent Barry and Fransisco Elson, I had three knee jerk thoughs: 1. Cool, Brent Barry* is back, I always liked that guy. 2. Great, Fransisco Elson, another crappy foreign black guy that sucks at center. 3. I knew Sam Presti didn't want anyone on the team older than him...also Presti is great.

In fact, after looking at this trade, I bet Presti signed Thomas in the off season with this exact trade in mind. He used to work for the Spurs, he knew how much they were going to need a veteran rebounder for this years run, and he made a move that he knew could get us much more than we deserve. Think about it. We unloaded an aging player in Thomas, who was going to make $8 million this year, and who was most likely going to move on after the season any way since his contract will be up. We picked up two guys, who also have expiring contracts, and who earn a combined $8 million. So basically, those guys cancel each other out. But along with them, we got a first round draft pick in the 2009 draft.

Sam Presti is to draft picks, as Barack Obama is to delegates. They are racking them up.

*The Sonics bought out Barry's contract today. Sadly, there will be no glorious return for Bones.

-The Deltonte West, Wally Szczerbiak trade-
Here were my three knee jerk reactions to this trade: 1. Wow, just when I come around on Wally, we go and get rid of him...too bad. 2. Ben Steitzer is going to be pissed, he loved Delonte West. 3. Sam Presti is not scared.

Indeed, Presti is not scared. He has made more moves in his first 6 months as the Sonics GM than Wally Walker made in his whole career. Presti has a very specific idea of what he wants this team to look like, and he is doing everything that he need to do to make that happen. If you are old, or slow, or you have a big contract, you are most likely not going to be a Sonic in the next few years. He realizes that he is going to have to eat a bit of the money from the old and slow guys he inherited, but he is managing to do so while also getting loads of draft picks in the process. The Sonics have two first round draft picks in each of the next three drafts, and 13 picks in the next 3 drafts over all. Presti wants a team just like him, fresh and young.

Along with my boy Ben Steitzer, I am sad to see West go. It is always good to have a guy around who you can count on for some great quotes. Plus he is the starting 2 guard on the "All Bad Tattoo" Team, and it is sad to see that leave town too. Although we still have the starting center on that team, in Robert Swift.

It's also sad to think that young Maximus won't get to grow up here in Seattle. He, and daddy Wally, will have to learn to love Cleveland. Playing along side a player like LeBron should help a lot in that process. Not only because LeBron is a great player who undoubtedly make Wally better, but because LeBron also has a propensity for naming his children funny names. Young Maximus Szczerbiak will feel right at home with the likes of LeBron James Jr., and LeBron's second child, Bryce Maximus James. You can't make this stuff up.

The NBA, where Maximus happens.

To the Maximus

2008-02-14T16:15:00.001-08:00

Not that anyone really cares aside from me, Shams, Sam Kidder, Sherman Alexie, and most likely Jayda Evans, but the Supes found an even more ridiculous, and frustrating was to lose on Friday night. After playing surprisingly well against a far superior Phoenix Suns team, and down only 1 point in the final minute of the game, Worthless Wally pulled a Chris Webber, and called a time out when there were none left to be called. Both Earl Watson and P.J. Carlesimo claim that the fact that the Sonics had zero time outs was made very clear in the time out leading up to Wally's big whoops. And even if it wasn't, Wally is a 10 year veteran who should know how many time outs his team has.

Like I already said, no one really cares about this. It's likely that even if they had gotten the ball in bounds, the Suns still would have found a way to win. But I really hate Wally Szczerbiak, and I have been looking for a reason to break out a blog about what a historical failure he has been here in Seattle. I find his latest brainless, boneheaded, moronic, idiotic mistake to be the perfect inspiration my latest onslaught of Wally hate.

*******Stop the Presses*********

In the midst of my research, I stumbled upon a gem that changed my entire way of thinking. A nugget of knowledge so hilarious, that I experienced a paradigm shift in hate. During my research I unveiled a number of interesting numbers to back up my distaste for the previously titled "Worthless Wally". I found that he does indeed have a "worth", a value, in his salary...which is 12 million dollars a year. I found that this is the 36th highest salary in the NBA this season. I found that Wally is in the top 36 in only one other statistical category. Not scoring, not rebounding, not steals, or assists. He is 18th in free throw percentage. But, since he gets to the free throw line 68th most in the NBA, this stat isn't exactly flattering. I found that he makes more money than Steve Nash, Gilbert Arenas and Carlos Boozer. I found that he is the third highest paid Seattle Supersonic of all time, behind only Gary Payton and Ray Allen.

But none of this matters anymore. And here is why.

During my research, which mostly entailed googling "Wally Szczerbiak" and reading a few anger evoking Jayda Evans articles, I came across the news that Wally and his wife are pregnant. "Good for Wally," I thought. "Maybe he isn't scoring much for the Sonics, but at least he is scoring at home." But that isn't what caused the sea change. Like Chris Rock once said, "even cockroaches can have kids." What caused the sudden change in my feelings towards Wally, is what he will be naming his baby cockroach. In less than a month, the world will be graced by the presence of Maximus Szczerbiak. (Which reminds me, we need to finish the name contest.) Sometimes things can be so funny, so down right ridiculous that they can change even the most concrete of things. I would have told you that there is no way that I could ever not hate Wally, but I would have been wrong. He hit me where I am at my weakest. I live for names like this.

So, from now on, Wally is fine by me. His 4 inch verticle, his shoot first, second, and third style of offense and his ever growing lack of physical conditioning will no longer bother me. Naming your kid something as ridiculous as this clenses him of his sins.

And oh yeah, I call Maximus Szczerbiak for next years "Funniest Names in Sports" contest.

The Wax Man Cometh

2008-02-13T19:56:00.000-08:00

This is Henry Waxman. Chair of the House Oversight Committee, and leader of the House's investigation into the use of steroids in baseball.

Also, he is the ugliest man alive. He looks like a monster. All baseball has to do to stop steroid use from here on out, is to tell every kid on earth that if they use steroids The Wax Man is gonna eat them in their sleep.

In fact, I bet if Waxman would just eat one of Clemens' kids in front of the House tomorrow, Clemens would break down and tell the truth. Giving all of your kids names that start with K...he should get one of his kids eaten. What an asshole Clemens is.

Anyway, don't use steroids, or the Wax Man will eat your kids.

"Fave Five" Players to Hate

2008-02-07T23:19:00.000-08:00

My Fave Five in College Hoops

2008-02-06T22:06:00.001-08:00

In homage to my favorite commercial of Super Bowl Sunday, I am going to run down my own personal "Fave Five". This has been a great year in college basketball, outside of Montlake, and I think it is high time that I let everyone know who I like, and more importantly who I can't stand.

Before I do, let's talk a little about the "Fave Five" commercial. In an otherwise mediocre year for Super Bowl commercials, the Dwayne Wade and Charles Barkley spot stole the show. While I did enjoy the creepy investing baby, and the awkwardly racist JobGenie.com commercials, the T-Mobile "Fave Five" commercial was by far my fave. Barkley finally let D Wade into his five, and then proceeded to pester him at all hours of the day with phone calls. I have long known that Charles Barkley is hilarious, but I didn't know that he had this sort of scripted humor in him. He has always excelled at of the cuff, over the top, improvised jokes. His role on the NBA on TNT has been the best part of regular season basketball for the past five years. And the "Fave Five" commercials leading up to this one were good too. But this one was great. Here are a few of my fave quotes. And oh yeah, here's the link, http://youtube.com/watch?v=4Phg5SZGl8U.

"Either Play better, or call in sick."

"Do you like popsicles?"

and...

"...and that's why I don't eat shrimp."

Watch it. Laugh. And pray that Charles Barkley lives a long and healthy life, and is able to entertain us all for years to come.

Anyway, here is my College Hoops "Fave Five", and the reasons why. Keep in mind, I'm not saying these guys are the best players in college this year, they are just the guys I like watching the most.

Fave Five:

D.J. Augustine, Texas-
I knew I liked DJ when he predicted that Texas would be better this year now that Kevin Durant is gone to the NBA because quote, "Now that he's gone, I can take more shots." Predicting that your team will improve after losing the Naismith Award winner is bold, but when it actually comes true you are the man. If you need any help coming around on Augustine rewatch the Longhorn's win over UCLA in Los Angeles. He made more big shots in that game than Kevin Durant did all last year. Plus he has a clean haircut every single game. And there is a lot to be said for a clean haircut.

Derick Rose, Memphis-
I realize that this is sort of a lame pick since pretty much everybody loves this guy. He is certainly among the most over hyped freshmen in the country, along with Eric Gordan and Kevin Love, but in my opinion his hype is all the way deserved. Plus, I'm trying to sway as much good Derick Rose Karma in Seattle's direction as I can, so next Summer when we have the #2 pick again, we end up with the youngest, coolest, and most athletic 1,2,3 combo in the NBA. Imagine, if you will...Kevin Durant, Jeff Green, and Derick Rose. Sounds pretty good, huh?

Deron Washington, Virginia Tech-
This makes up for my Derick Rose pick, because I am pretty sure that if you asked anybody who there favorite 5 players in college are this year, no one outside of Blacksburg would name this guy. Here is a brief breakdown of Mr. Washington. He has dreadlocks. He has the tendency to shake them...often. And I'm pretty sure he has left a smell on Greg Paulus' face that can never be washed off. Watch, http://youtube.com/watch?v=HXNJQFi_R50. Also this dunk on the Zags, http://youtube.com/watch?v=Mq0xLwWjy5M&feature=related. Any one who dunks on Paulus and Gonzaga, I'm gonna like. Also, I am pretty sure he is a member of the J-Sky "All Djumpin Djemba" team.

Michael Beasley, Kansas State-
Another obvious pick, but with his resume of dunks, big shots, and quotes, I had no choice but to pick him. We've all seen the relentless rebounding, the amazing dunks, and the surprising left handed stroke. But that isn't enough for me to put him in my top five. What earned him his spot was the quote that he had before K-State's huge win over Kansas. He said, "I don't care where we play them. We'll beat them here, we'll beat them at their place, we'll beat them in Africa." That is an award winning quote. But the fact that they actually did beat Kansas makes the prediction even better. Especially since they hadn't beaten Kansas at home since 1983. Michael Beasley wasn't even alive in 1983.

DeAndre Thomas, Indiana-
This is another pick that excuses my Derrick Rose and Michael Beasley picks. You could ask DeAndre Thomas' parents who their top 5 are, and I bet he wouldn't be in them. This guy is the second guy off the bench for the Hoosiers, basically DJ White's backup. Their 7th man. But I love him. When he arrived at Indiana three years ago, he weighed 355 pounds. He has lost 60 pounds since then, but he still looks like he could ruin an entire Thanksgiving dinner. His only move is to catch the ball on the block, and back into the defender with his huge derier, and then quickly turn and lay it up. I saw him do this four times in a row against Kentucky. He is fat, slow, and nearly useless on the court. But in a post game interview after that same Kentucky game he was asked about his playing style. "I got a huge back side. I gotta use it. I got it from my momma." Meet DeAndre Thomas, your new favorite player.

Sixth Man:

Gerald Henderson, Duke-
I would usually never put any Duke player anywhere near my top 5, but Gerald isn't like most Duke guys. He seems like a funny guy. He dunks on lots of people. And most importantly, he broke Tyler Hansbrough's nose on purpose. Thus, he's my sixth man.

Tomorrow I'll unveil my "Fave Five" players to hate. A list of the five players that I dislike the most in college basketball this year. There will be Duke and Gonzaga representation, please believe that.

What the Hell Bunktown?

2008-02-06T21:05:00.000-08:00

Well, with my New Year resolution in serious jeopardy after only one month, I have used 2008 to drive home one obvious point...I am extremely lazy. Well, sort of. In my own defense, I have been really busy, and really tired. Getting up at 4:45 every morning, only to go into KJR and get yelled at by Mitch for four hours is not exactly the recipe for blogging success. While I do come home with some pretty hilarious stories every day, I am usually so exhausted physically and mentally that I just watch ESPN Classic and take a nap. When I wake up from my nap at about 6:30 pm, I only have about four hours to eat, hang out, do something semi-active and then eat again, before I have to go to bed so I can be up at 4:45 again. I have essentially been in a sports induced coma for the past month and a half. A veritable "Daily Schnoz" zombie wandering the earth in search of the latest and greatest story lines in sports. And due to the fact that I've only had 3 days off in the past six weeks, my blog has been severely bogged down.

Well I have some good news. Friday is my last day as the "Assistant Producer" of the Mitch in the Morning Show. I put "Assistant Producer" in quotes because that is what they call it. It would more aptly be described as bitch, or to be more sports appropriate, towel or water boy. In fact, I run to the lunch room to get Mitch, Steve the co-host, or Matt the Producer, water at least three times a week. But if they called me the water boy, I wouldn't have nearly as much of a problem with the destitution of my restitution. In other words, they pay me less than that guy who asked you if you would like a lemon in your water last time you went out to Mexican food. At least he gets tips. I am joking of course...except about the money, they do pay me like a janitor. I truly have had a great time working in the morning though. There is a myth that is often perpetuated by the sports fans in Seattle that Mitch is a jerk. He isn't. Honestly. In fact, he is pretty hilarious. He makes fun of every body, he doesn't take crap from anybody, and he hates Phil Mickelson. And aside from the pay, the hours, the stress, the under appreciation, and the exhaustion, I am going to miss the morning show.

But what does this mean?

Honestly, I have no idea.

But worry not my faithful readers and friends, I am still on the march towards sports media superiority, still on the Road to the BigTime. The next step will most likely be the best step, I am just not really sure what it'll be. But, on the plus side, in the mean time we will have lots more blogs. So, let's not waist any more time talking about blogging, let's put the rubber to the road...to the BigTime.

Last Fan Standing

2008-01-29T14:10:00.002-08:00

I'm not sure if any of you were unlucky enough to poison your intellect and fanhood by reading Jayda Evans' article in the Seattle Times today. If not, here is a brief recap, before I retell it in a much more positive, much more accurate light.

Basically, through "email document confirmation," Jayda was informed that a fan was ejected from the Sonics v. Kings game Sunday night. After reading these email documents, Jayda decided to write an article outlining the event. Let me take a quick step back before I dissect her story. I need to first say that I dislike Jayda Evans as a reporter very much. I've heard she is great lady, I've never met her, but that has nothing to do with this. Her writing style is lifeless, and choppy. She routinely uses nonsensical metaphors, and lame action words. She can't punctuate, or end sentences, and I bet if she didn't have spell check she couldn't spell either. I've disliked her writing for a long, long time, so the fact that she wrote this mediocre article about something that could have been such a rallying cry is simply the straw that broke the camels back (that's a figure of speech Jayda).

Alright, now that that's out in the open, let's talk about the story, the ejection, and why she did everyone, including herself a huge disservice.

A fan named Sam Kidder, who happens to be a friend of mine, was ejected from the Sonics v. Kings game on Sunday night. Sam was heckling Clay Bennett, loudly, right underneath Bennett's suite, and was so brilliant in his badgering of Bennett (Jayda that's alliteration) that he was ejected from the arena. Okay, maybe he was peppering Bennett with cries of "you suck" and "thief", but the fact that he knew Bennett was in the arena was a testament to his fanhood. He read about Bennett's plans to attend this particular home game, only his seventh of the season, when reading up on the team on a website, or as Jayda would call it, an online documentation center. When Clay "Ass Pickles" Bennett could no longer the heat, he had Sam removed. Sam left calmly, and promptly went home and posted on SonicsCentral.com that he was "In Clay's Head."

This is a great story. An inspiring story. A potential rallying point. A fan, the little guy, standing up to the big bad rich owner who wants to move the team. In a city where passion for anything sports related is usually reserved for Super Bowls or 116 win seasons, Sam gave the Sonics all he had in the midst of the teams longest ever losing streak. (Facts Jayda, facts) But instead of focusing on this fantastic display of fanhood, Jayda glossed over Sam's upsides, choosing instead to focus on the fact that he'd had a few beers. Why ignore the parts of the story that make Sam's actions so inspiring? Like the fact that he isn't just some drunk college kid, he is a successful young investment banker with a lot to lose by acting out at sporting events. Or the fact that he has only missed 3 games this season. Or that he is a life long fan, and when he was a kid he'd hold his arms out in front of him like a training boxer while he watched the games, so he could focus harder on what he was watching. But when Jayda interviewed Sam about the incident, she didn't ask him about any of this stuff. She missed the opportunity to use Sam's passion as the spark that it could have been towards a fire of Sonics support.

Even more insane and puzzling to me, is the fact that a beat writer for a team that maybe leaving town wouldn't take every chance to rally fan support for the team he/she covers. You cover the team. If they leave, you don't have a team to cover. If they leave you don't have a job. (Logic Jayda) If you were camping in the woods, and your campfire was on the verge of dying out, would you put more logs on the fire, or just sit there and watch it die? Don't go camping with Jayda, you'll freeze.

If all it takes is reading an article, a couple of beers, and a few well timed verbal punches to get inside the head of the guy that holds the fate of our basketball team in his hands, imagine how easy it would be to create 100 Sam Kidders. And how effective they could be. But in order for the beers and the verbal jabs to be effective, they have to armed with information. And if our most direct source for Sonics information seems to care less than any of the fans, we're just as screwed as Jayda Evans' camp fire. So, like I have so many time before, I implore you...GO TO SONICS GAMES. Get online and read about your team, read about your owner, read about your fans. There is still a fire burning, but it is quickly going out. Fan the flames. (That's a double entendre Jayda)

Spizzy

2008-01-02T23:18:00.000-08:00

It's a new year, and along with a clean slate and renewed sense of being, I have a new home. I decided that blogging from my mom's basement was no longer acceptable, I'm going to be 24 this year for god's sake. The number 24 has always been an important number to me, and that age has always made me think of Griffey; his original number and the age at which he became a superstar. Coping with the sad realization that I will not be a superstar at 24 was hard, but getting out of my mom's basement was a big step in the right direction. A step which landed me in a three bedroom apartment on First Hill with my two pals Barry and Tam Johnson. The three of us managed to survive an entire year living together in college, so we decided that now that we are all attempting to tame the "real" world, we should brave the road together again...either that or they got tired of living with their parents too. Although the development of our appartment is still in the embryonic stage, there is a lot of potential. It's like the opening piano riff in "Don't Stop Believing," by Journey, it sounds like it could be good, subtly intruiging, but you're not quite sure yet. Well let me be the first to assure you, just like high pitched croonings of Steve Perry, it's going to be so great it'll annoy you.

The three of us have drawn many comparisons, all of which we agree with fully, and greatly appreciate. The Three Muskateers; flattering, accurate in terms of our bravery and swardsmanship, but we refuse to wear poofy shirts, so it is it tough fit. The Three Amigos; also pretty close. We are all three hilarious, we love sombreros, and we all thrive on horseback, but there isn't a weak link in our chain like Martin Short is to the Three Amigos. Thus the camparison fails. The only one that works is the newest of the popular threesomes, Boston's Big Three of Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnet. Just like them, we are all three in our prime, we're all unselfish and more interested in winning than personal statistics, and we all look great in green.

It's a perfect fit. The house goes by many names: The Spizzy, Bunkingham Palace, The Teej Mahal, The Bird Nest, the Seattle Three Party, and whatever else we can think of. It's gonna be great, which lands me one step closer to my dream of greatness at 24. Maybe I won't hit 45 home runs, maybe I won't be a millionaire, but I'll have a sweet apartment, with a bunch of funny nicknames. And of course, a poster of Mr. 24, Ken Griffey Jr., just to remind us of what we are shooting for.

New Years Resolutions

2007-12-30T22:55:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but I tend to make a few resolutions every new year. Some sort of lame promise that I make to myself that I inevitably break by about January 15th. I'm sure you've all made them: eat healthier, drink less, spend less money on dumb stuff, work harder, join a gym, etc., etc. But we all know that this is worthless, getting drunk and buying over priced Nikes is going to just as much fun in 2008 as it was in 2007. So what I'm going to do is make resolutions that will be monitored by you, the readers of "Road to the BigTime". In fact, the main resolution I am going to make will directly impact all of you. As well as a few other minor resolutions that are less important, but still worth noting. So, without further ado, Road to the BigTime's 2008 Resolutions.

First and foremost, the resolution that will most directly impact the readers of this blog. I resolve to write at least 100 blogs next year. That comes out to about a blog every four days. The main complaint that I get from the people who read my blog is that I don't write enough. That will not be an issue in 2008. And here is why. I am moving into an apartment with my good friend Barry, as well as Tam Johnson, and Barry going to help me turn bunktown.blogspot.com into bunktow.com. The new site will be a much more reader friendly, and entertaining site. I know I've talked about it before, but with the three of us set to move in in two days, Bunktown.com is clearly on the horizon. Blogs, podcasts, better pictures, videos, guest bloggers, and much much more. I resolve to be a better blogger in 2008, and now that I've set the expectations this high, I have to make it happen. I dare you to put your plans to jog four times a week in print. I dare you.

Aside from the blog plans, I also plan to improve my fanhood in 2008. I have been doing this for a while now, but I will continue to only wear clothing from teams that I root for. That means jerseys, T-shirts, sweatshirts, shorts, hats, pants, sweats, socks, underwear, etc. The teams that I root for are as follows: Sonics, Seahawks, Mariners, Huskies, Quakers, Sounders, Thunderbirds, Rainiers, Aqua Sox, Seattle U, and Manchester United. If anybody sees me breaking this rule, and wearing any article of clothing of any team other than one of the ones I listed, feel free to kick me in the nuts.

Also, I am going to try to like more of the players on my favorite teams. Over the 2007 year, I am pretty sure that I claimed to hate every Mariner, Husky, Sonic and Seahawk. I have always made the argument that I only hate because I love, but I am going to try to do more loving and less hating in 2008. We'll see how long this lasts. See me after Shaun Alexander rushes for 17 yards on 13 carries against the Redskins, and we lose by 4.

One more, much more short term, but hopefully not that short, resolution. I won't shave until the Seahawks lose in the playoffs or win the Super Bowl. I hope to have a full beard by the time I get to shave on February 7th.

Other than all of that stuff, I plan to have a year very similar to the one I had to 2007. I'll root whole heartedly for the teams that I love, and I'll most likely have my heart broken by each and every one of them. I'll unconditionally love Kevin Durant and Jake Locker. I'll make fun of Shaun Alexander and Ichiro. I'll buy dumb stuff, I'll drink too much, I'll stay up late. And as long as I make sure to do all of these things, 2008 should be great.

Happy New Year everybody, 2008's gonna be a big year.

My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes

2007-12-30T22:02:00.000-08:00

Here we go. Another edition of "My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes." I am quickly running out of ideas for athletes, so in this edition I have to first send out a thank you to David Chernicoff for sending along a suggestion. I open the invitation to all of you. If anybody thinks that they have a funny look alike, let me know. I'll put it up. Also, one of our look alikes on this edition isn't exactly a famous athlete, but he is on ESPN all the time, so I am going to allow it.

First up, David's suggestion. Our good buddy Matt Dobie aka "Snacks". This is what Mr. Dobie looks like, for those of you who don't already know.

And here is Jamal Lewis. The running back of the Cleveland Browns, who held the record for most rushing yard in one game until Adrian Peterson broke it this year, and who spent half of the 2005 season in prison for orchestrating a drug deal. Needless to say, he is a big favorite here at "Road to the BigTime".

I probably wouldn't fuck with either one of those guys.

Onto the next look alike. Once again we have a pair who somehow look similar while one of them is undoubtedly better looking than the other. I don't mean to disrespect my pal Kelly Lewis with this comparison, but he looks a lot like this guy. I know Kelly would be flattered to be compared to this guy in terms of skills on the soccer field, I wonder how he'll feel being compared to him in looks. Here's Kelly.

And here is Ronadlihno.

Kelly can do flip throw-ins.

And here is our last pair. While I realize that this guy isn't exactly an athlete, I think this is one of the funniest duo's that we've had so far. Here first, is every body's favorite Guido. Wop's up Gabe.

And here is Gabe's twin, PTI's co-host Tony Reali.

Not right now chief, I'm in the fucking zone. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JMOh-cul6M. I wonder if Gabe and Tony like lasagna?

Like I said, if you have any suggestions, let me have them. And as always, if you have any funny people you think I look like, tell me. I want some hate filled feed back.

Four of the Elite 8 are Settled

2007-12-30T21:45:00.000-08:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know I am a lazy bastard. I promised to have the voting done by the 26th, and here it is the 30th and I am just now doing it. Sorry. Let's just do this quickly so we can move onto the next match-ups and keep this thing going.

God Shamgodd and Majestic Mapp move on to face each other in the next round. This weeks match-ups are Houston Nutt vs. Dick Trickle, and Tshimanga Biakabatuka vs. Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala. Vote soon, the sooner I am happy with the number of votes, the sooner we will move onto the next round. (Do you see what I'm doing here, I'm deflecting the blame from myself and placing it on you...very mature move on my part)

Here is the updated bracket.

Round 1 Continued

2007-12-22T17:47:00.000-08:00

I know I told everyone that we would end the voting on Tuesday night at 8, but due to a long list of factors including my newly busy schedule, my life long laziness, and the craziness of the holliday season, we are tabulating the scores today. I am pleased to announce that we have our first two winners, as well as our first "Elite 8" match-up. In a dominant first round performance, Eric Djemba-Djamba advances to the final 8. I won't reveal how many votes he won by, but I will predict that his margin of victory will be larger than any one elses. May it be noted that Jaxin did his home work and provided us all with good reason to support his name. As for the other match-up, Popeye Jones won in a much closer game. I think the fact that Popeye is one of the top 10 ugliest guys in NBA history probably adds to the hilarity of his name. So in the next round, we will have Djemba-Djemba vs. Popeye Jones.

Here is an updated version of the the bracket.

And now, on to the next first round match-up. Out of the "South End Region," we have God Shamgodd vs. James Milner, and Majestic Mapp vs. Magic Johnson.

--Match-up Preview--

In what appears to be a one sided match-up, our version of a 1-16 game, we have God Shamgodd vs. James Milner. The only advantage that Milner may have had was the hilarious post that Mark Wetzler made on his behalf. But Tam's post on God Shamgodd was also hilarious, and very well researched, and it effectively nullified any edge Mark may have had. Thanks to both of them for playing, even bigger thanks to both of them for providing us with the entertainment of reading their reasons.

In the second half of the "South End Region" we have a magical match-up. I know this game makes this a little hard to believe, but I drew all of the match-ups out of a hat. I actually didn't even notice that Majestic Mapp vs. Magic Johnson was funny until Ben told me I was a douche for matching them up. They are both pretty funny though. One for it's sheer absurdity, the other for it's irony, either would be a fine choice. (Irony- his name is Magic Johnson and he got HIV, fuck you Alanis Morisett) Thanks to both David Chernicoff and Jake Morton for their contributions.

So, you have until Wednesday December, 26, the day after Christmas to make your pick. I promise to choose the winners that day, and have the next match-ups and previews up that night.

God Shamgodd vs. James Milner.

Majestic Mapp vs. Magic Johnson.

Deadline, Dec. 26, 2007.

My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes

2007-12-16T20:00:00.000-08:00

I don't want to distract any attention at all from the "Best Names" contest, but I have had the past 6 hours at work to do nothing, so I found some more pictures of athletes that my buddies look like. Please enjoy the newest edition of "My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes," while still taking the time to think about, and vote for your favorite names. Without any further reminders, here are the pictures.

This is our Pro Basketball edition. We have local stars, international imports, and even a mascot for the kids. Enjoy.

We have our second in the long line of people that Sam Gelinas looks like. As I'm sure you remember, Sam and Slava Medvedenko were revealed as long lost twins. Here we have another professional basketball player that is lucky enough to look like Sam. I present Spencer Hawes.

And in case you forgot what Sam looks like, here again is another stunning still of my good pal Sam.

One for the kids. Here is a character we all know and love. The Seattle Supersonics beloved mascot, Squatch.

And my good pal, Mark. Not only do Squatch and Mark share facial hair styles, but they both often growl at people and sleep in the woods. The similarities are eerie.

If I keep this up, I am not going to have any friends. But, as I always say, feel free to fire back with people...or mascots...that I look like. Here's a hint, cartoon characters.

Further Explanations

2007-12-16T14:11:00.000-08:00

Since I posted the contest rules and regulations and the name reasoning, I have been swamped with requests, and even a late explanation. It seems that most of you think that I should list the names of every contestant, even if you didn't write an explanation. And although I want to reward those who did what I asked, I also aim to please every single person who takes the time to read the blog. So, before you cast your vote take what I am adding here into account.

Late Explanation:

James Milner, by Mark Wetzler-
Dear Road to the Bigtime,
My name is Mark Wetzler. I am 17 years old and I have been a big fan of "Road to the Bigtime" since I moved here when I was 8. I really like your contest, it is really clever and I think people that have funny names are funny. I know it is pretty late, but I was wondering if I could submit an explanation for my choice, James Milner. I know most of you probably don't think it is a funny name, but I think James Milner is one of the funniest people in sports. Here is a picture demonstrating why I think he is funny:

just go to that link. i hope you think his snarl is funny. i did. i love you all,
Your 3rd biggest fan,
Mark Wetzler

p.s. enclosed is a self-addressed stamped envelope with one of your tops finest cards from 2004. if you have time, please sign it and mail it back. thanks!

There you go Mark, I hope that wins you some points. And, here are the names of the contestants along side their favorite name.

1. An’Juan Wilderness- Andy Bunker
2. Eric Djemba-Djemba- Jaxin Skyward
3. Eugene Kingsale- Ben Steitzer
4. Dick Butkus- Sam Gelinas
5. Boo Weekly- Barry
6. James Milner- Mark Wetzler
7. God Shamgodd- Tam Johnson
8. Popeye Jones- Troy Tsuchikawa
9. Quinten McCracken- Matt Emmick
10. Magic Johnson- Jake Morton
11. Houston Nutt- Jonah Golan
12. Milton Bradley- Ryan Skaggs
13. Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala- Neal Benyak
14. Majestic Mapp- David Chernicoff
15. Dick Trickle- Stan Chernicoff
16. Tshimanga Biakabutuka- Mike Thompson

Best Names in Sports

2007-12-11T00:44:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the participation of Stan "the Man" Chernicoff, we have our Sweet-16. Sixteen submissions of what we all believe to be the "Best Names in Sports". I have to commend you all for the participation. Here is how it's gonna work. I put all 16 of your names into a hat, and the order in which I drew them out will be our rankings. I was going to rank them in order of funniest to least funny, but I thought that would potentially sway the voting, so I did it this way to be more fair. So without further ado, here is the bracket.

It has shaped up to be quite a fun bracket. I have been paining over just exactly how this contest is going to work, and I think I have come to a decision. In the spirit of my recent involvment with the "Mitch in the Morning Show," I think using the judging format that is used by "The Bigger Dance" is the only right way to decide. If you don't know what that means, here are the rules and the format.

You, the reader, will decide who the winners are. We will go one region at a time, and you will have two days to vote. Either send me an e-mail, or write on my facebook wall, or text me, or just tell me when you see me. We will start with the "Bunktown Region" which consists of Eric Djemba-Djemba vs. Milton Bradley, and Eugene Kingsale vs. Popeye Jones. The next region is the "South End Region" which consists of God Shamgodd vs. James Milner, and Majestic Mapp vs. Magic Johnson. The third region is the "Quaker Region", consisting of my favorite first round match-up Tshimanga Biakabatuka vs. Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala, and Houston Nutt vs. Dick Trickle. The final region is the "Husky Region", which includes Boo Weekly vs. An'Juan Wilderness, and Quinten McCracken vs. Dick Butkus.

Before we get started, I asked everyone who participated to not only tell me what their favorite name was, but to also include an explaination. Now, not everyone offered their reasoning, but a few people did, and I hope the voters will take this into consideration. The following is the explainations provided by you, if you actually took the time to write something. Here are the names, and their testimonies.

***Disclaimer- I didn't have anything to do with Jaxin's explaination.***

Eric Djemba-Djemba, by Jaxin Skyward- Eric Djemba-Djemba. A midfielder who played for manchester united in 2003. he now plays for Qatar FC. He is originally from Cameroon and plays for their national soccer team. His last name is the same word twice, separted by a hyphen and often laughter. Djembas is also a recently adopted, highly acceptable synonym for blacks. "did you see that djemba?", "look at that stinky djemba.", "i'd suck on that djemba's pussy.", etc. In cameroon, Djemba translates into the word drum. I've heard of people playing the drums but never a drum drum. Eric, as a first name for a guy who has a very tribal last name leads me to believe he was a slave. Eric is clearly Mr. drums slave name. Poor Djemba.

Houston Nutt/Southern Names in General, by Jonah Golan- As for the name contest, I'm gonna go with a Southern theme:
Houston Nutt, Captain Maroney, Major Applewhite, and Champ/ Boss Baily are a tie.....anyone who would give their offspring any of the preceeding first names are most likely from Texas and if not from somewhere else in the South....May god have mercy on their souls.

Quinten McCracken, by Matt Emmick-

The Mariner’s jerseys I most wish I had, other than Bobby Ayala of course, would number one be Junior followed by Quinton McCracken. He gets my recommendation as the best name in pro athletics. I will say, though, that I agonized over the decision to place him atop my list over other such notable names as Jaxin Skyward and Deng Cow but with a last name similar to a slang term for something that is really great, “crackin,” I had to go with him.

Quinton Antoine McCracken was born in Wilmington, N.C. in 1970 and graduated from Duke University in 1992. He is a switch hitter who throws right. He was drafted by the Rockies in 1995 and has since played on numerous teams including the D Rays, Twins, Diamondbacks, M’s, and the Reds.

The M’s acquired him in 2004 for Greg Colbrunn from the D-Backs. While he was in Seattle he hit a solid .150 in twenty ABs. Over his career he has hit .274 with a .374 slugging percentage and has twenty-one HRs. His nicknames include “Q,” “Cou Cou,” and “Crack.” Which I must say it is pretty hard to have one of your nicknames be a drug reference, right Trees?

The McCracken surname is Northern Irish and Scottish in origin and is an Anglicized form from Gaelic. My question is how a black guy ended up with an Irish name? I was under the impression that Micks were too drunk and unintelligent to have owned slaves, seeing as how they were a loathed social pariah.

So why pick Quinton? The logic is fairly simple. In filling out a March Madness bracket it is always wise to pick a twelve seed over a five seed so I am going to pick a bit of an underdog. I am putting my money on the name of an African American athlete rather than on some ugly foreigner whose name has some sexual connotation attached to it, Wally Szcerbiac comes to mind. My other rational lies in the fact that his last name sounds like it could be the best McDonalds sandwich ever. I can only imagine it to be comparable to a McChicken with fries and BBQ sauce on it or Cherny’s patented Double Cheese with shredded lettuce. I would expect this type of heat to be on their breakfast menu (see Matthew Dobie).

I just wish that his name had a randomly placed apostrophe, say Quin’ton, but if you can’t be perfect then why not have the hardest jersey in the MLB.

God Shamgodd, by Tam Johnson-

1. well, obviously being named "God" is totally ridiculous, i mean a
LOT of people are named jesus because that is an actual name, but god
really isn't, as far as i know. also, it's an obvious upgrade from
jesus, being his father and all... this brings up the jesus
shuttlesworth tie-in, which is also a great name, but totally
fictional. the fact that he is named 'god' not 'jesus', AND that it is
actually his true, non-fictional birth name is amazing.

2. as you pointed out in your post, having a unique last name is
pretty important, because really anyone can just get high or whatever
and name their kid anything they want, but it takes the convergence of
multi-generational destiny to get such an excellent first / last
combo. the repitition 'god shammgod' has an almost lyrical quality.
say it slowly, "the name is God, Shammgod." now say it in the voice of
sean connery as james bond. i think you see what i mean. there are
lots of weird names out there, but not many that so well integrate the
first and last. also, it is impossible to hear the "shamm" prefix
without being drawn into seriously profound spiritual introspection:
"is god a sham? am i worshipping a false idol?? should i just give up
hope and instead spend my time internet-researching obscure former
professional basketball players???"

3. he played high school ball with ron artest.

4. according to wikipedia, he is named after his father, which means
that he may more accurately god shammgod II, or Jr. People who name
their children after them are awesome (see: all of george foreman's
children), and people with unusual names who do this are even more
awesome. (look out for "Tamaso the second"!)

Those are all the explaiations I recievered. All of them were a pleasure to read and undeniably hilarious. And we got through them with only two slavery references, which in reality is pretty good. Huge thanks to all of you. I hope the voters read and heed the words you have written.

The first match-ups, out of the "Bunktown Region" are Eric Djemba-Djemba vs. Milton Bradley, and Popeye Jones vs. Eugene Kingsale. You have until Tuesday at 8:00 pm to vote. Vote, vote, vote. Oh yeah, only one vote per reader. But feel free to use bribes or physical violence to influence other readers votes. Here we go...Let's get ready to rumble.

Funny Picture of the Week

2007-12-08T07:42:00.001-08:00

There are only three things I hate about this years Sonics team. First, the sad fact that no one cares and that they may leave. Two, Earl "the Hurl" Watson. And third, "Worthless" Wally Szczerbiak.

In our "Funny Picture of the Week," Gary Payton does what he has been doing for the past 20 years, and represents the feelings of Sonics fans every where. I have always wished that Gary had worn a microphone during his playing days, and this picture is the perfect example of why. Can you imagine the trash that he is talking to Worthless Wally. Even funnier, would be to hear the pathetic comeback that Wally would attempt to give. "Leave me alone Gary. I wear hair gel during NBA basketball games. I'm a virgin." I think it would sound something like that. My favorite part of this picture, though, is that crazy ass Latrell Sprewell is the one trying to separate the two. Latrell's crazy engine is powered by irony.

I went to the Sonics game last Friday versus the Bucks. This was the second game I've been to this season, and I have to say, this team is fun to watch. Sure, they can't defend anybody. Okay, they don't have a real point guard. Fine, they may leave town, and break all of our hearts. But once you get past that, they are a really exciting team. Another reason last Friday's game was so fun was because I got to take Ben Steitzer to his first NBA game. They always tell you that if you are not enjoying sports the way you used to, to take a kid to a game and watch how much fun they have. Well, that is sort of like what I did. Except my love for sports has never been stronger, and Ben isn't a little kid. The results, however, were phenomenal.

NBA games are by far the most fan friendly of all pro sporting events. They eliminate most of the problems that people have with other sporting events, and add much more to the table. The games are inside, so you can't complain about the weather. The action almost never stops, so you are always engaged. And when it does stop, they have break dancing, and dunking ushers, and free give aways, and music, and all sorts of other ADD friendly activities. Try to take a non-sports fan to a baseball game and see what happens...they'll hate it. Take Ben to a basketball game and now he loves Kevin Durant and wants to go again. Thanks to me, and KD, the Sonics have a new fan, and one more reason not to leave town. If Ben Steitzer likes it, it is good. (see: fruit snacks, pizza, Carlo Rossi, Cohen Brothers movies, and now Sonics Basketball)

Speaking of Kevin Durant, every time I go to a game this year, he scores 35 and we win. Honestly, I have been to two games this year, and he has dropped 35 both times, and we have recorded 2 of our 3 home victories. More importantly, he is 19! Please, allow me to repeat that. HE IS 19!!! I realize that we are all jaded to the thought of a teenager killing the league, due to the man-child LeBron James. But there are things about Kevin Durant that make what he is doing very different from what LBJ did at 19. First of all, Durant isn't a man-child. In fact, he isn't strong at all. Remember when he couldn't lift 180 pounds at the pre-draft camp? And how certain moronic sports writers, Skip Bayless, thought that would effect his pro game and drop his draft stock. Well he's still killing almost everybody. And unlike LeBron at 19, who was so strong that he couldn't really get any stronger, Kevin Durant is only going to grow into his lanky body. The only guys that give him any trouble right now are guys like Stephen Jackson, who can kill Durant's length by bodying him and pushing him around. Imagine him three years from now, when he has put on 25 pounds of muscle. He's going to be the longest, strongest, fastest, craftiest scorer in the league. Plus he has the drive and will to win of Kevin Garnett. I am visibly giddy right now. I am grinning.

Let's get back to the "Funny Picture". Wally, Wally, Wally. Oh how I hate you. Granted, I was gonna hate Wally World whether he came here and played well or not, but I didn't expect this sort of performance from the ex-All-Star. As we all recall, he scored a career high 43 points against the Huskies in the NCAA tourney back in 1999, and effectively killed our season. I have not forgetten about this, so unless he came here and averaged 20 points a game and hit a bunch of game winners, I was going to hate him. He is averaging 11 points per game, and he hasn't hit a single game winner. Thus...hatred. Here are the Top 10 problems I have with Dubya, besides the historical hatred.

10. He wears hair gel during games.
9. The first four letters of his last name are, S-Z-C-Z. Can I buy a vowel?
8. He looks like Steve Stiffler.
7. He once complained about getting more shots while on the same team as Kevin Garnett.
6. His first name is Wally.
5. His vertical leap is 7 inches.
4. He has gained 35 pounds in the past year.
3. He wears number 3 for the Sonics, and he is not named Dale Ellis.
2. He got in Gary Payton's face. (see above photo)
1. He actually pumped his fist after a made free throw during the third quarter of last Friday's game, while in the midst of an 0-7 shooting streak. He missed the first free throw, then rattled home the second, and celebrated with an emotional fist pump as he trudged back down court.

Other than him and Earl "the Hurl", I love this team. I beg you to go and support these guys. It is worth your time. In fact, if anybody wants to go see a game over the holiday, holler at your boy. I always have tickets, and it is important to me that I personally convince any nay sayers. For the first time in my life, I ask you to follow in the sports fan footsteps of Ben Steitzer. One down, a whole city to go.

They're Wining and Dining Me

2007-12-08T02:23:00.000-08:00

As I'm sure most of my more faithful readers remember, when this blog started it was merely a facebook wall posting that I'd use to tell tales of what was going on with my job at KJR. Back when I was interning for David Locke, pushing paper for no pay and trying my ass off too avoid Too-Short in the hall way. One of my major regrets is that I wasn't smart enough to keep a blog back then, so I could not only look back and laugh about some of the funny stuff I used to have to do, but also so I could track my writing progress and see what I do that people like, and what I do that people hate. On the plus side, I can look back and pretend that I was a lot better than I was, with no proof otherwise. Anyway, I do like to get back to my roots from time to time and talk about what is going with my job, and let every body about the progress that is being made towards my total domination of the Seattle sports scene. Yes, I'm still at KJR, and no, I haven't been berated by any famous rappers lately. Here is an update on what is going in my KJR life.

Tonight I attended the UW Football "Season Ending Dinner" at the Sheridan Hotel in downtown Seattle. For the first time in my KJR career, which is 3.4 years old, I was invited to attend a dinner. I am quickly realizing that "dinners" are to the adult world what keggers where in high school. The coolest people will be there, it is hard to get invited to your first one, and after 30 minutes every one is drunk. I've been to hundreds of keggers, this was my very first dinner.

Just like your first kegger, there are things that you want to make sure you don't do -- "party fouls". You quickly learned that trying to poor from an unpumped keg made you look like an idiot, just as I learned that your napkin is the one on the left of your plate, not the right. I was quickly informed, by Leon my coworker who was seated next to me, that I had taken his napkin. And let me be the first to tell you, trying to refold a napkin into the shape of a swan is much harder than pretending to enjoy a keg cup full of foam.

There will be three forks. What you do with each of them is very important.

After the napkin disaster, I wanted to wait at least 5 minutes until I made a complete ass of myself again, so I waited to see what Leon did with his forks before I even thought about touching mine. So there I sat. Looking hungrily at my salad. On the brink of starvation because that bastard Leon had to go the bathroom. If I would've been smart I would have just looked across the table to see what everyone else was doing with their silver wear, but I was transfixed on following the code of etiquette set forth by Leon. He had guided me through my first mistake, and I was going to be damned if he didn't get me through my next.

He finally came back after what must have been one of the biggest shits ever taken at the Downtown Sheridan, and with that thought lingering in my head, I was finally able to eat. He sat down and effortlessly grabbed the fork that was on the far left of his plate, and without batting and eye, he dug right into his cesar salad. Like I said, he is a bastard.

After we finished our salads, and the main course had been delivered, the kegger similarities which had been to this point mostly metaphorical, began to become identical. Everyone's "too cool for school" attitude was thoroughly drenched in red wine, and any and all etiquette was thrown to the wind. Napkins were being used as bibs. Forks were every where. And the only party foul that was even possibly committable was not drinking. And being one to never want to commit a said "foul", I obliged. Drunkenness ensued. And as I was standing there shouting, the entire table of hammered KJR employees listening eagerly to my drunken story, I realized that life is just one big kegger. Everyone's nervous at first, but then you figure out how to pump the keg, and after that it just flows.

The night was a huge success. We had a great time. We got far too intoxicated. And I proved myself worthy of my next dinner invitation. There is nothing like the feeling you get when you realize that you have just taken a step into a world that for so long you could see, but couldn't touch. And with both keggers and dinners alike, that feeling can accurately be described as hungover.

Other random KJR Updates.

-I am now the full time producer of the "Northwest Wild Counrty Show." Saturday mornings, 6-8 am. It's a hunting and fishing show. I don't know anything about either of the two, so needless to say it isn't my favorite thing in the world. On the plus side I am a full time producer of a KJR show. Silver lining baby.

-I sometimes produce John Clayton's Show on Saturdays, as well as Dick Fain's show. These are far more fun for me, as they talk about sports that I care about.

-Starting in January I will be co-hosting a Sunday morning sports show, from 6-9 am, on KGRG. That is Green River Community Colleges radio station. My buddy Jarrett is the sports director there, and he and I will be hosting the show.

-We will also be calling all of the Green River home basketball games on KGRG. I'll be doing color commentary, and he said I can "clown". This may end badly.

-Last, and most importantly, the "Road to the BigTime" maybe taking it's next step forward very soon. My good pal Barry informed me the other day that "my blog needs a make over." With his help we maybe moving to a real url. No more blogspot. This means more options and ability to have more content. I hope to podcast all of the KGRG shows, so those of you who can't tune in (all of you) will still have the chance to listen if you want. We will have a better format so the picture stuff will look better. Plus a whole heap of new additions and segments. Stay tuned, we hope to start the renovation ASAP.

My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes

2007-12-06T23:19:00.000-08:00

This segment has been a HUGE success. People of all shapes and sizes love it. From North Seattle to Skyway, "Road to the BigTime's" newest special is sweeping the city like last weeks rain storm. Excitement in literally flooding out of every neighborhood of Seattle. Houses were destroyed. Parts of I-5 are still closed. My friends looking like athletes is the biggest thing that has ever happened. Ever.

Enough hype. Now I have to maintain the momentum and live up to the ridiculously high expectations. That's cool, we like pressure. We thrive on pressure. Here is the newest edition of, "My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes."

After endless requests from female fans, Caitlin and Avery, we have our first female look alike. I gotta say though, picking a girl look alike is hard for a few reasons. Number one, I don't watch very many female sports, so there could be a million women that look like my friends -- Sue Bird could be Annasara's twin sister for fuck's sake -- and I wouldn't know. Second, I don't want to offend any of my female readers by saying that they look like an ugly girl. I could care less about telling Sam that he looks like Slava "Super-Euro" Medvedenko, he's a big boy and good sport, but if I told some girl she looked like Calvin Booth, I'd lose a reader and probably get my ass kicked. Third, it's easy for guys to look alike. Same hair cut, same nose, you look the same. Girls have so much going on, it's hard to find similarities.

So what did I do? I looked to my favorite female team of all time. The 1999 Women's World Cup team. How did it take me this long? Like I've said before, that is one of my all time favorite teams. This was a natural. With our further ado, our first female looks alike.

My friend Sara Foster.

And 1999 World Cup Champion, Julie Foudy.

They look alike, they are both attractive, and you know who both of them are. A triple threat. The perfect look alike. I am the man.

Next, a not so attractive look alike duo. Let me take that back, the athlete is ugly, my buddy is deceptively handsome. Iain rode his bike from here to NYC, he is the man. This is what he looks like.

Chris Kamen on the other hand, not the man, not good looking, and not deceptively anything. He looks like the Fremont Troll. My appologies to Iain, but as you can see, I have a point.

Lastly, I have to extend my thanks to Sam Morton for this one. I appreciate the active participation in the blog. Any body can make suggestions. Don't let Sam be the only person to notice that one of our friends looks like an athlete, offer your assistance. Here is our buddy Sean Lawson.

And here is the softest QB in the NFL, Eli Manning. Please note, Sean is the opposite of soft. One time I ran into him, his shirt covered in blood, and I asked, "what the fuck happened to you, are you okay." To which he responded, "this isn't my blood, I just kicked this Garfield kid's ass!" Sean punctuates as he speaks. Here is Eli.

So, in closing. Sara and Julie Foudy are both cool and pretty, Iain is way better looking than his look alike, and Sean Lawson would beat up Eli Manning. And they all look alike.

No Place Like Home

2007-12-05T15:28:00.000-08:00

Last night was the night. The one night when it's acceptable to take the trip back to high school and feel totally comfortable acting like you never left. At least that's what we tell ourselves. But that's because Franklin/Garfield is more than just a high school basketball game. Honestly, you could go the gym and not watch single second of the game and still have one of the best times you'll ever have. With the Southenders and Central Districteers who treat the game like a hood fashion show, you're going to see a lot of things you don't usually see. There were more Air Force 1's per capita last night than I've ever seen before. I even broke mine out, I didn't want to look like a fool. Most peoples hair looked nice enough to go to prom, and almost everyone's outfit matched from head to toe. The pre-game music was as great as ever. A steady mix of popular rap and classic hip-hop, even songs like "I'm So Hood," that you've heard a hundred times, hold a lot more meaning when everyone in the whole gym is bobbing to the beat. The Franklin dance team was as hilarious as ever. Pop-locking and snapping to a nice mix of popular music, served as the perfect platform for them to insult Garfield. For some reason making fun of another school is always way funnier though dance. After the game was over the post game festivities were as entertaining as ever. The police standing there as awkwardly as fat seventh graders at a middle school dance, scowling at the few random youngsters who felt the need to proclaim their toughness by ripping off their shirts and yelling loudly what part of town they came from, all while cleverly avoiding any real fighting. Ah yes, the Franklin/Garfield game is always exactly what I need to rejuvinate any loss of Southend pride that I may have lost over the past year.

Somehow, in the middle of all this, they managed to fit a basketball game in. Now, the the rivalry isn't as competitive as it once was, as the Quakers have managed to run off 13 straight wins over the beleaguered Bulldogs. But please believe that both teams still hate each other, and want to win as badly as ever. There are, and always have been, great players involved in this clash of the Seattle basketball titans. And this year is no excpetion. In fact, this year we may have seen two of the best players that either school has ever seen. On the Garfield side, Anthony Wroten, a 6'5'' freshmen point guard, who is the number one recruit in the nation for his class. He was phenomenal. An overly cocky left handed player, who has so much athleticism that it is insane to believe that he was playing in middle school just 6 months ago. He scored 29 points, he probably had around 8 assists, and he let all the Quaker fans know that it's not going to be so easy to beat the Bulldogs for the next four years. And on the Franklin side, Peyton Siva, a 6'1'' junior guard, who for my money, is the best player that has played at Franklin under Jason Kerr. (other than J-Sky of course) I'm talking about Alvin Snow, Anthony Grant, Aaron Brooks, Lyndel Burleson and Venoy Overton. Peyton is better than all of those guys. He is as fast as any of them, with more stroke, better passing, and as much athleticism as you can imagine. He caught a lob last night from Sterling Carter, that I thought was going to end up going over the back board. He went up so high, with two hands, I think he might be an alien. Or simply a super Samoan. He ended up with 22 points, 11 assists, 7 steals, and 7 rebounds, and he was passing first. He probably could've had 15 assists if guys weren't missing layups, and if he'd have been shooting he'd have scored 35.

Lorenzo Romar was just one of the hundreds of people who had the privelage of watching the latest installment of the Franklin/Garfield saga. He had a great vantage point, standing on the far baseline, trying valiantly to hide any and all emotion as he watched the two teams run. But even he, the most poker faced of scouts, couldn't help but yell and drop his jaw when Peyton went and got that lob. I looked over and saw him, standing right next to Justin Dentmon (who probably came along in hopes that the Quaker greatness would rub off on him, either that or he wanted to see where all of his replacements are coming from) when Pepe went skyward, and he went as crazy as the rest of us. Let's hope Peyton follows in the footsteps of his fellow Quaker Venoy Overton, and graces the Huskies with his greatness.

The Quakers came out on top, 85-70, in what was by far the most competitive game between the two schools in the past three years. A far cry from last years 22-0 first quarter run, this year we saw that the rivalry may soon be getting back to where it belongs. As much as I love beating those bastard Bulldogs, it's a lot more fun when they have talent. Anthony Wroten is hopefully the beginning of something good at Garfield. And maybe, in couple of years they'll end our double digit winning streak. But until then FQ up, GB down. Southend! Go Quakers.

Best Names in Sports

2007-12-05T00:29:00.000-08:00

I appreciate all the participation so far. I'm very happy to see that you all are interested in making "Road to the BigTime" an interactive blog. But...I asked that you send me your names via email, or at least via facebook message. Unfortunately most of you posted your whole shit on my wall. It looks like reading comprehension is a problem among my readers, this maybe a problem. So, if you haven't already disregarded my attempts to keep your names and explanations private, please send me your players over email or facebook message. If you already blew it, that's fine, but you should probably work on your reading, you may face other problems in the future if you don't step your game up.

Special thanks to Tam Johnson and Matt Emmick you actually listened and emailed me their selections. This won't give them any advantage in the contest, but when they die, on their death beds, they will receive total consciousness. So they got that going for them.

Franklin v. Garfield Pre-Game and other random stuff

2007-12-04T17:29:00.000-08:00

Tonight is my sports Christmas. For me, the Franklin v. Garfield basketball game at Franklin, is the most fun sporting event of the year. It's basically what I live for. Everything that I love about sports, boiled down into one two and half hour experience. I call it an experience because that is what it is. With the music, the hype, the tradition, the rivalry, the love, the hate, and everything else, it adds up to be the most electric atmosphere for sports that I have ever been a part of. I don't want to blow my whole load before the game even happens, but I just wanted to preview the game, and let everyone know that there will be a full recount of the game coming later tonight. I plan to blog my brains out for this one.

On a few other random notes, I want to talk a little about the Seahawks, the Monday Night game, and the new best open gym in Seattle.

- First off, the Hawks. Four in a row baby. This pass first, second and third offense is pretty effective, and now that it has succeeded against a mildly formidable opponent we can be pretty confident in it. The Eagles are pretty good, in fact they only lost to the Patriots by three. They lost to us by four. By that math, we are better than the Pats. So chew on that. It's delicious isn't it? Well, maybe we aren't exactly the Patriots, but we are looking pretty good, and that's pretty exciting especially if you think back to how we looked against the Steelers.

- Second, the Monday Night game. What an interesting plot twist the Pats season has taken. From demolishing everything and everyone in their path, to needing more luck than a leprechaun to beat the woeful Ravens. And then after the game, the Ravens players telling tales of cheating, and even potentially racist refs. It's one thing for the refs to be biased towards the team that is garnishing all the attention in the league. I don't want to say that I support the Patriots getting some calls in their direction, but I can certainly understand why they'd get the benefit of the doubt. They've been the best team all year, things are bound to bounce in their direction. But to hear about referees calling players on the Ravens, "boy". Antrell Rolle said that he was referred to as "boy" on at least 5 occasions by the refs. That is insane. I hope that more on this comes out in the next few days, and if those refs were acting like that, I hope they the boot. You can't cheat for an already superior team, and degrade the opposing players all at the same time.

- And last, the newest and greatest open gym in Seattle...will be run by me. I convinced the AD at Franklin to allow me to have "golf conditioning" four nights a week in the North gym at Franklin. What does this mean? It means that all of my volunteer "golf coaches" (you all) get to come play basketball with me, and possibly some of my team members, Monday thru Thursday 8:30-10 pm. So, get at me if you wanna come play. I have to warn you though, if you come you face the very likely chance that I will cross you over and call you a name. I pull up from 30 feet like it's nothing, and I slapped on my brother twice last week. You've been warned.

FULL FQ v. G-Field coverage coming soon. Stay tuned.

I Don't Wanna Hear It

2007-11-30T01:57:00.000-08:00

I haven't had a rant in a while, and it is time. Oh boy, is it time!!

There is a lot of pretty annoying shit going on right now in the Seattle sports scene. Stuff that certainly warrants much of the complaining and belly aching that I've been hearing. Yes, we are tortured. Yes, we are pathetic. Yes, we are unlucky. But that doesn't mean that you have to give up so god damn easily. And it certainly doesn't give you the right to do any of the following: A, stop caring about your "favorite" team, B, whine like a little punk, C, root for another team.

Here is my response to many of the complaints and sentiments that I have been hearing over the past few weeks. Start acting like sports fans.

Here is one that I've been hearing a lot lately.

"Why should I root for the Sonics? They're just gonna move to Oklahoma City in year anyway."

First of all. Fuck you. Maybe they won't leave. And if they don't, all those self loathing, woe is me, sorry sap Sonics "fans" that jumped ship this year don't get to get back on the wagon when they stay in town and Kevin Durant is shaking his shit at the whole NBA for the next 15 years. Sorry ass hole. You have to root for the Blazers, because that's what you said you were gonna to do in 2007, and we don't want any fair weather, band wagon fans fucking up KD's flow.

Second of all. Fuck you again. What would Shawn Kemp and Gary Payton think if they knew that just 10 years after they were running this city, that some red neck cow boy from Oklahoma could ruin our entire fanhood just by buying the team? I'll tell you what they'd think. Gary would look at you with his head tilted, and then out of the side of his sneered mouth, he'd call you a "Punk Bitch." And then Shawn would ask you where your mom was, and if she was fertile. This team has history!!! It's the only team in our city with a championship. There is greatness in our rafters. Don't forget this.

Third of all. If they do leave, won't you feel like you let them down if you don't do everything in your power as a fan to keep them? Go to the games. Yeah, they suck. But they are fun to watch. They run. They shoot. They play zero defense, so at the very least you're gonna see the other team at it's best. There are good reasons to go and watch this team. KD is gonna be the Rookie of the Year. Delonte West is one of the biggest clowns in the league. And who knows, maybe somebody will choke PJ Carlisemo.

So, as a Sonics fan you have three choices. Go root for your team out of fanhood. Go root for your team out of debt. Or...shut the fuck up.

Another things I'm hearing a lot of is this.

"Let's keep Ty around, he brings in quality guys. Guys that do the right thing, and try, and go to class and act right."

So the fuck what? He could bring in Mother Theresa, and if we lose 8 games a year, he needs to get FIRED!! There is no question what college football, or any high level sport for that matter, is about. WINNING!

A couple of things to consider when analyzing Ty's methods.

Sure he brings in quality guys. His graduation rate is great. The players are approachable and down to earth. They are involved in the University, and they rarely get in trouble. So make him the AD. We all agree that Todd Turner is a douche anyway. If we feel like we need to keep Ty around so much, since he is so great for the program, then make him the Athletic Director.

But, who says you need "quality" guys. Some of my favorite all time Huskies would more than likely not be in this category of students. Look at what June Jones is doing in Hawaii. He is basically coaching that team by the Statue of Liberty motto. I don't mean the trick play the Boise State used to win the Aloha Bowl last January. I mean the motto "Give us your poor, your tired, your huddled masses..." June will take anybody...as long as you can play. He doesn't care if you spent 15 months in Juvie, Davone Bess. He doesn't care if you just wanna chill in the South End and smoke, Jordan Slye. He doesn't care if you get hammered and shake your dick at people, Colt Brennen. If you can play, you have a spot at Hawaii. And guess what? They are undefeated. And this Saturday - when these two schools, of students and of thought, collide - we'll see who wins.

And lastly. The Shaun Alexander debate.

"He's better than Mo Morris. If you take away the two or three big runs that Mo gets every week, he averages less than 3 yards per carry. Shaun can do that."

Wow. I know I said I was done talking about Shaun about four weeks ago, but people insist on bringing it back up. Listen when I tell you...Shaun Alexander is DONE!!! He got his money. He ran behind the best line in the past 20 years, and he GOT HIS MONEY. Now all he wants to do is pray, pretend to kiss his wife, and giggle. Nowhere in his life is there room for playing good football anymore.

Three reasons I don't wanna hear it.

1. Since Shaun went down, and we've gone with Mo and the pass first offense, we're 3-0. Undefeated with Mo. Undefeated without Shaun. Very simple.

2. "Without those two or three big runs..." Why would you discount those two or three big runs? They happen. They exist. Every week Mo busts a couple of huge plays. That's what he does. If you take away those two or three touchdowns Tom Brady throws every Sunday he probably won't break Peyton Mannings record either. But you don't, because they happen.

3. We are playing a pass first offense, and winning. Not only is Shaun Alexander one of the worst pass catching backs in the NFL, he has a broken hand. If he plays, the offense changes, and we slow down an offense that is playing better over the past three weeks than it has in over a year.

So, I hope we are clear. Stop the bitching. Or at least bitch about the right stuff. Go see Kevin Durant, if only out of respect for GP and the Reign Man. And when you do, boo Wally Szcerbiak. Not only do we still need to hate him for the 41 he put on the Dawgs in the tourney 8 years ago, but he's fat now. Boo him. Stop defending Ty, he is a loser. We don't want to be losers do we? Mora, Mora, Mora!! Start the chants, he's coming. And don't ask for Shaun. That's like crawling back to your gold digging ex-girlfriend. Mo Morris is your new girlfriend, treat him/her right.

Best Names in Sports

2007-11-29T21:56:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite topics to discuss and debate with friends, family, coworkers, or literally anyone who wants to add their two cents. The best part about this debate is that it is a sports argument, but you don't actually have to know anything about sports. All you need is a sense of humor, and the ability to notice a funny name when you hear one. It is the "Best Name in Sports" debate, and we've all had it.

There are no real ground rules for a selection, although maybe there should be. You can have any reason for liking a name, you just have to be able to justify it. Whether you like the name because it sounds like a bodily function, or malfunction, like the famous NASCAR driver Dick Trickle. Or you like the name because it is ironic, like Darko Milicic, the only white guy drafted in the top ten in the 2003 NBA draft. Or if you just think the name is goofy and it reminds you of your favorite cereal, like Coco Crisp of the Red Sox. Almost any name can be included, as long as you think it's funny.

And that is what I'm looking for; the names that YOU, my friends and loyal readers, think are funny. I could sit here and write down a list of names that I find amusing, tell you why, and try convince you that I am the end all guru of funny sports names. But the truth is, I am not. There are probably names that I have never heard of, that you know, that you would add to my list. So this is what we are going to do. We are going to have our very own "Best Names is Sports" bracket, to find out once and for all, what is the funniest name in all of sports. Here is how we will do this.

RULES

1. Everyone will pick one name by December 10th. Only one name per participant, so make sure that you pick the name that you think is the funniest. First come first serve, so if you think you might pick a name that will be popular, tell me soon, so you can be sure you get your athlete.

2. You have to have an explanation for why you think the name is funny. It can be as simple as "his name rhymes with penis, that is hilarious." Or you can get deep, and explain why your selection is funniest for some reason we might not ever have thought of. IT'S UP TO YOU.

3. Everyone who reads this has to participate. I don't care if you simply add the name Rob Simms. And justify it by saying that it's funny because it's simple. I don't care, I just want to have a field of at least 16. Tell your friends, get the names in. Email me the selection, so no one else can see it. abunker206@gmail.com.

4. **Here is the reason you will play. The winner will receive tickets to the Final Four in San Antonio, Texas. An all expenses paid trip for 10, to the Final Four. Five Star hotels, limousines, court side seats, everything you can possibly think of, it'll be yours, all you have to do is win. Simple as that.**

This will actually be pretty fun if enough people play. In closing, you should feel bad if you read this and don't respond with something. All I want is full participation. Plus, this is your chance to prove that you are the most hilarious reader of "Road to the BigTime." That would mean a lot to me.

To get the ball rolling, here is my pick and my explanation. An'Juan Wilderness. The 6 foot 6, 215 pound forward, for the UNC Charlotte 49ers. I chose An'Juan for a few reasons. First, it's important to me for the players last name to be funny, and out of the ordinary. Any body can have a funny first name, but a good last name is rare. Second, anytime you can find a name that you have never heard before you are doing a good job. Third, any name with a non-possessive apostrophe is going to be good. His mom substituted the "T" in Antione, for an apostrophe, thus allowing her to break away from the traditional usage of the "ione" suffix, and use the Spanish "Juan". Damn.

That is creative, hilarious, and in my opinion, going to be hard to beat. The ball is now in your court readers. Impress me. And better yet, impress each other.

**Sike.

Funny Picture of the Week

2007-11-27T16:55:00.000-08:00

We always see people at the games we attend trying pathetically to attain free tickets. But once every blue moon, somebody does something clever and funny, and earns the free ticket that they asked for. I didn't have it in me this past Saturday to work any harder than a few emails and text messages to try and land a couple of Apple Cup tickets. Needless to say, I watched the game from the Duchess. Now, had I had the guile and creativity that my good buddy Barry showed, I may have had the misfortune of watching the debachle from the stands. In hind sight, I'm glad I wasn't there, for my poor Husky heart may not have been able to take that sort of pain in person. But Barry was, and here is why.

Barry is a clever guy, and for his spoils he was granted the gift of watching the Huskies lose the most painful game I can remember. I spent $80 on high quality liquor to entertain friends after the game, but I was so sad/mad/stunned/heart broken, that I had to cancel the party so I could regroup. Man was that game painful. At least Barry gave us some funny pictures to show for it.

Davone Bess for Hiesman

2007-11-27T01:21:00.000-08:00

I hope that you have had the chance to watch Hawaii's football team at some point this season. June Jones is an offensive genius, and his teams are among the most fun to watch year in and year out. This season is no different. Colt Brennen is a front runner for Hiesman, the Rainbow Warriors are undefeated and ranked 12th in the nation, and that game last Friday against Boise State was prime time action. But these are all things that you already know, and if you don't you will after they dismantle our beleaguered Huskies this Saturday in Honolulu. What you don't already know is the amazing tale of Davone Bess. Here at "Road to the BigTime" we often celebrate things in sports that are less than smiled upon by the mainstream sports media: Manny's posing, Randy Moss and T.O., sucker punching, etc. Well, Davone Bess is right up our alley. Not that he isn't a great guy, or a wonderful athlete. His story is simply unique, and appealing to my type of sports fan. Here is an ode to a "Road to the BigTime" all-star.

While his 15 catch, 181 yard, 2 touchdown game against Boise State was very impressive, what's more impressive to me is how he ended up in Hawaii. Bess was a three sport star in high school in Oakland, and was all set to attend Oregon State University on a full football scholarship, when he was locked up in a juvenile detention center for 15 months less than three weeks after his high school graduation. Oregon State quickly rescinded its scholarship, and there he was in juvie, all alone, athletic freak that he was, with no future in sports. So he did what any hood star would do. He convinced one of the activities coordinators at the detention center to start taping the 7 on 7 football scrimmages that they had during "exercise period". Eventually they had enough footage to compile a hi-lite tape, and they sent it to Hawaii. They liked it, and when he got out of jail, they extended him a scholarship, and the rest is history.

He got a college scholarship for a 7 on 7 jailyard hi-lite tape!! That is hard. Not only that, but he is one of the most athletic receivers in college football this year. He shakes guys like Steve Slaton, he does front flips into the end zone like Reggie Bush, and he has really funny bleached dread locks like T-Pain. So, if you get the chance to watch the Huskies game this Saturday, please do so for your own enjoyment. God knows that after the Apple Cup we all need a game to sit back, relax, and watch those good for nothing bastards get killed. I'll be rooting for Davone Bess, and if the dread locks and freakish athleticism have anything to say about it, you will be too.

My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes

2007-11-14T18:00:00.000-08:00

Welcome to another addition of "My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes." On our last visit we saw that Matt Emmick is a lucky ass hole, Jonah Golan resembles Rex, and that Sam Gelinas and Slava Medvedenko may have been separated at birth. Let's see if I can lose a couple more friends. But first, let's see what my angry friends said that I look like.

Unfortunately I was unable to find a picture of a "bucket of Too-Short's cum", so we'll just have to imagine what that looks like. What I did find was a picture of Brett Favre (Jonah said I looked like him) that looks a bit like me. Here it is.

And in case you forgot, this is what I look like.

Pretty similar I guess. Sorry about the Getty Images writing on Brett's face. Those ass holes at Getty Images really don't want anybody using their shit. I think they need to chill out.

That said, here are some more of my friends and their look a likes.

John Kitna

And your boy J-Sky. I have a feeling Skyward isn't gonna be too happy about this one. Sorry man, it's true.

Here is Eric Byrnes.

And my partner in play by play at Green River Community College, Jarret Tomalin.

This one is my favorite. Here is Red Sox pitcher, Dice-K Matsuzaka.

And my brother's roommate, and life long friend, Taylor Matsui.

I hope everybody enjoyed this edition. Until next time. Oh yeah, and feel free to fire back with who you think I look like. Brett Favre isn't exactly an insult since he's my favorite football player ever, and he's is the handsome spokesman of Wrangler Jeans.

Funny Picture of the Week

2007-11-14T16:12:00.001-08:00

Here is our second installment of "funny picture of the week." I got a few suggestions from you all, all of which were hilarious and much appreciated, but I think I have one to top them all. And, not only is it funny, but I took it, so I am even more excited to present it to you. I will first present to you the photo, then explain it in an attempt to save a little bit of face.

Believe it or not, this is not actually Barry Bonds. This is Ben Steitzer's Halloween costume. I realize that there a lot of questions that will come to most of your minds when you see this photo. Some of them maybe: Why did Ben choose Barry Bonds as a costume? Where did he find all the gear? Why did Andy decide to take pictures of Ben dressed as Barry Bonds? Was this actually a Halloween costume, or were Ben and Andy just goofing around the house? How did Ben's legs look in baseball pants?

All of these questions and more are simply explained in the story that you are about to read. I present to you, Ben and Andy's Halloween Party.

Since Ben has been going to college in Bellingham, and I decided to stay in Seattle and go to UW, I have gotten very used to the sad fact that I don't get to see my buddy all that often. Especially during the school year. So, when Ben called me up on Halloween, which was a Wednesday night, and told me that he was in town, I was elated. My excitement, though, quickly turned to panic, as I realized that I had just invited Ben over to my house with absolutely no Halloween night plans whatsoever.

You see, Ben usually comes home every other weekend, and with this set schedule I am able to pre-plan an itinerary of fun filled activities for us to embark on during these said alternate weekends. These weekends usually consist of us doing, in this order: nothing, watching shitty Jimmy Fallon movies, drinking left over champagne from my New Years party last year, and prank calling the Gelinas parents. But with no warning of his arrival, I had no itinerary of fun.

So, I did what I do every time I need a quick fix solution for fun, I called my life long friends, Cam and Clay Bell. These two guys, if you don't know them, are basically the picture of a good time. Twins, who are equally hilarious and interested in making sure your time with them is spent getting made fun of, and discussing the obvious dangers of growing up on the mean streets of Seward Park.(Easily the most Jewish and friendly neighborhood in all of South Seattle, where they, Ben and I all live.)

I got a hold of Cam, and after about three minutes of being chastised for the "whiteness" of saying "hey, man" when I answered the phone, we got down to business. They were planning on going to a night club called "Sugar". There was apparently a great Halloween party happening there, and if we got there before 11 we could get in free. Halelouya, I thought. The night was saved, and more importantly I was still the King of Fun in Ben's eyes. I was so happy with myself for creating a plan so quickly, that I nearly didn't hear Cam drop the bomb that decimated my self satisfaction.

"Oh yeah, to get in free you gotta have a costume. I'm going as Prince, Clay is gonna be Superman......"

I didn't hear anything after that. I couldn't hear after that. Not over the crashing airplane that was my reputation. "Costumes!?! How the hell am I gonna do that?" I frantically thought to myself.

"So, you guys in?" Cam excitedly asked.

This is a problem that has plagued me for my whole life. In an attempt to impress for even the most ridiculous of reasons, I'll pretend to have it "all under control." When there is clearly not a chance in hell that it's under control at all.

"Of course," I said as coolly as possible.

"What are you guys gonna be?"

For fuck's sake Cam, what the fuck are you, the KBG. Stop putting the screws to me. I thought we were friends. "What are you guys gonna be?" Who the fuck does Cam think he is. I don't have to impress him, we've been friends for years. So why after all this time is he now showing his true sadistic and malicious intentions. To expose me for the fraud that I am.

"Oh, you'll see. You're gonna laugh your ass off." What a sad, pathetic man I am.

It was 10:15. Ben was on his way. Cam and Clay expected us to be at their house soon enough to get into "Sugar" before 11. And there I was, in my laundry room, frantically ravaging through our old costume closet. The closet was full of costumes from my, and my brothers, childhood. Cool old homemade clown suits, and vampire capes, and Ninja Turtles headbands. This would have been the mother load, if I where 4'10" and weighed 90 pounds. And, unfortunately the new female manifesto that nothing is too small to wear on Halloween, doesn't exactly work for the opposite and far hairier sex.

So there I was, trying on my clown suit from third grade, Ben seconds away from my house expecting the night of his life, Cam most likely telling Clay to expect comic gold from our costumes, and I was picking a polka dotted wedgie from my ass. Not exactly the picture of composure that I tried to portray on the phone.

When Ben got there, I spilled the beans. I told him all about how I didn't have a plan, how I told Cam and Clay that we had great costumes, how they were probably expecting greatness and that I had nothing. It was teetering on the verge of an episode of Dr. Phil when Ben spotted my Barry Bonds jersey hanging in my closet. This jersey, that I had gotten for $7 from Value Village the summer before, that I wore at times during his chase of Hand Aaron to provoke arguments of steroids and cheating, was exactly what we needed. There is nothing funnier than skinny white guys dressed as big strong athletes. Ben and Barry Bonds were a match made in heaven. The funniest part of the whole costume, in my opinion, is that he simply dressed up like Barry Bonds: the jersey, the hat, baseball pants, and that was it. No statement whatsoever. I bet he wasn't the only guy dressed as Barry Bonds this Halloween, but I bet he was the only one that didn't make an obvious steroids joke, or some meaningless, bull shit, Skip Bayless attempt at proving that Barry Bonds is a bad guy. Ben just dressed as Barry Bonds, and that is funny.

As for me, I remembered that I had a full Adidas running suit, which a great base for a Run DMC costume. I threw on a bucket hat, and an Africa chain, and the two of us were ready to party.

In the end Cam and Clay were thoroughly amused, which was the ultimate goal in the first place. "Sugar" didn't care if you had a costume on or not, if you had a penis it was $10 to get in. And we had a great night.

As for Ben's legs in the baseball pants, I think this will answer that question.

Funny Picture of the Week

2007-11-10T00:59:00.000-08:00

Now that I have discovered the ability to put pictures up on the blog, there are going to be a lot more visual jokes, hence the "My Friends Look like Famous Athletes" blog. (Which was a surprisingly big hit with all of you. I'm glad everyone enjoyed it so much. Although I have yet to hear from Sam G. It is possible that our friendship hinged on the argument that he did or didn't look like Slava Medvedenko. And now that I have proved beyond a reasonable doubt that he is Slava's long lost brother, our friendship maybe over. I hope not. I have been getting lots of suggestions for look alikes, so rest assured there is another one coming soon.) I am lazy, so my goal for this blog is to come up with enough special "once a week" regulars, that I don't have to do anything creative anymore, and I can simply rest on my laurels. Unfortunately, in order for that to be possible, I have to think of these regulars first. So until I get there I'll keep up the random blog topics. But, here is one of my hopeful regulars. There are always hilarious pictures taken during sporting events that I see and want to share with friends, and I would be remiss if I didn't use this blog to show my findings. So, here is the newest member of the family: Funny Picture of the Week.

I truly believe that this is the most perfect picture to start this segment off with. I have seen lots of sports, and lots of pictures, but some how Yao Ming continues to be the victim of funny photography more often than any other athlete. Whether he is falling over in the wake of Starbury cross over, tripping over his warm up pants, or getting a mouth full of Kobe Bryant, Yao's ability to be in the wrong place at the right time is unrivaled. And now, he has a partner. Here's to Chinese basketball players, and the funny pictures that they inspire.

My Friends Look Like Famous Athletes

2007-11-05T13:41:00.000-08:00

The newest edition to the Road to the BigTime family is here. Along with my sporadic lists of people I want to punch, and the occasional recount of the Douche Bags of the Week, I am going to do random updates of my friends who look like famous athletes. You will be surprised by how many there are. And you will be amused by just how similar these dopplegangers actually get. I don't want to blow my entire load on this first edition, but I'm gonna list a bunch of them. Don't worry though, I didn't get any consent from any of my buddies about this, so when you show up on the list, don't get mad, just accept that you look a lot like Slava Medvadenko.

Here goes.

The Good.

Tom Brady and my buddy Matt Emmick. There is nothing wrong with looking like Tom Brady.

The not so good.

Rex Grossman and my friend Jonah Golan. While Rex sucks so hard he got replaced by Brian Griese, he isn't an ugly guy. So while it sort of sucks to look like a shitty QB, at least he isn't ugly.

The Ugly.

Slava Medvedenko and my good pal Sam Gelinas. This is just one of the many famous athletes that Sam looks like. I put Slava up first because Sam always denies it, you decide.

On the next edition I'll have my friend who looks like John Kitna, my buddy who looks like Eric Byrnes, more famous athletes that Sam Gelinas looks like, and all the ugly people my friends tell me I look like after they see that I think they look like Rex Grossman and Slava Medvedenko.

The Game of the Millenium

2007-11-04T11:25:00.000-08:00

Maybe it will be the greatest football game ever played. It has certainly gotten more coverage than any other regular season game I can think of. And rightfully so. Both teams are undefeated. Both teams are led by arguably the greatest quarterback of this generation, and they have combined to win 4 of the last 6 Super Bowls. And today, their already marvelous rivalry could potentially take it's place next to some of the greatest sports rivalries of all time. If today's game lives up to the hype, Colts-Pats will be along side the likes of the Lakers-Celtics of the 80's, the Yankees-Red Sox and Duke-North Carolina. If only Tom Brady and Peyton Manning hated eachother, we might have the greatest rivalry ever. Unfortunately they're both nice guys, so until now, this match up has seen some great games, but no extra drama. That will all change today. While Tom Brady maybe a gentlemen, his best reciever is a clown, and his coach is an ass hole. This is what has me so excited about the game. No matter how great the play will be, and it will be great, the addition of Randy Moss and the huge chip that Belichek has on his shoulder this year are going to add a new dimension to this rivalry. Feathers, that were previously neatly arranged, will be ruffled. Feelings, that were previously respected, will be hurt. And this rivalry, that was previously good, will now be great.

PREGAME PREDICTION: Pats by 10, 34-24. They're too good.

Hey Boston, can you spare some change?

2007-11-03T22:29:00.001-07:00

This is a plea to any and all of the good fortune that the city of Boston, and ALL of it's sports teams are currently experiencing. I am the homeless guy that is standing outside of the bar on Saturday night begging for money, and Boston is the drunk basketball player who just got hammered for free and is about to go home and have sex with the flexible cheerleader. Boston, I beg you, please spare some change. Boston fans would like you to believe that they are only experiencing the karmatic results of decades of devout suffering, but don't believe that for a second. True, the Red Sox didn't win a World Series for over 80 years, the Patriots struggled in the 80's and most of the 90's, and the Celtics haven't been good for 20 years, but you have to realize that most of these things didn't over lap. While the Sox were on the schnide for 8 straight decades, the Celtics were busy winning 17 NBA Championships. When the Celtics got bad, the Patriots stepped up and won three Super Bowls in four years. When the Pats seemed like they were gonna cool off, the Sox finally got their World Series. And at any given time, if any of the big three were struggling, those chowder heads could always turn to the Bruins who have won 5 Stanley Cups, or any of there college teams that are always good at something. My point is that it has always been easy to be a sports fan in Boston, because even when one of your teams was struggling, you had another one to turn to. But now, it has gotten ridiculous. While we are at one of our lowest points as a sports city, Boston is getting as lucky as Shaun Alexander in a dick tree. Let's take a sport by sport look at Boston's blessings and Seattle's suckiness.

Baseball-
Although I am pretty happy with the off season coaching additions that the M's have made so far, Larry Bowa, Mel Stoudelmire, etc., Boston is coming off of it's second world series in four years. No more complaining about the "curse". Let's talk about our curse, the curse of existing. We are one of four teams that have never played in the world series, along with Tampa Bay, Milwaukee, and Washington. We've only been around for 32 years, and I know 32 is less than 86, but never is more than 86. We have 1995 and 2001 and that's it. Baseball misery: advantage Seattle.

Pro Football-
The Patriots are the best team in football, possibly the best team ever assembled, they might go undefeated, they have the coolest receiver, the best looking and most bad ass QB, and a coach that has a taste for blood. We are pretty mediocre. We kicked 6 field goals against St. Louis, who is the worst team in football. We have a bunch of number 2 receivers, a bald quarter back, a running back that...isn't good*, and a coach that has a taste for donuts. Just as in baseball, our city has zero championships in this sport. Football misery: advantage Seattle.

*I am no longer going to spend my time, or yours, writing about Shaun Alexander. He is awful. We all know it. 2005 was a great year, but a lot of that credit goes to the O-Line, possibly the best ever. Now Walt is old, and Hutch is making another running back very very happy - Adrian Peterson. Alexander is a waste of time, money, and space, and I am done with him. I hope he builds a tree house in that dick tree we talked about earlier, and leaves all of us alone.

Basketball-
What can I say. The Celts have our best player from last year, and he is the third best player on their team. I hope everybody watched the Celtics play on Friday night, because they are for real. KG is great. We already knew that, but now that he is in a great sports city, with great players, he is on another level. As for us, we have been pretty exciting. "Wonderboy" Durant has been totally amazing, and "Young Nasty Man" Green has been pretty good too. But that's not the point. Clay Bennett officially filed his relocation papers on Friday, and made it public (as if we didn't already know) that he plans on moving the team to Oklahoma City. David Stern said we "have no heart" as a basketball city. I'll have a blog dedicated to this whole cluster in couple of days, as for now, it's pretty fair to say that we are more miserable than any other basketball city in the country. Save our Sonics. Advantage no one.

So, like I said, I am the homeless guy in the rain, and Boston is sipping champagne in the penthouse sweet with it's hot girlfriend. Are we doomed to a life of Richard's Wild Irish Rose and masturbating in a card board box, thinking about Super Bowl rings and World Series'? None of my favorite pro teams have won a championship in my lifetime. To make matters worse, the only titles we have in the past 30 years are bunch of Sounders A-League Championships, and the Storm. That's not a consolation, it's paint balls filled with salt, being shot at our already painful wounds. Cleveland feels our pain, so does Philadelphia. Come on Boston, don't be a dick, spare some change.

Game 3

2007-10-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

I was unable to sit at my lap top in my mom's basement during game three due to my responsibilities at KJR, (I had to sit at the KJR computer and play commercials), so I was unable to keep my running thoughts. I will resume the series this evening in what maybe my last chance to write about baseball for the winter. I will be very indepth tonight to make up for my absence in game 3, but I will fill you in on some of my late game three thoughts.

I was wrong about Dice-K; I guess his breaking balls were breaking. To be fair I said he'd get rocked, and his curve ball was breaking like a Japanese B-Boy. He was very good, and I can admit when I was wrong. He still more than likely listens to bad pop music and wears "skinny" jeans.

I was wrong about the Sox dropping game 3: I thought the Rockies would rebound at home with the support of the Colorado crowd and the thin air, but I was wrong. The series could still go to six though, which is what I want, because while I can be wrong, I hate it, so let's go Rockies, make me a genius.

-Manny was safe. If he wouldn't have tripped on the helmet falling off of is head at third base, he'd have been safe by two feet. Nevertheless he pulled off a very athletic slide, and avoided the tag. I think if he wouldn't have gotten up and signaled that he was safe before the ump did, he wouldn't have been called out. Ump's are haters.

-Jacoby Ellsbury is good. I know I keep saying this, but I like him. He's gonna be good for a long time.

Well, that's all I remember. I'll get into game 4 all the way because like I said, it maybe the last of baseball for the season. But it won't be, I predicted 6 games, so there will be 6 games.

Game 2 Running Thoughts

2007-10-25T17:50:00.000-07:00

It seems to me that everybody liked reading my thoughts on game 1, so I'm gonna do it again for game 2. This blog trend proves two things; one, I always listen to, and try to please my readers, and two, I have nothing better to do than sit here and write about every inning of the world series. Either I'm a loser, or I love you guys, either way I'm home alone in my basement watching this game. Here we go.

1st Inning
TOP
Schilling and Joe Buck should go on vacations together and rub sun screen onto each others backs. I hate them both equally, and for the same reasons.

He hit Tavarez to start off the game. Interesting tactic, I like it. Hit the guy who led the league in bunt singles. Maybe Schilling isn't that bad.

Infield Ichiro by Holiday, Tavarez ends up on third due to a throwing error by Lowell.

Helton comes up, with that awful goatee. His mouth looks like a hippies vagina. Ground out to third, run scores. The Rockies are winning, the Rockies are winning. It's a Miracle.

Inning over. This maybe the last time the Rockies lead the game for a while. Here come the Sox

2nd Inning-
TOP
Quick single by Brad Hawpe. They are jumping on Schilling early. First or second pitch.

Nice pitch by Schilling. He is still pretty good, for a self satisfied, annoying, self promoting douche bag. I wonder if he starts pitching bad, if he'll rub some ketchup on his sock.

Torrealba grounds into an inning ending double play, he must have learned that when he played in Seattle.

BOTTOM

Manny Leads it off. I wonder if he knows that it's the World Series? Probably not. He grounds out to third, and never leaves the batters box. I love Manny.

Lowell has hella gray in his beard. They say he's Puerto Rican, but I don't believe it, I bet he likes Ricky Martin though. He grounds out to third too.

They are talking about how curve balls don't work in Denver. Good thing Boston is going with Dice-K in game three. He doesn't rely on breaking balls at all.

JD Drew gets hit with the pitch. Two hit batsmen in the first two innings, let's pray for a fight. I bet Papi could beat the shit out of any Rockies player. But I bet Clint Hurdle could kill anybody in the league. Hurdle looks like a cowboy, I like it.

Here's Varitek, I hope they hit him too. Apparently Varitek likes Dave Mathews Band and Bare Naked Ladies, I knew he sucked.

3rd Inning
TOP
Damn, Joe Buck just spent three minutes killing the mood of the game by telling a story about a Yankees intern who got killed in a car accident when his drunk cab driver wrecked the cab. Thanks a lot Joe, you really know how to capture the vibe of playoff baseball.

Two quick outs by the Rockies.

Kaz-Mat steps in. I bet he wears tight jeans. Quickly 0-2 on Matsui, Schilling strikes him out. He is looking sharp. I hate him.

BOTTOM
Jacoby Ellsbury leads it off. I like guys from Oregon State. Stephen Jackson, Gary Payton, Chad Johnson. That school turns out clowns. He grounds out.

The ump is going with a pretty big strike zone tonight, I like that. Lugo grounds out.

Jiminez's dad came to visit him during the Rockies 9 game layoff. It was his first time on a plane, and his first time seeing snow. Baseball is the catalyst for some great, funny stories. What do you think he said when he saw the snow? Probably something hard to understand.

Pedroia walks. He looks like he's 14.

Youk almost just got hit in the head. He looks like John Malkevic from Rounders. I wonder if he eats Oreo's before every home run he hits. Probably not. He walks, no Oreo's.

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE's Papi. Back to back walks, make him pay David, make him pay. I wonder if these guys know each other, they're both Dominican.

They keep showing the Boston bullpen cheering every time the Sox have a rally going. Am I the only one who doesn't really think it's all that cool.

WAY BACK. WAY BACK. Foul. He just missed a homer by about a foot. The Pesky pole sounds like a nickname for a sneaky Polish guy. Strike out for Papi. Too bad.

4th Inning
TOP
I got a phone call, luckily nothing happened. Quick inning. Maybe Boston can get a hit this inning.

BOTTOM
Manny pops up to third. I want nothing more than to see him hit a big one, and mug it.

Lowell walks. Brings up JD Drew...who sucks. I predict a double play.

Line single, Lowell goes to third. Every time I predict failure for JD, he succeeds. I should hate on him more often.

Varitek hits a deep sacrafice to center. He seems to always come through when they need him. That's cool, the Mariners were better without him. Dan Wilson, Kenji, we're good.

The Red Sox relief pitchers call their bullpen the Black Pearl, they think they're pirates. Is that cool or dumb? Probably dumb, at least they win.

Ellsbury walks. Lugo has a chance to do something big for once. Ellsbury stole second, we all get free tacos. Go to Taco Bell and get your free taco on October 30th. Thanks Jacoby. Lugo fails.

FUCK. I just got called into KJR to work. No more thoughts. This fucking sucks, I was having a good time. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Go Manny.

******Three hours Later**********

Alright, I returned to my home, and I have some final and less thorough thoughts on game 2.

Mike Lowell is the perfect guy to follow Manny and Papi. I know I said he has the easiest job in baseball, but he is perfect for it. He is a line drive hitter with power. He hits doubles and comes up big, and I want him on our team.

Hideki Okajima is hella good. I am not really sure what he does. It's like Jamey Moyer meets Norm Charleton meets tricky fork ball. It's pretty crazy, but he maybe the best Japanese pitcher on the Sox, and they didn't have to pay $50 million just to talk to him.

What the hell was Matt Holiday thinking? How can you get picked off, with two outs, when you're the tying run, in the eighth inning of the World Series with one of your best hitters at the plate? Like I said yesterday, young teams make young mistakes. The Sox have been here, they are bleeding the count with every pitcher. (The Red Sox have thrown 126 and 119 pitches in the two games respectively. The Rockies have thrown 197 and 146, that's a hell of a stat Bunktown) And even more than that, you'd never see a Boston player get picked off by a RIGHT HANDED PITCHER, down by one run in the eighth inning. You just won't see that from them.

Jonathon Papelbon is hard as shit. Granted, the "stare" is dumb and overrated, but his fast ball is completely unfair. He throws 97 with movement. And I honestly think he wants to win more than any player I've seen in a long long time. He is intense. That's the type of stuff you wanna see from a player in the World Series. To be honest though, I think he just wants to dance in his underwear again. What a dichotomy, scary flame thrower turns ninny dancing in his scibbies. That said, he is good.

My predictions are still in tact. This is precisely what I thought would happen. Now the Rocks will win game 3 and 4, due to Dice-K's inability to move his pitches in the light air and the Rockies huge edge at Coors Field. Then Beckett will drop the hammer again in game 5, and secure the co-MVP award. Then back to Fenway where Schilling will pitch the lights out in his final game as a Red Sock and come home with another World Series co-MVP award. So be it.

Hey Boston, can you spare some change?

2007-10-25T17:43:00.000-07:00

Game 1 Running Thoughts

2007-10-24T17:43:00.000-07:00

Instead of consolidating these game notes into a blog that is more of a sports article, I am going to leave them as they are. I think it might be funny for some of you guys to read what I am thinking about when I watch a game and take notes on it. So, hopefully you like this, if not I'll give you your money back.

1st inning-
TOP
Josh Beckett jacked off on the Rockies with 3 K's in the first. Threw one high and tight to Holliday, message received, he was stepping towards the dugout on the next three pitches.

Kaz Matsui was the starting shortstop over Jose Reyes in New York, then the Mets traded him for Eli Morrero. The Mets are stupid.

FOX played "Here Comes your Man" by the Pixies out of the first inning into the commercial. A nice surprise, different from the usual John Fogerty, "Center Field."

BOTTOM
Dustin Pedroia homers, he is a god in Boston for life. He has 6 RBI in his last 5 at bats. On the down side, he'll be bald by 26.

Youk with a double. Six total bases by the Sox first two batters. Fuck, they are hot. Here come the Dominicans.

Papi tried to bunt, thank god he fouled it off.

Jeff Francis apparently grew up playing street hockey in Canada, therefore weather will not play a factor for him in this game. Bad Joe Buck comment number one.

Papi grounds out, moves the runner, here comes your Manny. 2-0 Sox, Manny sees one pitch, Manny has one RBI. Joe Buck is sad.

Clint Hurdle will apparently "throw that book away. That coaching book. The one that says what to do and what not to do." Joe Buck bad comment number two.

Jason Veritek is up, 50th post season game as a Red Sock. Heathcliff Slocumb is drunk somewhere buying hookers with the Mariners money.

The Captain singles, bringing up J.D. the $14 million slugger, who bats seventh.

JD doubles, scoring Manny. This is the first time I have seen Manny score from second without his helmet falling off, he must mean business.

This series is going to be painful because both catchers are X-M's, therefore every pitch will remind me of our painful inability to retain talent, and that we have a catcher named Kenji.

Nice play by Atkins, inning over. 3-0 Sox.

2nd inning-
TOP
Beckett starts the game with 4 straight K's. He may throw a perfect game with 27 K's.

Nope, Garrett Atkins hits a double off the wall. Atkins is the only Rockie doing anything so far.

Hawpe strikes out. He won't pitch a perfect game, 27 K's is still a possibility.

Troy Tulowitzki doubles in Atkins. Beckett is human.

Here is Yorvit, my favorite X-M name ever. He bounces to Lugo, no more chance at 27 K's. Too bad. Asdrubal is a good name too.

We have our first Dane Cook sighting. I swear to god that if it wasn't for those reminders about how great October is, I might stop watching. Thank you Dane. There is only one October.

BOTTOM

Jocoby Ellsbury. Pac 10 guy. Gotta like that. How had I never heard the name Jacoby before three months ago, but now there is Ellbury and Jacoby Jones of the Texans. Weird. He grounds out.

Pedroia grounds out too. He'll be crushed to find out that he doesn't get an RBI for that.

Youkilis is ugly as fuck. Ugliest guy in the series by far. Helton is ugly too. I hate bushy goatees. He draws the walk.

So far FOX has gone with the Pixies and Jimmy Buffet for their music selections, Jason Powell would be happy if he were watching.

Here's Papi. Best facial hair in the series. Best facial hair in baseball actually, it's just so clean. He must use a ruler. Line double to left, Youk scores. Very poorly played by Holiday.

They're walking Manny. Good call. He's hard.

Here' Lowell. Is there a better spot in any line up in baseball than Lowell has? Following Papi and Manny, how easy is that. Pitchers are so relieved to be done with those two, they practically tee it up for him. Hence the .330 average with 30 homers this year.

Harmless pop up. Inning over.

I think they just went to commercial with a Ramones song. I think I like the music director at FOX for this game.

3rd
TOP-
Josh Beckett's goatee looks like a female pornstar's pubic hair.

Spielborgs lines to second.

Willie Tavaris had 37 bunt hits this year? Holy Ichiro!! Manny ran down a long fly ball in the gap. Like he says he's "the best left fielder in baseball." Should have bunted Willie.

Kaz-Mat pops to short, easy inning for Beckett.

BOTTOM-

"It's the kind of thing that made Richard Dreyfuss go into the back yard. Like we're being visited." Bad comment number three, by Joe Buck, talking about the Auquos Blimp that is flying over the game. What a joke, they can't get Kevin Calabro to call the World Series? He'd have a lot of fun with Manny's antics. Only in dreams.

JD Drew grounds weakly to first. He must think he gets paid by the weak ground out, because he has about 14 million of them this year.

Bunt single by Ichiro...sorry I mean Lugo. Bunt single by Lugo. Bunt singles are weak.

Jacoby grounds out, he's handsome. Inning over, without a run. The Rockies are improving.

4th Inning
TOP-
Dustin Pedroia and Terry Francona play cribbadge every day? What are they 90.

Double by Helton, he's still batting .190 in the playoffs, the green monster is getting peppered tonight.

Tim McCarver just sucked Todd Helton's dick...so did Joe Buck. Apparently neither of them has heard of HGH or the clear.

I think Beckett has thrown like six curve balls tonight. He is throwing like 90% fast balls, and he has 7 K's through 4 innings. If McCarver and Buck wanna slurp somebody, it should be Beckett.

BOTTOM-
Another Ramones song coming out of the commercial, I'm gonna watch the credits at the end of the game and send a congratulatory email to the music director. Good music is a very rare thing on a FOX baseball broadcast, usually loads of Tom Petty and AC/DC.

Troy Tulowitzki is 23, I am 23. Weak.

Two quick outs for Jeff Francis. He must be reverting back to his weather training growing up playing street hockey in Canada.

Papi goes to left again. He is a great great hitter. Not just for power, he can go to any field and get hits. Now I'm slurping.

Speaking of slurping, here's Manny.

Tim McCarver reminds us that there haven't always been seats on the Green Monster. Thanks, maybe he should get in on those Dane Cook commercials, and they can both tell us stuff we already know about baseball.

Manny goes opposite field for a double. When you can take outside pitches the other way like Papi and Manny can, life is good.

Intentional walk to Mike Lowell, bases loaded for Varitek.

"If you've only been watching the NLCS and not the ALCS..." Joe Buck bad comment number four. No one has been watching the NLCS. And who would watch the NLCS and not the ALCS, Joe Buck sucks.

Varitek doubles down the left field line, two more runs score. 6-1 Sox.

JD Drew strikes out of course, and the inning is over. So too, maybe the game. Six runs for Beckett is more than enough I think.

5th Inning
TOP
MIMS "This is why I'm Hot" coming out of commercial. This is just getting better and better.

Tulowitzki swings at the first pitch and grounds out to short. Inexperienced players help out veteran pitchers in the playoffs. Jeff Francis has thrown 90+ pitches, Beckett is in the 50's.

Beckett with another K. That's 8. All fastballs too.

Beckett has 34 K's with only 1 walk this post season, he is pretty good. Make that 2 walks, he just walked Spilborghs.

BOTTOM
This is crazy, because I just got a phone call, and I talked for a half an hour, and I came back and it was still the bottom of the fifth. While watching the game on mute I noticed that the Rockies walked in three runs in a row, balked a guy over, went through three pitchers and blew the game wide open. 13-1 Sox. I'm glad I spent that inning talking and not paying attention to the laugher that game one has become.

It's 13-1. Game Over, no more thoughts.

"Troy either had purchased for him, or purchased himself, Jeter's cologne...Driven. Which is a breath taking fragrance." Joe Buck bad comment number six.

I'm Psychic

2007-10-24T17:28:00.000-07:00

I just want to make my prediction quickly before the game starts so I can make sure no one thinks I'm cheating. I can see how you might assume that I am, since I have predicted what would happen so far this post season to a T. I predicted a Sox sweep over Los Angeles, I predicted Cleveland in 4 over the Yanks. I said the Sox would win a thrilling 7 game series vs. the Indians, and guess what, they did. And if it wasn't for the fact that the Rockies never lose, I'd have called the number of games in their series also. Nevertheless, I called Sox vs. Rocks, and I am going to revel in my fortunate forecasting. I'm a soothsayer. I'm a profit. Whatever, here's the World Series prediction 20 seconds before the first pitch. Sox in six. So be it.

3 Sweeps, The Boss is Upset, and Spoken Word??

2007-10-08T00:29:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be to over congratulatory with myself, but for all the heat I've been taking for predicting the M's to win the wild card and Hawks to the Super Bowl, I'm gonna bathe in the glory of my divisional series predictions. Not only was I 75% on my final four teams, and had Sweet Lou not pulled Big Z too early in game one I may have been 4 for 4, but I picked the Sox and Indians series down to the game. Pretty good Bunktown, but enough back patting, time to get down to business.

The Sox are for real. The Indians are too. The ALCS is going to be fantastic, which is a really good thing, because the NLCS may draw less ratings than a "Joey" marathon. I don't want to kill my ratings, so I'm not going to talk about the NLCS, I know none of you care about it so, Rockies in six, and that's it.

Back to more important and interesting topics. The two best pitching staffs in baseball are matching up in what could be a classic seven game series. CC vs. Beckett, Fausto vs. Dice-K, the Rafaels, Papelbon, Jo Bo the dirty Polack, and much much more. So, if there is so much great pitching in this series, why is it the offense that has me so excited? Manny, Pappi, and the seven Cleveland starters batting over .350 in the playoffs, that's why. David Ortiz is batting .714 in the playoffs. I know it was only a three game series, but he came to the plate 13 times, 11 of those times he got on base. In 13 at bats the Angels could only get him out twice. And he isn't fast. He isn't legging out infield singles. He is killing the ball. Manny is batting .375, and if you combine the two HUGE home runs he hit over the weekend he probably covered a quarter of a mile. Conversely, Jhonny Peralta is batting .467, and Lofton and Siezmore are both batting .375. Both teams have offenses that are firing on all cylinders, and pitching staffs that are fabulous. This is going to be a great series, and in the end it's going to come down to experience. Boston has been there, Cleveland is young. While CC and Fausto are both great, they're not going to win every game by 5 runs. That means that Joe Borowski will come into play. You can't win the AL with a closer who has a plus 5 ERA, especially when Boston has arguably the best closer in baseball. If it comes down to Jo Bo vs. Pappi late in a game, who would you pick. Plus Beckett was world series MVP, so was Manny. My prediction, Boston in a great great 7. Sorry Skyward.

As happy and optimistic as both the Red Sox and Indians are going to in the next round of the playoffs, the Yankees are pissed off and going home. More than that, George Stienbrenner is getting ready to shake things up. Joe Torre is gone, period. Whether he quits or gets fired or gets whacked (he needs to be in the next Martin Scorsese movie) he is gone with the wind. So too maybe A-Rod, who had a frustrating resurgence in games 3 and 4 not allowing himself to go down in history as the worst post season flop of all time. That said, he may decide to hit the market and see what he can get. And for the first time in about six years, I'm on his side on this one. There is no doubt that he is a sniveling, whiney, lifeless, self important, phony douche bag. That said, he maybe the best human to ever put on spikes. So, why not throw out the line and see if anybody bites. It's not like he should feel any need to be loyal to the Yankees or the city of New York. Not that I don't think it's great, but every time he blinks he's on the back page of the New York Post or getting booed. Shop around. See if you can't pull in 35, maybe 40 million, and go to some other poor, unsuspecting city and crush their dreams and handcuff their payroll. Good luck Cubs.

One last thing before I go. I don't know if anyone has seen this on Sportscenter, but Stuart Scott has some how convinced his producers that him reciting spoken word poems about current sporting events is a good idea. Tonight he did one about KG playing for Boston. Complete with sort of rhyming lyrics, "moody" lighting, and retarded camera angles, he performed a minute and half long poem about Kevin Garnett. Three reasons why this sucks, beside the obvious ones: 1. Now I will think about that poem every time I see KG in green, 2. Sportscenter, a nearly perfect show, is now a little shittier, 3. Stuart Scott is getting so much pull at ESPN they are letting him do whatever he wants. I only wish Kenny Mayne would have been his co-host tonight, I think he might have had something to say about the poem.

I'm sorry to have to give Stu the Dane Cook treatment, but I feel it's necessary.
HEY STU. It is Sportscenter. Be glad that you have the best fucking job in the world, and stop trying so hard to fuck it up. You're not in some college coffee shop in Portland, it's not Dave Chapelle's Block Party, it is Sportscenter. Stick to having a lazy eye and trying to hide it. Stick to awkwardly reminding us that you are "hip" six times a show by saying "booya" and "Ray Ray and Pookie and them". Stick to what has gotten you to the top. Please, Stu, no more spoken word. It's just sad. Think about what your kids have to go through at school every time you write a poem about some male athlete you don't even know. Think about the kids Stu, and make it stop.

X-M's, Fausto, Bugs, Manny's Dong and the Reverse Bartman

2007-10-05T22:36:00.000-07:00

Before we get to anything else, let's take our daily look at the X-M's and how they did in today's action.

Alex Rodriguez- 0-4, 3 K, no hits in his last 28 post season road at bats, second longest streak of all time, what a joke.
Asdrubal Crabrera- 0-4, 6 Runners left on base
Jason Veritek- 0-4, 2 runners left on base
David Ortiz- 1-1, 4 BB, 2 intentional walks, 2 R

Statistically a pretty bad day for all of the XM's, except for David Ortiz. But in my opinion it was a fabulous day. The Sox pulled into a 2-0 series lead, leaving the Angels one loss away from four months of thinking "what could have been." And, above all, the Yanks are down two, and A-Rod is one bad game away from being a Chicago Cub. What the hell is wrong with this guy? 0 for his last 28 road at bats, 4 for is last 47 overall post season at bats, and since he left the M's he hasn't had a decent post season. For being the best player in baseball, he isn't very good.

*Hilarious random stat that I hope you all noticed when watching the Yanks v. Angels game. The longest 0-fer streak in post season history is 30 at bats by Billy North, the next three...A-Rod, Dan Wilson and Rickey Henderson, all XM's. It's nice to be able to think about your favorite team while watching other teams in the playoffs, and with any luck, we will have one of our own on top of that list by Sunday night. Go A-Rod!!!

As for players who didn't ever have the privilege of wearing the navy and teal, Friday was a hell of a night for baseball. Fausto Carmona is my favorite pitcher in the post season, and not just because he carried my fantasy baseball team into the playoffs. His sinker is everything a sinker is supposed to be. He made A-Rod look like a fool four times, and he apparently he isn't bothered by bugs. Which brings me to my next point. That had to be one of the most disgusting things I have seen in a really long time. I had about a billion random thoughts during the three innings where the bugs were attacking the game. Here is a short list:

-Cleveland is an awful, horrible, gross place.
-Joba Chamberlain attracts bugs like a pile of shit.
-Was the bug spray they gave Joba actually attracting the bugs? After he sprayed that stuff on himself, he had more bugs on him than a Mexican taco truck.
-Why didn't the bugs affect Fausto? Maybe he likes it? Fausto is great.

The night game was even more fun for a lot of reasons. I am getting far too much pleasure out of watching the Angels get beat, but whatever, I have to feel better about the Mariners some how. (By the way, during the Sox/Angels game we got word that the M's fired all of their coaches except Jeff Pentland the hitting coach. Other than Pentland, the McLariners will have a whole new staff next year. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE HIRE NORM CHARLETON!!!)

The second best thing that happened in the game was what I will refer to as the "Reverse Bartman." This is a perfect example of how the Red Sox have the best fans in baseball. (I'm talking about the ones from Boston, not the teenie bopper "Red Sox Nation" douche bags who populate every other city in the country) I guarantee that if that was a Angel batter who popped up and Jason Varitek was in the stands trying to catch that ball, that kid would have gotten out of the way. But it wasn't. It was Manny, and that kid did exactly what he should have done. When the other team is in the stands, get in their way. And that is exactly what he did, and he made a pretty nice catch too. His play kept Manny alive, Manny walked, and the next batter drove in a run. That kid should get an RBI. Fifty bucks says he got laid because of that play, and that is why the Red Sox have the best home fans in baseball.

But the best thing that happened in the game was Manny's HUGE walk off. I had even more thoughts during this play than I did during Joba and the bugs, here they are:

-It's huge!!
-Why is he still standing there in the batters box? Doesn't he know that even though the game's over, he still has to run.
-Walking Pappi to get to Manny is like talking your way out of a fight with Evander Holifield so you can fight Mike Tyson, what's the difference, you're gonna get your ass kicked either way.
-Why is he still standing there with his hands in the air, somebody tell him he has to run.
-I couldn't hit a 5 iron as far as he hit that home run.
-It's really really big!
-I just got a text from Jonah expressing his thoughts on Manny's pipe.
-Is he still standing there?

-When was his last hair cut?
-That ball may cause a car crash....in Connecticut.
-Good he's running, or jogging very very slowly.
-If I could do what he just did, I'd stand in the batters box for twice that long. And if my hang down was as long as his, I'd take off my pants before I sauntered around the bases.

The best part of the whole thing though, was this: we were watching the game at Sport Restaurant near the Seattle Center, for a KJR event. We had a special section set up for people who wanted to watch the game with us, and win prizes and get their pictures taken with this huge bobble head doll named "Postseason Pete". Most of the people in the section were Red Sox fans, and by the time Manny pulled out on K-Rod, they were all good and drunk. By some crazy stroke of luck, Softy decided to start up a conversation with the ladies next to us about the size of, of all things, David Ortiz's piece. I don't think he knew how much this topic means to me, because before long I was giving a full on lecture about how Manny's is twice as long, 24 inches to be exact. After five minutes I had everyone in our section, about 20 people, calling him Manny two foot. And...when he hit his huge jack to end the game, all 20 of them chanted "Two Foot, Two Foot" for about two minutes. This is instantly one of the greatest moments I've had in my 3 years at KJR. It ranks right up there with the Too-Short experience, the Norm Charleton stories, and beating Dave Henderson (Hendu) in a putting contest for 20 bucks. My ultimate goal is to get as far as I can in the sports world while acting the same way I would in my living room with my friends, if things like this keep happening we're going all the way.

"Two Foot, Two Foot."

Ex-Mariners Update

2007-10-05T01:11:00.000-07:00

Yorvit Torrealba- 2-3, 2 RBI
Jose Mesa- .1 IP, 1H, 3R, 3ER, 2BB, 81.01ERA
Brian Fuentes- .1 IP, 1H, 2BB, 1K

A far less impressive day two for the X-M's. The question of the day is this...why do professional baseball teams continue to let Jose Mesa pitch in the playoffs? Doesn't anyone remember the World Series that he single handedly lost in Cleveland? Doesn't anybody remember what he did as a Mariner? He is an absolute disaster of a pitcher in the post season. The Phillies are simply one more bump in the road that is Jose Mesa's mediocre playoff career.

And here are some funny things I heard about, or read regarding yesterday in playoff baseball.

1. LeBron James sat in the front row of the Indians v. Yankees game with a Yankees hat on. Not only was the game in Cleveland, LBJ's home town, but he plays for the Cavs. What a dummy. I heard they booed him. More proof that there are band wagoneers EVERYWHERE!!! But he's the King, and Cleveland is his Kingdom, he can do whatever he wants. I would have booed him though, thumbs up Cleveland.

2. I saw a sign in the Cleveland crowd that read, "Hey Wang, wong number!!" That's a good sign, the best I've seen so far in the playoffs. Again, thumbs up Cleveland.

3. Bob Melvin is one win away from the NLCS. That is high comedy, especially because he is beating Lou Piniella. Possibly the worst Mariners manager of all time is out dueling the best. Go M's.

4. Did anybody see Wang's sinker. It looked like a little league fast ball. I would have gone 2-4 with 2RBI against him. It was like T-ball. Hey Ching, your sinker doesn't sink. My advise, try the forkball.

Playoff Surprises

2007-10-03T21:58:00.000-07:00

So we are one day into the Major League Baseball playoffs, and there are a number of interesting story lines, and a few hilarious sub plots. And I have to say, as pessimistic as I was 24 hours ago about what these playoffs had in store, I am feeling the exact opposite tonight. First we'll discuss the best parts of each series, and get my ever accurate predictions.

Boston vs. The Los Angeles Angels of Disneyland-

Well, after game 1, the most interesting and fulfilling story line for me as a Mariners fan is that the Sox are gonna kick the crap out of the Angels. Nothing vindicates my hatred more than seeing our most bitter rival get blown out. The things that are going to captivate the sports world are as follows: Josh Beckett is really really good, David Ortiz took a page from Shaq's "Don't Try Until the Playoffs" book, and that while Mike Scioscia may look like Bobby Knight, he can't coach worth The General's spit. Add to that the fact that the top three coolest Dominican guys are in this series - Manny, Pappi, and Vlad - and you have a series worth paying attention to. Boston in three.

New York vs. Cleveland-

I am always interested in any series where Alex Rodriguez has a chance to further cement himself as the most un-clutch player of all time. If he chokes, the Yankees are dead in the water, and he is done as a Yankee. The real excitement though, will come from Cleveland's starting rotation, which I feel is the best in the playoffs. I'll take C.C. and Fausto over Wang and Pettite any day. Throw in a solid Jake Westbrook and a decent Paul Byrd, if it goes past game 3, and the Indians are looking pretty good. Mussina officially sucks, and Clemens is getting pretty close to joining him. And, did you know CC and Fausto went a combined 8-0 with an ERA of 2.08 in September. Conversely, the Yankees beat the Indians all six times they played this season. Go figure. A-Rod will have a monster series, but Cleveland in four.

Arizona vs. Chicago-

I have a really hard time watching this series without overheating with anger due to the fact that both of the managers used to be ours, but when I get past that, this is a great series. The things that have me most excited to watch this series, are the same things that had me excited to watch the Cubs all year, Carlos Zambrano's arm, and Carlos Zambrano's bat. I love watching this guy pitch. He over powers guys with his fastball, then makes them look very very silly with his nasty curve, all the while wearing his hat tilted slightly to the east. If that weren't enough, he batted higher than any other pitcher in baseball this year (.249, 45 points higher than Richie Sexson), and has the ability to go yard big time (12 career home runs, twice as many as Willie Bloomquist). But Zambrano isn't the only reason I love this series. The Diamond Backs are by far the youngest team in the playoffs. Guys like Chris Young, and Brandon Webb are the future of baseball, and this our first chance to see them on a national level. After game 1 though, I am a bit disappointed. The Cubs lost, and although Big Z did have a double, he looked like mid season Z, not late season Z, which is too bad. On the plus side, this means we get to see him in game five. Plus, as long as they're not playing the Mariners, I will never root against any Lou Piniella managed team. Oh yeah, Cubs in five.

Colorado vs. Philadelphia-

This is my favorite first round series by far. The way both of these teams played down the stretch to even get to the playoffs is what baseball is all about. The Phills running down the Mets in the most absurd collapse in baseball history. The Rockies not only winning 12 of their last 13, but also coming from two runs down in the bottom of the 13th in the one game playoff. Crazy!! The only bad part about this series is that one of these two teams dream season run has to come to an end. Also, I love both of these managers. Remember back in the first or second week of the season when Charlie Manual flipped out and started yelling at reporters? That was hilarious. Plus, the Rockies manager's name is Clint Hurdle. Can you think of a better name for a Colorado manager? I can't. Clint, it just makes sense. Rockies in five.

Hilarious Observations:

-The funniest thing that I have noticed so far is that Tony Clark still plays professional baseball. Remember Tony the Tiger? That guy was really good...in 1997. I didn't know he still played, let alone started. And for the youngest team by average in the playoffs too. If he wasn't on the roster, I think the average age of the D-Backs would be 16.

-The NHL season started today. Canada is happy.

-TBS is trying way too hard to secure it's place as a serious sports station. They have so many poorly informed formulas for attempting to relate to the sports world. First, we love Ernie Johnson for one reason and one reason only, because Charles Barkley tells him that he is gonna "slap the hell out of him" all the time. You can't just throw Cal Ripken and Frank Thomas on screen with him and assume we'll take to that the same way we do to Charles and Kenny. It's not that easy. Second, we like stand up comics, but don't over do it. Every other commercial was for the new Frank Caliendo show. I love Caliendo, he is hilarious. But I don't need to see all of his impressions every time somebody strikes out. Talk about blowing your load. After all of those adds, what are they gonna show on the show? Baseball? This next rant requires it's own paragraph.

Third, I said we like stand up comics. Dane Cook does not meet that standard. He is not comical. But that isn't what pisses me off about those commercials. What really makes me mad is that TBS or Dane Cook or somebody assumes that we need to be convinced of how great the baseball playoffs are. That fuck bag Dane Cook and his smug cock loving smile are not doing anything to remind me of how much I love October. And I thank the baseball gods and all that is holy in Cooperstown, that the Mariners didn't make the playoffs and we were forced to watch Dane Cook tell us why we should love our team or our sport. Look at this clip about the Cubs, http://youtube.com/watch?v=6udu1QFeCwQ. If I were a Cubs fan, I would be enroute to the Cook residence with a bunch of duck tape and a mini bat.

Listen here Dane Cook. FUCK YOU!! I don't care if you had sex with Jessica Simpson or if you like to eat cashew nuts off of your own dick, or what ever. You need to stop making these commercials. You are an insult to baseball, and sports in general. You are not funny. And there is not only one October. It happens every fucking year. There have been millions of Octobers. How can you say that the Cubs have lost for 99 straight years, and then say there is only one October? That doesn't make sense Dane. It is always October for Dane Cook, because October rhymes with Cocktober, and Dane Cook loves Cock. Fuck you Dane Cook, fuck you.

Lastly, here is a new feature I plan on having every day of the baseball playoffs. The ex-Mariner Box Score. We will track how our ex-players are playing this October.

Yorvit Torrealba- 2-4, RBI
Brian Fuentes- 1 IP, 1 K, and it was a really important strike out too.
David Ortiz- 2-3, HR, 2 RBI, R, BB
Jason Veritek- 1-3

And remember, this is just one of many Octobers. Fortunately for the Mariners, there will be others. Fuck Dane Cook.

Who Called Doc Brown?

2007-10-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

It seems like the world of sports has jumped into the Delorian and turned the clock back to about 2000 or 2001. Randy Moss has 7 TD catches through 4 games, Daunte Culpepper scored 5 TD's by himself on Sunday, and Brett Favre looks like he's 27 not 37. If not for the fact that the Mariners were in the playoffs in both '00 and '01, I would be convinced we had time warped. But alas we are home for another October to watch what seems like every ex-Mariner play on other playoff teams.

Here's a quick list of ex-M's in this year's Playoffs: Mike Timlin, Jason Varitek, David Ortiz, Ron Villone, Alex Rodriguez, Asdrubal Cabrera, Brian Fuentes, Yorvit Torrealba, Lou Piniella, Bob Melvin, Freddy Garcia, Jamey Moyer, Jose Mesa, Greg Dobbs, Randy Johnson and Jeff Cirillo.

While I admit that I am glad that most of these guys are no longer with us, this is still a long list of guys that will be busy this fall, while our team is fishing and golfing and watching football.

But let's move on from the M's to a more happy topic, the Hawks. They look good. Maybe I'm not as crazy as I looked in late August when I predicted that they would win the Super Bowl.

One more thing on the M's. I was really really wrong about that prediction....jeez, playoffs? Playoffs? Don't talk about playoffs. I won't take any crap about jinxing them though, they suck, I had nothing to do with that.

Back to the Hawks. They are one botched hand off away from being 4-0 and they looked really sharp on Sunday. Not that holding the 49er's offense to 3 points is all that impressive, especially when they had to play Trent Dilfer for most of the game, we will still give credit where credit is due. Julian Peterson is on his game, Rocky Bernard is back to his 2005 form and now that Trufant is back on the left side he is playing like he did in his rookie season. Let's look at strengths, weaknesses, and things people need to know and should shut up about.

Strengths:

-Matt Hasselbeck. His passer rating is over 100, he is completing 67% of his throws, and he is as healthy as he was 2005. All of these things lead to wins.

-Dieon Branch. For everyone who said that trading a first round draft pick for him was a bad idea, how does that crow taste? He is perfect for our offense. We throw slants and outs. We are a dip and dunk offense, and he is the perfect short pass, slot receiver. He's gonna catch 85 passes, and 10 TD's. And above all, he seems to be high less than 75% of the time, which gives him a huge edge over Darrell Jackson.

-The Defense. Lofa Tatupu, Julian Peterson and Leroy Hill are quite possibly the best linebacking core in the NFC. We actually have safety's (Russel and Grant) who know how to tackle and catch and they have yet to let any receiver get behind them all year. The only weakness is the Jennings/Wilson corner platoon. They are undersized, but they are both very fast and very athletic, and if our only defensive weakness is one corner, I am happy.

Weaknesses:

-Shaun Alexander, and his inability to run. Although our O Line isn't what it was in 2005, it is vastly better than it was in 2006, if not only because Walter Jones is actually healthy. That said, Shaun Alexander sucks. He hits the hole about as hard as an 8 year old girl hits a soft ball. He dances and tip toes and waits for the play to develop, then he takes three steps and falls before the contact.

-Shaun Alexander, and his inability to catch. He has a broken hand, so his already terrible receiving skills are now even worse. With two healthy hands he couldn't catch a cold in Alaska, now he's a paraplegic in the middle of a lake. He's dead, and he will be our downfall.

-Shaun Alexander, and his inability to block. Why not just put in a wet paper bag on passing plays, at least that way maybe the defense will slip on it or something. My advise to Shaun is to move to Spain, become a matador because that is how he blocks, buy a villa in the hills and make olive oil. Olay!!

Things people need to shut up about:

-Our Scoring. We don't have a big play offense, so accordingly we are not going to score 40 points a game. We play a very conservative version of the west coast that thrives on time of possession, running, and accurate passing. That said, when we win we will have the ball for two thirds of the game, and we will only score 20-30 points. But...we will win most of the time if we execute the offense correctly. So far so good, so shut up.

-Josh Brown. Franchising a kicker is, in most cases, unacceptable. But when your kicker won four games in the previous season on last second kicks, franchising him is a totally defensible action. Josh Brown is good. He is consistent. And above all he is clutch. There is no substitute for a franchise with a cold blooded kicker. Thus we franchised our cold blooded kicker.

Podcast # 1, Fantasy Football with Ben Steitzer

2007-09-22T01:45:00.000-07:00

www.propadatafilms.com/podcasts/andy/podcastTest.xml

The Road to the BigTime has taken a small step for man, but a giant leap for Bunktown. I hope you enjoy my first podcast, it is very bad. Next week the production value will be much higher, I promise. For now, enjoy the content, Ben is funny. Just copy and paste the url to your navigator. It will send you to the podcast. I hope you like it.

Haitian Voodoo Rattle!?!

2007-09-20T19:28:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while an announcer will lose his mind and act like he's at home watching the game with his friends. I always appreciate this for a few reasons: it means the announcer really loves the game, it is exactly what I would do if I were an announcer, and it is always hilarious. Over the years I have seen and been told of loads of great announcer slip ups, some I've seen live, some I've YouTubed, but until yesterday I'd never seen one this ridiculous. Before I get into my frog like dissection of this call, let me share with you some of my all time favorites.

The Band is on the Field- We've all seen this one. Often referred to as "the Game". The fact that the band was on the field was indeed crazy, but the announcer went nuts. I couldn't find the long clip, but in this one you get the picture. http://youtube.com/watch?v=WgZvkB_i0xc

That's Kinda Gay- This is one of the all time greats. It's a classic case of an announcer forgetting that he isn't in his living room with his buddies. http://youtube.com/watch?v=fXm5vTTTSzk

Appalachian State vs. Michigan- This is a great example of a commentator who decided that the game was so important that he'd forget the fact that he is supposed to give an objective account of the game. The guy is a fan, you can't fault him for that, still funny though.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=q5JPeJnRi6s

Howie Long- This is one of the best kinds of announcer mistakes. Whenever you deviate from the script you are bound to throw the rest of your crew off, but sometimes you just get tired of Joe Buck. And that is exactly what Howie Long did here. The best part is when Joe Buck asks him, "What are you doing?" http://youtube.com/watch?v=bhmhK5gEtf4

Plano East vs. John Tyler Texas State Final- Until today, this was my all time favorite clip of an announcer going totally unprofessional and bat shit over a game. This clip has it all because the game is amazing. The comeback is a thing of legend, but the behavior of the hilarious Texans calling the game is even better. At one point the color commentator says that he, "wet his britches." They break every rule of broadcasting in this four minute clip. http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZHkABO0VwCg

AND NOW....THE GRAND CALL.

Watch it first. Then read my annalysis, then listen again. It only gets better with time.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=IYkdPxRwPVA

In order for a call to achieve maximum points for hilarity, it's important that the play that is being described is great. In this case, Ronaldinho delivers. This goal is absolutely amazing, and without a doubt one of the best goals I've in a long time. That said, I think the announcer may have engaged in a little unwarranted hyperbole. (Shout out to Dan) Let's go call by call, and I'll explain why I love this call so much.

Before the goal even happens, there are hints of insanity in the announcers voice. As they are passing the ball around you can tell that he is the type of announcer who over reacts to even the most common of actions. Any play caller who refers to a team as "in top form" or "sintillating" is clearly looking to over dramatize the game. If you listen carefully you can hear him gasping with excitement at every touch of the ball leading up to the goal. This is great because it means that he is real fan and that this is more than just a job to him. But that doesn't mean he isn't crazy.

What I really want to know is what he is doing for the 10 seconds following the goal, when he allows his partner to describe Ronaldinho's magic. Traditional journalism would say he was acting professionally and waiting his turn to talk, but we know that isn't true because nothing this guy does following the pause falls into the category of Journalistic professionalism. My guess is that he was changing his "wet britches", no no, his wet knickers.

Then comes the call. And quite a call it was. He starts it off with an attention getting, semi clever comparison to the shock that is caused by a dryer in a bath tub. I liked that call. Clearly he had thought of it long before hand, and it was totally contrived, but nevertheless it was pretty funny. Then he decides to play one close to the vest and call the play "breathtaking." At first listen, I was a little thrown off my such a cliche, but when you realize what he follows it up with, it becomes obvious that he was pacing himself, as not to cause massive corrolary damage. The next call is bind blowing. A perfect mix of comedy, insensitivity, political incorrectness, and down right absurdity. I don't even know what it means, but for the rest of my life a great play will be known as "putting the Haitian Voodoo Rattle" on it.

He continues to run off what seems like every call he has ever come up with for the next 30 seconds, then the call takes an even funnier turn. After he is done spewing all of his hyperbolic nonsense, the camera pans to the crown reaction. He has clearly thrown all of his common sense to the wind at this point, and when the camera fixes on a young blond kid going nuts for Ol' Ronnie, he takes a shot at the kid. "And little blondie says, 'I wanna be like him,' I doubt it very much." Why would such a great goal make you want to degrade a kid, this guy is clearly bat shit insane.

The final minute of the call is more of a calm after the storm sort of vibe. Less screaming, less words, but still the excessive descriptions and comparisons. He calls him the soccer Jesus, then recoils into a post orgasmic ball. The only thing that sucks about this is that he can never call another game. He blew his entire collection of calls in a two minute period, sprinkled in with a little kid bashing and blasphemy, and his career is over. Never the less this is my favorite call of all time. With that said, I'm putting the Haitian Voodoo Rattle on this article.

The Athlete Pyramid

2007-09-12T18:23:00.000-07:00

I figure that since I've been slacking so badly on my duties as a blogger, I'd better dip into my vault of failsafe blog topics to attempt to redeem myself. I promise that I haven't just been sitting on my thumbs and doing nothing, there are a number of updates in the works, I am simply attempting to make "Road to the BigTime" more exciting. While I am confidant that my witty ramblings on Seattle's sports scene are plenty to quench the thirst of my loyal readers, I feel obligated to offer more. So stay tuned for a couple of new additions to the blog. In the mean time, let's discuss a topic that I find myself in the middle of at least once a week. As I generally do when I am attempting to impress or apologize, and since this blog is dedicated to doing both, I will be creating a list. But this list will be slightly different from some of the others that I've done. The traditional Top-10 style doesn't work in this case, so I will be enlisting the Athlete Pyramid. The format will resemble the food pyramid that our 4th Grade P.E. teachers lived and died by. The bottom has the most space, 6-10 spots reserved for athletes who deserve to be mentioned as great, but not the greatest we've ever seen. The next level is the fruit and vegetable group, 4-7 spots for athletes who's athleticism maybe deserving of a top spot, but who played sports that were less physically and athletically demanding. The next level is the meat and cheese group, 3-5 spots for the athletes who are truly great and are nearly the greatest. And then there is the top level, reserved for the sweetest, greatest most amazing athletes of this generation. There are no number restrictions when it comes to the top group, but as our P.E. teachers told us a thousand times, "Make sure you use them sparingly."

A few caveats before I unveil the pyramid. First, this is a measurement of athleticism, not of leadership, or character, or championships, we'll leave all that to other lists and focus this effort on physical greatness. Second, I am only 22: I haven't seen all that many athletes. This is a list of this generation, so hold off on the "what about Jim Brown or Babe Ruth or Willie Mays" questions. And last, calling golf, tennis, soccer and cycling the "fruit group" is funny, so chill out.

The Athlete Pyramid

Grain but not Greatest:

Mike Vick- Michael very likely would have been on a higher level had he given himself the chance to evolve for a couple more seasons, but instead of juking corner backs and shaking defensive ends, he'll spend the tail end of his prime in prison watching his back and guarding his end. Too bad.

Ronaldinho- Clearly not the best soccer player of all time, and in my opinion not even the best player of his generation, Ronaldinho has still been able to balance the rare combination of over the top flair and sound fundamentals into one of the most exciting packages in sports. The best part about watching this guy is that you never know what he's going to do next. But unlike Jason "White Chocolate" Williams or other guys who choose to be excessive in their actions, he is generally successful with his tricks. And while his flashiness made him famous, his skills make him great. You don't win back to back FIFA World Player of the Year Awards for no look passes and bicycle kicks, you need some substance too, of which he has plenty. And listen to this British announcer blow him down after this great goal. Granted, it is an amazing goal, but this guy goes nuts. Listen up, I think he says Haitian Voodoo rattle. http://youtube.com/watch?v=IYkdPxRwPVA.

Barry Bonds- Barry makes the pyramid not because he hit 756, and holds nearly ever offensive record in baseball history. In fact, his last five seasons, in my opinion, may have dropped him from a higher level on the pyramid. Remember back to the 90's: Before 756, before 73, before BALCO. Back when Barry was the first 40/40 guy NOT on steroids. Remember the 10 gold gloves he won. Remember that he was the only guy even close to being in Griffey's league. That alone earns him his spot on the pyramid. The guy was great, and even though he has spent the last 6 years cheating, lying and marring baseball's record books with asterisks' and suspicion, he deserves his due. We'll reserve the bottom left corner of the pyramid for Barry and Vick, they can keep each other company.

Peyton Manning- I have a major problem putting a pocket passer on the level with all of these super athletes, but Peyton deserves his props. He may not run a 4.3 or be able to dunk, but if you throw 50 TD's in a season you have a lot of talent. All of the athleticism in his body somehow found it's way into his right arm, but that arm is enough to earn him a spot in the pyramid. Let's just say that if we were playing a giant game of capture the flag with all the guys on the pyramid, Mia Hamm and Annika Sorenstam included, I'd pick Peyton last.

Randy Moss- Straight cash homie. There is no question as to why Moss makes this list. Two time West Virginia High School basketball player of the year on a team with future NBA starter Jason "White Chocolate" Williams (how did he get two shout outs in a piece on super athletes?), as well as all of the football accolades, Randy Moss is a freak. A super-freak to be exact. If he keeps up what he did in his first game as a Patriot, he'll be on one of the top levels of the pyramid by the time he retires. And I know that is what he's shooting for.

Shawn Kemp- His sperm should be on this list too. Don't be surprised when the entire 2016 Olympic swim team is a bunch of black guys named Kemp. He was a pretty amazing basketball player too. His athleticism only gets better with time also, because everyone forgets what a specimen he was. He only had about 7 good years, all in Seattle which is considered Southern Alaska by most of the national sports media. Every time "Best Damn" has a dunk list, every one freaks out over Shawn like they didn't see him in his prime. Had he played in New York or Boston, he'd be revered as one of the most amazing athletes ever. But he didn't, so my pyramid will have to be his patsy prize.

Reggie Bush- This is a guy who should, barring injury, be on the top level of this pyramid by the end of his career. He has everything Barry Sanders had, with a little more size, a team that doesn't play on astroturf, and a much better city to play in. Any body who can do a front flip into a sommersalt from the five yard line while running faster than 99.9% of the human population is a god. The best part about Reggie is that he's 22. We get to see at least 7 years of this guy tearing it up. I'll make sure to leave some room for Reggie atop this list.

Nate Robinson- A bit of a homer pick, but I have arguments. Anybody who can play two sports at a division 1 college is a freak. Especially if you aren't playing QB and pitcher. Nate was a starting DB as a freshmen, and quit football to become the starting shooting guard as sophomore. He still holds the WA State record for 100 meter hurdles, which is impressive, but when you realize that the hurdles are more than half as tall as he is, it is down right shocking. Plus he won the NBA dunk contest. He may never be a great basketball player, but as far as athletes go, he's in a rare class.

Dieon Sanders- Another two sport star, but this time it was two professional sports. Arguably the greatest cover corner of all time, and a certain NFL hall or famer, Dieon also batted over .300 four times in his pro baseball career. Prime Time led the league in interceptions three times, and it would have been more but teams avoided throwing to his side of the field. Plus, I'm a sucker for any person who sported a jerry curl in the early 90's.

Roy Jones Jr.- The guy won championships in four different weight classes. He held seven different titles (WBC, WBA, IBF, WBF, IBO, NBA and IBA) at one time, something no one else had ever done. In my opinion he is the greatest pound for pound fighter of all time. He won a silver medal at the 1988 Olympics, and by all accounts got robbed for the gold. Plus, he is on Team Jordan, which means that he is MJ's favorite boxer, and that is good enough for me.

Fruits and Vegetables:

Tiger Woods- Arguments can be made for Tiger being one of the greatest all around athletes of all time when you take into account all the things that he's done in his career: wins, dominance, money, majors, etc. My rebuttal: He's a golfer. He could win every golf match by 100 strokes, which he almost does, and I still wouldn't put him in the highest level of athletes. That is what this level of the pyramid is reserved for, athletes that are undoubtedly great, but play sports that require less athleticism. True, Tiger maybe a great athlete, but when you play a sport where guys like Phil Mickelson and John Daly win regularly, physical dominance isn't all that impressive. That said, Tiger is looking more and more like a linebacker, and if he continues to get bigger, we may have to rethink his spot in the pyramid. For now, he's the king of the fruits.

Roger Federer- If Tiger is the King, does that make Federer queen of the fruits? If you've seen the Gilette commercials, the answer to that question maybe yes. All kidding aside, he is the greatest tennis player I've ever seen. He has already won 11 grand slams, 3 away from Sampras' record, including 5 straight Wimbledon tournaments. It's hard for me to root for a Swiss guy who spends $800 for haircuts and wears a head band, but his greatness is undeniable. Plus, he continues to kill Andy Roddick, which is enough for me to love him.

Pete Sampras- I'm just going to come right out and say it, I love Pete Sampras. I used to love spending the first few weeks of my summer vacation as a kid watching Pete dominate Wimbledon. He has the most all time grand slams wins. He led the US team to the Davis Cup in 1994. And like Federer kills Roddick, Pete used to kill Agasi. And unlike Federer, Pete is American. In some sports I could care less what nationality the athlete is, tennis is not one of those sports. I only root for American tennis players. To be more specific, I only root for American tennis players named Pete Sampras, Serena and Venus Williams, and James Blake. But, like golf, tennis isn't as athletically challenging as other sports, so while I love Pete, he belongs in the fruits and vegetables category.

Lance Armstrong- Seven straight Tour de France titles. That's all that needs to be said. I'll admit that I don't know all that much about cycling, but riding a bike is hard. Especially when it's 100 degrees outside and your at 5,500 feet, and there are about a hundred angry Frenchmen chasing you. French people hate Lance more than they hate George Bush. And any time you can piss off a bunch of punk ass Frenchies, without bombing the middle east, it's a good day.

Mia Hamm- She is the greatest female soccer player to ever live. She is the all time goal scorer in international soccer history, male or female. And, she's married to NOMAAAAAHHH. Here is an admission that I thought I'd never fess up to. Let it be said that I am only admitting this to prove how much I respect Mia Hamm. I enjoyed watching the 1999 US Women's World Cup team more than I've ever enjoyed watching any other soccer team ever. They are one of my favorite teams of all time. Mia Hamm and the rest of that team were so exciting to watch that I actually skipped a little league baseball game to watch the final game versus China. Well, now that everybody knows that I'd better start making the blog more female friendly, because I just lost my male readers.

Annika Sorenstam- Well since no guys are reading anymore, let's talk about another great female athlete. All jokes aside, Annika Sorenstam is the Tiger Woods of womens golf. Or should I say, Tiger Woods is the Annika Sorenstam of men's golf. Either way, she is great. She's the all time wins leader, the all times major championships leader, and she has even made the cut in a few mens tournaments. She is the greatest women's golfer of all time, and anybody who is the greatest of all time their sport, and is a member of my generation in sports, is going to make the pyramid.

Meat and Cheese:

Ken Griffey Jr.- Like all of the members of the fruits and vegetables group, Griffey is the best player of his generation, but unlike them he plays a top tier sport. I consider myself lucky to have been a Mariners fan in the 90's because although I had to endure year after year of pathetic losing, I got to witness first had the greatness of "The Kid". He was the youngest player to hit 300 home runs and two years later, he was the youngest to 400. He won 10 consecutive Gold Gloves, and he was elected to 14 straight all-star games. Had he not been plagued by injuries in his time with the Reds, we'd be celebrating the breaking of Hank Aaron's 755 with Griffey, instead of loathing the mere mentions of Barry Bonds. (Is he dead by the way? I haven't heard Bonds talked about once since he broke th record.)

LDT- I'm gonna let it slide that it is LDT's personal fault that I lost to Ben Steitzer in fantasy football last week, because he is the best athlete to play in the NFL since Barry Sanders. LaDanian Tomlinson throws, runs and catches at least 30 TD's a year. It's a joke. He stiff armed the Denver Broncos safety's head off last year, broke the NFL record for TD's, and said Bill Belichek is a cheater. He could eventually be considered the greatest player in NFL history, for now he's on the second highest tier.

Kobe Bryant- 81. That's all I need to say. But I'll say more. He is a freak. He reverse dunks on guys heads for no reason. He's dunked on Yao, Shaun Bradley, Dikembe Mutombo, and every other 7'+ center alive. He has that rare desire to humiliate every one he plays against, and he often does just that. Whether you love him or hate him, there is no questioning his greatness.

Zinadine Zidane- Who? Oh yeah...that head butt guy. I am pretty sure that is going to be at least 90% of the people who read the blog's response to this selection. But please, allow me to explain. Zidane is the best player of his generation, and one of the top three best soccer players of all time, and had he not head butted that Italian Materazzi arguments for his being the best ever would already have started. He made two separate World Cup finals with France. He was the FIFA world player of the year twice. And he scored this goal, http://youtube.com/watch?v=GmN8zp5QDSI&mode=related&search=, which is good enough by itself to make at least the bottom level of the pyramid.

LeBron James- It's HUGE!! And in case you haven't heard, it's growing. In the past six months he has become exactly what we all wanted him to be. The 48 point game against the Pistons. The entire Olympic qualifying tourney. The ESPY's. All gold. This guy had more hype the movie "Godzilla", and unlike that piece of crap, he has lived up to it. Although it makes me sad to do this, you have to remember that he graduated high school in the 2003. That is the same year as me. Look what he's done in the past 4 years. Although, as far as I know he doesn't have a hilarious sports blog. Booya LeBron!! Also, he could play tight end for any team in the NFL and make the Pro Bowl.

Greatest:

Michael Jordan- I'm not going to waste your time explaining this one. We've all seen and heard everything there is to see and hear. If the average athlete is "Space Jam", Michael Jordan is "The Godfather."

Barry Sanders- YouTube this guy, and then try to tell me he isn't top five of all time. He was 5'8", 185 pounds, and played on very mediocre teams his whole career. Had the Lions not screwed him out of his money, he would hold every rushing record there is. He was everything that Reggie Bush, LDT and Mike Vick are, plus he had really cool shoes. (Remember the Nike's with the strap and the blue and black stripes...hella hard)

Bo Jackson- Another two sport star, but in this case we have a guy who was hall of fame caliber in both sports. Any body who can hit a baseball 500 feet, and run Brian Bosworth smooth over on Monday Night Football with in a month of each other is an all time great. Had he not had the hip injuries he'd be a first ballot Canton selection. And speaking of great shoes. The neon orange ones with the air bubble...great. Just look at the tapes of him at Auburn if you have any doubts about this guys abilities. He was a freight train that moved like a Ferrari.

Lawrence Taylor- He revolutionized football. A player who was as fast as a safety, but as strong as a lineman, who could catch like a wide receiver and hit like a tidal wave. Just as Joe Thiesman what his hits felt like. No one had ever seen a play like LT before. And without him we don't have Ray Lewis or Shaun Merriman or Brian Urlacher. Plus, he snorted coke of a strippers boob in "Any Given Sunday." LaDanian Tomlinson is one of the greatest athletes to ever live, but the fact that Lawrence Taylor existed means you can't call him LT. There is one, and only one LT.

So there's the pyramid.

The NASCAR Evolution

2007-08-29T23:35:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gone into a situation with a very strict set of expectations, only to be so blown away by how wrong you were that you could hardly believe you ever felt the way you had in the first place? For example: your girlfriend is taking you to Thanksgiving to meet her family for the first time, and she warns you that her dad is a member of the NRA and her brothers are "protective", but by the end of dinner you're giving Fantasy Football advise and her dad is calling you "son". Well, that is exactly what happened to me today...so to speak. KJR had a live broadcast from the Skagit Motor Speedway today, little did I know I was in for the experience of a life time. Here is the story of how I transformed from a bonafide NASCAR hater to a member of the Number Nine Nation.

In order to understand how little I cared about NASCAR, here is a scale of interest by which to measure my apathy. I present the "Andy Bunker Scale of Intrigue". (10 being the best)

1- How many carbs are in this sandwich?
2- Are Brad and Angelina adopting again?
3- Did the Storm win?
4- Is this my drink?
5- How am I getting home?
6- Ben Steitzer getting his drivers licence
7- Barack or Hilary
8- Is Sportscenter on?
9- Friends/Family
10- Mariners in the World Series

NASCAR fell somewhere in between Brangelina and the Storm. I didn't hate it, I simply didn't care. I was amused by the side stories: Dale Jr. and his crazy step mom, every one hating Jeff Gordon, the wife on wife fist fight that broke out during a race between two drivers wives, etc. But as far as the sport itself, I'd rather have gone shopping with my girlfriend. My NASCAR interest level was firmly set at 2.5: Indifferent Non-observer.

In order to get to the Skagit Motor Speedway, you have to drive for nearly two hours north of Seattle on I-5. The outlook of the trip was pretty bright, due to the fact that we were driving up with the radio host (Ian Furness) and the Mariners game was on the radio. But an hour into the trip, the M's were down 3-1 and the mood was very sour at the prospect of being swept by the Angels at home, in the biggest series we've had in 5 years. It seemed that nothing was going to be able to pull us out of the funk that the Mariners had dropped on us. It was like a reverse "Funk Blast". Just then, a pickup truck, that was raised about three feet higher than normal, whizzed past us as the driver honked and pumped his fist. On the rear window was a Number Nine sticker (Kasey Kahne's car number) and a sign that read, "Show me your tits!" Before we were done laughing at the guy, another truck passed us, the driver looked like a carbon copy of the first, giving us a thumbs up and sporting a "TAILGATER'S BEWARE: Driver Chews Tobacco" bumper sticker. By the time we passed Everett, it was an all out drag race. Trucks left and right covered in NASCAR gear, and not so clever bumper stickers. It was clear that we were not the only ones headed to the SMSW. Based mainly on the bumper stickers my NASCAR interest level had risen ever so slightly to a 3.3: Sarcastic enthusiasm.

After an hour and forty-five minutes of driving, the M's were down 5-2 and we had reached our exit. The only sign of life off of the exit was the Skagit Valley Gas Station and a sign that read, "Skagit Motor Speedway: 2 miles". We followed the Mapquest directions along a windy road, deep into the hills of Skagit county, and just as we were beginning to wonder if we were lost we came upon a sight that I can only describe as an oasis. Just as you crest the hill, the trees break and the vast opening gives way to trailers and trucks and RVs as far as the eye can see. Full family sized campers covered in orange and black Tony Stewart logos. Peoples' cars painted and stickered to look just like Kasey Kahne's number 9 car. And more unbelievable bumper stickers than I could ever imagine. For the first time in my life I knew why John Melencamp wrote "This is Our Country". NASCAR interest level, 4.2: Skeptical Amazement.

We set up our broadcast tent behind the main grandstand. As I was pulling the tent out, getting ready to raise it to an upright position, a twangy voice shouted into my ear, "How big is that thing?" Before I could turn around to greet the shouting man, another voice chimed in with his estimation, "I bet that thing is a 10, maybe a 20...dang, I never seen a 20 before." I quickly realized they were discussing the size of our tent, and being that I am very familiar with it, I responded, "It is 10 by 15." This was earth shattering news to Jim and George, two brothers from Mt. Vernon. "I didn't know they was making 15's," Jim marveled. "We need to get us one of them. Is it sturdy?" Not five minutes into my stay at the SMSW, and I was facilitating an full on tent forum. "Yeah, it's pretty nice. This one is couple of years old, but it still works well." I couldn't tell if they were amazed by the fact that it had held up for so long, or that 15's had been out for two full years and they hadn't heard, but they were both shocked. "We got to get us one of them," George giddily chuckled, breaking the silence, and they were off to find seats. Welcome to the Skagit Motor Speedway. NASCAR interest level, still 4.2. Tent interest level, 10.

Over the past three years of working for KJR, I have become a master at creating games to pass the time while the radio host is on the air, and I have next to nothing to do. The game I came up with today was my finest ever. From our position behind the grandstand we were in direct sight of the front gates, and the line to get in had become something of a swarming heard of tank tops and jean shorts. In order to get into the seating area, everyone had to pass directly in front of our table, perfect promotional positioning, but also perfect positioning for people watching. The game was Mullets vs. Fu Man Chews. I had mullets, Brad the intern had Man Chews, we kept a running count of each, and the winner got a Coke. When Ian Furness got wind of the contest, he took it to the air waves. Giving updates at the top and bottom of every hour. Listeners were calling in asking what the count was. One guy showed up at the SMSW and told us that he and his dad were driving, and nearly drove off the road with laughter when they heard what we were counting. The final count was ,

46 mullets,

and 62 Fu Man Chews,

Brad won the Coke. But in the long run, everyone was a winner. NASCAR interest level, 5.5: Blossoming Wonder.

As the afternoon wore on, we had the chance to talk to a number different people about why they like racing so much. And to be honest the enthusiasm that these fans were showing was a lot more intense than anything I've ever seen at Safeco. There was a line as long as a football field outside of Kasey Kahne's trailer for autographs. And the gear these fans were sporting was out of this world.

Tony Stewart's number 20 car, doubling as a hilarious hat.

Number 20 ear muffs. Tony Stewart protects people from premature deafness.

NASCAR interest level, 6.5: Genuine Excitement.

At this point the broadcast was nearly over, but the mullet and fu man chew counting was no longer the only thing that was making the time pass. I could feel the buzz, and I was honestly excited for the races to get going. The Mariners had officially been swept, but I didn't care. I wanted to see Tony Stewart and Kasey Kahne race. My interest was teetering on the fence that separates what I had always believed, and a world which I was totally unfamiliar with. And when the drivers started the engines, and I felt the earth rumble, I fell off the fence and landed firmly on the NASCAR side. The deal had been sealed. I was a NASCAR fan. NASCAR interest level, 7.5: I care.

On the drive back to Seattle I came back to earth a little bit. The anger of the Mariners sweep began to sink in a little more, but the overwhelming feeling of the day was still utter amazement that I had fallen for NASCAR. I feel like I hooked up with a girl that I never found attractive, but now all I can think about is whether or not she'll call. We'll see what happens from here. I know that I'll be watching when Tony Stewart tries to catch that bastard Jeff Gordon this weekend at the NNCS at the California Speedway. From there we'll see, maybe I'll have to revise the "Scale of Intrigue" to accommodate a new priority.

Losers of the Week

2007-08-22T22:12:00.000-07:00

I'm a little disappointed that no one has taken any shots at me for some of the predictions I made. I thought at least a couple of you guys might have taken some sort of issue with a few of the things that I said. But, I guess not. I guess we all agree that the Hawks are Super Bowl bound. And that the Mariners are a lock to hold off the Yankees. I thought you all were a little more opinionated than this, but I was wrong about that, which is apparently the only thing I've been wrong about all week. Aside from your silence, we have had a pretty eventful week. And as always, we've had our fair share of heroes, and an even greater number of losers.

Losers of the Week

Tiger Woods and Roger Federer-
These two guys have been suspect for a while now. Showing up at each others tournaments, doing interviews as a duo, and talking longingly about how much respect they have for one another. On the surface, these things could appear to be mere admiration shown by a couple of guys who are experiencing similar success. And until yesterday, that is how I chose to justify their overly friendly behavior. Then I saw the new Gilette commercial. I'm not sure if anyone else has seen it, but to summarize it's basically Tiger and Roger, shaving and shirtless, staring intensely into the camera for 30 seconds. Pretty bad. But the deal breaker comes at the end when Federer playfully pinches Tiger's cheek, and Tiger bashfully grins and giggles to himself. Enough!! The two most dominant athletes in the world right now have a schoolyard crush on each other. I'd be a little worried if I were Elin.

Rory Sabbatini-
Once again, Rory decided he'd rather choke than sack up and win a tournament. Only this time he did with out shriveling in fear of Tiger He shriveled in fear of Steve Stricker instead. Steve Stricker? Yep, the 44 year old who hadn't won a tourney since 2001. Rory seems to find new ways to fail also. This week he bogeyed three of the first four holes on the back nine, affectively killing any chance he had, all while wearing pants that were three sizes too small. He is dangerously close to joining Phil and Sergio on the "All Choke Team".

Heroes of the Week

Texas Rangers-
Scoring 30 runs in one nine inning baseball game is pretty amazing, but to put it into perspective here are some numbers.
-Before winning the game 30-3, they were actually losing 3-0 in the bottom of the third.
-They scored 30 runs in the game, but they only actually scored in four innings: 5 in the fifth, 10 in the seventh, 9 in the eighth, and 6 in the ninth.
-In the eight games prior to the 30 run game, they only scored 28 runs combined.
-In the game they beat the Baltimore Orioles. The Baltimore Ravens (NFL Team) didn't score 30 points in any game last season.
-The 30 run game was game one of a double header that day. They scored 9 in game two, totaling 39 runs for the day, breaking the previous one day scoring record by 10 runs.

Greg Nickles and the Seattle City Council-
In the wake of the comments from the new Sonics ownership, the city is taking steps to pass a law that will hold the team to their lease at the Key Arena. If the law passes the Sonics are guaranteed to be in Seattle until 2010. That should give Kevin Durant plenty of time convince a few Bellevue billionaires that a new arena is a good idea.

David Stern-
It doesn't matter now busy this guy gets, he will not miss the chance to make a buck. While he, and every PR person the NBA has ever heard of, is dealing with the Tim Donaghy fiasco, he still found the time to fine Aubrey McClendon $250K. The only negative I can possibly see coming out of this situation would be if McClendon decided to shut up. But I'm pretty sure he won't. In his crazy cowboy mind this is probably some sort of challenge. I wouldn't be surprised if he shows up at high noon with his six shooters, and tells David Stern it's time for a "showdown". This is what happens when you allow people to buy NBA franchises with gold that they hijacked from a moving train.

David Chernicoff-
Last week I wrote about Horacio Ramirez by using the mildly comical nickname, Horablio. While that name is pretty funny, David corrected me. We will no longer refer to him as either Horacio or Horablio, from now on it is Fallacio. Get it, because he sucks. Fallacio Ramirez. Excellent work Chern. You are my hero. Maybe we should shave with Gilette razors and pinch each others cheeks.

Predicaments and Predictions

2007-08-22T16:22:00.000-07:00

As the summer sadly slips away, we need to remember that with fall comes a great time of the year for sports. Pennant races and baseball playoffs, college and pro football, I make another run at fantasy football dominance, the FedEx Cup in golf giving us another month and a half of meaningful Tiger watching, EPL soccer is back after a long summer, Team USA Basketball tries to prove it is worthy of the Olympics, and above all Franklin Boys Golf makes another run at a state championship...or at least a run at two wins. With all this fun on the horizon, what kind of sports buff would I be if I didn't attempt to tell you exactly how all of these events will turn out.

But before I get into profit mode, I have to set aside all of my loyalties and home town biases to make a fair and accurate attempt at predicting the entire Autumn in sports. Here are the main predicaments that I face:

1. Last night, as I was flipping through my collection of VHS tapes trying to find a way to spend a quiet night at home, I stumbled accross my copy of the tape "My Oh My!" The movie that tells the story of the 1995 Seattle Mariners. Let's just say it was a quiet night ruined. All the jaded skepticism that has built up over the past 15 years of being a Seattle Sports fan, was magically washed away. I felt like Will Smith came to my house in a black suit and erased all my Mariner memories with that flashy thing from "Men in Black." Before I was ten minutes into the tape, I had risen from my reclined position on my couch, and I was standing in the middle of my living room with my mit and a tennis ball playing catch against my wall, yelling "Refuse to Lose" with a rally cap on. Before the movie was over, I was already convincing myself that this years team has all the makings for a 95'esque run. So, there's my predicament. "My Oh My" has convinced me that anything is possible, and overcoming this will be a challenge when attempting to accurately predict the pennant race.

2. I listened to Elise Woodward's interview with Dick Beard on Monday night, and he convinced me that this years Huskie team, "has a lot of spunk." I don't know if you've heard Dick Beard on the air before, but I am pretty sure that his prediction record is the exact same as the Huskies record for the past 10 seasons. He never thinks they can lose. And he is always convincing. They could be playing the '77 Dolphins and he'd give some crazy reason why ,"you shouldn't count them out." Thanks to Dick Beard I am a believer.

3. I am a lot busier than I have been for the past couple of falls, so my Fantasy Football prowise maybe coming to an end. It is widely known that in order to win any fantasy football league worth its entry fee, you have to be willing to effectively shut off your social life as you know it for three months. Nobody wins a good league simpy by having a good draft, or a good pick up or two. You have to dedicate yourself to the fact that you are the biggest stats nerd in the league, and further more you have to accept that you will not be getting laid at all until the season is over. Knowing that Donald Driver has been in the top three in recieving yards in each of the past three seasons, or that Ladell Betts was in the top 10 in rushing yard last season in only nine starts, has never gotten any body laid, ever. Many a man has had to face the fact that if they want to win their league, it maybe at the expense of their relationship. I don't think I'm ready for that.

4. Franklin Boys Golf. That's the predicament. Franklin Boys Golf. In a conversation I had the other day with one of my three returning Varsity Starters, who goes to U Prep and plays for us via a weird Kingco zoning rule by the way, we realized that there are actually only two "good" golfers at Franklin. He said, "I'm good, but I go to U Prep. Aside from Edgar and Brandon, Franklin has zero goflers." So there's the problem. No need to delve any deeper. This predicament, while hurting the team, may actually help my prediction. Sad.

With all that out in the open, here are the Fall Predictions.

The Pennant Race and the Baseball Playoffs-

While I was deeply inspired by my recent viewing of "My Oh My", it is important to note some of the main differences between the '95 team and this Mariners team. Namely: Ken Griffey Jr., Edgar Martinez, Tino Martinez, Jay Buhner and Randy Johnson. But before I fall into the trap that every Seattle fan seems to fall into, you gotta to remember that the '95 team has no bearing on this years team. We don't have any of those guys anymore, nor do have to play against them, so let's stop talking about them. That said, I think we have a shot at both the division and the wild card. Here's why. Our fate is in our own hands, and so far this year we've taken advantage of that. We took two of three from the Angels last month, and we've taken four out of seven from the Yankees this year. With seven remaining games versus the Angels, three here and four there, and a huge three game series at the beginning of September in the Bronx, it's up to us to make it happen. Plus 14 of our final 21 games are at home where we are 17 games over .500, including the final seven. And we have a combined winning record against the final five teams we play. The prediction is as follows: The Angels will win the West, the Indians will win the Central, The Red Sox will win the East, and the M's will make the Wild Card.

Huskies Football-

The Dawgs are facing the hardest opening seven games in recent history. And even Dick Beard can't argue against that. It is totally possible that they could start the year 0-7, but they won't. You can't underestimate the difficulty of traveling 3000 miles to play your first game of the season. Not to mention that Syracuse has a senior Quarterback, and it's leading receiver and rusher back from last season. This game is gonna be tough. I think it will be very telling of the season as a whole. We will find out a lot about the team in this game. What do I think will happen? I think they're gonna win. I think they'll win five games this year (Syracuse, Arizona St., Arizona, Stanford, and Wazzu). Call me a pessimist, but it's a tough schedule. Six ranked teams, and eight teams that could be ranked by the end of the year. We'll be solid next year though. Sorry Dick.

Seahawks Football-

I think that getting rid of Darrel Jackson and Jeremy "How dumb are you" Stevens will be the best thing this team has done since letting Jerry Rice wear #80. Shaun Alexander has something to prove, Deion Branch will be used correctly, DJ Hackett is going to be a nice surprise and make a lot of fantasy owners very happy, and as long as the O line stays healthy, this could be our year. The O line is a big "if" though. With last years team being a veritable game of injured musical chairs, health will be the deal breaker this season. In a season where we had at least two different players start at 10 of the 11 offensive positions, and we were still one play away from the NFC Championship game, there is no reason we can't be back in the Super Bowl this year. And we will be. Here's the prediction. This is our year. Quote me, "the Seahawks will win Super Bowl 42." By the way, I have no idea who Randy Moss is, or who he plays for, so don't ask.

Fantasy Football-

This is easy. Since I got kicked out of the league I won last year, due to thorough dominance and unyielding amounts of trash talk, I've been forced to start my own league. And since it's so late in the summer, the only people who aren't in a hundred leagues already are my friends who have never played before. My prediction: in week five I'll convince Ben Steitzer to trade me Peyton Manning for a three packs of Gushers and a graphic novel, and I'll win the league by five hundred points.

FedEx Cup-

Tiger will skip the first leg of the Cup, because he can, and still win the thing by an overwhelming amount of points. Comparing Tiger to the rest of the field isn't even fun anymore. The only way to appreciate Tiger these days is to look at his ungodly stats, and just laugh. Did you know he has come in first, second or third in 48% of all the tournaments he has ever entered. The second best percentage is Jack Nicklaus at 28%. That is a joke. If Tiger's in it and matters, he's probably gonna win. FedEx Cup number one goes to Tiger.

USA Basketball-

Well, in the two games I've watched one thing has become pretty clear, Mike Krysewski looks like an angry aardvark. The fact that they have two dominating players at every position, makes this a cake walk. Plus they designed this team as just that, a team. Actual point guards and shooters and rebounders and shot blockers. Sprinkle in Kobe, Bron Bron and Melo, and you have a delicious recipe. It's called "Victory" and it smells like the Olympics.

Fraklin Golf-

Now to the most important prediction. Let me first say that all that shit I was talking last year about Coach of the Year, will never happen in a million years. I'm not saying I didn't deserve it, especially for the girls, because I did. But I found out a lot about Kingco golf last night at our annual coaches meeting. The first thing I found out is that all the other coaches, except me and the Garfield coach, are pals. They go to each others birthday parties, they go golfing and camping and they all hang out. It's like third grade, and I'm the kid who eats his boogers. In fact, more than half of them didn't even remember that I coached last year. And most of them saw me in the Spring with the girls team. I'm not saying that I'm the most memorable guy in the world, but how can you forget the one coach who isn't 45 years old, with a beer belly and a genuine hatred for life. I stand out. But not only did they not remember who I was, they took shots at me. One coach said, "I think every body is here, let's get started. Except for Franklin...of course." Hey asshole, I'm right here, in a damn Franklin T-shirt. All I could muster as a come back was, "you don't remember me, I'm the young good looking coach." That warranted a few muffled giggles from the crowd. The point is that if they don't remember me, the chances that I will win an award are pretty slim. Oh well, at least I'm not middle aged with a failing marriage, that is award enough for me. As for the prediction. Zero wins. My best golfer graduated. My new best golfer has a classic case of Quakeritis: who cares if I flunk, I wear Jordans and Dunks. My favorite golfer, and second best player, moved to Kent. And the only other kid who is any good is a U Prep kid who listens to The Fray. It's looking like a long season. Let's just hope we get a funny quote or two, and another hilarious crack head fight.

That is the Fall Prediction Edition of Road to the BigTime. If any of what I say turns out to be right, I'll be as surprised as the rest of you.

Losers of the Week

2007-08-20T00:34:00.000-07:00

This has been a great week. The M's are hot. Pre-season football is in full swing. The Sounders are in the quarter finals of the US Open Cup. And, like every week, we were graced by a few heroes, and enraged by a few douche bags.

Douche Bags of the Week

Aubrey McClendon-
One of the many minority owners of the Sonics, was nice enough this week to tell us exactly what we already knew. That Clay Bennett (Ass Pickles) bought the team with every intention of moving them to Oklahoma City. He said Bennett didn't even care if he lost money in moving the team, which he obviously would, all they want to do is "break even." I have a few thoughts on this guy. First, you have to be really dumb to say something like this when everybody knows that David Stern's number one priority is making money. Admitting that you are willing and eager to do something that is going to cost the league money is a pretty bad move. For an ignorant red neck moron from Oklahoma, he isn't very familiar with his Jewish stereotypes. Let's put what he did into terms he can understand. Are you listening Aubrey: Telling your Jewish boss that you want to make a move that is going to cost his company money is like telling Jeff Foxworthy you want to cut off his mustache. It's not what he wants to hear. Second, I can't wait for McClendon to get tired of being called a "minority owner". The chance that some one might mistake him for a black guy is definitely keeping him up at night. In his next dumb ass statement I bet he refers to himself as the "partial owner". Or "the very very caucasian gentleman, who is one of many very very caucasian gentlemen, who all own part of the Sonics". Either way, he's not calling himself a minority for much longer.

The Bouncers at Heavens-
Bouncers, by nature, are shall we say...a bit unreasonable. But the guys working the door at Heavens Saturday night were down right ridiculous. They tried to make us pay $10 to get in, when there were flyers saying it was free before 11. Plus, we were with D Chern, who's brother was promoting the club that night. All around poor move by them. We took our business else where, opting out of the Pioneer Square scene, back to a house party in the U District. It was great for us in the long run because instead of dropping upwards of $40 each to get drunk at Heaven, we got housed for free in the U. Nice move bouncers, turning away 10 eager drunks is basically like losing $500. McClendon and the Heavens bouncers are starting an accounting firm called "No Cents".

Horablio Ramirez-
With an away ERA of over 10, and a road record of 1-4, Horablio is one bad start away from Triple A. We traded a solid, proven right handed long reliever with 95 MPH gas for this guy. Then, we spent this whole year looking for a good, proven right handed long reliever, while at the same time trying to figure out why Horablio is trash on the road. Nice move Bavasi. BUT, I just turned on the TV and we are up 9-2 in the 8th. Remember when I hated on Jeff Weaver for five straight weeks on DBOTW, then he turned into a decent pitcher after that. Maybe I have a reverse curse on M's pitchers. In that case, our whole staff is a bunch of low lifes who have zero chance of getting us to the playoffs, much less to the World Series. We should just quit right now. I hope that works.

Heroes of the Week-

Lee Elder-
One of golfs greatest pioneers. Lee Elder is basically the Jackie Robinson of professional golf. He was the first black golfer to play in the Masters in 1975, and is in the PGA hall of fame. I had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Elder at the Rumble at the Ridge golf tourney this morning. This was honestly one of the coolest and unexpected meeting of my life. I have been lucky enough to meet quite a few of my heroes over the past couple of years at KJR, but this guy takes the cake.
Beside the fact that he is on par with Tiger Woods in terms of what he has meant to racial equality in golf, he was the nicest guy I've ever met. My job at the Tourney was to hang out by our broadcast tent and grab Seahawks and NFL alumni. (Warren Moon, Steve Largent and Dave Craig to name a few) I had a list of guys that Softy wanted to talk to, and I grabbed them as they went through. At 12:45, with 15 minutes left on the show, the tournament director walked up to me and asked if we wanted to talk to Lee Elder before we left, and I just looked at him and laughed like, "yeah, bring over Tiger too." But he was serious, and I quickly said that we did want to talk to him. Three minutes later a golf cart pulled up, and a short old black guy, that sort of looked like Danny Glover from "Royal Tennenbaums" jumped out. "I ain't doin' no radio interview. I don't care who they say they are," he barked to my astonishment. About six million things went through my mind, before I timidly said, "Please?!?" He just looked at me for like five seconds before doubling over with laughter. To say that Lee Elder got me pretty good would be like saying that Tiger Woods is a pretty good golfer. As I settled into the realization that I had just been thoroughly clowned by a 65 year old civil rights pioneer, he grabbed me by the shoulders and gave me a big bear hug. "You thought you were in trouble," he laughed. "You thought you were fired." He was right. One of the six million thoughts was, "oh fuck, I just pissed off a golf legend, I need to find a new job." Visions of Happy Gilmour scaring Chubs out of the window with the gator head came to mind, and I saw Lee Travino. And he was not happy. When he stopped hugging me, he stepped into the tent and proceeded to give the best interview of the day. As he was on air, it started raining like a monsoon, and after his interview he stayed dry with us in the tent for about five minutes. Talking to him was amazing. Softy meets hundreds of athletes and famous people every year, but to watch him stand there and marvel at the presence of Lee Elder, it was like he was a kid. Men like Mr. Elder are few and far between, and I have to say that it was the honor of my life to meet him.

The Guy who called Shawn Kemp's High School Games-
This is an important Youtube clip for any Sonics fan to watch. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g36vjEI9cYg. GP and Kemp at there best. But watch and listen very closely. 41 seconds into the clip the guy who called Kemp's high school games reacts to a Kemp dunk by telling us that Kemp "wears size 16 shoes and has a 42 inch" what? I don't know what he says. It sounds like he says " a 42 inch Leroy." Which is in my opinion a great name for Kemp's piece. Size 16 shoes and a 42 inch Leroy. That explains the 20 kids. This is officially my favorite Youtube clip ever, and by far the best term I've ever coined for the unit. Manny's got 24. Kemp's got 42. Holler at your Leroy.

Up Yours Billy Crystal

2007-08-15T21:34:00.001-07:00

Summer 1993. There was a little white kid in Spokane, sitting so close to his grandparents TV that if his hat weren't already turned around backwards, it's bill would be pressed firmly against the screen. The direction of his hat had little to do with his proximity to the television, but everything to do with who was on TV. As he sat there watching his hero launch ball after ball onto Eutaw Street at the brand new Camden Yards in Baltimore, all he could dream about was being there. And then - when Junior belted one so far that it cleared everything and hit 10 feet up on the Baltimore-Camden Train Station, with its brown bricks, reeking of baseball and a time long past - he fell in love.

Take that Billy Crystal. You aren't the only one who can wax poetic bull shit about falling for baseball. I don't know if any of you have seen the movie he made, "61", but that's all it was. Long, sappy monologues about how he wants to have sex with baseball. I'm never gonna fully turn my back on the guy, "City Slickers" is a classic, and his portrayal of Miracle Max in "The Princess Bride" is one of my all time favorite characters. But if I have to listen to him recite another one of his flowery baseball poems over footage of the Mets World Series run this fall, I may shoot myself.

Wow. What a tangent. Let's get back on track.

As I'm sure you guessed, that little white kid in Spokane was me. (If Griffey could have collected royalties on the number of white kids wearing Mariners hats backwards from 1993-2000, he'd own the western hemisphere.) The reason I am reliving my viewing of the 1993 All-Star game is because last week I got to fulfill a dream I've had since that game, 14 years ago. I got to visit Camden Yards. I got to see Eutaw Street. And most importantly, I got to see the plaque they put on the train station in the exact spot were Griffey's home run struck the wall.

For a baseball fan such as myself, obsessed with the game since a very young age, there are a list of dreams that you need to live out in order to fulfill your baseball fantasy to the fullest. Places you need to see, cathedrals of the game. Events you need to witness. Players who you have to see in person to actually grasp how great they are. A list of dreams you check off one by one, until you are satisfied with your baseball journey. I've been lucky enough to check off a couple of mine so far, (Saw an M's playoff game in person. Saw Griffey, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, and a number of other greats of my generation in person. Set foot on Safeco Field. Met Ken Griffey Jr. Saw Lou Piniella get tossed from a game. Watched a great brawl in person. Took my Dad to game on Fathers Day, to pay him back for all the games he took me to.) and on my trip to Camden I was able to check off a couple more.

My Current Top 5 dreams are as follows:
1.) See the Mariners win a World Series.
2.) See Stadiums: Yankee Stadium, Fenway, Wrigley, Camden Yards, Dodger Stadium, and Busch Stadium.
3.) Visit the Hall of Fame.
4.) Take a baseball road trip.
5.) Catch a home run ball, and throw it back.

Further on down the list I have a number of baseball specific events that I think every baseball fanatic should see, including a Wrigley Field 7th Inning Stretch, a bases loaded intentional walk, an 18 inning game that starts on Wednesday and ends on Thursday, a suicide squeeze, and a rain delay. How ironic that I have lived my entire life in Seattle and gone to hundreds of baseball games, and I had to go all the way to Baltimore to see my first rain delay. I honestly think I was the only person in the stadium happy to see the grounds crew pulling out the tarp. I was actually cheering the rain. I may need professional help.

But that is what it is like for fans like me. We live to see these things that for years and years we've only dreamt about, or seen on TV. Walking into Camden Yards I was 9 years old again. And ideally when you finally get to act out one of your baseball dreams, you are with the right people. Luckily I was. I went to the game with Sam Gelinas, a life long friend, who's love for baseball is costing him $29.95 a month to watch the M's play on the internet. And Annasara Purcell, who if I have anything to say about it will have her own list of baseball dreams soon. As my good friend Juventude the Profit once wrote, "money ain't shit, if you don't have the right people to spend it with." The same is true of baseball. Billy Crystal just came.

Barry Bonds

2007-08-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

Baseball has always had a very interesting way of reflecting, if not predicting, what is happening in America. From the mafia fixed world series of 1919, to Jackie Robinson spearheading the Civil Rights movement, baseball has continued to be a perfect microcosm of American life. Whether it is art imitating life, or vice versa, baseball is America. Which is why I find it so hilarious that any one would either argue against, or be surprised by, Barry Bonds cheating. Baseball is America. Barry Bonds is America.

Let me take a step back and explain. In 1919 when the Chicago Black Sox fixed the world series, they were merely a product of their place in history. It was Chicago during prohibition. Organized crime was everywhere. The thought that crime wouldn’t find its way into sports was ridiculous. Similarly, cocaine in the 1980’s, and yes, steroids in the 1990’s and 2000’s.

My argument is not that baseball reflects only the negative aspects of America. I didn’t say baseball is drugs, or gambling, or cheating. I said baseball is America. Ted Williams might have had 4,000 hits and 700 home runs, but he missed 4 years of his prime due to a tour of duty in World War II. He got drafted, just like thousands of other Americans, and when he was done fighting, he came home and went back to work.

In 1947, seven years before Brown vs. The Board of Education, and nearly twenty years before schools were actually desegregated, Jackie Robinson became the first black player in the Major Leagues. Opening the door for players like Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, and yes, Barry Bonds. Branch Rickie and the Brooklyn Dodgers were years ahead of the civil rights curve.

Baseball has always been a reflection of our idea of the “American Dream”: That through hard work, courage and determination one could achieve prosperity. There is no better example of this than Hank Aaron. He came to work every day, and worked hard. He wasn’t as gifted as Willie Mays, or as powerful as Babe Ruth, but by being steady and consistent he become the all time home run leader. He did it the right way, and in his day and age, the American way.

But the American way has changed. That is what everyone, including baseball, needs to understand. Hard work, courage and determination will get you pretty far these days, but not to the top. Just look who’s on top, and you’ll understand. These are no longer the days of “mom and pop” corner stores, its Wal-Mart. It’s not gas stations, it’s Exxon. And Enron, and Microsoft, and Starbuck’s. Shit, Martha Stewart went to jail for illegal insider trading, and she’s the picture of American. Hard work, courage and determination gets you Ken Griffey Jr., Bonds is just keeping up with the times. In order to achieve the “American Dream” in 2007 you need hard work, determination, flexible morals, no courage, and the ability to lie to yourself like a drunk frat guy.

The fact is that baseball will always reflect America. And as we change, for better or worse, so will baseball. It’s actually pretty fitting that Barry Bonds is breaking the most hallowed record in all of sports at this point in history. The way most of us feel about Bonds is the way most of the rest of the world is starting to feel about us. As Walt Whitman once said, "I see great things in baseball. It's our game, the American game. It will repair our losses and be a blessing to us." Let's hope ol' Walt was right.

Losers of the Week

2007-08-13T09:48:00.000-07:00

It has been over a week since my last post, and for that I am extremely sorry. I know how hard it is for all of you tredge through your day to day lives without the comic therapy of Road to the BigTime. I've been globe trotting. And as a easy as I thought it would be to take a couple of hours during my trip to write a blog or two, it has been anything but. And in a week where a so much has happened - Barry Bonds breaking the record, Tiger's 13th, David Beckham continuing to get paid to wear warm-ups and sign autographs, me going to Camden Yards - I have been completely MIA. With that said, I will make up for my week of absence with a couple of promises and "Douche Bags of the Week." First I promise that I have two seperate updates to come in the next few days dealing with some of the events of last week, one dedicated to Barry, one dedicated to my trip to Camden Yards. Secondly, the list:

Douche Bags of the Week-

Stephen Ames-
I guess you can't blame him. He only did what every one else who has ever been in his place has done. And he only did exactly what we all knew he would do. But still, a 76 on Sunday of a major. He was down by 2 going into the round, and he lost by 10. This is the same guy that questioned Tiger's ability to hit fairways a couple of years ago before a match play tournament, then got devoured by Tiger 9 and 8. That is one of those things that doesn't go away quickly, compound that with playing in the final round of a major with Tiger, and what do you get? A warm puddle of something.

Jeremy Schaap-
I'm not sure if anybody has seen these "special" stories that Jeremy Schaap (who was once called a spineless Jew snake by Bobby Fischer) has been doing every month or so on Sportscenter. I have been annoyed by this man and his pointless self important stories for years, but last nights "special" on a team of US mountain climbing spies took the entire cake and the ice creme too. What the hell is wrong with Jeremy Schaap? The entire story was more or less a conspiracy theory about how these US and Indian mountain climbers carried a bunch of plutonium to the top of a mountain to help power a machine that was used to spy on the Chinese. Described that way, it sounds amazing actually. But it wasn't. Jeremy Schaap managed to inject as much of his whiney, choir boy voice as possible. Used really lame camera shots of the White house or of the Capital building every time they made reference to the US government. And conducted totally useless interviews with 65 year old guys that blame all of their health problems on the plutonium. Maybe you guys are 65 and you have arthritis because you are old. Jeremy Shaap sucks.

Me-
For going 10 days with out an update. My appologies to Tam, I hope this gets you through your day. And to Jonah because I promised my Bonds thoughts 5 days ago, they're coming soon. They, and my description of my day at Camden Yards, will both be long and funny and above all, culturally relivant.

Heroes of the Week-

Boo Weekly-
He not only played really well in the PGA Championship, while smoking, chewing tabacco, speaking in only Southern slang, and while most likely hung over, he also had the kindness to rid us of Sergio on Sunday. He and Sergio aka "la excusa", played together on Saturday. It is the duty of the playing partner to record the score of the guy he is playing with on every hole. He put a 4 down for Sergio on hole 7, while in reality La Excusa got a 5. Sergio didn't notice, signed the card, and was DQed for signing an incorrect card. Sergio's response, "It just continues." Yes it does Sergio. And I hope it never stops.

Nina Lang-
I realize that this happened about a week and a half ago, but she needs to get some props for this. Any time some body who I am friends with meets one of my all time favorite athletes (Griffey, GP, Manny, Pappi, etc.) I will inevitably be pretty jealous. But Nina took it to another level. She ran into both Manny and Pappi at a club in Belltown, and she actually hung out with them twice. She drank merlot with Manny, and David Ortiz even asked if he could grab her butt. So, a big salute to Nina, her appreciation for good wine, and her butt.

Kevin Cremin-
Kevin is the dad of a friend of mine from high school, Colleen, and he is also the producer/engineer of the Mariners radio broadcast. I called him the day before I left for DC to see if I could get some tickets to the game in Baltimore, and he came through big time. Two free seats, 20 rows up, right behind home plate. $40 seats like it was nothing. Thanks Mr. Cremin.

Fever Pitch

2007-08-04T18:03:00.000-07:00

Every time the Red Sox come to town I know three things for sure: Safeco will be sold out, Manny and Pappi will be spotted partying in Belltown, and I will be angry all weekend at the sight of thousands and thousands of Red Sox "fans".

Seeing as how 45,000+ saw the M's prove themselves worthy competition for the Red Sox once again last night (9-0 in our last nine home games vs. Boston), assuming that Safeco will be full again tonight is more than fair.

And Nina Lang's freshly squeezed ass can attest to the night life of Manny and Pappi. (She saw them in Belltown, partied with them, made friends, and then David Ortiz asked if he could feel her butt. She politely obliged, and the rest is history. She will undoubtedly be a "Hero of the Week," along with Manny and Pappi.)

With the first two things taken care of and out of the way, I can talk about the third thing that always happens when the Red Sox come to town, I enter full on hater mode. Let me first say that I don't hate the Red Sox. Two of my top 10 favorite baseball players of all time are on the current roster, and Boston is for all intensive purposes one of the best sports cities in the world. That being said, allow me to tell you who I do hate. I hate the thousands and thousands of 18-26 year old girls who come to Safeco six times per year, every time Boston is in town, and I hate their chin-strap sporting, Puka shell wearing boyfriends too. When did Abercrombie and Fitch start selling Red Sox gear? And where the fuck did all these "baseball fans" come from? The Mariners average home attendance this year is 32,000. When the Sox are in town it's 44+. And unless every Boston fan either owns a charter jet, or has a summer home on Mercer Island, there is some serious serious band wagonning going on. My guess is that they neither have jets, nor live on MI for the summer, which leads me to my question. What the hell?

In order to get to the bottom of this I hit the streets. I figured the best way to find out why these dumb ass holes like the Red Sox was to ask them. I was a bit weary since a crazy person doesn't know he's crazy, just as a Red Sox fan doesn't know he's a dumb ass hole, never the less this is what I found. (By the way, these interviews are all on my digital recorder, and I will try as hard as I can to allow you to hear them. Important note: THIS STUFF ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!)

Sox Fan #1: Kerri, 17, Bellevue

Me: "Why are you a Red Sox fan?"
Kerri: "Well, I started liking them because Johnny Damon is really cute, and I liked his hair. Then when he, like, moved to the Yankees, I started liking them. But I didn't want to buy all new stuff, so I switched back to the Red Sox."
Me: "Awesome."

Sox Fans #'s 2 and 3: Jesse and Allison, 22 and 21, Kirkland

Me: "Why are you guys Red Sox fans?"
Jesse: "My uncle lives in Boston, and I went to my first game ever at Fenway. Since then I've just loved them, even though it was rough. You gotta stick with your team."
Allison: "He basically made me like them. I used to like the Mariners, but now we watch all the Red Sox games when they come to town. "
Me: "You gotta hold strong, you can't change teams."
Allison: "I don't really care that much. He likes the Red Sox way more than I liked the Mariners, so it was okay."

Sox Fan #4: Britany, 24, Burien

Me: "Why do you like the Sox and not the Mariners?"
Britany: "I just always root for the underdog. And if you hate the Yankees like I do, you just automatically love the Red Sox."
Me: "But they broke the curse."
Britany: "I know but the Yankees still win way more."

Sox Fans #'s 5 and 6: Lindsay and Ben, 25 and 25, Seattle

Me: "Why do you two like the Sox?"
Lindsay: "Ben has always loved baseball. Our first date was a Mariners game like six years ago. Then we saw "Fever Pitch" and it was about us. The characters in the movie are Lindsay and Ben, isn't that weird? And Ben loves baseball."
Ben: "Yeah, it was too perfect. Since then we have loved the Red Sox."

That was about all I could take. I talked to about 15 different people in Red Sox gear, and this was the majority of the stuff that I heard. I need about three minutes to decompress, or else I will kill every person that ever says Red Sox again.

***************Three minutes of deep breaths later*********************

I'd like to say that this is extactly what I thought was going to happen, but if I did I'd be lying. We joke about fair weather fans, but I had no idea. They are worse than fair weather fans, they are retractable roof fans. These are the same people who tell both of their parents they love the other one more, in the hopes of landing better Christmas presents.

The funny part is the reasons they chose the Red Sox over any other team. If you disect their ignorant reasoning, you could prove to them that the Mariners have all the same stuff they like about the Red Sox. Hey Britany, you like underdogs? We've never won anything. The Red Sox won the World Series in 2004, and they have the second highest payroll in baseball history. I repeat, we have never won anything. We are the underdogs. Plus, look at the line in the paper for every Red Sox v. Mariners game. Guess who is picked to lose. Here's a hint. They don't have Sox in their name. And you say you hate the Yankees, huh? I wonder why. Could your hatered have started in 1995? Or perhaps 2000 or 2001 when they knocked us out of the playoff in back to back years. That's right, we hate them too. A lot. Everybody does, not just the Sox.

And as for you Allison. What happens in three months when your Red Sox boyfriend cheats on you? What do you do then? Switch back? We'll see if we take you back.

Johnny Damon? That is your reason for liking an entire team of players, that he's no longer a part of. You like him so much that you spend your hard earned money to see a team that he used to play for? The answer to that is no. You spend your parents hard earned money, Kerri from Bellevue.

The one thing we can't account for is the Fallon Factor. No one can. He is the man. By looking at the camera, telling squirely, awkward jokes, and being slightly cute he had millions of American girls staying up way past their bed times to watch SNL. And when you team that up with the incomperable Drew Barrymore, you have a duo as deadly as Manny and Pappi in Belletown. Honestly though, if you liked that movie you aren't a baseball fan. Jimmy Fallon sucks and it was awful. But so is everything that these people stand for. And we cannot combat that kind of fire power.

As I sit here in the press box at Safeco, listening to the chants of "Dice-K, Dice-K" drown any semblance of cheers for Ichiro, I can't help but wonder what we can do. I don't want to gain these peoples love by continuing to be the underdog, losing sucks. I don't want to date all of them, and then force them to love my team as Jesse did to Allison. I don't want Johnny or Jimmy. What do I want? I want loyal fans. I want fans who won't let our home stadium be filled by Red Sox. I want fans who hate the Red Sox, and the Yankees, and everybody but us. I want fans who instead of politely booing when the Red Sox fans chant "Let's go Red Sox", will over power them with chants and cheers and jokes about Manny's hair, and Julio Lugo's inability to go three seconds with out grabbing his crotch. I don't want friendly observers, I want fans!!

The Deadline

2007-08-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

With everything that happens in sports, and life, you can choose to look at things in a multitude of ways. With the passing of the recent trading deadline, the Mariners did as they have done in five of the last seven years, they did nothing. Choosing instead to fight for the fall with the bunch that has gotten them this far. I feel very strongly about their decision to do this, but instead of using this entire blog to air my feelings on the inaction, I am going get schizophrenic and tap into all of the various sports fans that live inside my head. If anyone has ever watched a sporting event with me, you know what I am talking about. I have more mood swings in a nine inning game than a pregnant woman has in nine months. So instead of getting one angle on the Mariners deadline flat-line, I'm getting a bunch.

Eternal Pessimist-
If you want to make a splash in the division, and actually make it look like you are interested in winning, you make a god damn trade. Every summer the same teams make trades: the Yankees, the Red Sox, the Cardinals and the Braves. And every fall the same teams are in the playoffs: the Yankees, the Red Sox, the Cardinals and the Braves. This is just further proof that we are a second tier team. If you want to win, you make a trade, and it is blatantly clear that we have no interest in winning.

Traditional Optimist-
Everything is going to be fine. We didn't need to make a trade. We have everything we need right here in our own back yard. Our main needs were a left handed bat, a starting pitcher and some speed and power off of the bench. Well look at what already have. Replace Richie Sexson with Ben Broussard, and there's your lefty. Jeff Weaver is a different pitcher than he was two months ago, so in a way he is the starting pitcher that we needed just by turning his season around. And as far as speed and power off of the bench, Adam Jones is leading the PCL in home runs and he's lightning quick. Send Sexson to Tacoma, bring up Jones, and theres the trifecta, all three problems solved, and we didn't have to lose any prospects in the process.

Average Seattle Fan:
What we should have done is gotten Griffey back. He said he wanted to be here. He said it in his own words to all 46,000 of us while we stood and clapped and cried when he came home in June. Trade who ever it takes to get him. Adam Jones, Wladamir Balentine, anybody. Who cares if he's 37, and is in a contract year next year. Who cares if he makes 15 million dollars a season. Who cares if he said he didn't want to DH. Who cares? All we need is Griffey. Remember 1995? Yeah, that was awesome. Refuse to Lose.

Adam Jones-
Thank god those stupid ass holes didn't trade me. Cuz I'm gonna be sick. I have 24 home runs in triple A. What they should do is bring me the fuck up, because this league is a joke. I go 2-4 with two RBI every damn night. I'm better right now, than Richie Sexson ever was. Plus I'm down right dreamy, and Andy Bunker would date me if he or I were gay.

Feminist-
The Mariners did make a move at the trading deadline, and it was the best move they could have made. They traded that shit head wife beater, Julio Mateo, and unloaded his unusually large contract in the process. Who cares that he is a fantastic relief pitcher, and all they got was a descent short stop prospect, it was a victory for social justice. They immediately suspended him when he was arrested, they didn't let him back on the major league team ever, and then they dealt him proving that the Seattle Mariners franchise says no to domestic violence. Thumbs up M's, great move.

Clay Bennett-
I'm a stupid butt fuck. I don't care if the Mariners traded anybody or not. All I care about is sticking cucumbers up my ass. That's what we do in Oklahoma City. It's or own little secret for pickle making. And let me tell you, ass pickles are delicious. I love ass pickles. Remember that, when you think about Clay Bennett, think ass pickles.

Frog-
Ribbit.

My actual Thoughts-
I am actually whole heartedly happy that we didn't make a trade. Because honestly there wasn't anything out there that we needed. I'm not saying that we couldn't have used some things to improve our team, but the things that we needed were not out there. The biggest names on the market were Mark Tiexiera and Eric Gagne, and we already have solid guys at both of their positions, assuming we immediately replace Richie Sexson with Ben Broussard. What is the point of making a trade just for the sake of making a trade. That is stupid. That is just the stupid deer in the headlights move that Bill Bevasi usually makes, so actually us doing nothing makes me incredibly happy because it makes me think that Bevasi may not have downs syndrome after all. Trading Adam Jones would have been the dumbest move we've made since trading David Ortiz for Dave Hollins. We really would have regretted that. Adam Jones is amazing, and he is going to be a star. Plus he has the same name as "Pac Man" and that is really cool. We need to think of a video game nick name for him, similar to pac man, but different and better. My vote is tetris. Both a cool old game, and a reference to the fact that Adam Jones is going to fit perfectly into our team. Oh yeah....Clay Bennett. Ass pickles.

The Four Horsemen of the Sports Apocalypse

2007-07-29T01:42:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the congregation. The church of Sport is now in session. We will be reading from the King LeBron James Bible, chapter six in the Book of Bunktown. Heavy indulgence in the sacrament is strongly encouraged.

Let's get to the point. Sports are in trouble. The Tour de France is officially a joke. Last years champion, Floyd Landis, is currently involved in a lengthy litigation regarding his alleged cheating in last years race. The best rider on the best team this year was disqualified due to blood doping, and the TV ratings are lower this year that they have been since before Lance Armstrong.

Baseball is approaching quite possibly the most awkward moment in sports history when Barry Bonds breaks Hank Aaron's home run record and Bud Selig is forced to pretend to be happy for him. Remember in "Office Space" when the whole office had a birthday party for Bill Lumberg, and everyone half heartedly sang for him, and Milton didn't get any cake. Well, Bud Selig and the higher ups in baseball are going to half heartedly sing, and we the fans will get no cake.

As everyday passes it seems like more and more hope for Mike Vick playing in the NFL again slip further and further away. The Falcons told him not to come to mini camp. Nike and Reebok both pulled all of his merchandise off of the shelves. And today, one of his "boys" agreed to a plea bargain with the court in which he will more than likely spill the beans on the entire dog fighting operation. Mike Vick is done.

And last but not least, Tom Donaghy. The more I find out about this case, the more I am afraid. The chances that this guy was acting alone are seeming to be very minimal. I have a really bad feeling that he is the first domino in an entire free fall of NBA scandal. This guy has been reffing NBA games for over 10 years. Remember who the best players in the NBA where 10 years ago? Yeah, Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley. I'm not saying anything, but there is the potential for an absolutely catastrophic disaster on our hands. Those guys like to gamble, and there have been conspiracy theories floated around for years about the things that the NBA had to do to try to stop Jordan. I would be shocked if we find out anything linking any players to the scandal, but you never know, two weeks ago we were shocked to hear about Donaghy.

It may not be raining frogs, but Bonds will tell you, it's been raining boo's for three years. The seas and the rivers may not be on boiling, but Mike Vick and Tom Donaghy are in a lot of hot water. And Floyd Landis hasn't been seen on a bike in about a year, but in my mind he's riding the White Horse in the sports apocalypse. Vick, Bonds and Donaghy are right behind him, all on horses, and if we don't make some glue pretty quick, the sports world is going to fall apart.

Start with a Bang, or a Sucker Punch

2007-07-25T11:57:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the wonderful world of Bunktown the blogger!! William Hung has a blog, why shouldn't I? I have to be honest with you though, I am pretty nervous about this. The thought that the things that I am writing are going to be accessible to everyone, and saved forever is both great and scary. In 50 years we will no longer get to gather the grandkids around the dinner table to tell stories of our youth, they'll just google our blogs and read about how we used to get blacked out at "mug club" (Irish Emmigrant, Tuesday nights...holla) and play "Fight Night" until 4am. That being said, I want to make it clear that nothing will change as far as content goes. I will still make clear my assumptions about the size of Manny and Bron Bron's pieces, respectively. I will not stop trying to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Shaun Alexander is the John Amechi of the NFL. I will definitely not stop referencing things that only one or two people will understand, even if it makes my joke or my story less funny. It's funny to me, and Jaxin. I won't be any nicer to or more accepting of: A) White basketball players, B) the San Antonio Spurs, or as I like to call them, the UN, or C) sports writers with terrible comb overs. That brings me to the topic of my first "real" blog.

I am long over due for a list, plus I wanted to start this thing off with a bang, so I am seizing this occasion to start an annual tradition. It was about this time last year that I released my list of the "Top 10 Famous People I'd like to Sucker Punch." I got this idea from my buddy Jonah, and I love it because unlike when people talk about wanting to fight athletes or celebrities, who they probably couldn't win a fight against, this is list of guys I want to cheap shot. A sucker punch is way more disrespectful, plus even though I probably can't beat up any professional athletes, I could sucker punch anybody.

Like I said, I did this last year. And now that I have an official blog, I am going to start my first annual special. This is the type of list that needs to be updated yearly because year to year the people that I hate are different. Here's an example. Last year Willie Bloomquist was number three on my list, but now he's batting .290 with an OPS of nearly 100 and not upsetting me nearly as much. As of right now, I have no desire to sucker punch Willie Bloomquist. If that isn't the perfect intro to this year's list then Mike Vick is the new president of the Westminster Kennel Club.

So, without further ado, the 2007 list:

"The Top 10 Famous People I'd Like to Sucker Punch"

Honorable Mentions- Phil Mikelson, Jeremy Schapp, Roger Clemens, Greg Nickels, Mike Vick

10. Howard Schultz- Just another in the long line of lame Seattle icons. The faces of our city are all nerdy white guys. I might not even sucker punch ol' Howard. I'd probably just walk right up to him, smack his Chai iced latte out of his hand, and square up. But I'm not mad at him because he lamely represents our city, you don't see Bill Gates or Paul Allen on this list, no no, I hate Howard Schultz because he doesn't give a flying fuck about the city. As heroic as he looked five years ago when he bought the Sonics, he looks a hundred times as bad today. Let's look at the stats: Owned the team for five years, and only made the playoffs once. He bought the team knowing he had the worst arena deal in the league, then immediately began to hold the city hostage, threatening to sell the team if he didn't get a new arena. Then, after five years of whining, he claimed losses, and got the NBA's approval to sell. When in fact he, and the other four investors that bought the team, doubled their money. If that was the end, he'd be okay. But no, he sold the team to a guy that so obviously wanted to move the team that he showed up for his first day of ownership in a U-Haul van. How can you sell out your own city like that?

9. Jeremy Stevens- I almost feel bad sucker punching this guy, since he has so successfully punched himself into submission over the past year, but I'll suck it up. How STUPID do you have to be to get a DUI when you are a free agent in the prime of your career, in a year where the market is at an all time high for tight ends? Jeremy Stevens stupid, that's how stupid. Maybe I'm still a little mad about the Super Blow (not a typo), but I was ready to forgive. We all were. We were all ready to forget about the DUI in college where he crashed his car into an old folks home. We were ready to forget about the rape allegations senior year at UW. We were ready to forget about the fight he got into with a teammate as a rookie. And yes, we were ready to forget and forgive about the Super Bowl. But at the most important moment of his life, he blew it. I bet he tears it up in the CFL though.

8. Skip Bayless- If you don't know him, he is a sports writer, who works for ESPN and co-hosts the show "First and Ten". I'm going to get away from the factual arguments and reasons I used to explain sucker punches 9 and 10, and get back to what makes "Road to the BigTime" so fun...the unfounded hate. Skip Bayless looks like a pissed off skeleton. You know when people never smile for their whole life, and the wrinkles on their face are in a permanent frown? Yeah, that's Skip. Basically he is the leader of the sports writers witch hunt that is the Barry Bonds story. You'd think Barry got both Skip's wife and daughter pregnant, then aborted the babies by hitting them into McCovey Cove. I don't know if Skip can smile, or laugh, or even love. And who needs people like that. Thus, I want to punch him while he isn't looking.

7. Tony Parker- Rarely will I hate on a guy if he has a summer as good as Tony's. Won his second ring, married one of the hottest women in Hollywood, and dropped a rap album. If it where anybody else, ANYBODY, I'd be on his jock. But it isn't anybody else, it's Tony Parker. The flopping, French fuck, who makes Kobe Bryant's rap CD look like "All Eye's on Me." Now, I know that a lot of my disdain for him is compounded by the fact that he is the President of the UN, you know what I mean, but I am pretty sure I'd still hate him even if he was a Sonic. Do you remember that skit on "All That" where Keenen Thompson played Pierre Escargo, and ended every sentence with that loud French laugh? In my mind that is how Tony Parker talks. I maybe a little jealous of him...just a little though.

6. Tom Donaghy- I guess me punching him in the face won't really do a whole lot of good at this point, since he's more than likely gonna be swimming with the fishes after he gives up the name of the guys that he was in debt to, but I'd probably do it anyway. It is a sad sad day when the NBA looks like a bad episode of the Sopranos. I can't wait until Tony Cornheiser and Mike Wilbon spend 5 Good Minutes with Pauly Walnuts. What a disaster. With quality of play slipping and playoff ratings going down faster than Paris Hilton, an "integrity of the game" scandal was the last thing the NBA needed. Maybe we should be sucker punching the guys on the NBA referee hiring committee for over looking this guys history of gambling debt, and money problems. What will he do now, assuming he somehow avoids a shallow grave somewhere outside of Vegas? Actually who cares.

5. T-Pain/Akon/Neo- All three of these fucks. Rap in 2007 is essentially rock in 1982. Let me explain. All the pioneers of Rap are either retired, dead, or still around making really crappy songs like "You and Dat Booty." They have been negatively influenced by trying evolve and keep up with the new age of hip-hop, which for some reason is heavily synthesized, much like rock of the early 80's, and now everything sucks. Remember when Led Zepplin made the song "All of my Love", yeah it's pretty much like that. And I blame T-Pain, Akon, and Neo. All their shitty synthesized choruses and crappy generic beats. Akon used to be cool too. A synthesized sucker punch to all three of them.

4. Chris Angel- I hope that you guys have seen this jerk. The newest of the reality magic magicians. All black clothes, dread locks, bad chains, and a Zen-like self satisfied annoyance that rivals Mathew McConaughey. I didn't think I would ever take David Blane's side in any fight ever. But I'm with him on this one. I wanted to make some sort of mildly clever play on his title, "Mindfreak", but before I could I inexplicably punched myself in the face. I believe my mind is officially freaked.

3. Lindsay Lohan- Another person that has been sucker punching the shit out of themselves lately. Hey Lindsay, I know who killed you too. You did. Look at it like this. She got a DUI (her second) the other day, and cocaine possession. It cost her $25,000 to post bail. If anyone who is reading this has any way of showing this to Lindsay please do so. Lindsay, pay me $20,000 and I'll drive you anywhere you want, all year. You save $5,000, end the risk of more DUI's, and gain a friend...me. It's that easy baby. Either that or keep getting sucker punched.

2. Sergio Garcia- I have always hated Serge. But he took it to a whole new level last weekend at the British. Phil Mikelson was without a doubt, my number one least favorite golfer, there wasn't even anybody in the building besides Phil. But now Phil has a roommate. A soft Spanish roommate named Sergio. It's one thing to crumble under the pressure of a major tournament, hell he's done that every time he's had the chance. We knew he was gonna crumble. But it was what he did after that that pissed me off.
Quote 1: "It is pretty hard to hit a shot when you have to wait 15 minutes in the fairway on 18." What's that Sergio? Was that an excuse. Oh, no. This...this is an excuse.
Quote 2: "I've seen people hit the pin. But when they do it, the ball either stops close to the hole, or goes in. For me it bounces 20 feet away. These things always happen to me." WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAA!!!! What a fucking pussy. Take your lumps you poor poor fuck. Maybe you lost because you putted like shit on Sunday. Or maybe because you only hit 10 fairways. Or maybe, just maybe, you choked like you always do. The universe is not conspiring against you. The golf gods are not all sitting around plotting to make sure you never with a major. You are simply not clutch. In fact you are the anti-clutch. You, your roommate Phil, A-Rod, Tony Romo, and Greg Norman, are the anti-clutch team. The ACT. And you pray to your god, Jean Van de Velde every night.

1. Clay Bennett- I most likely shouldn't be writing this, and I will definitely be regretting it when the lawyer for the Bennett family is reading it to me as I sit pathetically perched on the stand, the judge looking at me in disgust, Mrs. Bennett and the Bennett children collectively crying at the sight of the young man who killed their dad, but as I always say, you gotta blog what you gotta blog. Here is how it's gonna go. Clay Bennett is going to buy out of his lease at the Key Arena after we go 28-54, and load up that U-Haul van - next stop Oklahoma. I'm gonna forgo the urge to sucker punch him, because I flew past that emotion like a 16 year old boy in his dad's new Porshe. And when he is found, right next to Tom Donaghy, in the Nevada desert, don't go talk to Pauly Walnuts, holler at your boy.